Yours to Keep (20 page)

And…nothing. What could he say? Something flip, like
thanks for the good times,
didn’t feel right. Maybe
goodbye.
Or
why does it feel so shitty to be leaving right now?

He stared at it a long time, then put the cap back on the marker and shoved it in his pocket. There was nothing left to say, so he grabbed his bags and walked out of Emma’s house.

Cat and Mary met at their usual café, the mood pessimistic. The month certainly hadn’t ended like either of them had thought—and hoped—it would.

“She was so cold to him before we left,” Cat said, “but about a half hour after we got home, I heard her crying. I peeked into her room and she was sitting on the floor with a sticky note in her hand, sobbing her heart out.”

“Could you read what it said?”

“That’s the thing—it was blank. Just a blank sticky note.”

Mary frowned. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I don’t know what the deal is with the sticky note, but I know she cares about him a whole lot more than she wanted him to know.”

“Sean’s not answering his phone. I made Kevin go up and knock on his door. He said Sean wasn’t in a really sociable mood and we should just leave him alone for a few days.”

Cat shook her head and put another sugar cube in her tea just to get the kick. “They’re both hard-headed. I’m afraid if they’re left alone for a few days, they won’t come around at all.”

“When I talked to Lisa earlier, she gave me the impression you weren’t going to have your goodbye party since we’re not all going to be one big, happy family. Maybe you should.”

“I hadn’t even thought about it yet. Emma’s knee-jerk reaction was to cancel it but, to be honest, even if she and Sean boycott, I still want to say goodbye to everybody.”

“Sean won’t boycott.” She said it with the certainty of a woman who’d brook no argument from the men in her life.

“Emma won’t, either.”

“Maybe a little more time together, without the lies, is just what they need.”

Cat smiled and took a sip of her tea. The bad part of the plan was the fact she’d have to say goodbye to Sean all over again. She wouldn’t look forward to that, considering how sad doing it the first time had made her. But it would be worth it if there was a chance of bringing him and Emma together, especially if it happened before she flew back to Florida.

They talked about the party for a few minutes, but then Mary finished her tea and dug a few dollars out of her purse. “I hate to run, but I promised I’d watch Brianna this afternoon. Joe has a writing deadline and Keri has an editing deadline and the baby doesn’t really care about either one.”

Once she was gone, Cat asked for a tea to go and walked down to the patch of grass that passed for a public park and pulled out her phone.

“Walker Hardware.”

Just hearing his voice brightened her day. “Hi, Russell. Are you busy?”

“Nope. Already had my customer for the day. What’s up?”

She told him the whole story, starting with Emma’s confession and ending with their intention to have the party as planned. “I hope you’ll still come. And Dani and Roger, too.”

“We’ll be there. It sounds like you’ve had a big day. Do you want me to close up early?”

He was such a good man. “No, but thank you for offering. I’m going to go home and see how Emma’s holding up. If I know my girl, she’ll have her
everything’s okay
mask in place by the time I get there. And she’ll be scrubbing the crisper drawer runners or reorganizing the junk drawer.”

“I’ll be thinking of you, Cat. And call me later if you need somebody to talk to.”

“I will.” She closed her cell phone and took a deep breath.

They had two days to keep the kids on an even keel, and then they’d see how things went at the party. She had her fingers crossed forty-eight hours would be long enough for Sean and Emma to realize how much they missed each other.

Sean was going to crack. Or his steering wheel was going to crack if he didn’t loosen his grip on it.

He was fourth in the caravan of Kowalski vehicles heading to the house with those stupid daisies painted on the mailbox to eat cheeseburgers and say goodbye to Cat. And it was a damn good thing he was alone in the truck because he needed the time to steady himself so he didn’t totally lose his shit in front of his entire family.

It would be a final goodbye to Emma, too. Now that they didn’t have to pretend anymore, it should have been easy. A fun barbeque with friends and family. No deception. No trying to remember who was getting which story.

But Sean was still pretending. He was pretending it didn’t bother him his fake engagement had come to an end.

The rest of his life stretched before him and the time had come to figure out what he wanted to do with it, but he couldn’t see it. Every time he tried, he pictured Emma.

All too soon, they were all pulling into the driveway and parking down the sides so nobody got blocked in. He could still make a break for it, he thought. Drive out across the lawn and back out onto the street.

But he wouldn’t. He’d man up and see this hellish day through.

Everybody was out back and he made his way through the crowd to say hello to Cat, and then Russell, Dani and Roger. Emma wasn’t in the yard and, when he looked toward the house, he saw her in the kitchen window. She was watching him and, in the seconds before she moved away, he saw that she looked as tired as he felt.

The kids immediately went off to explore Emma’s yard, but there wasn’t much to hold their interest. Bobby had his Nerf football with him, though, so an impromptu game broke out.

He watched Cat say something to Russell, who went over and fired up the grill. It was a stupid thing, really, but Sean had to look away. That had been his job when he was the man of the house and seeing Russell do it just brought it home it had all been a fraud.

He’d never been the man of Emma’s house. He’d been an actor filling a role.

Mike handed him a beer and pulled up a seat next to him. “Which one of us won?”

Sean looked around, but nobody was paying any attention to them. “Whoever called two weeks.”

“So what now?”

Wasn’t that the twenty-five-thousand-dollar question? “What do you mean?”

“Kev said you moved back into the apartment over the bar, but are you guys going to keep seeing each other?”

He shook his head and took a long pull off his beer so he wouldn’t have to say it out loud.

“Why not?”

“Leave it alone, Mikey,” he growled.

Emma came out the back door with an armful of potato-chip bags, which she dumped on the patio table. She smiled at him, but it was a little shaky, and went back inside.

“You should talk to her.”

“Thanks, Oprah.”

“Whatever. I know sometimes you guys feel sorry for me. Poor Mikey, with the mortgage and the minivan and no life. Well, guess what? I feel sorry for you because I’ve got an amazing wife and four kids that rock my world every day.”

Rather than tell his cousin to pound sand, Sean drained the rest of his beer and dangled the empty bottle between his fingers. “I’m happy for you, but not everybody wants that.”

“No, but you do. You’re just too chickenshit to go for it.”

Sean shook his head. “What the hell do you know about it? We were sharing a room. She’s hot. We had sex. End of story.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.” And when Emma came out of the house with a tray of condiments, he turned his head and watched the kids tossing the football.

After a few minutes, Mike got bored with the brooding silence and, after slapping him on the shoulder to let him know there were no hard feelings, got up and walked away. Rather than sit and draw the attention of any more amateur shrinks in the family, he followed suit, forcing himself to be sociable. It wore on him, though, and after a while he wandered around to the front of the house, looking for some peace and quiet.

He found Keri sitting in one of the porch chairs, rocking Brianna. He hadn’t seen much of her in the backyard, and the baby was probably why.

Keri smiled when she saw him. “I just fed her. Hoping if I sit here and rock long enough, she’ll take a nice nap.”

“I’m in the mood to sit for a while and you haven’t gotten to visit at all. Hand her over and I’ll rock her while she naps.”

“Don’t offer if you don’t mean it,” she warned.

“I mean it.”

She got up so he could sit down and then she deposited the warm lump of baby in his lap. Brianna squirmed and sniffled a little, but then he started rocking and she quieted down. Keri peeked at her daughter’s face, smiled at Sean and then ran, probably afraid he’d change his mind.

The rocking motion soothed his frayed nerves after a while and he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He was too paranoid about dropping the baby to nod off, but he relaxed and let himself enjoy the summer breeze and the smell of freshly cut grass. The sounds of a happy, boisterous family in the backyard. The squeak of the chair every time he rocked backward.

For a few minutes he could even pretend it was what he’d wanted all along.

“Have you seen Sean?” Emma couldn’t find the big spatula and she was hoping he knew where it was.

Joe nodded. “Keri said he’s on the front porch, rocking Brianna while she naps.”

“That explains why Keri’s having a good time,” she said, which made him laugh.

Rather than go back through the house, Emma walked around the outside, her feet silent in the grass. And when she turned the corner, her heart did a painful somersault in her chest.

Sean was in one of the rocking chairs, the baby cradled in his arms as he gently rocked. His head was tipped back and his eyes were closed, but it was his mouth that drew her attention.

He was almost smiling. Not quite, but enough to give him a peaceful and content look that made her ache. They could have had this. They could have had a baby he would rock on the porch on midsummer evenings. She could have had a man like Sean.

Instead, she’d had a performance.

“I told you what happens when you stare at people,” he said in a quiet voice without opening his eyes.

“You weren’t sleeping.”

“No, but same principle.” He did open his eyes then, turning his head to look at her. “Were you looking for me?”

“I’m looking for the big spatula and thought maybe you might know where it is.”

“Check the pantry. I was putting stuff away and I had it in my hand and my phone rang. I might have set it down in there.”

“Okay.” She waited a second, but he didn’t say anything else. “Thanks.”

Rather than walk back through the gauntlet of loved ones, she went in through the front door and walked back to the kitchen. The spatula was on the second shelf of the pantry, and she gripped it in one shaking hand.

It was all wrong. Her Sean would have teased her about his putting something away in the wrong place just to push her buttons. There would have been warmth and humor in his eyes. This Sean was closed off, giving her nothing.

It made sense. Her Sean had never been anything but a lie. Just her luck to choose a man who lied so well she’d almost believed it herself.

“Emma?” It wasn’t until she heard Lisa’s voice that she realized she was standing in the pantry, holding a spatula and crying. “Emma, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she tried to say, but it got all caught up in a sob and didn’t come out right.

Lisa took the spatula out of her hand and tossed it on the table before pushing her toward the stairs.

“The burgers—”

“They’ll find the spatula,” Lisa said firmly. She pushed Emma up the stairs and down the hall to her room.

It hurt so much to look at the bed. The tears ran freely down her face and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do to stop them. “I fell in love with him.”

“Oh. Oh, shit.” Lisa shook her head. “Kowalski men do that. They show up in your life and drive you so insane you want to slap them upside the head and then—
bam
—all of a sudden you can’t live without them.”

“That’s pretty much what happened.”

“Did you tell him?”

She shook her head, mopping at her face with a tissue Lisa pulled from the travel pack she always had in her back pocket. “I can’t do that to him. He disrupted his whole life to do me a huge favor and I’m not going to repay him by dumping my emotions in his lap.”

“I
really
think you should tell him, Emma. Mike told me they all think he’s serious about you.”

A glimmer of hope flickered to life in her chest, but it fizzled almost instantly. “When I told him it was over, he ran out of here like the house was on fire. He didn’t look back. And just now…he doesn’t feel anything.”

Lisa blew out a breath and crossed her arms. “Sometimes they need a little help.”

“It’s over, Lisa.” The words echoed like a mournful bell tolling in her mind. “But I’ll be fine. Really.”

“We know Sean almost better than anybody and he does feel something. We’ve all seen it.”

“Hell of an actor, isn’t he?”

“No, he’s not. He’s such a bad liar none of us really thought he could pull this off in the first place.”

Emma refused to let herself feel hopeful again. She may as well have been a complete stranger for all the emotion he’d shown her today and it hurt too much to poke and prod, looking for scraps.

“You should go downstairs,” she told Lisa. “If people start looking for us, I’ll end up with your whole damn family in here.”

“Do you want me to tell them you don’t feel good?”

“No. I’m going to take a couple minutes and wash my face and then I’ll be down.”

Her friend gave her quick hug. “I’ll save you some Doritos.”

She managed to smile, but it faded as soon as Lisa left the room. Throwing herself facedown on her bed and having a good cry sounded like a good idea, but she couldn’t. Her having an emotional breakdown would ruin Gram’s party.

Instead she doused her face with icy-cold water and did a little makeup magic. She didn’t look her best, but maybe she could get through the rest of the day without anybody guessing she was totally coming undone on the inside.

“It’s not working,” Mary said quietly, and Cat had to reluctantly admit she was right.

Sean and Emma couldn’t have had more distance between them if they were in different counties. Cat and Mary were smooshed together in front of the kitchen sink, watching the party through the window. Sean on one end of the yard, Emma on the other.

“Why are they being so stubborn?”

Mary snorted. “He’s a Kowalski. I’m not sure what Emma’s excuse is.”

They sighed in unison. “I know there’s something there. I’ve lived with them for a month. Maybe they’re not ready to run off to Vegas yet, but it was more than the sex. I’m sure of it.”

“I’m sure of it, too. And would they be so carefully avoiding each other if it was nothing but a breezy fling? It hurts them, seeing each other here.”

“Idiots.” Cat left the window and started pulling desserts out of the fridge.

“Speaking of stubborn idiots, how are you leaving things with Russell?”

Cat set a bowl of Jell-O salad on the table and stared at it. “I don’t know.”

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know.” She sighed. “It doesn’t feel like it did when I fell for John. And we haven’t been seeing each other very long.”

“I’m not surprised it doesn’t feel the same. You’re sixty-five years old and what’s important to you—what you want in a man—is different now.”

“I enjoy his company. I know that sounds lame. I’d probably enjoy the company of a golden retriever, too. But I
like
him. I like being with him.”

Mary took over, taking the plastic wrap off the Jell-O salad and sticking a spoon in it. “But you’re afraid that’s not enough.”

Cat laughed. “You’re very good at this.”

“I raised four children, plus had a hand in the raising of four nephews and a niece. Throw in teenaged grandchildren and I’ve seen my share of love woes, trust me.”

“His life is here.”

“A one-bedroom apartment in senior housing? The occasional Sunday dinner with Dani and Roger?”

“Have I known him long enough to ask him to move to Florida with me?”

Mary slid the bowl toward Cat and moved on to slicing Keri’s store-bought chocolate cake. “I don’t know. Have you?”

The door opened before she could answer and Stephanie walked in, pulling her earbuds out and shoving them into her pocket. “Mom told me to come in and help.”

“You can start carrying things out to the table,” Mary told her. “Make sure you keep the dishes away from the edge of the table if Lily’s cruising.”

They finished preparing the desserts in silence and then it was time to drown her uncertainties in copious amounts of sugar, chocolate and whipped cream. She laughed as Sean and Keri played best out of three Rock-Paper-Scissors for the last blonde brownie, and at Beth, who had her hands full trying to stop Lily from sneaking whipped cream from anybody she turned her blue eyes and dimples on.

They were such a wonderful family, she thought. Having them as in-laws would have been a pleasure.

When she couldn’t possibly eat another bite, she threw her paper plate in the trash and headed toward the double-wide swing hanging in the shade of the big maple. John had built it from scratch and she’d spent many an hour there, gently swaying with a four-year-old Emma on her lap. The picture books and stories they’d read together in the swing had helped them both leave their grief behind for a few minutes.

She sat and nudged the ground with the toe of her shoe, giving it a little swing. The wood was warm and smooth under her hand, worn with time but meticulously cared for by Emma.

Russell crossed the lawn to join her and she scooched to one side, making room. “I can’t believe how much food you ladies made. I’m going to waddle for a week.”

Their hands were on the seat between them and he threaded his fingers through hers. She sighed and rocked her feet against the ground, from heel to toe and back, making the swing sway.