Zenith Rising (39 page)

Erica pushed him off. She was not going to
stick around for further humiliation. And further heartbreak. She
stopped on the threshold and turned back one more time.

“You win, Spencer,” she said quietly,
sounding utterly defeated. She was thoroughly exhausted from this
push and pull that she seemed never destined to overcome. “You win.
You’re right. You can’t do any better than that. You can’t change.
I won’t try anymore. I won’t be around it anymore. Don’t call me.
Don’t come to work. Just don’t come anywhere near me.”

She heard him calling after her, but she
didn’t stop. She was in her car and gone before he could give her
some lame excuse over why her sister was at his house, late at
night, on the very night his mother came into her office. Erica
didn’t think she’d ever erase the image in her mind. Or survive
having her heart broken into brittle pieces at her feet. Or how
wrong she was about Spencer Mattox and what she thought she
signified in Spencer’s life.

Alone again in her condo, Erica sat in the
dark with a bottle of wine. She wandered over to the sliding door,
looking out at her patio and beyond, into the dark city and street
lights. She wandered into her kitchen, then her bedroom, then went
back to sitting on the couch. Numb. She was at a loss over what to
do. She didn’t feel like doing anything. The inertia that filled
her paralyzed her. She ached physically.

Why couldn’t she manage to keep a man? Why
did they all eventually cheat on her? Was it really because of her
job? Was she really so unbearably intimidating? Was she really more
of a doctor than a woman that men might desire? She thought it was
different with Spencer. It seemed to her that everything between
them was different. Deeper. Better.

She remembered Spencer mentioning more than
once how little time she spent taking care of herself. Or calling
people to ask for help. She picked up the phone, and for once,
called Joelle. For help.

Joelle was at her door in a few short
minutes, dressed in shorts and a tank top, bedroom slippers on her
feet. Erica opened the door and was instantly hugged by her short,
petite friend. Erica always felt like she was embracing a child
when she hugged Joelle, but this time, she didn’t because she was
so upset. She felt lost and hurt, and more like a child.

“What happened?”

“Everything happened. Everything that always
happens to me. What’s so wrong with me that I manage to drive men
to seek other women? Why can’t they love me enough to want only
me?”

“You mean Spencer cheated on you?” Joelle’s
shock showed in the widening of her eyes.

“Yeah. But it gets worse. My sister! My own
damn sister! I even introduced them.”

Joelle’s mouth dropped open in horror. “That
just… it doesn’t seem like Spencer.”

“Doesn’t seem like Spencer? Weren’t you there
in the heyday of groupies and brainless fans? Even as Spike, wasn’t
he screwing someone new every night? I saw it first hand, up close.
God, what a stupid fool I’ve been. I thought he felt differently
about me. But why should he? I’m no more than a fantasy he wanted
to conquer. I knew that, I did. I knew that, and let myself believe
differently. I believed I really meant something to him because I
needed to mean something to a man so badly. That turns me into a
pathetic nothing. It turns me into Tamira.”

“No. No, it doesn’t. I don’t think you’re so
far off about Spencer. He does feel different with you. I’m
convinced of that. Maybe… maybe he did screw up. Old habits, you
know, and that’s how he used to deal with his problems when he got
really upset. Or felt inadequate. He’d screw around. Maybe it’s
something like that. Not you. God, Erica, you’re the most
beautiful, successful woman…”

“That’s just it! Men want young, clueless,
vulnerable, easy, nonthreatening
girls.
They don’t want
successful, domineering, mature women. Seasoned, reliable, rich,
independent women are boring to most men.”

“You mean girls like me?”

Erica laughed. “You were young, that’s true,
and vulnerable, sure. But clueless? Easy? Nonthreatening? You cut
Nick Lassiter, bachelor billionaire, to his knees in confusion and
longing with unrequited love for you. I wasn’t talking about you
personally. I was talking about girls like Tamira, or my own
sister, Morgan. Girls like the one Roy dumped me for. At least, you
and Nick had the decency not to sleep together while I was still in
the picture. ”

“Erica, what exactly happened?”

Erica shrugged. She wandered back to the
couch and flopped down, while taking a sip of wine. “He was mad at
me, so he took off. Then he got even with me. I went to his house
to explain things to him and when he opened the door, he didn’t
want to let me in. Then I saw my sister.”

“Naked?”

Erica paused a second. “No.”

“In lingerie?”

“No. She had on clothes, well, as much
clothing as Morgan ever wears.”

“And she was walking down Spencer’s hallway?
Did he tell you specifically not to come in?”

“Well, he kind of stood there, without moving
aside. Not really doing anything. But he kept saying my name, like
he was in shock. What did he think? That I wouldn’t pursue him
after he got so mad at me?”

“So, he was standing there with your fully
clothed sister behind him?”

Erica glared, unhappy with Joelle’s calm
depiction of what she saw. “I know what I witnessed. And I saw it
before; remember? Remember Tamira?”

“You mean Tamira in lingerie, before he
started dating you?”

“What are you saying? I overreacted? I was
wrong? He had my little sister in his house at nine-thirty in the
evening!”

“You’ll just have to ask him why. Spencer
wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Wanna know why he was so mad at me?”

“Why?”

“His stupid mother came into my office,
without telling me immediately who she was. She gave me the
runaround before finally asking about Spencer Mattox; and only
then, admitted that she was his mother. His damn mother! Sitting
there in my office! And who should walk in right then to escort me
home? Why, Spencer, of course. And do you think he stepped inside
and asked me what’s going on, like most adults would have? No. Oh
no. He just left without another word. I’m sure he had every bad
assumption running wildly through his mind about me. And now you’re
telling me I shouldn’t assume? Or be angry? If not enraged?”

“Shit,” Joelle said, looking stunned. “His
mother? After all these years?”

“Yeah. She heard his name in connection with
mine, and came to me, in order to confirm that Spencer was truly
her missing son. And you’re telling me that Spencer wouldn’t use
that to be mad at me over too? Do you know the kind of stuff he
gets mad at me for? He gets mad if I walk to my car alone, or take
the stairs, or forget to call my family often enough. He gets mad
if I don’t call you enough, or when I work too much. He gets mad
because he thinks I’m trying to fix him, save him, change him, and
he even got mad when I downloaded some information on available
jobs in the music industry. I couldn’t do anything right with him!
When I never really did anything wrong. And yet he always assumes
the worst of me, every time, he assumes the worst. And now you’re
saying I shouldn’t assume the worst about him? I should try to be
more understanding?”

Erica was on her feet, pacing, her
unrepressed anger lacing her words with acid.

“No, you should be mad. But not at him. You
know why he is how he is. I think for a while there, you were
changing that, some of his attitude and general distrust of
everything and everyone. But you should have known it wouldn’t be
easy or quick. You knew that, Erica, going in. Fair or not. Then to
suddenly assume he’d cheat on you with your own sister? You must
first, at least, confirm it. You owe that to yourself, as well as
him.”

“I don’t owe him anything. He never gave me
that much consideration.”

“Erica,” Joelle said in a warning tone.

Erica flung her arms out and flopped down.
“Don’t ‘Erica’ me! I’m always mature. I’m always the grownup. I’m
always the understanding one. Well, guess what? I don’t feel like
being that right now. He thought I ambushed him with his mother,
even after I swore to him I would never do any such thing. The
thought that it wasn’t my fault never crossed his mind.
Everything’s always my fault. Then I see my sister at his house!
How can I forget that? Or live with that? I can’t. I won’t.”

“You know something? I think Nick could have
sat down during the first months that we dated, and said all those
things about me too. Some of us, just don’t get it right. It takes
more time to get there for some people, like me and Spencer, than
it does for people like you and Nick. We’re screwed up, Erica, and
we think wrong, and react too fast, often before thinking it
through. Just imagine if Nick had given up on me so soon? And don’t
forget I was married to Rob the entire time!”

Erica let a long breath out. “I’m just… I’m
so tired. All that I wanted is for Spencer to love me back. Now I
don’t think I’m strong enough to survive whatever it takes to get
past his impenetrable armor. I just don’t think I have it in
me.”

“Bullshit. You’re running scared now. You’re
mad at him, and justifiably so, but you’re stronger than anyone I
know! You’re just scared of not knowing the outcome and being able
to control what happens, like you do with everything else.”

“I’m afraid it takes more than just loving
someone to make him want you. To make him even capable of returning
the emotion. Maybe he’s just not emotionally capable.”

“Oh, Erica. That’s not true! And you, me,
Nick and Rob are the only human beings on this earth who actually
know. Don’t discount that. His history. His pain. Don’t discount
him like everyone else does.”

Erica looked away. “You’re asking too much of
me.”

“No, someone’s finally asking you for
something and you know you have it and you can’t just dump him
without another thought. Because this time, you love him back. Talk
to him, Erica, before you decide what really happened with your
little sister.”

Erica frowned as she gulped down the rest of
her wine. “I thought you’d cuss him out, and hold my hand.”

Joelle came over and gave Erica’s hand with a
squeeze. “Maybe you can see now why I ran back to Rob before
finally committing to Nick. It’s scary. Putting yourself out there,
when it’s so real, and you feel like you’ll die if it doesn’t work
out. That ring a bell?”

“Yes,” Erica said quietly.

“Yeah. Just what I thought. Give him a
chance. For yourself more than anyone else. Not every man will
cheat on you.”

“When the hell did you become the stable
one?”

“About the time you finally fell in love. It
makes you crazy, doesn’t it?”

Chapter
Twenty-Five

Erica kept mentally ordering herself to call
Spencer.
Just pick up the phone and call him
. But she
didn’t. She couldn’t force herself to do it. She kept finding
little distractions, and telling herself she’d call later. She
tried to ignore the anger that simmered inside her, causing her to
wonder why she always had to be the calm one? The sane one?
Spencer, as always, assumed the worst of her when he saw his
mother. Why couldn’t he seek her out? And for once, act like the
adult? Just once, why couldn’t he ask her why his biological
mother, whom he hadn’t seen in thirteen years, was sitting in her
office?

Spencer wasn’t at work, but Erica was.
Spencer didn’t call her; and Erica didn’t call him. She was tired
by now. So tired, she couldn’t find the motivation to fix it
anymore. Why did she have to fix everything? Maybe she didn’t want
to play that role every single time, with every single problem that
arose between them.

Why couldn’t Spencer just come to work? Or
better yet, her condo? Or simply pick up the phone? He owed it to
her, this time. Not only for having her sister at his house, but
also for assuming Erica would go behind his back and contact his
mother. Why couldn’t he be the mature one for once?

She knew deep down it wouldn’t happen. She’d
have to call him eventually. She’d have to fix it again. He’d avoid
her, and run away, and ignore her, while pretending he didn’t care.
He would convince himself this was the way it was always destined
to be for them.

Thoughts swirled around her head as she shook
her purse around, listening for the jingling of her keys. Finally,
she heard them. Digging into her big, messy purse, she had to pull
out her wallet, and other miscellaneous items before she found her
keys at the bottom. Scraping the black, silk lining of her purse,
she finally managed to grab them. She cursed at herself, her wallet
in her mouth, and dropped half the items in her left hand. Sighing,
she bent over to start picking everything up. She was in the
parking lot at work. It was dark, and she worked late again, trying
to keep her personal life and wandering thoughts at bay.

She muttered to herself how Spencer would
have had a fit if he could see her right now, crawling on the
pavement in the dark, utterly disorganized, her phone turned off,
and in fact, scattered with her other things over the pavement and
under her car. Spencer would have scolded her by saying she should
have had her keys out in her hand before she stepped away from the
illuminated lobby area. Or better yet, she should have left during
the daylight hours, when there were still other people and cars
nearby. As it was now, she was alone, her car standing solitary in
the lot. She didn’t care, and was probably doing it for revenge, or
as some kind of “screw you” to Spencer. But suddenly, now, with her
stuff spilled everywhere, she felt a chill. She knew she shouldn’t
have been so careless. And to never assume that she was fine,
especially when she was alone. She vowed not to be so stupid or
careless again with herself.