Your Love Is King (21 page)

Twenty-One

“Hang On To Your Love”

“Where is he now?” Carla asked.  She’d finished her assignment and was back in Arkansas with her boys. She and Bryan were trying to work things out but were still separated.

I pulled the phone from my ear and stepped into the kitchen doorway. From there I could see Chris sitting in his usual spot on the sofa.

I reclaimed my seat at the kitchen table. “He’s on the couch. He just sits there all day long, watching TV until bedtime.”

“So he’s not any better? It’s been, what, two months now?”

I sighed. “Yeah. He’s just having a hard time coping. He blames himself for not trying harder to find Russell. He thinks if he’d found him earlier, he’d still be alive.”

“He doesn’t really believe that, does he? He’s got to know that it’s not his fault.”

“A lot of what Chris knows is in the back of his mind. He’s just blocking it out. He’s… he’s just not Chris anymore. I don’t know
who
he is.”

“I’m sorry, Marli.”

I placed my elbow on the table and my free hand on my forehead. “And the worst thing is that I don’t know how to get him back. He hasn’t picked up a Bible since Russell died, won’t step foot in a church. He’s cancelled all of the band’s shows. He just sits and stares at the TV or stares into space. He won’t talk to me. The only thing he
will
do with me is have sex with me.”

“Whoa, wait a minute. I thought you two were waiting until after you got married or did I miss something? Did you get married and forget to tell me?”

“No. After all that’s happened, I just don’t think it would be right to bring up us getting married. It just seems selfish.”

“Well, who brought up y’all having sex?”

“Um, I did. I just wanted to help him, Carla. I would’ve done anything to make him feel better. So one night it just happened. Now it happens all the time, several times a day.”

“Several times a day? Dang, girl. You must’ve really put it on him.”

“Carla…”

“Seriously, Marli, I don’t know how you held out so long in the first place. You have the discipline of a nun.”

“
Carla
…”

“Okay, okay, just tell me this, is he any good?”

“
Very.
”

“
Daaaang
, girl.”

“Carla!”

“Okay, sorry. Look, if you feel so bad about it, don’t do it.”

“To be honest, it’s the only connection I have with him now. Like I said, he won’t talk to me or even look at me otherwise. I never dreamed things would end up like this. I was supposed to be wife but now I feel more like a jump-off.”

“No, you’re definitely not a jump-off. Jump-off’s don’t get marriage proposals or big rings, and they don’t get to live in luxury condos.”

I sighed. “What am I gonna do, Carla? I just want my old Chris back. That’s all I want.”

“Stop trying to make him better. Stop trying to fix him.”

“And do what, Carla? Sit back and watch him disappear? Desert him?  I love him. I can’t do that.”

“I didn’t say desert him. But what you’re doing now is enabling him to stay in that rut. Pray for him, be there for him. Doing things that you know are wrong just to try to make him happy won’t help him.”

I shut my eyes tightly and rubbed my forehead. “Yeah, you’re right. Look, I need to get off and see if he’ll eat some dinner. Pray for us. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sure thing. Bye, girl.”

“Bye.”

I walked into the living room and stood next to the couch. “You hungry, Chris? I made lasagna.”

Chris looked up at me and shook his head. “No, I’m not hungry.”

“Okay, well, there’s plenty. Let me know if you get hungry. You need to eat, baby.”

I turned to leave, but before I could, he grabbed my arm.

“Come sit down with me,” he said as he looked up at me. His eyes were still so full of sadness.

I smiled down at him. “Okay.”

I sat down, and Chris grasped my hand. I looked into his eyes as he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it.

“I love you, Chris,” I whispered.

His lips moved from my hand to my arm. “I love you, too,” he murmured. I closed my eyes as he worked his way up my arm to my neck then my lips. “I love every single inch of you, Marli.”

I looked up at him as he stood and began to undress. I knew I’d feel guilty afterward, but at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with Chris in that way—to hold him, to touch him, and to love him.

“I want to help you feel better,” I said.

He sat back down next to me and kissed me. “You
do
make me feel better.”

“I do?”

“Yes. You do.” He looked me in the eye as he undressed me. “
This
makes me feel better.” He pulled me into a tight embrace, his warm skin soothing mine. “I love you so much, baby. Don’t ever leave me.”

“I won’t.”

 “Good, because I won’t ever let you go.”

“Neither will I.”

I closed my eyes as we slid from the couch to the floor… and Chris and I comforted each other the only wa
y we knew how.

Twenty-Two

“Turn My Back On You”

After another month or so of a sorrowful existence with Chris, I was thankful that Tiffany was coming to St. Louis for a visit. I hoped her presence would help to lift the dark cloud that loomed over our lives. But even in that hope, the heaviness of my heart remained.

On my way to the airport to pick her up that day, I decided to make a quick stop. I stepped into the sanctuary of Rev. King’s church, sat near the back, and prayed. It was Wednesday afternoon, and the sanctuary was open to the public.

I sat there and fought back tears. I was worn and tired and I felt so alone. I loved Chris more than I could explain. I wanted so badly for us to return to what we’d once had. But he just seemed so distant, and the pressure of trying to carry him had begun to make me physically ill. I was having trouble keeping food down, and I’d started to lose weight.

I leaned forward and rested my forehead on the back of the pew in front of me and closed my eyes. I prayed and prayed until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Rev. King standing next to me.

I wiped my eyes and stood to my feet. “Oh, hi, Rev. King. I… I was just leaving.”

I felt embarrassed about being seen in such a mess and, besides, I was pretty sure he and his wife didn’t think too well of me since Chris and I had been living together for months. Most Sundays, after church, I made it a point to avoid them, which was a stark contrast to the many Sunday dinners I’d once shared with them.

He placed his hand on my arm. “Wait, can I speak with you for a moment, Marli?”

I sat back down on the pew.

“How’s Chris doing? He won’t return any of my calls,” he said with a concerned look on his face.

Before I could answer, I dissolved into tears. Rev. King put his arm around my shoulders to comfort me. When my tears had finally ceased, he moved his arm and looked me in the eye.

“Marli, has Chris talked to you at all about what happened?”

I shook my head. “No, sir—not really. We don’t do much talking anymore.”

He nodded. “How are
you
feeling?”         

I released a ragged sigh. “Tired and helpless. I want so badly to help Chris. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Were you praying for him just now?”

“Yes, sir. I was praying for
both
of us.”

“Then that’s the best thing you can do for him—for both of you. We’ve all been praying for him. Chris is stronger than he seems. He’s had to deal with death almost ever since he’s been in this world. I know he’ll work through this. Stay by his side and support him. He’s blessed to have you in his life. He’ll come around.”

I exhaled deeply. “I hope you’re right. I miss him
so much
.”

He smiled at me. “So do I. Where are you headed after this? You should come over to the house for dinner.”

“Um, I’m gonna pick my daughter up from the airport in a little bit.”

“Great. Bring her along. We’d love to meet her.”

I offered him a weak smile. “Okay, I will.”

~*~

I sat outside the airport in Chris’s Navigator and waited for Tiffany’s flight to arrive. Though Christmas was only days away, it felt like it was years away. I thought about what Carla and Rev. King had said, but I was honestly beginning to think that I was spinning my wheels. I wondered if maybe I wasn’t what Chris needed. Maybe my presence was only making things worse for him. Maybe I should’ve left long ago.

I was staring out the windshield and had just decided to walk into the airport when my phone rang. It was my father. I hadn’t talked to him since the day he met Chris. I hadn’t wanted to talk to him, either. I stared at the phone for a moment and then pressed the button to answer the call. I held it to my ear but didn’t speak.

“Hello? Marli?” my father said.

“Yes.”

“Oh, I wasn’t sure if you answered or if the call had disconnected.”

I didn’t reply.

My father cleared his throat. “Um, how’ve you been?”

“Fine.”

“Well, that’s good. And Chris?”

I was surprised he even remembered Chris’s name. “He’s okay.”

“Really? I talk to Tiff just about every week. She told me that he lost his son. I’m very sorry to hear that.”

“Um… well, thank you.” He was being surprisingly kind and normal. What was his deal?

“Well, I hate to hear of anyone losing a child. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you or Justine.”

I paused for a second, still surprised by his words. “Well, Chris is all right, considering.”

“Good. He’s a good man.”

Things had finally reached the top of the weirded-out scale. “Um, Dad? What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“The way you’re talking? Saying all those nice things? What’s the deal?”

“Marli, you’re my daughter and I haven’t heard from you in months. When Tiffany told me what happened, I was concerned.”

“Well, thanks for calling. We’re all right.”

“Well, stick with him. He’s a good man, and he obviously loves you. He certainly didn’t back down to me, and I can respect that.”

“
Really?
” I scoffed. “It would’ve been nice if you would’ve let Chris know you approved of him.”

“Hopefully, I’ll be able to tell him one day.”

I hesitated, and then said, “And it would’ve been nice if you hadn’t said all of that horrible stuff about me.”

Silence.

I sighed. “Okay… well, I need to get off now. Tiff’s plane just landed—”

“Wait… I… um, I apologize for saying those things. I was caught a little off-guard by Chris. He just didn’t seem like your type.”

“And what exactly
is
my type, Dad?”

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

“Then what you just said doesn’t make any sense and it’s not the truth.” I felt my eyes begin to well up. “You said those things because that’s honestly how you feel about me. You think I’m unlovable and unacceptable and… and it hurts. It’s
always
hurt for you to say those things to me.”

“I didn’t know… I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“Yeah, well, I just needed to get that off my chest. I need to go now.”

“Okay. I love you, Marli. I hope you know that.”

I wiped my wet face, released a sigh. “I do. Bye, Dad.”

I ended the call and then headed into the airport to meet Tiffany.

On the way from the airport to Chris’s parents’ house, I was quiet as Tiffany chattered away about Spelman and all of the friends she’d made.

“Mama, you okay?” she asked.

I glanced at her. “Yeah, I’m all right. I’m glad to see you. I missed you.”

She smiled. “I missed you, too. How’s Chris?”

I sighed. “He’s the same.”

“He’ll come around. Just give him some time.”

I nodded and pulled into Rev. King’s driveway. We walked up to the door and were greeted by Chris’s mom who hugged both of us tightly before leading us into the house. We walked into the living room where I introduced Tiffany to Rev. King, then we all took a seat while Rev. and Mrs. King asked Tiffany about Spelman. During the conversation, I have to admit that I pretty much just zoned out. I felt like I was in a fog. Chris had been in so much misery, I honestly think it had rubbed off on me.

“Marli?” Mrs. King said.

I snapped out of my haze and looked around the room. Evidently, Mrs. King had called my name more than once. Everyone was staring at me.

“Um, ma’am?” I said.

Rev. King frowned. “Marli, are you okay?”

“Yes, sir. I’m fine,” I answered.

He glanced at his wife then back at me. “Lizzie was just saying that dinner should be ready in a few more minutes.”

I looked at him for a moment. “Actually, I think I should get back to Chris. He’ll be wondering where I am.”

“Why don’t you let me deal with Chris? He needs to get out of that apartment, himself. I’ll call him. You just sit tight.” He looked at his phone and then up at me. “Let me call him on your phone, Marli. Maybe he’ll answer if he thinks it’s you.”

I handed him my phone and sat and watched as he dialed Chris’s number. From what I heard of Rev. King’s side of the conversation, Chris wasn’t going anywhere, and he wasn’t too happy about me being there, either.

“Well, she can bring you a plate then,” Mr. King said. And then, after a long pause: “Chris, she’ll be back. It’s just dinner.” And after another pause, “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

Rev. King ended the call and handed the phone back to me. “Um, Marli, he’s pretty upset about you not being there. And he says he has something he needs to tell you.”

I nodded and picked up my purse. “Okay. Come on, Tiff.”

Mrs. King stood and said, “Marli, why don’t you let Tiffany stay here and have dinner with us? We’ll bring her over later. Besides, I’d like to see Chris. He hasn’t been over in weeks.”

I looked over at Tiffany who nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.” Then, out of the blue, a wave of nausea hit me. “Can I use your bathroom real quick?” I asked as I clutched my stomach.

Mrs. King nodded and gave me an odd look. “Sure, you know where it is.”

I made it to the bathroom in the nick of time. I wondered to myself what in the world was wrong with me. I’d been experiencing waves of nausea and vomiting for over a week.