Your Orgasmic Pregnancy (22 page)

Let’s take a closer look at a few of these, and also at some other issues that may contribute to the situation:

• Vaginal soreness may last for several months, especially if you experienced tearing or underwent an episiotomy.
  

• Levels of the milk-production hormone prolactin, which also has a libido-dampening effect, are at an all-time high.
  
• Lactational amenorrhea (the cessation of your menstrual period during lactation) keeps estrogen levels extremely low. Decreased estrogen levels may result in a significant reduction in vaginal lubrication and/or a thinning of vagi- nal walls, which can contribute to discomfort, soreness, and decreased pleasure. Once ovulation resumes, estro- gen and androgen levels climb, bolstering your libido and making you juicy again. (See the next chapter for a more in-depth discussion of breastfeeding and sexual response.)
  
• Engorgement of your breasts may cause discomfort.
  
• Guilt—theold“you’re amothernow” syndrome—canputa real damper on your sex drive. Sex is a necessity, not a self- ish indulgence. Pooh-pooh the notion that there’s nobility in total self-sacrifice!
  
• The decreased intensity of postpregnancy orgasms can be frustrating.
  
• A traumatic delivery may require a significant emotional and physical recovery period for both partners.
  
• Some women develop thyroiditis or postpartum depres- sion, both of which result in rapidly declining sex drive.
  
• The mother may be avoiding dealing with body image is- sues by not allowing herself to get sexy.
  

Be patient with yourself and your progress. Allison says, “I had an episiotomy and third-degree tear. It took me a long time to recoverfromit. I think Imust’vewaited at least twomonths. Sex was pretty uncomfortable for a while. Too, I think everyone needs to be aware of what sex feels like when you’re breastfeeding. It can feel like shards of glass because the lack of estrogen creates a lack of natural lube.”

If you’re not feeling up for a romp in the months following childbirth, know that you’re not alone. This is a very normal re- sponse for a number of Hot Mamas, especially those who are breastfeeding. Your hormones are readjusting themselves, and the changes in your body are just temporary. You should be back on top of your game in no time.

In the meantime, alternative methods of experiencing physi- cal intimacymaybeeasier, moreappropriate, andlessexhausting. For example, committing to a mere sixty seconds of pleasurable and/or nurturing touch each day will do wonders for both of you. Activities such as cuddling, shoulder and foot rubs, or simply looking deeply into each other’s eyes for several seconds leading up to a passionate kiss can keep you connected during this transi- tion phase. It is important that neither of you put an exaggerated amount of pressure on yourselves over this situation. Do not take a lack of sex personally, and practice patience with each other and yourselves.

Hot Mama, talk to your lover about what is going on with your body, factors impacting your sex drive, and what you’re capable of doing. Partners are often hoping for some insight because they

How You Can Help Her

You can help alleviate the negative aspects of new motherhood for your partner. The issues a postpartum woman faces that con- tribute to her lack of libido include confinement, a lack of uninter- rupted time and freedom to pursue personal interests, little or no social life, needing a break from the demands of the child, an inability to control and define the use of her time, loss of confi- dence, and difficulties coping with an infant’s feeding and sleeping patterns. Partners can help mothers out by babysitting, which will give her some time to reconnect with herself, especially her sensual self, or, better still, by having a babysitter step in for even just an hour or two so the couple can have adult time, either together or apart. Sometimes she will need her lover to take the initiative in arranging some alone time for her, especially if she feels guilty about giving herself time away from the baby.

for partners

have lots of concerns and questions that may go unaddressed. Tom, a thirty-one-year-old criminologist, is thankful for the ex- tra steps his wife took to communicate with him during her preg- nancy and postbirth:

My wife’s taking the initiative to talk about things was useful forme, becausetherewerepointswhen Iwasuncomfortable,

like with breast milk. I didn’t know how I was supposed to react. Her just asking me, “Are you not comfortable with this?” in the long run made things much easier. It’s hap- pening, so try not to pretend that it’s not. From a guy’s per- spective, I really appreciate that she’s carrying the major- ity of the burden of pregnancy. There are places, though, whereawomancantakeonmoreresponsibility; the changes in her sexual feelings are in her court. So it’s helpful not to treat it as some mystical event, but to have a discussion and allow him to try to understand her experiences. Guys don’t want to imply that anything is problematic, but this is of- ten what comes across when he asks questions while trying to figure thingsout, for example, aboutweightgainandhow that feels. He needs the information from her to help make things better.

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Getting Back into the Saddle

When you can and when you should have sex after childbirth are

often two very different things. Depending upon whether you’ve undergonea C-section, anepisiotomy, or severe tearing, youmay need to wait a bit longer before resuming any sort of sex play. And thephenomenonofpostbirthbleedingmaybeoff-puttingtosome couples. Most childbirth practitioners, including Dr. Meulen- berg, suggest that you wait at least four to six weeks before having intercourse. “Imakeallmypatients waituntilafter theirpostpar- tum visit at six weeks,” she says. “We check their perineum if they

delivered vaginally to be sure that it healed well. Also, they should have their first period around that time [unless they’re breast- feeding exclusively]. It does happen that some women come into the six-week visit pregnantagain. That doesn’t give their bodyany time to heal andcancauseproblems. Thesix-weekvisit is whenwe talk about family planning and birth control, so it is best just to hold off until then.”

Here’s Danielle:

Cravings for intimate and sensual touch returned in fits and starts for me. We indulged in some gentle petting, and we attempted penetration. But our sexual relationship did not resume in earnest until somewhere around seven weeks postbirth. When it happened, it was like losing my virginity all over again. As new parents, we were both different peo- ple. My vagina was a foreign land begging to be discovered. I had no idea what to expect. Rediscovering and reinventing my sexual self was a tearful and tender experience. Fortu- nately, thanks to Kegels and other pelvic exercises, my part- ner reported that it was like making love to a virgin. I was relieved. My secret fear that my vagina had been stretched too far to give pleasure was unfounded.

Allison is another woman who found sex to be better after childbirth: “My sex life improved after I had my son. My archi- tecture down there changed for the better. I noticed it about four monthslater, and Iwasreallysurprisedsince Iwasnotalwaysgood

at remembering to do my Kegels. I have read that one’s vaginal walls change, so I’m not sure what helped me feel tighter.”

When you take lovers’ emotions into consideration, knowing when is the right time to resume lovemaking can become more complex. Exhaustion and crazy schedules aside, lovers may feel a bit overwhelmed about reconnecting sexually. Partners may har- bor some of the typical misconceptions about postbirth intimacy. With both partners feeling a bit high strung, it is important to be gentle, respectful, andstraightupwithoneanother. Invitediscus- sions, validate feelings, and share your hopes and concerns about what is to come. Postbirth sex can be intense and amazing, bring- ingyou together like twoyoungloversexploringeachother’s body and touch for the first time. Taking things slowly, lovingly, and lightheartedly, withanopenandadventuresome attitude, is key to becoming sexually intimate again. The other key is that you, Hot Mama, feel totally up for it.

Take your time rediscovering your pre-preggie sexual self. You may want to start with oral and manual pleasuring and work your way up to intercourse slowly, building the anticipation. Be- come brand-new lovers all over again. And when you’re ready to “go all the way,” start with easier positions that allow for slower, more sensual sex, like the side-by-side variations we covered in Chapter 3. Realize that you can do everything you could do be- fore you became pregnant. Some activities may be less comfort- able than others for now, but that will change soon enough. Pace yourself, and we’re quite certain that you’ll be your good ol’ Hot Mama sexy self in no time.

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What’s Normal?

If you’re curious about what is typical for other couples, studies

have found that most start engaging in noncoital sexual contact about two to five weeks after childbirth, usually before inter- course has resumed. Intercourse, on average, is resumed six to eight weeks after birth in Europe and the United States. Before the sixth week postpartum, only 9–17 percent of couples are hav- ingsexualintercourse. Thisisagreat time to shareyourshoweror bath ritual with your partner. Lathering and touching each other can refresh your sense memory and start the slow-burn buildup to outright sexual longing.

Bythreemonthspostpartum, nearly all coupleshaveresumed having sexual intercourse. Shockingly, however, studies demon- strate that more men than women tend to be sexually disinter- ested at this point (maybe the only time men are actually lagging behind women in sexual desire). Many postpartum couples ex- perience sexual difficulties overall, particularly lowered sexual desire and dyspareunia (painful intercourse), which brings us to the next saddening stat: Relationship satisfaction usually hits an all-time low during this period. Most couples claim moder- ate satisfaction within the first trimester postpartum, followed by significantly lower levels of relationship satisfaction well into the first year following childbirth.

A separate study of 570 women found that most women were equal in terms of when they recommenced sexual activity after childbirth, with one exception. Those who had cesareans gen- erally resumed intercourse somewhat earlier. Something that

frequently causes women with cesareans to wait a bit longer, though, is that they experience a sensation during early postpar- tum sex that the scar is about to burst open. Don’t worry—as long as you’re healed enough to avoid ripped stitches or excruciating pain, it won’t. Avoid putting weight on the scar for several weeks after your foray back into sex play. And always get your doc’s green light first.

We’ll leave you with one more statistic, Hot Mama, and this one should be an encouraging one. There is a direct correlation between those couples reporting higher relationship satisfaction and those reporting greater frequency of sexual intercourse and less loss of sexual desire. If that’s not incentive enough to shag, we don’t know what is!

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Postpartum Passion Maintaining You Hot Mama Status