You and I Forever (11 page)

“
Her condition?” I question, not trying to hide my confusion. “I don't know what you're talking about.” I admit, jumping slightly when Bentley's hand rests gently on my leg.

“
Ms. Wade has a massive Glioblastoma. Has she not discussed any of this with you?” He cocks his head to the side and looks at me curiously.

“
A what?” I breathe, not able to fight past the confusion that suddenly seems to be clouding every aspect of this conversation.

“
Glioblastoma.” He repeats. “It's a type of cancerous brain tumor.”

“
Brain tumor?” The words fall from my mouth and suddenly I feel like a thousand pounds is crushing down on my chest making it difficult to breath. “I don't.... I don't understand.”

“
Has she not discussed any of this with you?” He asks, waiting until I shake my head before continuing. “Ms. Wade was diagnosed with a massive Glioblastoma five months ago.”

“
Why haven't you done surgery?” I ask, not even sure that I understand exactly what he is saying.

“
Given the size and location of the tumor, it is inoperable. Unfortunately at this point, we have done everything we can for her.”

“
But what about other treatments? Radiation? Chemo? There must be something you can do.” I insist.

“
We could have tried radiation and chemotherapy upon diagnosis but it would have only bought her a few months at most and would have severely affected her quality of life. She decided very early on that she did not want the treatment. We did a new round of scans today which revealed that the tumor has nearly doubled in size since her last exam. Given the fact that she passed out, I would say that the size of the tumor is now affecting other areas of her brain. These tumors are very aggressive and can grow rapidly. Originally we thought she would have a little more time given how early we found it, but that no longer appears to be the case. As medical Power of Attorney, you need to make sure you are aware of all of the options available should Ms. Wade not be able to make the decision for herself.”

“
I don't.... I don't understand. Are you saying she's not going to wake up?” I ask, my voice trembling slightly.

“
I am confident that she will regain consciousness. However, today was only the beginning of what is to come. Before too long she won't be able to function without assistance. Her ability to walk, talk, care for herself; these are all things that she will suffer as a result of the tumor.”

“
So you're saying..... She's going to die?” I ask, fighting back the lump of emotion that works its way into my throat.

“
Not today but yes, she is dying.” He says, shaking his head.

“
How long?” I choke, feeling like I have suddenly stepped into some alternate universe.

“
It's hard to say exactly. Six weeks, maybe a little more.” He says apologetically.

“
Six weeks......” The words come out barely above a whisper as I struggle to grasp everything that is being said.

“
There is nothing more we can do for her except to make her as comfortable as possible. I recommend admitting her until we can decide on the best course of action. She is likely to need around the clock care going forward. I am surprised that she has been able to function so long without it. Most patients with cancer as aggressive as hers, typically show signs much earlier. Has she had any other fainting spells that you are aware of?”

I shake my head, not able to form even one word in this moment. Bentley's grip on my leg tightens and I know that he is trying to remind me that he is here, that everything is going to be okay. Only it's not going to be okay. Nothing about this is okay.

“
I'm so sorry about this.” The doctor says, pushing into a stand. “I will have a nurse come get you once we have Ms. Wade admitted and taken to her room. I will stop by and speak directly to the both of you once she regains consciousness and we can collectively decide how to proceed from there.” He says, nodding at me and then Bentley before turning on his heel and walking away.

I watch him cross the sterile room and turn left, disappearing from view within a matter of seconds, but I can't pull my eyes away from where he just exited. Nothing about this makes sense. Patty was fine. She's been fine. How can she be dying?

“
Anna.” Bentley's voice cuts into my fog as his arm comes down over my shoulder and my body is shifted into his chest. Wrapping both arms around me, he holds me tightly against him but nothing, not even Bentley Reed himself, can make this okay.

I feel numb. Like I am in some weird dream state and I just need someone to wake me up already. I close my eyes tightly, willing it to be so. I need this to be a dream. I need this to not be real. Someone please tell me this isn't real.

“
Anna.” Bentley says again as I start to pull out of his embrace.

“
I can't do this.” I stutter out, jumping to my feet. “I can't.” I say, taking a step backwards when he stands too.

“
Anna, I know this is a lot to take in but.....” He starts but I cut him off.

“
A lot to take in?” I question, my voice bordering on a yell. “A lot to take in?” I repeat again, not sure how to calm the ferocious storm that seems to be waging deep inside of my very soul. “She's dying Bentley.” I can feel the tears fall down my cheeks but I don't care enough to wipe them away.

“
I know.” He says, taking a step towards me.

“
Don't.” I spit, taking a step backwards. “Don't try to make this better. You can't make this better. She's dying Bentley. She's dying and she didn't even tell me.” I choke out the last part, emotion thick in my voice.

“
She was trying to protect you.” He says, holding his hands out in front of himself.

“
Protect me?” I look at him for a long moment, contemplating the meaning behind the statement. Because how do you really protect someone from this? “How could she not tell me? She's dying. There is nothing to protect me from. She should have told me. Given me more time with her. Instead she kept it from me. I've been so lost in my own world that I didn't even see it for myself.”

“
You can't blame yourself for this.” He starts, taking a step towards me but then stopping the moment he registers my face.

“
Yes I can.” I spit. “I should have been with her. Had I been there, had I spent more time with her, I would have seen this coming. I would have known something was wrong. Instead, I was off with you. New York. Seattle. I let you sweep me into a world that I don't belong in and now I am losing the only family I have left and because of you, I missed out on her last few months.” I bite, knowing as soon as the words leave my mouth how ridiculous they are.

I know this isn't his fault. He didn't make me do anything. He didn't keep me from visiting Patty. But taking the guilt I feel and turning it into anger towards him somehow makes the emotion a little easier to swallow.

“
Anna.” Bentley pleads, trying to reason with me. “Don't do this. Patty chose to keep this to herself. No matter what her reasoning, it was her decision. No one is to blame here.”

“
I need you to leave.” I say, taking another step towards the door.

“
What?” He hits me with a confused look and I also don't miss the hurt in his eyes either.

“
I need you to go. I need to be with Patty..... Alone.” I say, his face a blur through my tear filled eyes.

“
Anna.” He starts but then immediately stops when my voice comes out wild and uncontrolled.

“
Now Bentley. I need you to leave NOW!” I spin towards the door and take off down the hallway. I hear his voice come from behind me but I don't stop.

Pushing my way through a double set of doors, I keep moving, not sure where I am or where I will end up but just needing to keep moving. It isn't until I reach the end of a hallway with no where else to go that my emotions seem to catch up with me.

Pushing my back against the wall, I slide onto the floor and pull my knees to my chest. There is no one around. The lights are dim and the only sound is a distant buzzing from a nearby vending machine. Dropping my head down, I let out the sob that has been building since the moment the doctor said
brain tumor
.

I cry hard. So hard in fact that my ears are deaf to anything but the sound of my own sobs. My body is numb to anything but the trembling of my hands as I clench my knees. My eyes are blinded behind a sea of tears that seem to be on constant repeat.

“
Anna.” I hear his voice without having heard him approach. I don't look up but I can feel him slide down next to me, though he makes no attempt to touch me.

“
I can't lose her.” I manage to get out, though my voice is quivering and my words are broken. “She's all I have.”

“
She's not all you have Anna. Not anymore.” He says, his arm closing down around my shoulders as he pulls me to him. “I know how much she means to you. I know you're terrified, but imagine how she feels.”

“
I can't.” I shake my head. “I can't do this.”

“
You can do this. And you will. Because it's not about you. It's about Patty. And right now, she needs you more than ever. She needs you to be strong for her, for you. But you're not alone. I will be here. When you feel like you can't take anymore, I will be here to push you on. When you need to cry, I will be here to hold you. When you feel like you can't fight anymore, I will fight for you. You are everything to me Anna. My reason for living. And I will get you through this. I promise.” He says, pulling me into his lap.

Curling into him, I hold him tighter than I ever have. Fearful that if I let go, I will simply float away. Bentley is my anchor to this world. The one thing that holds me in place when everything else falls down around me.

After a few moments of silence, I finally manage to pull myself together enough to lift my face up to meet his gaze. Reaching up, he pushes my hair away from my face and gently kisses my forehead.

“
I want to go see her now.” I say, peeling myself out of Bentley's lap when he nods in agreement. Stepping up next to me, he entwines his fingers with mine and looks down at me. There is something there, something behind his eyes that I just can't quite seem to pinpoint but it's enough to center me a bit.

Taking a deep breath, I allow Bentley to slowly guide me back towards the main part of the hospital. Each step I take feels heavier than the one before it, but I manage to push forward with Bentley at my side.

I still don't know how I am going to face this. I don't know how I am going to say goodbye to the only family I have left. I don't know how I am going to say goodbye to the one woman who chose to be my mother when I had no one else. Losing her is somehow harder than losing my real mom. Maybe it's because despite that fact that she didn't give birth to me, she is my real mom and life without her is a life I simply cannot imagine.

Chapter

Eleven

“
Would you stop fussing over me already. I am alright.” Patty says, pushing my hands away as I try to fix the blanket draped over her.

“
It's freezing in here.” I insist, reaching for the blanket again.

“
I am still able to cover myself up if I feel like I need to. Now will you sit down already.” She swipes my hand away when I manage to pick up the corner of the blanket.

“
I'm sorry.” I say, taking a step backwards.

“
Don't be sorry dear. I know you are just trying to help. But I'm okay. Really.” She says, giving me a smile that looks a lot stronger than I'm sure she feels. “Now, if you want to help, why don't you run down to the gift shop and pick me up another crossword magazine?” She says, reaching for the one I bought her three days ago and dropping it on the bedside table next to me.

“
You finished it already?” I cock my head to the side, stunned that she would be able to get through five hundred crossword puzzles that quickly.

“
Well, what do you expect me to do? Holed up in this room all day, it's a wonder I still have hair.” She laughs, making light of the situation.

“
I could be here more.” I say, Patty shaking her head the moment the words leave my lips.

“
You have school. And that is exactly where you need to be.” She says, giving me a warm smile.

“
No, where I need to be is here with you.” I say, revisiting the same argument we have been having for the last week that she has been in here.

“
Anna.” She warns, her stern tone falling into place.

“
Fine.” I sigh, grabbing my purse out of the chair behind me. “I will be back in a few minutes. Anything else you need?”