Year’s Best SF 15 (47 page)

She says, You always avoided the truth when it made other people uncomfortable.

I listen for something severe in her voice, but I don't hear it. I say, I'm telling everything the best my memory will allow.

I know. That's what I love about this visit. You know, she says, the subject changing with her tone of voice, I always wondered why you wouldn't change. I did want to try out a life as a man, and I always thought you didn't love me enough to be a woman.

You understand now? I ask. After all those men, after their insistence on their needs…the only time they cared about my arousal was when they wanted to boost their own self-confidence…after all that, I could never sleep with a man again. You probably would have been a great man, but I couldn't bear to sleep with another one, no matter how nice.

I said I understood. But now I wonder this. Did you stay with me because you loved me or because you wanted a secure life?

There's a giant difference between why I first sought your attentions and why I'm with you now.

It's an awkward moment, given the way our bodies are touching, given the years of abstinence in our last life together, so I return to the story.

When the newborns came, it was a rush. I now dreaded
the sight I had once longed for. Many of the newborns had not seen enough battle to afford a guesthouse, so Amanda Sam and I traded off with the apartment. There would be an occasional woman soldier who hired my services, but mostly I listened to men lament their lives after they'd relieved themselves of their burdens. I kept an eye out for Noriko, but now my plan was to spot her first so I could avoid her.

I started to hang out more with the nurse and the therapist, just to know people who had nothing to do with the Wake and Amanda Sam, though Haven is a small enough place that I'm sure they knew what I did. I'm sure when I got up from lunch, they probably said, He's not so bad. Everyone's got to make a living somehow.

Some nights, I decided just to do nothing, and I stayed in the Wake and drank. Sometimes Amanda Sam would rest her hand on my shoulder and I'd turn to her and she'd tell me it was time to go home. She'd make love to me, comfort me, and I'd pretend to be comforted. “I'll always take care of you,” she said. “I'm so glad we found each other.” And the next morning she'd take her twenty-percent cut. So I sat in the Wake and foresaw years and years of this, and sometimes in the Wake, but never on my walks, which were just for dreams, I would tally up how long it'd take to build up savings, how long it would take to get off Haven, and how much I'd need to start a new life when her hand fell on my shoulder. I turned and Noriko was looking at me.

“I've been told you've been asking about me,” she said.

Oh, no, she says. She doesn't recognize you. She died before she had another neuromap, and she doesn't know you.

I hear the sadness in her voice. For decades and decades I couldn't mention Noriko to her; now, after all these years apart, she sympathizes. How different life would have been if so much separation wasn't necessary to erase whatever had made us bitter.

I stood up to face her. I thought for a second she looked older, as if the job had worn away her friendliness, but then I recalled this look, the way she'd gotten when she'd given out instructions to her companions. There was no recogni
tion on her face, no joy at seeing me, just this military face accustomed to giving orders.

She said, “I thought you'd be gone by now. I made sure the cost of everything was covered.”

“I couldn't go.”

She stood and waited for me to say more.

“I didn't know what happened to you. I didn't know what happened to me.”

She looked around, took my hand, and led me to a table. She sat across from me and ordered herself a beer. She held the glass in both her hands, and I wanted her to hold my hand again. She said nothing for the longest time. I surveyed the entire place, the bar, the booths, to make sure Amanda Sam was nowhere to be seen.

Noriko said, “Here's what happened. We posted as comrades-in-arms. We were set to attack an orbital. They told us that ninety percent of our unit would die. You began to shake in your sleep. You talked about how when you died, once they'd grown you a new body, once you'd been reassigned, that we'd be apart. But the truth was you were scared to die. When it came time to suit up, you were trembling so much that the captain ordered you to your quarters. He didn't want you to put us at risk. I told you to pack up your gear and move out while I was away.

“The enemy was unprepared. We took the orbital with few casualties. When we got back, you'd hanged yourself.”

I felt myself shaking my head. I wasn't the me that would do that.

“I blamed myself for what happened,” she said. “Back on Haven, I was so involved in taking care of my own needs that I didn't recognize the warning signs. The one thing I forgot about youth, real youth, the first youth, is how passionate you are about life itself. How it sometimes has to be all or nothing.”

I didn't know what to say. I said something about there being no discharge papers.

“You forgot or ignored what you were told. In the military, your life is only to be lost for the cause. The military won't pay for a new life if you kill yourself. They promoted
me after that skirmish. I got a pay raise. I had enough money to cover your rebirth. I arranged for some loans to cover the cost of a berth back to your homeworld. I thought I'd made up for everything. I though I'd taken care of you.”

We sat there for a while and what more could we say? I wanted to know what warning signs she'd seen. I didn't want to know. And what other subject was there? We'd only been together for three or four days.

Noriko didn't ask about where I was living or what my plans were. She told me she'd recently been assigned to Haven in a supervisory capacity. There would be four units of newborns to organize, plus two units of newbies coming in. The big push was beginning.

She was talking about everything they had to do and how she had to get back to her duties when Amanda Sam walked in and said hello. Noriko looked up at her. There wasn't a trace of recognition on Noriko's face. “I'm sure I'll see you,” Noriko said to me and left without saying a word to Amanda Sam.

“I see that soldier girl is back,” Amanda Sam said.

“She didn't recognize you.”

Amanda Sam looked at me for a moment. I think she was tempted to explain why I was wrong, but she'd taught me the con. I'd already used it a few times, but because I was living such separate lives in my head, I hadn't figured the whole thing out, how everything had stretched back to day one of my new life. The con: you sit down with a newborn, and you talk about the last time you'd been together, the one that must have taken place after the neuromap was recorded.

I walked and walked that night. I told myself I wasn't a coward, I wasn't the kind of person who'd kill himself. Look at what I was living through now. I hadn't been tempted to kill myself in the past months with everything that had happened. And I reminded myself that Noriko had said we'd left Haven as comrades-in-arms. I thought of ways I could see her again, of things I could say to win her back.

But, of course, Haven was a military way station, even though it was run by civilians. Of course, people knew I'd been asking about her, and the local military intelligence
guy, whoever he was, must have told her. They'd know how I was making a living, and so Noriko would know.

I didn't see Noriko again. I avoided the hospital, and I avoided other taverns. I only conducted business out of the Wake, and she never returned. I stopped taking my walks. I'm sure she was on Haven until everyone involved with the big push had left. And by the time the newborns and the fresh recruits were gone, I had enough money to start a new life, to be reborn and not remember one bit of this. Instead, I worked for another year and had enough to fly to planets that people liked to talk about, to have some money to live for a little bit and try one unsuccessful business venture or another.

Amanda Sam cried when I told her I was leaving. “I made this possible for you,” she said. “I want you to remember that.” And my last night there, I let her make love to me the way she liked, and I was so moved by the way she felt that I had my first orgasm while I held her in my arms. This caused her to kiss me passionately. “Please don't leave. Please stay. You think I took advantage of you, but I really do love you.” Right then I thought she was begging her twenty-percent cut to stay. Now I think she either loved me or, at least, my company. I think of all the booths I sat in, waiting alone to attract some eager company. I think of those same booths at the end of a long evening when she sat beside me and took my hand in hers.

And the ship I boarded later stopped at some planet or other, and you boarded, and that's how I spent the rest of my lives.

She turns over in the bed and kisses me. I caress her face, and the way time has lined her skin feels wrong against my fingertips. My body betrays me. I say, Talk to me, and I hear her voice and she pulls me into her embrace and it's her I make love to.

The next morning she makes me my favorite breakfast and she packs my bag. I tell her I was more than willing to stay indefinitely. I have no special plans and I like being with her.

She says, These last few days, well last night, especially,
were perfect. When I first met you, you told me about Noriko, and I wanted to be with someone who could love so passionately. And I was jealous of her ever since because I couldn't inspire the same kind of love. Last night, you told me about Noriko, and I remembered everything about you I loved when our lives together weren't so difficult. Last night is the memory I want to have of you when I die.

I argue, but if I argue too fiercely, I'll destroy everything these few days have come to mean. I leave her house in the woods, take train after train, come to a port and board a ship for elsewhere. In the decades we were apart—me in a fresh new body, she finding out what happens when the body finally ages—I always thought about her. During those years, I knew that one day, when I had the money for the voyage, I would track her down and see her at least one last time.

I leave her now, but I can't imagine another life.

Mary Robinette Kowal
(www.maryrobinettekowal.com)
is a writer and puppeteer who lives in Portland, Oregon, with her husband Rob. She is currently serving her second term as Secretary of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. She is the 2008 winner of the John W. Campbell Award for Best New Writer. In an interview she says, “I'm a storyteller. I love world-creation in all its forms…When talking about puppetry, I've often paraphrased Orson Scott Card—puppetry is the theater of the possible. That's why I like speculative fiction; I like playing in the world of ‘what if.'” Her website described her puppetry career thus: “She has performed for LazyTown (CBS), the Center for Puppetry Arts, Jim Henson Pictures, and founded Other Hand Productions. Her design work has garnered two UNIMA-USA Citations of Excellence, the highest award an American puppeteer can achieve.” Tor is publishing her debut novel,
Shades of Milk and Honey,
in 2010.

“The Consciousness Problem” was published in
Asimov's.
It is about brain damage from bad and illegal science done in the third world in the not too distant future. And it is a romance, of an original SF kind. The author says, “I had a nightmare involving a clone of my husband committing suicide, and though it has a very limited relationship to the story now, it made me wonder why a clone would do that.”

T
he afternoon sun angled across the scarred wood counter despite the bamboo shade Elise had lowered. She grimaced and picked up the steel chef's knife, trying to keep the reflection in the blade angled away so it wouldn't trigger a hallucination.

In one of the
Better Homes and Gardens
her mother had sent her from the States, Elise had seen an advertisement for carbon fiber knives. They were a beautiful matte black, without reflections. She had been trying to remember to ask Myung about ordering a set for the last week, but he was never home while she was thinking about it.

There was a time before the car accident, when she was still smart.

Shaking her head to rid herself of that thought, Elise put a carrot on the sil-plat cutting board. She was still smart, today was just a bad day was all. It would be better when Myung came home.

“You should make a note.” Elise grimaced and looked to see if anyone had heard her talking to herself.

But of course, no one was home. In the tiny space of inattention, the knife nicked one of her knuckles. The sudden pain brought her attention back to the cutting board. Stupid. Stupid.

Setting the knife down, she reached for the faucet before stopping herself. “No, no Elise.” She switched the filtration system over to potable water before she rinsed her finger under the faucet. The uncertainty about the drinking water
was a relatively minor tradeoff for the benefits of South Korea's lack of regulations. They'd been here for close to three years, working on the TruClone project but she still forgot sometimes.

She went into the tiled bathroom for some NuSkin, hoping it would mask the nick so Myung wouldn't worry. A shadow in the corner of the mirror moved. Who had let a cat inside? Elise turned to shoo it out, but there was nothing there.

She stepped into the hall. Dust motes danced in the afternoon light, twirling and spinning in the beam that snuck past the buildings in Seoul's to gild the simple white walls. There was something she was going to write a note about. What was it?

“Elise?” Myung came around the corner, still loosening his tie. His dark hair had fallen over his forehead, just brushing his brow. A bead of sweat trickled down to his jawline. He tilted his head, studying her. “Honey, what are you doing?”

She shivered as if all the missing time swept over her in a rush. Past the skyscrapers that surrounded their building, the scraps of sky had turned to a periwinkle twilight. “I was just…” What had she been doing? “Taking a potty break.” She smiled and rose on her toes to kiss him, breathing in the salty tang of his skin.

In the six months since she'd stopped going into the office at TruClone, he had put on a little weight. He'd always had a sweet tooth and tended to graze on dark chocolate when she wasn't around, but Elise was learning to find the tiny pot belly cute. She wrapped her arms around him and let him pull her close. In his embrace, all the pieces fit together the way they should; he defined the universe.

“How was work?”

Myung kissed her on the forehead. “The board declared the human trial 100 percent effective.”

Adrenaline pushed her breath faster and made the backs of her knees sweat. “Are you…?”

“Elise. Do you think they'd let me out of the lab if I weren't the original?”

“No.” She shook her head. “No, of course not.”

She should have been there, should have heard the success declared. The technology to print complete physical copies of people had been around for years, but they'd started TruClone to solve the consciousness problem. Elise had built the engine that transferred minds to bodies, so she should have gone into the office today, of all days.

She had forgotten. Again.

“I want to hear all about it.” She tugged his hand, pretending with a smile to be excited for him. “Come into the kitchen while I finish dinner.”

 

Outside, the first sounds of the market at the end of their block began. Calls for fresh fish and greens blended on the breeze and crept in through the open window of their bedroom, tickling her with sound. Curled around Myung, with one leg thrown over his thigh, Elise traced his body with her hand. The mole at the base of his ribs bumped under her finger, defining the territory. She continued the exploration and he stirred as her fingers found the thin line of hair leading down from his navel.

“Morning.” Sleep made his voice grumble in his chest, almost purring.

Elise nuzzled his neck, gently nipping his tender skin between her teeth.

His alarm went off, with the sound of a stream and chirping birds. Myung groaned and rolled away from her, slapping the control to silence the birds.

She clung to him. Not that it would do any good. Myung loved being in the office.

He kissed her on the forehead. “Come on, get up with me. I'll make you waffles.”

“Ooh. Waffles.” Elise let go of him, smacking his rump gently. “Go on man, cook. Woman hungry.”

He laughed and pulled her out of bed with him. She followed him to the kitchen and perched on one of the wicker stools by the counter as he cooked. It almost felt like a weekend back when they were courting at MIT. But the mood broke when Myung laid a pill next to her plate. Her stomach
tightened at the sight of the drug. She didn't want the distancing the medication brought on. “I feel fine today.”

Myung poured more batter on the waffle iron and cleared his throat. “Maybe you'd like to come in to work?”

The room closed in around her. Elise lowered her eyes to escape the encroaching walls. “I can't.” She hadn't gone in since she'd come home from the hospital. Every day she thought that tomorrow the effects of the concussion would have faded. That the next day she would be back to normal. And some days she was. Almost.

Myung put his hand on hers. “Then take your medication.”

She had walked away from the car accident, but it had scrambled her brain like eggs in a blender. Head-trauma induced psychosis. On good days, she knew it was happening.

Elise picked up the pill, hating it. “You're going to be late.”

He looked over his shoulder at the clock and shrugged. “I thought I'd take today off.”

“You? Take a day off?”

“Why not? My clone.” He paused, relishing the word. “My
clone
has offered to do my reports today.”

“Is that—isn't that a little premature?” As she said it, she realized that she didn't know how much time had passed since the board had declared success. It felt like yesterday but it had been longer. Hadn't it?

“He's bored, which is not surprising since I would be, too.”

If she went to the office, maybe she could see the clone. See the thing they had labored toward. Cloned rats and dogs and monkeys weren't the same as a man. Not just any man, but a clone of her husband. She swallowed against a sudden queasiness. “Who's overseeing him?”

“Kathleen. Sort of. I'll have to look over his report later but we've agreed to let him function as if he were me, to see how he does.”

Which made sense. The ultimate goal was to make full clones of high-level people who needed to be in more than one place at once. “Am I a clone, Myung?”

“No, honey.” He squeezed her hand, grounding her again. “You're not.”

The thing that nagged at her was that she could not tell whether she didn't believe him because he was lying or because the accident had left her with delusions to accompany the hallucinations.

 

Elise wiped the kitchen table, gliding the sponge across the teak in perfect parallel lines. The phone rang. Startled, she jumped and lost the pattern on the table. Putting her hand over her mouth to slow her breathing, Elise glanced at the clock to see how much time she had lost to cleaning. It was only 2:30. That wasn't as bad as it could have been.

The phone rang again.

She picked it up, trying to remember who had called her last. “Hello?”

“Hi honey. I need to ask you to do something for me.” Myung sounded tense and a little breathless, as if the phone frightened him as much as it had her.

“What?” She slid a pad of paper across the counter so she could take notes. Clearly, today was not a good day and she didn't want to make that obvious to Myung.

“Would you come to the lab?”

“I…” A reflection in the window caught her eye, flashing like an SOS. “Today isn't a good day.”

“The clone misses you.”

His words stretched out as if they could fill the ten miles between the lab and the house and then everything snapped. “Misses me? It's never met me.”

“
He
has all of my memories and personality. From his point of view, he hasn't seen you in months.” There was a tension in his voice, his words a little rushed and tight. “Please. It's affecting his ability to concentrate. It's depressing him.”

“No.” A reflection twitched in the corner of her eye becoming a spider until she looked at it. “I can't.”

Myung hummed under his breath, which he always did when he was conflicted about something. She hadn't pointed it out to him because it was an easy way to tell when he didn't want to do something. He exhaled in a rush. “All right. How's everything at home?”

“Fine.” She doodled on the pad. There had been some
thing that she'd thought about telling him. “Oh. There are some carbon matte knives I want to get.”

“Really? What's wrong with the ones we have?”

Elise hesitated. “These look nice. All black.”

“Ah.” She could almost hear his mind click the pieces together. “No reflections. I didn't realize that was still bothering you. I'll order them.”

“Thank you.”

“Sure I can't get you to reconsider?” He laughed a little. “I miss having you around the office as much as he does.”

“Not now.”

Elise hung up. Back to the office? Her stomach heaved and she barely made it to the sink before vomiting. Gasping, she clung to the stainless steel as the anxiety flung itself out of her. The back of her throat and her nose burned. If she went in, people would know,
know
that she was wrong inside.

 

In the dark of the bedroom, Elise counted Myung's heartbeats as she lay with her head on his chest. “I'm sorry.”

He stroked her hair. “Why?”

She lifted her head, skin sticky from sweat. “That I won't come to the office.”

“It's all right. I understand.”

At night, the idea seemed less frightening. She could tell herself as many times as she could count that the office was not dangerous, that nothing bad had ever happened to her there, but her body did not believe. “What's he like?”

“Who?” He lifted his head to look at her.

“Your clone.”

Myung chuckled. “Just like me. Charming, handsome, devilishly intelligent.”

“A troublemaker?”

“Only a little.” He kissed her hand. “You'd like him.”

“If I didn't, we'd have problems.” Elise rolled onto her back, looking for answers on the ceiling. “You want to use me as a trial don't you?”

“What? No. Don't be silly.”

“Please, Myung. My brain isn't that scrambled.” She poked him in the soft part of his belly.

“Hey!”

“It's the logical next step, if these clones are going to do what we told our investors they would. You need to see if a loved one can tell the difference. You need to dress identically with your clone and let me talk to both of you.”

Myung hummed under his breath.

“You could bring him here.” Elise kissed his shoulder.

He stopped humming. “Not yet. Too many variables. It has to be at the lab first.”

“I'll think about it.” Her pulse raced, just saying the words. But the queasiness was manageable.

 

The knives arrived in the afternoon. Elise pulled them out of their shrink wrap and set them on the counter, forming three matte black voids on the wood. No reflections marred their surfaces. She ran a finger along one edge of the paring knife. Like a thread, a line of crimson opened on her finger. It didn't even hurt.

Elise held the cut close to her face, trying to see what would crawl out of her skin. The blood trickled slowly down her finger, exploring the contours. Without the reflections, her brain needed some other way to talk to her. She could help it if she opened the gap more.

“No. Myung wouldn't like that.” Elise clenched her fist so the blood was hidden. “Put NuSkin on it, Elise.”

Yes. That was the right thing. As she put the liquid skin in place, it occurred to her that if she printed herself a new body it would come with nothing inside. “But we solved the consciousness problem. It would come with me inside. With me.”

She weighed the chef's knife in her hand and dropped it. The kitchen counter had all the vegetables from the refrigerator set out in neat rows. She had chopped a bell pepper without any memory of returning to the kitchen. Elise cursed. Hands splayed on the counter, she lowered her head in frustration.

The front door opened. “Honey, I'm home!”

Elise picked up the knife, then set it down and scooped the closest vegetables into her arms. Before Myung entered
the kitchen, she managed to get them into the vegetable drawer in the fridge.

She let the door close and turned, smiling brightly. “Let me get your martini, dear.”

Laughing, Myung caught her around the waist and kissed her. “How was your day?”

Elise shrugged. “Mixed. The usual. Yours?”

“Also mixed. My clone is…well, let's say I'm learning how stubborn I can be.”

She winced. “I could have told you that.”

“Not.” He kissed her nose. “Helpful.”

She stuck her tongue out. Moments like this beckoned her to fall into them with their allure of normalcy. “Thank you for the knives.”