Your Next-Door Neighbor Is a Dragon (25 page)

Anthony Cruz is unrelated to Annie Cruz, but they both deserve an equal amount of my thanks. Manuel Fortier-Lanctot supplied me with fleur-de-lis au gratin. Rich Beischer offered to use his connections in the book business to manipulate the
New York Times
Best Seller list. Then he forgot. Sammyz didn’t forget, which is why Rich is lying facedown in a puddle of blood!

Klaus Käyhkö said the umlauts were important. Far be it from me to ignore umlauts. Benjamin Cole hates himself so much that I just ruined this book for him by mentioning his name. Myron Bruce, meet my Ron: Reagan. I’m not sure what Ken Benjes did to help, but I think it involved handling live snakes. Kevin Martin handled the snakes as well. It wasn’t Kevin Martin’s job.

Jason Lyon chased Mike Horsepool right off the diving board and into the completely normal pool not intended for horses. Then Jason Lyon bit Mike Horsepool because he is a lion! Chris Creasy was too greasy to help me much, but he could escape from a bear hug.

Evan Adkins and Neil Amundson should not be thanked after midnight, and you definitely don’t want to get either of them wet. Nicolai Olsen wanted to give a shout-out to YCS, but in ten years, no one will even know what that means. Thank Jesus instead, moron! Percival Ignatious Jr. sounds like he has a fake name, which causes him a lot of problems when crossing international borders. Von Dü’s Buff Stricker took my beef sticker, and now I’m eating bad meat! Timony Cutwell plays metal guitar for a very popular Poison cover band in the Encino area.

Kit Farman has white friends, and they’re clappin’ like this, y’all. Craver plans to drop the “C” and invest in glow sticks. Tim Heylen was not named in the indictment, but he promised to thank me in his book. They say Seth Mayne was blown up by Spanish saboteurs; I say he has blown up because of all those donuts. Jared Larsen searched the cushions of my couch for change and came up with half a potato chip. Jackpot!

Ben “Moose” Boyd provided the radioactive elements for my dirty bomb. Jordan “Televisedlnsanity” Hass thinks he is no relation to cover artist Josh Hass, but he is really his father! Beefnoodle is the worst kind of noodle and the best kind of friend. Josef Metesh has been conducting pressure experiments on members of the band. Dann Holmes implores you to tear up the floorboards, there, and there, to silence the beating of that damnable heart!

Markoff Chaney is my go-to guy for hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock. A God Damned Hilarious Fake Name should try not to take the Lord’s name in vain so much. MissileWaster is a lender of last resort. Agent “Mike P.” Escalus runs a resort of last resort, and he needs to borrow some money. Jon “Asshole” West was a big—well, he was an asshole.

Siminu Wolfcöre has nominated himself for treasurer but plans to vote for someone else. Steven Rogers is running unopposed as county comptroller. Alex Zawacki was thinking about running for something, but he forgot to file his papers. Josh Levine has decided to step down as 13th Ward alderman following a sex-for-contracts scandal involving the garbage trucks union and a couple of hookers named Stephanie and Joseph Savino.

Booger has a dumb-ass call sign, and a dumber-ass CB handle. 10–4, Senorita Boogerfarts! Fuller9x is recording numbers stations and posting them on his blog. Johann Skulason wants to know what happened to Tower 7 and doesn’t think he needs to wear pants just to get a goddamn answer. Karsh knows the answer and demands pants. Phillip Jacobi will be representing the families of everyone who lost a loved one to this book.

Magnar postponed his suicide to read this book. Now that it’s through, he can go ahead and take care of some unfinished business. LB & BG are having a LGBT BBQ, BYOB. Ian Burns wants you to take a look at this gape! It’s insane! lpzie was once a little green ball of clay; now he’s dead because he refused to wear a seatbelt. Thomas Story was voted worst Story of 2007 at the Story Family Reunion in Bookville. Jonathan Floriani did nothing wrong in the eyes of the law, but the rest of us know what he did.

Jewish Pokémon is searching for a mohel for Snorlax. MrOpus is a pocket monster mohel, but he only works on Digimon. Alexander Mackenzie Parkes Kent divides into two complete individual people when threatened. Branden Miesemer had better not try that hypnotism shit with my girlfriend! Will Knox just learned a valuable lesson about negging a handicapped girl in front of her sister. Austin “Ulkhaul” Luton has never learned any lessons in his life and wanders around in a sensory fugue state.

Geraint Cheers was implicated in the theft of the royal jewels. Robert Watling was the mastermind of the caper, but he got off scot-free. Kristoffer “Daydream” Hofmann was supposed to disarm the security system, but he became distracted, thinking about roller coasters.

Gabe Constantine asked for me to dedicate this book to Sarah Palin. I refused, and I am instead dedicating this book to Ed Hamper. Thanks, Ed! The PrankDialer Guy was really just a computer we plugged into the phone line that would call restaurants, play a sound clip of laughter, and then hang up. Drew “Leovinus” Moffatt ate so much ice cream, he died and is now the second man ever to die from ice cream. 486 is cooler than Steph. I don’t really believe that, Steph. You’re wonderful.

Brian Pinkos can point to this sentence in this book and maybe a girl will touch his wiener. FictionSpoilers.com is the worst website ever, and you should never visit it unless you hate children and baby ducks. M. Simon Rouswell doesn’t have a twist ending. He just dies and gets buried like everyone else. Sub-Actuality, on the other hand, turns into a computer program and sells beverages for America.

James Hunt plans to name his kid Mike, and he can’t stop giggling. Shout-outs to Big P: we shared the good times and the bad times and the loot from that bank robbery. Don’t worry, Big P, I will never snitch about the Substandard Saving and Loan in Wood Creek, New Jersey, that we robbed on March 15, 2006. I won’t tell nobody about that security guard, David Dorr, we had to tie up in the trunk, and then you forgot to take the tape off and he died in there. I will not tell the authorities about André Spångberg, our accomplice that we murdered so we wouldn’t have to share the loot with him. Nope, my lips are sealed, Big P.

Liquidator says everything must go, and who am I to argue? Some dude says barren sky & Manta = BFF, and I am fucking embarrassed as shit right now to even include that. Dude, this is in a book forever, and that is the best you could come up with? Brandon Sladey knows what I’m talking about. That dude has a tattoo of himself on his ass. Duncan Boland knows, too; he got the Chinese letters that spell out “I hate America” on his back.

Keyboard Fox lives to eat; he doesn’t eat to live. Bart Holthuijsen is probably reading this book under blighted foreign skies. Corey Greenhawk shares the name of my wood elf wizard, and he was a pretty good D&D character. SLoW learned the hard lesson that if you have never played a fiddle before, you shouldn’t enter a fiddler’s duel with Lucifer. Allison Clark is losing her battle against the gum disease gingivitis, but she’s winning the war. Simon “McSteve” Bailey has never brushed his teeth, mostly because he has a beak!

Extra Innings Lovin is only getting his name mentioned because he beat me in a staring contest. Liam Treasure marked an “X” on the map to my heart. Pete Hansen has never caught a predator, but he has entrapped several herbivores. Aaron Lopez thinks it’s funny to impersonate Jesse “The Body” Ventura. How about taking your craft seriously, Aaron?

Bob Moulton is cooling to form a substrate on which this island will grow. I would like to thank Lobsterboy for being Lobsterboy, Richard Takacs for being a hot tub swinger, and Josh Vermast for following the distress beacon and playing right into my trap. Stephanie Chaplin is not going to regret this in the morning. Matt Kwis is still downloading the Internet onto his disk drive. Please insert new volume, Matt.

Boo. Who’s terrifyingly linguistic. Dr. Charles Boulware III, esq., is a made-up fake name some jerk wanted me to put in this book. Yeah, real hilarious, Admiral Peabody Jerkington IV, D.D.S. Chris “Niggard Please” Buckey is going to get me in trouble with all sorts of people who can kick my ass. Gary Carver doesn’t care if I live or die, as long as I enter his name into the public record. Matt Cruea died for my freedom, facedown in the muck of Panama.

Outlaws-Delight is not the sort of name you want for your law firm. The Chinese Connection is great, as long as you just want noodles or dragon-themed import furniture. JasTiger is going hull down for charity, and duggimon is just trying to evolve before the next commercial break. Jossoy is burning churches in Norway because I asked for a black metal Christmas.

Cameron David Pryor was an honorable foe, and I salute his doomed effort to defeat me in combat. George, Paul, Katie, and Partha, you fight like a girl. Ha Ha Ha. John Rhines is the 2009 recipient of the World’s Greatest Dad award. Chris Manlow isn’t a dad at all, but when he’s alone, he puts on a big dad hat and pretends he is a dad. Catelyn Newman loves me more than
Twilight,
and that’s saying a lot because she likes the Twilight books oodles!

Kreeblah ignored the warning sirens and paid the price. Stefi Pfeifer, some dude thinks you’re hot and wanted me to include you in this book. He’s going to eventually regret it, so you might as well make him really regret it. Marry him.

Vidmaster likes to watch dogs kissing each other. Sashi G. Alvarez is wishing his hard drive would hurry up and defrag so he could download some more pornography. Sergio Opperman is today’s Worst Person in the World. Colin Creasy may or may not be related to Chris Creasy, but I hate them both equally! Nick Dunn has never left my side, even when I’m in the shower. Nick, it’s starting to get a little weird. Can you at least wash my back if you’re going to stand there?

Stephen Kinser doesn’t read Sutter Cain, but he’ll still throw an axe at your face. Qiyu Liu is just trying to work out all the bugs before this book enters beta. Manky is willing to eat anything, if the price is right. Teemu Pulkkinen had a look at what’s in the bag, and yeah, it’s a human ear, alright. Scienide is not a part of your recommended daily allowance. VeryVito is updating his dream journal with another scorcher about your mom.

Slightly Evil Overlord James Hunt has ordered his minions to climb under your car and make it so your brakes squeak loudly at each stoplight. Chris “Petey” Peterson is my coworker, so how can I not include him? Thanks, Petey! Enok “kjetting” Moe is opposed to the bailout money for fjord. Souha Azmeh has two to beam aboard, captain.

I hope Erika Lee Schneider-Thurston and Sean Ronald Thurston stay together long enough to appreciate being listed as a couple in my book. If not, Erika bought the books, so I hope she won everything in the divorce. Sorry, Sean.

Mark Winckle slept for twenty years, and when he woke up, I had written another book. Perfect timing, Mark! Kyle Kalkman’s name is a killing word. Beto’s name is just a regular word, and no amount of fancy-pants science is going to convince him it causes cancer. Videodrome wanted to be thanked, but the new flesh died, so we’re going to cancel the celebration.

Rudi Endresen is from Norway. He was the first guy in the whole world to buy this book. That makes him cooler than you, unless you are Rudi Endresen reading this sentence. Thanks, Rudi! Sorry about Norway!

Love,
Zack Parsons
2009