You Might Be a Zombie . . . (27 page)

A brave move, agreeing to take the liability—or at least it would be if Dole thought for a second that it would ever have to act on it. See, Dole knew about a legal doctrine that would all ow it to force the cases to be tried in the impossibly corrupt courts of the plaintiff’s home country, so when a bunch of Nicaraguan farm workers started getting sick, Dole calculated that it would cost less to pay off Nicaraguan courts than to stop using DBCP. When that plan failed and the banana workers started winning cases, Dole moved to plan B, plugging its ears and humming loudly. So far, despite court-ordered judgments favoring Nicaraguan banana workers totaling more than $400 mil ion, the workers have yet to see a dime.

1. COCA-COLA

The sweet bubbly deliciousness that is Coca-Cola has been a beacon of happiness for generations of kids and adults alike, even those who weren’t around back when it was spiked with nose candy (see page 127). With all of this universal joy spreading, some people may be surprised to find that Coke I isn’t the only atrocity in the big red machine’s closet.

If you work at one of the Coca-Cola bottling plants in Colombia, South America,
dear God why?
There’s a saying in Colombia that “union work is like carrying a tombstone on your back.” If you spend too much time thinking about it, you’l realize that saying makes no damn sense. Just trust that unions are general y frowned upon by the armed paramilitaries who rule the Colombian streets.

But it’s not like the unions didn’t have it coming. They’re always asking for things like fair wages and humane conditions for their workers, both of which can hurt the bottom line of global corporations thinking about housing their factories there. This in turn means less money for the Colombian government.

Fortunately for global corporations, the Colombian government is corrupt as hell.

A great example of how economics works in Colombia is the Coca-Cola bottling plant in Carepa, where five union leaders were murdered between 1994 and 1996 alone. In the most publicized case (meaning not really publicized at all , unless you count the Internet, which you shouldn’t), union executive board member Isidro Segundo Gil was murdered near the gates of the Coke bottling plant by paramilitary thugs.

Of course, Coca-Cola denies the assassination had anything to do with their policies. It was probably just a coincidence that a union organizer who opposed management policies was gunned down! Hel , machine-gunning someone is probably considered a sign of respect in Colombia!

In 2004, then New York City councilman Hiram Monserrate assembled a fact-finding delegation to conduct an independent investigation on behalf of his strongly Latin American constituency. After meeting with Coke officials, Monserrate’s delegation travel ed to Colombia and spoke with workers and eyewitnesses to the unfortunate machine-gun accidents that kept befal ing unionized factory workers who opposed the bottling company’s policies. After hearing both sides of the story, the delegation concluded that management had either looked the other way or actively employed paramilitary enforcers to murder union supporters.

The thing that seemed to push the delegation over the edge was the day after the murder, when eyewitnesses say the gunmen returned and forced workers to sign paperwork resigning their union memberships. For whatever reason, Monserrate’s fact finding delegation also seemed to take issue with the fact that Coke never bothered to conduct an investigation into a murder that was committed in a Coke bottling plant and that conveniently helped Coke’s bottom line.

Of course, we can’t say for sure that Coke deserves any blame for Gil’s murder. Those are just all egations, made against a giant corporation with way more lawyers than Cracked.com. So, real y, you shouldn’t assume anything. Like the old saying goes, “When you assume, you just make an ass out of you and me and evil corporations that have rancid sucking wounds where their hearts should be.”

SATURDAY-MORNING
cartoons offered children of the 1980s and ’90s hilarious gags, flashing colors, and lovable characters their age, some being brought up in environments so abusive they made even your crappy parents seem decent by comparison. Don’t remember that last part? You must not have been paying attention to the plight of characters like . . .

5. PENNY FROM INSPECTOR GADGET

Legal guardian

Inspector Gadget, the cyborg that would have resulted if RoboCop’s accident had also made him retarded.

Where are the parents?

In the world of classic cartoons, roughly 80 percent of all children are orphans. This is important because it teaches young viewers that someday their parents will mysteriously disappear from their lives for no reason and never be mentioned again. Penny was Gadget’s “niece,” but she looks nothing like him and shares none of his baffling incompetence.

The horror

Most episodes open with Gadget warning Penny that the mission he’s about to go on is too dangerous for her (always after he’s disposed of a clearly labeled explosive by carelessly tossing it in his employer’s face). While these warnings might seem responsible to an outsider, Penny knows better. She
has to go
. If she doesn’t save his ass from whatever malfunctioning machinery happens to spring out of it next, it’s back to the orphanage.

When Gadget actually invites his niece to come along and match wits with a global terrorist (he does this multiple times), it’s probably the most responsible thing he could do. At least she doesn’t have to figure out a way to pay for airfare and travel to strange lands unaccompanied by a grown-up.

The gritty reboot of your childhood cartoons, starring a malnourished Dakota Fanning, Howard the Duck, and a real, terrified chipmunk.

Not that her uncle is an adult in any real sense of the word. Penny probably had to start childproofing their house as soon as she could walk. But he looks like one to outsiders, and for a twelve-year-old girl constantly traveling to foreign countries by herself, kidnappers and perverts must be a constant concern.

The missions are no picnic. It turns out there’s a reason that
real
detectives don’t bring their kids along to investigate global terrorists. Penny is kidnapped dozens of times, and on one occasion has to be rescued from a machine designed to crush her to death. By her dog.

In fact, when you look at everything she goes through to continue living with her defective robot guardian, it becomes pretty clear what a goddamned horror show cartoon orphanages must be. Which is bad news for . . .

4. HUEY, DEWEY, AND LOUIE

Legal guardian

First their uncle, Donald Duck, then when Donald joins the navy, their great-uncle Scrooge McDuck. Apparently when you’re a duck, even if you’re from the same family, your last name reflects whatever crude ethnic stereotype you represent.

Where are the parents?

According to volume 1, number 1, of
Walt Disney’s Comics
, the boys “hospitalized their father when a prank involving firecrackers went wrong.”

Historically speaking, in cartoons explosions are about as effective as laws requiring the wearing of pants. So this was either one
massive bitch
of an explosion, or the biological parents are just using it as an excuse to get away from their indistinguishable kids. Given the fact that the parents have never sought contact with them again, we’re leaning toward the latter.

The horror

After being abandoned, they are left in the care of Uncle Donald, who’s known for having anger-management problems. He in turn hands them off to a moneyed, distant relative four times their age who is general y thought to be an asshole by everyone in his community. So they are abandoned
twice over
before they even hit puberty.

The sheer size of Scrooge’s fortune, coupled with the lack of anyone their own age to socialize with, pretty much guarantees that Huey, Dewey, and Louie will grow up to become Duckberg’s version of the Gotti children, a fate that anyone outside of the hair-gel industry can agree is worse than death itself.

3. THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

Legal guardian

Master Splinter, if giant rats who live illegally in the sewers can indeed be considered “legal” anything.

Where are the parents?

Once normal turtles, the boys were transmogrified into hideous abominations after marinating in radioactive sludge, which means their parents are most likely still just normal turtles, eating wilted lettuce, scrabbling against glass wall s, and humping one another for the amusement of YouTube viewers.

The horror

The real vil ain here is Master Splinter. OK, also Shredder. But Splinter was once a disgraced human ninja, who immigrated to New York City and immediately took up residence in the sewers rather than trying to find housing. Once the turtles arrived and he was changed into a rat, he decided the best course of action was to teach his newly adopted sons to be a noble—if hilariously in-your-face—ninja fighting squad.

Let’s go over that again the way the people from Child Protective Services would put it: Known soldier of fortune Hamato Yoshi fled to the United States, likely to avoid arrest for one of his many murders. He evaded immigration authorities by living in the sewers, where he raised four young men from infancy. Throughout their upbringing, he kept them largely confined to the sewer system, fed them a steady diet of junk food, and brainwashed them into forming a code-named terrorist gang will ing to enact violence on his behalf.

How Donatel o ever learned to “do machines” in this environment remains a mystery.

2. KIT CLOUDKICKER FROM TALESPIN

Legal guardian

Rebecca Cunningham, owner of the Higher for Hire air-delivery business and most attractive bear on television outside of Zach Galifianakis.

Where are the parents?

Yep, another orphan. According to the show, Kit was raised by air pirates before meeting Baloo, the jocular drunk who encourages him to get towed behind airplanes while standing on a sheet of metal. If air pirates are anything like their waterborne brethren, Kit’s backstory implies (a) that his parents were murdered in front of him and (b) that he’s been routinely sexually assaulted (the sky, she is a lonely place).

The horror

At first blush, Kit seems to have a shot at recovering from his deep emotional scars. He’s been adopted into a nice family, headed by an educated, no-nonsense woman; just the type of sexy bear lady a young tough needs to set some boundaries and turn his life around.

Unfortunately, he spends most of his time endangering his life with Baloo the flying DUI.

Also he lives in a town with only one way in or out: a tiny crack in a cliff face constantly being patrol ed by the same murderous air pirates that slaughtered his parents. We have to imagine it’s tough to mature into anything resembling a normal adult when your childhood is one long flashback to your parents being murdered and the filthy pirate sex that robbed you of your innocence.

1. ALVIN, SIMON, AND THEODORE

Legal guardian

David Seville, a jingle-writing lifelong bachelor in his thirties, who for some reason lives in a four-bedroom house by himself.

Where are the parents?

The show gives no hints, but assuming they’re also talking chipmunks logic dictates that they’re either squashed flat on the interstate somewhere or still in the woods wondering who the hel kidnapped their beloved children.

The horror

Dave illegally cares for three children (not his) and forces them to learn complicated song-and-dance numbers for his own profit. When they fail to perform to his impossible standards, he yel s, “Alvin!” at them and makes them start over.

He’s the ultimate weirdo stage dad.