Yorkshire (21 page)

“I know. But I see no alternative.”

There seemed to be little else to say. On that gloomy note, we retired.

Lizzie came into my room later and sat on the edge of the bed. “You’re determined to have him.”

“Yes.” I sat up and pulled the covers around me.

“You know what this will do? Not just to you, but to the rest of us?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. We’ll do our best to mitigate it, but some of it will get through, I know. You can face it out. And if we discover who cut the strap on the coach, that can be sorted out and the perpetrator brought to justice.”

“Yes.” She leaned forward and took my hand. “But what will you do, Rose? You can’t manage Strang. I’ve watched him. He knows his place in the world, and what he wants. He’ll drag you behind him, might even leave you after a while. Rose, I’m dreadfully afraid for you.”

I bit my lip. “I’m afraid for myself, but I can’t stop now. I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t give this a chance. I know what he is and has been, but I must trust him, not all the stories about him.” I met her worried gaze. “I have to, Lizzie.”

“Oh, Rose.” I felt her hand, warm in mine and saw the anxiety she was feeling.

“I know this will resurrect all the old scandals associated with him and his brother. It may mark us as
personae non grata
forever. But we’ll go away and live quietly somewhere.”

“Run away.” Lizzie grimaced.

“No, Lizzie, go away. Give you and the others a chance to be accepted into society before we return, to drag scandals behind us. You can refuse us—turn your backs if you want to, if it saves you from the mire.”

She shook her head. “You know we’ll never do that. We love you, Rose. We’ll never forget that, whatever trouble you find yourself in.”

“Thanks for that. I love you, too.”

“It seems you love someone else now.”

After she had gone, I sat for a long while, thinking, before I finally went to sleep.

Chapter Fourteen

Richard’s statement made me act the next day. There was a strong possibility he would leave and never come back. His father was a formidable opponent, by all accounts. Perhaps Richard could stand firm against him, but there was no guarantee of it. His family might persuade him to take the sensible course. If he did, the next time I saw him, he’d be a married man. It had to be now, I was sure of it. Thinking of my plans mind knotted my stomach so badly I couldn’t eat, but I determined on my course and I would know him, if only once. I had spent my life thinking about the right thing to do, but this time I wanted something for myself alone.

I’d avoided Richard’s company in private while I thought things through, but after I’d made my preparations, I sought him out. I found him in the small drawing room shortly after breakfast, reading. As I entered, he cast his book aside and stood to greet me. Since we were alone, he gave me a kiss, but then released me. Someone might come in the room at any moment.

“Will you walk with me?” I asked.

“With pleasure, my delight.” I laid my hand on his proffered arm and we walked through the State Rooms, looking at all the improvements that had taken place there in so short a time.

The servants were still hard at work there, supervised by Lizzie, busily and noisily industrious. I’d asked her to take over for me and she’d reluctantly agreed. I said there were things I wanted to discuss with Richard before he left. “But don’t be too long, and don’t go out of my sight,” she told me. I docilely agreed, then went my own way. The smell of beeswax pervaded the rooms, together with the sharper smell of ammonia, used to clean the porcelain, the windows and the mirrors. It was much more pleasant, but it reminded me of my home in Devonshire. After this visit, nothing would ever be the same again.

Richard opened a door for me and we passed through into the old house. Here it remained the same as it had been for the last ten years—gloomy, damp, filthy and cold. He looked around, frowning. “Shall we go back?”

I shook my head. “There’s something I’d like to show you first.” I took him through the wrecked rooms, upstairs, and into the old nursery.

He saw the pathos at once. “All these things just abandoned.” He stopped short when he saw the old baby house. “Wait—” He examined the house, and the shattered remains of the contents strewn before it. “This house was purposely tipped over.” Upon further investigation, it seemed the other toys had been purposely hurled around the room, deliberately destroyed.

I hadn’t noticed that before. “Someone very disturbed has been here. We can’t know who it was, but from the age of the things it must have been one of the last two Lord Haretons. Or both of them.”

He stood amongst the shattered, damp ruin. “It’s grotesque. I’m not sure I want to stay here any longer. Is this what you wished to show me?”

“Just one more room.” I opened the door to the nursemaid’s room and we went through.

In stark contrast to the nursery, here all was in order. The sparse furniture, chest of drawers, cupboard and made-up bed were clean and tidy. Richard surveyed the room. “Now who could have done this?”

“I did,” I said. “Yesterday.”

He was silent, his face serious. He stood apart from me, and waited, watching me.

“I wanted to give you something before you left,” I rushed what I wanted to say, too nervous to remember the speech I’d rehearsed. “Something you can remember me by, but all my dearest possessions are still in Devonshire. I have nothing worthy of you, nothing you would want.” I took a breath. Now or never. “Except, perhaps, one thing.” I waited for him, my gaze never leaving his face.

He stared at me for several minutes before understanding my meaning. Then shock registered on his face, eyes widened, holding a numbness I could interpret as horror, shock, repugnance or all three. He looked as though I’d shot him. “Oh, no.”

I couldn’t tell whether I disgusted or dismayed him and I felt the familiar sensation of deep embarrassment and the desire for the earth to swallow me up. By my reckless plan I had destroyed any hope of happiness. He’d think I was like all the other women who’d offered themselves to him for an afternoon’s amusement.

The possibility of this reaction frightened me very much, but I knew I had to try, for my own peace of mind. I needed to come to terms with the longing I felt every night since I’d fallen in love with him. I knew only this way to do it, and I didn’t know if it would help, or if it would make matters worse, but I couldn’t go on like this. If he went away and never returned, I’d always wonder, never move on with my life. I had to know for sure if this was real, or if he was playing with me. He said he wanted me, but how did I know if he didn’t say that to anyone? Deep down I felt the truth of what he told me, but I didn’t trust myself enough to believe it. And I wanted him. Just once, I wanted this for myself. If he left, I might never know what it was like to give myself to a man in love if I didn’t persuade him now.

Richard’s presence made me yearn for his touch, but I didn’t understand why. Not yet.

Richard strode quickly to the other door, which led to the hall outside and my heart sank. He was rejecting me. He paused, and turned around to face me with an abruptness that was so unlike his usual grace that I knew he was deeply troubled.

“What made you think I would consent? Did you think I had so little consideration for you, I could do such a thing to
you
?” Hurt and anger suffused his voice. “Did I give you any sign that I wanted this? Did I, Rose?”

How could he think that? After those first, passionate kisses in the stables he’d kept a rigid hold of his physical response to me. I shook my head. “The fault is all mine.” He might see me as a hoyden, someone unfit to be his wife. But for now, I would settle for mistress. It was an answer—of a sort.

“No. I should have remained more circumspect. I knew it.” His face twisted with hurt as he regarded me. “I have consorted with the more promiscuous woman for too long now. I no longer know how to behave with someone like you. You thought I wanted this, didn’t you? That’s why you’ve taken these steps.”

“No, no!” I tried to assure him from where I stood, as I didn’t have the courage to go any closer to him yet. I tried to explain. “It’s only—this is all I have to give you, and if you never return, or you come back married to—someone else, I can never offer it again.” I swallowed, but said it all. I might never have another chance. “I want you, Richard, in every way. Just this once.”

“And what if someone found us? What then?”

I was more sure of this part. I’d made my plans carefully. “Lizzie is supervising downstairs. Steven is in the chapel, the Misses Cartwright are in their rooms, resting. None of the servants come up here because they think it’s haunted. There’s no one to find us.”

I crossed the room to him, but I didn’t touch him, so nervous I could hardly breathe. “It’s such a little thing. My virginity means nothing to me, once you’re gone.” With this statement and my offer I was betraying everything I’d been brought up to believe and hold dear, but none of it mattered to me now. I’d have said anything to persuade him. I leaned forward and kissed him, and he didn’t resist or break away, but circled me with both arms, returning my kiss softly, but his lips trembled when they left mine. “What are you thinking of?” He gazed down at my tense face.

“You’ve done it before.”

“Many times. But never with a—an inexperienced woman. A virgin. You can’t know what this means, my love, you can’t allow this. Whatever you say, you know this is precious, that you’re expected to keep your maidenhead safe.”

But I wanted this. I wasn’t entirely unaware of the passionate urges felt by a man for a woman. I didn’t know I could feel so strongly, could betray all my better judgement so thoroughly. I knew if I didn’t persuade him to make love to me just once, even if it led to disgrace, something inside me would die, never to be rekindled. Rather than lose that, I would do this now.

“I’ve thought about little else since I met you. I want to know why I feel like this, what it’s all for, why I feel so tormented. I can stand anything if once, just once, I knew.”

“My precious love!” He kissed me. I think he meant it to be gentle, but I wouldn’t let him stop. After the first, tender caress, I pulled him closer, opened my mouth to him and he took possession, stroking his tongue against mine in the most intimate caress I had ever known—until now.

His kisses became increasingly deep and longing. I tried to make him see how much I needed this, since I couldn’t explain in words. His body hardened against mine, heated me to fever pitch and he held me tightly against him, so I felt all his body’s responses.

He had been celibate for some time now, according to his brother and his confession to me earlier in the week. This must have taken its toll on him, and I hoped this too would help to persuade him. He stopped once, drawing back to look at me, seriously. “Are you sure? Oh, my love, you must be sure, we can’t go back once we’ve done this.”

Triumph surged through me when I knew I’d won. “Yes, oh yes,”

They were the last coherent words I spoke for some time.

He kissed me again, harder, more passionately than I’d known him to do before, and I began to realise how much he’d held back before. His tongue took possession of my mouth, owned it. He unhooked the front of my gown with practiced fingers. I helped him out of his coat, not as expertly but with the same intent. Feverishly shedding clothes, we made our way to the little bed. We kissed, caressed, and exchanged murmured words of love as we went.

I pushed my hand up and felt his strong, muscled back beneath the fine lawn shirt. Impatiently, he pulled the garment up and drew it over his head. I thought he looked beautiful, but it was he who said, “Rose, Rose, you’re lovely,” when he stripped me out of my chemise and drew back to look at me. I felt no shame as his gaze heated me as much as his body had. “Dear God, I’ve never felt this about another woman. I didn’t know I could burn like this.”

I barely had time to pull the covers back before he lifted me off my feet and laid me down on the pure white sheets. He looked at me as I waited for him, and let me look at him. Strongly muscled but lithe, if I’d thought I knew what a nude male body looked like, I was wrong. Marble statues and small children held no resemblance to the aroused, strong body before me now.

I felt no shame, no reticence under his loving gaze. He lay down beside me and took me into his arms; the very place I longed to be.

Consumed by passion, hot with it, he couldn’t have stopped now if I’d asked him to. For the first time, I experienced the power a woman has over a man, and began to understand these mysteries.

I arched my throat for his kisses. This time he didn’t stop when he came to the base of my throat, he didn’t pull away as he had before in the coach house, but continued down, all the while murmuring endearments I could hardly hear. He kissed my nipples, roused them into unbearable centres of sensation. I wanted him to stop, I wanted him to carry on until I exploded, I wanted more. He seemed to sear my skin where he touched me with his hands and his mouth, as he made sure I was ready for him. No one had ever touched me in those places before. It was as though they had been asleep, waiting for his touch to awaken them. I gasped when I felt his fingers gently probe me, but I wasn’t afraid. I moved into his touch, pressing against him. He kissed me. “You’re so beautiful. I want you so much.” He lifted his body over me, kissing me again, passionate and loving. His legs rested inside mine, the rough hair abrading the sensitive skin of my inner thighs. I bent my knees, the better to accommodate him and his shaft met the opening to my body.