Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology (17 page)

A long time ago, there was this place called Sumeria

it was a pretty cool place

or at least, I like to think it was a pretty cool place.

There’s not really that much to go on, honestly.

See, people don’t actually know that much about Sumeria, because of how old it is

and also because apparently these dudes used to party so hard

that they seriously damaged a lot of the big clay blocks they used to keep their writing on

so the best we can do

is to kind of stare really hard at the blank spaces on their clay tablets

and make shit up.

For a prime example check out
Snow Crash
by Neal Stephenson.

For a SUPER-PRIME example check out this bucket of nonsense.

So to start out there is this husband-and-wife god-team.

The dude is named An, and the lady is named Ki.

They make the world, blah blah blah.

When I say “blah blah blah,” what I mean is that most of the words about that part got destroyed

probably while some lush of a priest was attempting a prehistoric kegstand.

What I CAN tell you

is that the water is supposed to have given birth to all the stuff that’s in the world

which makes sense, because water is pretty important

and also because in Sumerian

“water” and “semen” are the SAME WORD

which must have made for some WACKY MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

Anyway, once the world has already gotten made and stuff

Ki’s son Enlil totally steals her from her husband/his dad

which is GROSS, but definitely not unprecedented

and then I guess all the other gods get the memo that it is people-stealin’ time

because after another chunk of party-foul-induced relic damage

we cut back in to see this chick named Ereshkegal getting carried down to the underworld.

So this other dude, Enki

the god of water and being a huge nerd all the time

is like “I’ll save you, Ereshkegallll!”

So he gets on a boat

which seems like an unnecessary step for a god of water

but then his boat sinks

which is DEFINITELY something that should never happen to the god of water

but then later Ereshkegal becomes queen of the underworld

so it all works out pretty well for her.

But that’s not all

because we have yet to address the most well-preserved part of this tale of fail:

HOW THE MOON GOT MADE.

See, there’s this chick Ninlil

(who is the goddess of wind)

and her mom, Ninshebargunu, is like “Daughter

I want you to promise me that you will not go swimming in the canal.

If you do, Enlil will see you, and he will totally sex you up.

You know how gods are.”

So obviously Ninlil nearly breaks her neck trying to get down to the canal

and then five minutes later, Enlil shows up

all like “HEY, PRETTY GIRL I JUST INVENTED THIS NEW GAME

IT IS CALLED JUST THE TIP.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY?”

And Ninlil is like “Ew, dude. I’m like twelve.”

And Enlil is like “Wait, I thought your mom told you how this was gonna go down.

Oh well.”

Then he rapes her in a boat.

So Ninlil gets pregnant

and everyone gets understandably pissed off at Enlil

and they actually manage to get him banned from town as a registered sex offender

so he leaves

and Ninlil follows him

presumably because Enlil conveniently forgot to make any arrangements regarding child support.

But it turns out that following Enlil is a really bad idea

because he is so bummed out by this turn of events

that he has decided to walk STRAIGHT TO HELL

and there is some weird rule that says that if your baby gets born in hell it has to stay there.

Now, Enlil knows about this rule and he feels pretty bad about it

so he concocts this genius plan:

When Ninlil arrives at the gates of the underworld

there is a dude in a guard costume with a nametag that says “DEFINITELY NOT ENLIL”

and the guard is like “Hey, girl I see you want to get into hell.

Unfortunately, there is a cover charge

and the cover charge is having sex with me.”

So Ninlil is just like “Uh . . . Okay!”

And then they bang and she gets DOUBLE-PREGNANT.

Then she goes to the next gate into hell and Enlil pulls the same prank AGAIN.

Then he does it A THIRD TIME.

Now, it may seem like Enlil is just trying to get his bone on with the same chick in several costumes

but while that is definitely PART of his motivation

this whole zany sexcapade has the effect of filling Ninlil’s womb with expendable children

who will stay in hell instead of the first baby

who is named Nanna

and is destined to be the MOON.

So that’s where the moon comes from.

So the moral of the story

is that any problem caused by sex

can be easily solved by MORE SEX.

So when last we left our Sumerian gods

they were all busy stealing each other and crashing boats and prank-sexing each other in costumes.

But in the interim things seem to have slowed down a bit.

Now all the gods are working in the fields for minimum wage

just so that they can get something to EAT.

Wait, what?

These are the gods we are talking about

the asshole children with superpowers who run the universe

and here they are, SHARECROPPING?

What gives?

Well, that’s exactly what all the gods are saying to themselves

when suddenly, it hits them:

This kind of boring shit is what PEOPLE are for

And they TOTALLY FORGOT TO INVENT THOSE.

So they get some clay

and they mold it into some dude shapes

and then they stick it in a mother goddess for a while

and BOOM

PEOPLE!

So now the gods have someone to do all the farmwork for them

and they can get back to the preferred Sumerian pastime:

PARTYING.

Everybody gets pretty wasted

especially Enki and this womb goddess named Nimmah.

So they’re hitting on each other in the way only drunk people can:

Nimmah is like “DUDE YOU ARE SO WORTHLESS.

WITHOUT MY SICK WOMB SKILLS ALL THE DUDES WOULD BE DEFORMED.”

And Enki is like “PISH POSH, MY FRIEND.

YOU CAN MAKE DUDES AS DEFORMED AS YOU PLEASE

AND I CAN STILL FIND JOBS FOR THEM.”

So obviously this turns into a contest.

Nimmah goes about trying to invent the most messed-up dudes she can

and Enki is passing out jobs like a prostitute on a hot streak.

It’s like

Parkinson’s?

GRAND VIZIER.

No dick?

ROYAL GUARD.

No eyes?

WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A DUDE BY THE NAME OF HOMER?

So this goes on for a while

and finally Nimmah is like “Ugh, fine.

I guess god CAN’T make a dude so messed up that even he can’t employ him.”

And Enki is like “Not so fast, sugarpants. Let me try.”

And he picks up the clay

and he just makes the most utterly hideous sack of meat and pain

ever to grace the flesh circus.

This thing’s spine is all crooked and its hands are shaking

and its butthole is all caved in and it can’t walk without its feet busting open.

Nimmah tries to feed it some bread but it can’t even EAT.

And Nimmah is like “Whoa, dude, what’s your secret?”

And Enki is like “Oh, I just didn’t put it in a womb ’cause I don’t have one.

This baby is PREMATURE.”

And Nimmah’s like “Oh . . .

Oh god.

It is just now dawning on me how completely gross this all is.

Let’s try to never do this again, okay?”

But joke’s on them, because that stuff still happens.

Except that as is usually the case when the joke is on the gods

the joke is actually on us.

So the moral of the story

is that you should never get drunk when you have superpowers.

Oh my gods and goddesses.

Have you heard about this Gilgamesh guy?

Seriously, the ancient Sumerians actually describe him

as a dude who is “perfect in awesomeness.”

Also, his dad is some random dude but his mom is a goddess who bangs his dad SO HARD

that Gilgamesh is TWO-THIRDS GOD AND ONE-THIRD HUMAN

THAT’S RIGHT

they bone with SUCH FURIOUS DEDICATION that they DESTROY MATH.

But here is the problem, guys:

Gilgamesh is such a badass

he cannot comprehend how people can be ANY LESS BADASS THAN HE

so he makes all the dudes in the city he is king of constantly do feats of strength with him

and also there is a law that Gilgamesh gets to bone everyone’s wives.

So everyone’s bitching to the goddess Eiru like “Hey, Eiru

can you make a dude who is a bad enough dude to cockwrestle Gilgamesh?

Because we are worried that if you do not Gilgamesh will sex us all to death.”

And Eiru is like “WELL I was wondering what to do with this rock I have.

BOOM. NOW IT IS A PERSON.”

This guy that Eiru creates is called Enkidu

and he is basically just Cousin Itt from
The Addams Family

if Cousin Itt had the ability to TEAR YOU IN HALF AND THEN FEED YOU TO YOURSELF.

He pretty much just runs screaming through the forest punching bears, every day

until one day some namby-pamby hunter sees him drinking water with all his sweet animal pals

and the hunter is like “THAT DUDE IS SO MANLY HE MADE MY GUN GO LIMP”

And he goes and asks someone else to help him get rid of this hairy dude

but the dude he is whining to is like “Dude, chill OUT.

Just go hit up Gilgamesh for one of his many, many whores

and then get Enkidu to bang that whore

and then all his animal magnetism will get sucked into the whore.

BOOM. SCIENCE.”

So the hunter goes to Gilgamesh, who hooks him up with an exceedingly legitimate ho

and he brings her back to the ol’ watering hole

and she flashes her tits at Enkidu

and then they proceed to bang for SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT

and afterward the ho makes Enkidu take a shower

which scares away all his animal pals because animals do not like hygiene.

So Enkidu is like “Damn, I gots to find me the source of all these comely hos.”

so he goes back to Gilgamesh’s kingdom

where Gilgamesh is right in the middle of trying to bang some dude’s wife

and Enkidu shows up like “Dude what the hell are you doing?

WANNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER INSTEAD?”

And Gilgamesh is like “YESSSS.”

so they punch at each other until they get tired of gargling their own teeth and then decide to be BFFs.

I am not a scientist, but this may be why women live longer than men.

Anyway, their first act as ULTIMATE BESTIES

is to walk all the way across the known world to punch Humbaba, the magic tree guardian.

Humbaba is not a bad dude or anything

he’s really more like those hippies that chain themselves to live oaks and whatnot

except he has INTESTINES all over his face

and his breath is a combination of DEATH and FIRE.

Anyway, Gilgamesh and Enkidu skip off toward this sacred cedar tree

LITERALLY HOLDING HANDS.

IT IS ADORABLE.

They skip for LEAGUES AND LEAGUES AND LEAGUES

and Gilgamesh keeps waking up in the middle of the night like “BRO, I HAD A BAD DREAM

IT WAS ABOUT VOLCANOS OR FIRE-BREATHING BIRDS OR LIGHTNING OR SOMETHING.”

And Enkidu is like “Naw, bro, those are totally sweet and appropriate things to dream about.”

BUT THEN THEY FINALLY FIND HUMBABA’S FOREST

and Humbaba pops out like “’Sup.”

And then this god Shamash who is apparently the sun god

suddenly shows up and hits Humbaba with ALL THE WINDS.

First there’s the winds you would expect like north, south, east, etc.

Then there’s some kinda reasonable stuff like blizzard, storm, and sandstorm.

But then shit really flies off the handle and we get whistling wind, ice wind, demon wind

and just straight up BAD WIND.

Anyway, all those winds immobilize Humbaba in an aethereal
bukkake
throwdown

so Gilgamesh is about to chop off Humbaba’s head

and Humbaba is like “DUDE WE ARE IN A FOREST.

THERE IS WOOD LITERALLY COMING OUT OF OTHER WOOD.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO MURDER ME FOR THIS SPECIFIC TREE.”

But Gilgamesh murders him anyway

and then he’s like “Sweet now I can use this tree to make a huge door.

I don’t really have a place to put a huge door right now

but like my grand-pappy used to say:

‘You never know when you’re gonna need a really huge door.’”

So they’re back at home, enjoying this sweet door and also each other’s company

when Ishtar has to come along and fuck it all up.

(Ishtar, by the way is the goddess of basically everything worth doing:

sex, war, and babies.

Wait, I don’t mean that you should do babies, though. That is gross/illegal.)

So Ishtar is like “HEY, GILGAMESH I HAVE THIS GAPING HOLE IN MY BODY

I’M WORRIED IT MIGHT JUST START SHOOTING OUT MY ORGANS OR SOMETHING

I HEAR YOU HAVE SOMETHING ABOUT THE RIGHT SIZE TO PLUG THIS HOLE

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
”

And Gilgamesh is like “Whoa, girl, slow your roll.

Your tits are exceedingly fine but I am aware of a little something called history

and history tells us that every dude you have banged

has either caught on fire or turned into a dwarf.

I am sure there are dongs aplenty in this kingdom of mine.

Go nuts.

Just steer clear of MY nuts.”

So Ishtar goes up to Godtowne and she is like “GUYS GILGAMESH WON’T STUFF MY MUFF.

GIVE ME THE BULL OF HEAVEN SO I CAN GO RUIN EVERYTHING.”

Yeah, apparently they keep this bull around for if they ever need to ruin everything

and the gods are pretty laissez-faire about how it gets used

so Ishtar drags the bull down to earth

and Gilgamesh eventually sees it after it’s killed like a million people

and then he and Enkidu are like “BEST BUDS TAG-TEAM MURDERCYCLE YEAH!”

and they handle the bull to pieces in a matter of seconds, and steal its horns

and then they high-five so hard that another thousand or so people die.

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL, MY FRIENDS

because tonight it is ENKIDU’S TURN TO HAVE THE DREAMS.

He dreams that the gods are all sitting around talking

and they’re like “Man,

Enkidu and Gilgamesh are a two-man meatgrinder grindin’ up all our best abominations.

We gotta kill one of them, but we can’t kill Gilgamesh his name is in the title.

Guess we better kill Enkidu, huh?”

And Enkidu wakes up like “THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO INTERPRET THIS FAVORABLY.”

Then he gets real sick and he dies.

Now, we all know about the nine stages of grief or whatever

but those are for CHUMPS.

Gilgamesh’s grieving process has three steps:

Step one: Cry about it.

Step two: Make everyone else cry about it using your fists.

Step three: SEEK IMMORTALITY.

So he goes and talks smack to some scorpion dudes, who let him walk through a mountain

and then on the other side he finds THE WATERS OF DEATH

which is probably not the first place I would look if I were searching for immortality

but anyway, there is an inn there

and Gilgamesh threatens the innkeeper until she tells him how to get across the water

and then he threatens the guy who can get him across the water

and then he has to rebuild the boat he destroyed while threatening that guy

but finally they sail to the other side which is where Gilgamesh was trying to get, apparently.

And there’s this dude there called Utnapishtim

and he’s like “Whoa, you got some balls coming over here, son. What’s your name?”

and Gilgamesh is like “I’M GILGAMESH.

MY BEST PAL DIED NOW I WANNA BE IMMORTAL.”

And Utnapishtim is like “That is the most weak-sauce reason anyone has given me to do anything.

But anyway, let me tell you my life story:”

SUMMARY:

UTNAPISHTIM IS NOAH

EXCEPT HE SAVES A LOT MORE HUMANS AND THEN HE GETS TO BE IMMORTAL

THE END.

And after his story, Utnapishtim is like “So, you see I busted my ass for immortality

and frankly I don’t think the gods are down to do that again.

You may want to just take your punk ass back across the waters of death and go die like a man.”

But joke’s on Utnapishtim

because Gilgamesh got so bored of the story that he actually FELL ASLEEP.

But actually, joke’s on Gilgamesh

because Utnapishtim bakes a ton of bread and puts it next to Gilgamesh’s face

so that when he wakes up SEVEN DAYS LATER

he sees all this moldy bread and he is like “Ew, gross.”

But then I guess Utnapishtim feels bad about his prank

so he tells Gilgamesh about this weird immortality plant that grows at the bottom of the ocean

and then obviously Gilgamesh ties rocks to his feet and sinks to the bottom of the ocean

(Again, this does not seem like the behavior of a dude who is trying to not die)

and he gets this plant

but then he stops to take a bath on his way back home and a snake steals the plant

and then eventually Gilgamesh gets old and dies miserable and alone

or maybe content and surrounded by whores.

The epic is not clear on this point.

So basically

Enkidu wouldn’t have died if that chick hadn’t boned him and then made him take a shower

and Gilgamesh would’ve had eternal youth if he hadn’t stopped for a bath

so the moral of the story

is that REAL HEROES NEVER BATHE.