Zen and Xander Undone (20 page)

Read Zen and Xander Undone Online

Authors: Amy Kathleen Ryan

BOOK: Zen and Xander Undone
11.93Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

I hear a footstep behind, and suddenly I'm dropped to the ground. I roll over on my back and look up to see Adam and Topher struggling with each other. Adam's arm is wrapped around Topher's neck, and they're both red-faced and ugly. I want to help. I should help, but I can't move.

Topher can't get out of Adam's grip, so he rakes his fingernails down Adam's arm. Adam screams, and then I see a rising dark shape, and I'm so scared, because I think it's Frank, but then I see shiny hair. It's Paul. He's walking toward the both of them, and he's speaking very softly, his hands held out in front of him. “Calm down, guys. Okay? Just calm down.”

Both of them are looking at him, breathing hard.

“Topher. How about this?” Paul's voice is perfectly steady, but I can see his fingertips are quaking like leaves on a tree. “How about if you nod, it means that when Adam lets you go, you let us walk away. We'll leave. And we won't come back. And nobody has to go to the hospital tonight, or explain anything to the cops. Okay? Does that work for you?”

All the innocent farm-boy looks are gone from Topher. He's raging, breathing so hard that snot is flying from his nose, spit from his mouth. His eyes are hooded and furious, like a dog's.

I hear a shuffle to my left, and I move my head to see that Frank is trying to get up. This sends a jolt of fear through me, and I pull myself up to lean against Margot. “I gotcha,” she says. Frank eyes me as he rubs his chest, half sitting up and leaning on his elbow.

“Adam,” Paul says, “maybe Topher can't nod because you're holding his head too tight. How about you loosen up a little so he can nod his head, and we can all communicate, okay?”

Adam's eyes are cold, but I can see he's thinking, reasoning through this. He sees Paul is right. There's only one way out of this that doesn't end with jail, or worse. “Okay.” I can't see a change in the way he's holding Topher, but Topher feels the change because suddenly he's taking in huge gulps of air.

“Okay. So Topher?” Paul waits until Topher looks him in the eye, and then he continues. “So you're going to let us walk away, right? When Adam lets you go?”

He seems to think about it for a second. Then he nods once.

“Okay. I'm going to count to three, and that's when you let him go, Adam. One.”

Topher shifts his feet.

Two.

Adam braces himself with his legs.

“Three.”

Adam lets go of Topher.

Topher breaks Adam's nose with the heel of his hand.

A scream peals through the night, and Xander is running to Adam, who has dropped to his knees, his head lolling. She runs to him, kneels by him, takes his hand. She whispers, “I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.”

Topher walks calmly over to the keg, pumps out two cups of beer, and brings one over to Frank, who is sitting all the way up now.

“Can you walk?” Paul says, and cups his hand to my face. “Can you get to the car?”

“I'll bring it around,” Margot says. She shifts me over to lean against Paul, then jogs to Adam and Xander and gets the keys, jogs away.

A couple people from the party, including the guy who brought the ecstasy, come over to me and Paul. “She going to be all right?”

I want to shrug it off. I don't like people looking at me like this. But I can't speak because it's all hitting me. How crazy Xander is. How dangerous these people are. How badly Adam and I are hurt. How gone Mom is. I want my
mom.

“I don't know,” I hear Paul say. He rubs my back, presses his lips to my forehead, breathes into my hair.

Adam's car pulls up. Paul and the drug dealer hook their hands under my armpits, and slowly, gently, they raise me to my feet. Standing hurts a whole lot less than lying down. They lower me slowly into the back seat, then Xander brings Adam and lowers him in next to me. His eyes are screwed closed. His nose is crooked and bleeding, and it's clear he's hurting, but he'll be fine. Paul gets in the passenger seat, Margot takes the wheel, and Xander gets in behind Margot. It seems like we're almost away, but then the worst possible thing happens.

Frank leans into the driver's side window and gives me a vicious glare. “I'm not finished with you, little girl.”

I'm terrified, until Margot reaches into Frank's mouth with one clawed finger and hooks his cheek so that he has to look at her. “I'm finished with
you,
Frank. And if you come after
anyone
in this car, I'll slap you with a statutory rape charge so fast, your head will spin.” His face slackens, and he holds his hands up in surrender. He's trying to put a mocking expression on his face, but I can tell what Margot said shook him up. She hits the window control so that it rolls up, almost catching Frank's cheek with it before she lets it go.

“Sweetie,” Frank pleads through the glass. “There's no need to get crazy.” He's working hard to sound calm and steady, but there's such a look of fear in his eyes, I can see him for what he really is—a loser who can't get a woman his own age. Suddenly he's not so scary. “I lost my temper, that's all. I wouldn't hurt her! Don't go to the cops, okay, honey?”

“I mean it!” Margot snaps. “Stay away from us, or I'll throw the book at you!”

Just before we drive away between the sheltering mounds of rock, I hear the drug dealer ask Frank, incredulous, “You had
sex
with that little girl?”

The Aftermath

W
E GET A LOT OF SPEECHES.

Dad, standing over the three of us as we shrink into the sofa: “A black belt in shotokan is not a license to start fights! And you, Xander! You have everything going for you. A full ride to Caltech. And here you are, risking everything on a tablet of ecstasy! My god, what have you become!”

Nancy pacing the porch while we sit in her rickety swing: “What were you kids
doing
at a party like that? In the middle of nowhere? Drugs? Booze? Have you seen Adam's face lately? He looks like he got stepped on by a moose!”

Grandma on the phone: “You're children, the both of you! When I was your age, I was learning to crochet doilies with my girlfriends! We danced in the basement to old seventy-eights! We were innocent! You can never get that back!
Never!

Aunt Doris on the phone: “At least marijuana is
natural.
You can even grow it yourself. But those designer drugs are dangerous! Just one mistake in the lab, and suddenly your brains are scrambled eggs! Oh, I should have hidden my stash better! This is all my fault!”

After the speeches, everyone took a break from one another for a few days. Dad went back to hide in the basement, though I hear him outside our bedroom doors a lot more often. He's been knocking, and calling tersely, “You in there?” We always answer yes, and he always says, “Good. Because you're still grounded.”

I hear Xander going to the bathroom and then back to her room. She doesn't even play her stereo. I hear her tapping on her keyboard a lot, though.

I've been flat on my back for almost a week. Now my back is sprained in two places instead of just one. I'm under orders to get up and walk around once every hour, and I do, but the first few steps feel like I'm getting sprained all over again. It's awful to be hurt. It's awful to know that the person who did it is out there, and he probably isn't even sorry.

I have nightmares about being held down. Something is behind me, twisting my body, and I can't see what it is, but I can feel its strength. I wake up breathing hard, my throat dry and my sheets soggy. It isn't an easy thing to get over feeling helpless.

I hear a tap on my door, and it swings open to reveal Xander. She has her hair in two braids pinned to the top of her head, and she's wearing Mom's old overalls and a black T-shirt. It's a shock to see her like this, because she looks like she did a year ago, before Mom died. She looks like the old Xander.

Maybe it was a good thing Adam wanted to go to that party after all.

“Hey,” she says, and smiles wanly. “How's your back?”

“It's getting better.”

She comes in and sits at the foot of my bed. “Have you talked to Adam lately?”

“No. You haven't?”

She shakes her head. There's a weak look in her eyes, and I realize she's too ashamed to call him. “I saw Nancy weeding her flower bed yesterday, and she says his black eyes are almost gone and the swelling is much better.”

“Is she still mad?”

“Yeah, but I think she's proud of him too. The way he tried to defend us.”

“You should call him.”

“I will.” She lies back on my bed, resting her head against the wall. “Do you think you could maybe travel sometime soon?” she asks.

“The doctor said I should be mostly better in about two weeks.” I hope he's right. I'm so sick of my back being out, I could scream.

I'd hoped she'd let this go, but of course she can't. The truth is, I've been thinking about John Phillips too. I want to let it go, but it won't let go of me.

“Do you think the hatchback would make it a thousand miles?” she asks, only half serious.

I make a face.

“You're right. The hatchback is out. Maybe we can borrow Dad's Audi.”

“Yeah, right.”

“I'll tell him it's our last chance to do a sister-on-sister road trip. He might let us.”

“Ask him if we can host an orgy first. Soften him up.”

This conversation is pointless. We both know Xander is planning on going with or without permission.

Her eyes slip over to my window, and I can see she's looking at Adam's house again. There's something different about her now. I've never seen her humbled, but that's how she seems. I've always admired her daring, but I like this humbled Xander too. She doesn't scare me as much. I hope she stays this way.

“If you don't go over there and talk to him,” I tell her, “it's going to seem like you don't care.”

“I know.” She stands up, patting down the overalls, which are huge on her. “How do I look?”

“Like my sister.”

She takes a deep breath and slowly walks to the door. “Wish me luck.” She turns to look at me over her shoulder. She's biting her bottom lip so hard that it's turned white. She's afraid. She gets halfway out my bedroom door and stops, turns. “Can you come with me?”

“No, Xander.”

“Zen. I don't know what to say.”

“The truth usually works on people. Maybe you should try that for once.”

She stands there, staring at the rug in front of her feet. “I'm not sure what the truth
is.

“In another month you guys are going off to college, and if you don't take care of it soon, things can never be put back the way they were.”

“Oh, Zen. That's already true.” She smiles at this, and for a second I see a glimpse of the Xander who always thinks she knows what's best. “We'll never be the same again.”

She closes the door behind her, but I can hear her standing on the noisy floorboard in the hall. It squawks under her, as though she's shifting her weight back and forth. Finally I hear her footsteps, slow and halting, as they go back into her room.

Coward.

I want to close my eyes for a nap, but I'm too haunted by the memory of Topher's arms clamped around me, holding me helpless while I screamed in pain. It sends a searing ache through my guts, and I fold into myself.

I lie still, imagining pulling out of Topher's hold and kicking him in the head. I kick him harder and harder in my mind until I hear his neck snap. Now instead of feeling helpless, I feel sick to my stomach.

I think there's something wrong with me, deep inside.

I ease myself out of bed, hobble out to the hallway, and pick up the phone.

He answers on the second ring. “Shotokan, Sensei speaking.”

“Mark, it's Zen.”

“Hi! How are you doing?”

The question completely undoes me, and I start crying. I try to be silent about it, but even my silence gives me away. Finally Mark asks, voice low, “What happened?”

I tell him the whole story, starting at the surprise party, and then describing how Frank punched Paul, and how I had launched myself at Frank before I'd even had time to think. I tell him how I'd been held against my will, how I'm haunted by that, and how helpless I feel about everything.

When I'm done, he's silent for a long time. Finally, he speaks, but he sounds shaky. “So what do you think you're learning from this?”

“I don't know,” I tell him. “I was hoping you'd be able to help me.”

“When you attacked, did you use your skill to good purpose?”

I say nothing, because trying to defend myself would sound to him like I'm not learning anything. The truth is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn.

He senses my hesitation, and his tone changes. “Zen, I think you need to do your soul-searching on your own. This isn't something I can teach.”

“Okay.” My eyes trace the outlines of my room, and I try to think of something more to say.

“We're adding another intermediate section in the fall. The class starts September fifteenth. Can you make it?”

He's not really asking me if I
want
to. He's asking if I'll sort through my baggage by then. “I'll try.”

“It will be great to have you back. We've missed you.”

I feel incredibly tired. After we hang up, I dig under my covers and close my eyes, letting myself fall asleep.

Lecture from Mom

I
WAKE TO FIND
M
OM
playing in the dappled light that moves through the tree leaves outside my bedroom window. They flutter, and she speaks. “A black belt doesn't make you invincible.”

“I know.” I turn my head and breathe in the scent of my fresh pillowcase, which Xander brought up this morning.

Other books

LustAfterDeath by Daisy Harris
The President's Daughter by Jack Higgins
The Sound of Letting Go by Kehoe, Stasia Ward
Hearsay by Taylor V. Donovan
The Breed by EL Anders
Festival of Shadows by Michael La Ronn
The Harvesting by Melanie Karsak
Hollywood Princess by Dana Aynn Levin