Year One (22 page)

“You can cut my portions back until it evens out.”

“Mine, too.”

“No.” Eric leaned over to kiss Allegra's hair. “I took the food, I turned up the heat.”

“I said I was cold. I…” She heaved out a breath. “I whined about it.”

“I turned it up.”

“Let's put it away.” Lana heard the cool briskness in her voice,
but couldn't warm it. They'd behaved like selfish children sneaking cookies from a jar.

As the tone hit home, Eric hunched his shoulders. “I get it'll take more than words, but it's what I've got to start. Where's Shaun? I want to apologize to him, too.”

“He's upstairs.” Rather than look up, Kim kept shifting her tiles on the holder. “He was feeling pretty low. He took the dog and went upstairs.”

“Okay, I'll wait till he's ready. Ah, Max and Eddie?”

“They went for supplies, and to try to bring up propane.” There it was again, Lana thought. That tone. Annoyed parent to idiot child.

In a show of self-disgust, Eric rubbed his hands over his face. “Damn it. I should've gone with them, I should've helped out. Add that to the list of screwups. You're worried. I can see it. I can hike down, make sure they're okay.”

“Eric, it's miles,” Allegra began.

“Only a little more than five,” Poe said easily. “According to Shaun.”

“I'll hike down. Maybe they need a hand.”

“No. They haven't been gone that long.” Lana added a glug of wine to the stockpot. “We'll think about that if they're not back in another hour.”

“Give me something,” Eric insisted. “Actions speak louder.”

“You're on bringing in firewood today,” Lana reminded him, “and feeding the fires.”

“Right. I'm on it. And I'll take kitchen cleanup tonight, whoever's turn it is.”

He went back into the mudroom. Allegra bit her lip, then moved over to Lana as the outside door opened and closed.

“Honestly, Eric feels terrible. We both do.”

“You should. If Max and Eddie don't find supplies, I have to cut portions, and even then we only have enough for a week at most.”

“I wish we could take it back. We can't. Can I help you?”

“No. Thanks,” she added.

“Is there anything…”

Lana turned from the stove, looked Allegra in the eyes. “You can go up, bring down whatever you and Eric stashed in your bedroom.”

“Of course.” Visibly drooping, she went out.

“I know I was harsh, but—”

“I'd have been harsher,” Kim interrupted. “I know we're all finding ways to get through. You cook, Poe pumps iron. I kick Poe's sorry ass at Scrabble.”

“Hey.”

“I should've said hot and toned ass. Eddie's got Joe, Max plans and figures.”

“Plans and figures?” Lana repeated.

“What to do, when and how to do it. What's next, what's needed. It's why he's in charge. It's why we're glad he is. Shaun—I know he screwed up—but he's messed up about his parents and doesn't want to show it. He's scared, and doesn't want to show it. He reads, he does puzzles, and he joneses because he can't play vid games. If he could…”

“What?”

“I know it's not essential or practical, but it's therapeutic.” Kim smiled a little. “Like Scrabble. If Shaun could have an hour a day to fire up his Xbox, we could cut corners on fuel somewhere else. If you could ask Max—”

To cut Kim off, Lana held up a hand. It couldn't, shouldn't be all sacrifice, she thought. There had to be living, too.

“We don't have to ask Max on everything. But I will tell him I think it's a really good use.”

“Great. Good. I'm going to finish by saying we all find our ways, but Eric and Allegra are acting—most of the time—like this is some party and they're a little bored with it, and us. So they get a little drunk, have a lot of sex, shrug off their assignments, have more sex.”

“Have they been?”

“Having sex?” Poe put in. Snorted. “Rabbits are awed.”

“No, shrugging off assignments.”

“Look, we're not tattlers,” Kim began.

“Speak for yourself.” Poe jabbed a finger at Kim. “Yeah, most of the time. One of us gets it done because it's not worth the trouble.”

“Party's over,” Lana announced. “Everybody pulls weight, everybody follows the rules. And don't make me feel like the damn den mother.”

Allegra walked back in, eyes damp, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She set opened bags of chips, cookies, some sodas, a bottle of wine on the counter.

“You can check our room. I swear this is all, but you can check.”

Lana said nothing, simply started to add the items to the inventory.

“I know it was stupid and selfish. It was childish. I'm sorry. I'm scared. I know I complain about being bored. I don't know how I can be bored and scared at the same time, but I am.”

“We're all scared.” The shrug in Kim's voice didn't offer much sympathy. “You get rid of boredom by doing something.”

“It's easier for you— It is! You're all stronger or smarter or just more capable. I'm trying. I swear, I'm trying. But it's more, okay?”

She pressed her fingers to her eyes, swiped away the dampness. “I think I'm probably in love with Eric, but he scares me, too. He scares himself. What's happening to him, it's so much. It's so much, and it's so scary. Can't you understand?”

Lana thought of the moment on the bridge in New York, that slap of power, and softened a little. “I can. Max and I can help Eric.”

“I know.” Allegra turned to Lana, looked at her as if Lana held all the answers. “Eric knows. He's … Okay, he gets a little jealous and resentful of Max, but he's trying. And honestly, I promise, I'm helping him, too. I can make him laugh, or think of something else, or just let him vent, right? It's just, sometimes it's so much to handle, you know? And I swear I'm doing everything I can to keep Eric, well, level. I know taking the food was wrong, but it distracted him. And it was fun. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it was fun and it distracted me, too. It's so much to deal with, it's all so big, and I've never had to deal with … Everything that's happened, being here, cut off this way, what's happening with Eric, and how I feel about it. All of it. I'm just scared, and I'm trying.”

She choked out a sob, covered her face with her hands. “Don't hate me. Maybe I'm just not a nice person, maybe I don't know how to do things like the rest of you, but I'm trying.”

“Okay.” Lana moved to her. “All right. But we all try together. And nobody hates you.”

Sniffling, Allegra wrapped her arms around Lana, held tight.

“You piss me off.” This time Kim offered a physical shrug, but kept her voice light. “But I don't hate you. Much.”

On a watery laugh, Allegra drew away, breathed out. “Thanks, I really mean it. I'm just going to go up, pull myself together. Then I'll come down and do something, like Kim said. I'll do something.”

When Allegra left, Lana walked back behind the counter. “It's hard,” she said. “All of this is hard. I guess we need to give one another a break now and then.”

“Sorry counts,” Poe added. “And I guess I didn't really think about what it must be like to have all that power and stuff going on. You'd know more about it.”

“It's a lot to handle. For those of us who do, and for those who don't.”

Eric raced in with an armload of wood. “I can hear them. I heard
them coming. It sounds like the truck. It sounds bigger than the car.”

“Thank God.” Grabbing a coat on the way, Lana ran outside.

*   *   *

Eddie drove the SUV, trying to pack the snow down further, to give Max and the truck better traction. They'd grabbed a couple of bags of sand from the gas place, laid them over the tailgate of the SUV so they spilled out sand—with Max's witchy-woo help—along the road.

But it was rough going.

He knew Max pushed it—with his Craft—and still the truck labored. As the incline steepened, he gritted his teeth as if pushing the truck himself, until sweat rolled down his temples, the back of his neck.

“Come on, Max, come on.”

As he topped the incline, he saw the house. Felt a new flare of hope as Lana ran out. He saw some of the others sprint out after her.

“We're going to do it.” Then in the rearview, he saw the truck slide a full yard back. “Fuck me!”

Lana threw out power, imagined it like a hook and chain, latching onto the truck, pulling it up the hill. Her heart hammered through a vicious tug-of-war, then she felt the chain snap tight and begin to pull.

“Help,” she snapped at Eric. “You can help.”

“Trying.” His face went white, his eyes dark. “It's so damn heavy.”

“Try harder. Pull!”

Another foot, then another, then she felt, finally felt, Max's power mate with hers. She focused all she had on the baby-blue truck with the big white barrel, with the man she loved inside.

“He's going to make it! He's nearly at the pull off.” Poe ran, slipping and sliding along the path they'd dug in the snow.

“Don't let go yet,” Lana told Eric. “Don't let him go.”

“We've got him.” Eric clamped a hand on her shoulder. “Look, look, he's at the pull off, he's at the generator.”

When she saw Max was safe, she let go and ran.

Eric glanced back toward the house, saw Allegra, blew her a kiss. He spotted Shaun in his bedroom window, waved enthusiastically.

When she got to the pull off, Lana leaped into Max's arms. “You did it!”

“Touch and go.” Breath labored from the effort, he rested his brow on hers. “Your touch turned the key.”

“Man, getting that big bitch up here took some doing.” Poe punched Max's shoulder, faked one at Eddie's. Then his jaw dropped when he saw the supplies loaded in the back of the SUV.

“What? You hit Sam's Club?”

“Grocery store.”

“They had all that?”

“It's a story,” Eddie told him. He wiped at his sweaty face. “Now we have to figure out how to get the gas out of the truck into the generator.”

“Max will figure it out.” Eric gave his brother an apologetic smile. “He got it here. Sorry, bro. Way, way sorry.”

“We'll talk about it.” But he laid a hand on Eric's shoulder, shook it. “And, yeah, we'll figure out how to fuel up the generator.”

“I know how.” Shaun lost his balance on the shoveled path, went down on his ass. His glasses bumped down his nose.

Poe stepped to him, took his arm, helped him up.

“A nerd's nerd.”

His ass wet, Shaun still managed a smile. “Yeah. I used to hang out when the gas guy came up to top it off. I like seeing how things work.”

“Show us how it's done, my man.” Eddie stepped back as Joe sniffed manically at his boots and pants. “I'm going to get the supplies up to the house. Lana, why don't you ride with me? You can take a look.”

She caught his exaggerated eye roll, gave Max a last squeeze, then climbed in.

“You hit the mother lode of supply stops.”

“Yeah, we did. They had a drugstore, too. I slipped what you wanted in my backpack. Otherwise, Max would've wondered what the what.”

“Thanks, Eddie.”

“I'm just gonna say good luck, 'cause I don't know which way you want it to go. Front outside pocket.”

“I'm going to take your pack upstairs with me. We have to unload first. I have to do inventory. We have to keep an account, then I'll go up.”

“Go up now while most everybody's down below. It doesn't take long, right? There was this girl once, and she thought maybe. Wasn't, so whew, but I remember it doesn't take long. I'll say you went up to get some socks since you ran out in your shoes and they're all wet.”

“Good. That's good.” She slung his backpack over her shoulder, climbed out to go to the back and take a load in.

“I'd taken off my boots.” Allegra grabbed a cardboard box. “I had to get them back on or I'd've been out sooner.”

“That's too heavy. Take one of those bags instead. You, too, Lana,” Eddie instructed. “And get out of those wet shoes, get something warm on your feet. We don't want anybody getting sick.”

“You're right. Just start putting things in categories—canned food, dry goods, and so on. I'll be right back.”

She ran upstairs, closed the door. Rushed into the bathroom,
closed and locked the door. She already knew, but wanted—needed—verification.

She even knew when, she thought as she opened the kit, followed the instructions. That night she'd come home from work, they'd had wine. That night before everything had gone insane, when they'd made love, intense and wonderful. And then, as the glow spread, that flash, that wild, wonderful explosion inside her.

Life, she thought now. Light.

Promise and potential.

She set the stick on the dresser, pulled off her wet shoes, socks, her jeans wet to the knees.

Then gasped when the stick shimmered, sparkled.

She reached for it, lifted it, saw the bright flash of the plus sign.

What did she feel? Fear, yes, fear—so much death, so much violence, so much unknown. Doubt, too. Was she strong enough, capable enough? Shock, even though she'd known.

And over it all, under it all, woven through it all, what did she feel?

Joy. This, after all the misery, this was joy.

With a sign sparkling in one hand, she pressed the other against her belly, against what she and the man she loved had begun inside her.

And felt such joy.

 

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

She also saw joy when she told Max.

She waited. Organizing and inventorying supplies topped the priority list. And to keep on top of supplies, she needed to finish dinner prep. Since she had what she needed, she took the opportunity to walk Poe—the most interested—through the basic steps of bread making.

Throughout it all, Lana hugged the knowledge close.

She didn't tell Eddie outright, but when he caught her eye with a question in his, she smiled and tapped a hand to her belly. And got a big, goofy grin in return.

A good day, she thought as Poe slid the loaves into the oven. A special day.

While Lana celebrated the news inside her, Max sat with Eric in front of the living room fire. They split one of the beers Eddie had scavenged from the liquor store.

“I'm going to find a way to make it up to everyone. I feel like shit. I know that's not enough, so I'll make it up to everybody.”

While the anger of the morning faded, disappointment remained. Still, when Max studied his brother, he saw embarrassment as much as guilt.

And reminded himself that Eric was young, and had been pampered by their parents as a surprise, somewhat-late-in-their-lives baby.

“I hope you do, but the more important issue is the power that's growing, how you handle it, what you do with it. It's new, and it's exhilarating.”

“Yeah. It's just … Man, it's wild. Maybe I used to be a little jealous that you had something, and I didn't. Now that I do, I got carried away. I know that.”

“It's not surprising, really. Plus, you've never studied the Craft, its tenets, been a part of a group or coven.”

“I didn't have anything before.”

“Didn't know you did,” Max corrected. “It must have always been inside you. I need you to understand, Eric.” He leaned in now, determined to impress the vitality, the importance. “Excitement, that exhilaration's natural, especially since your power manifested so quickly. But having this gift requires bedrock respect and responsibility. And practice. The witches' mantra, ‘An it harm none' is more than a philosophy. It's the foundation for all.”

“I get that.” Eagerness layered over the shame. “I get it, Max, absolutely.”

With the worst of his doubts eased, Max nodded. “It's new for you. I get that. You need guidance, and Lana and I are here for you. None of us can know how far our powers will go, and we have to make certain, absolutely, that we control them. They don't control us.”

“It's a rush. I mean, you've got to admit.” Eric gestured toward the fireplace, making the flames leap. “I mean, wow.”

“It's a rush,” Max agreed, “but if you don't study, practice, and control, fire might get beyond you. Burn down a building, burn people.”

“Jesus, now I'm an arsonist.” Eric rolled his eyes, gulped down some beer. “Give me some credit.”

“You don't have to intend to do harm to cause it. What I had before this was small, and wondrous. What's grown since, there's your rush. But I've had years to build that foundation, to study and practice. And, still, there's so much more to know, to learn. Why with so much dark has so much light bloomed? Or is that the reason itself?”

“We're filling the vacuum.” Now Eric leaned forward, eagerness flushed in his face. “I've given this a lot of thought. Hell, not a whole lot to do around here, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. People like us are coming into our own because the virus took out the noise, the mind-sets against, the numbers.”

“Those numbers were people. I can't believe, and won't, that what's a celebration of light, of love, of life, blossomed out of death and suffering.”

“It's a theory.” Eric shrugged. “We didn't cause the virus. The harm, the death. Think of it like power punched through.”

“I've given it some thought myself,” Max said dryly. “I think of it as a kind of balancing. We've been given more, or what we had already has surfaced so we can balance out the dark and the death. Help rebuild, help restructure a world with more light. More kindness, more tolerance.”

“Pretty much the same thing.”

“With practice and study, I think you'll see the difference.”

As he slumped back, Eric's eyes went sulky. “So, what, I'm going to school, with you as the teacher?”

“Consider it a way to start making it up to everyone.”

Eric had to smile, even toasted Max with his beer. “Boxed me right in on that one. Okay, okay. When do we start?”

“We already have.”

With a nod, Eric studied his beer. “I haven't brought it up because I … But do you think Mom and Dad are alive?”

“I hope they are. I hope they're safe and well.”

“They might be like us. They could be.”

“They could.” He'd never seen the smallest sign in either of them. Then again, he hadn't in Eric, either. “One thing I know is you're my brother. You're my family, and we're together.”

“I was an asshole to you this morning.”

“That's done now. We start here.” Reaching over, Max laid a hand over Eric's.

“Okay.”

Lana waited until Max sat back. Hearing Eric ask about their parents helped tamp down some of her lingering resentment. Besides, he was her child's uncle. Blood kin.

“Anybody hungry?”

Eric rose quickly. “I can set the table.”

“Kim's already done it, but I'll take you up on the cleanup offer.”

“You got it. I'm really sorry, Lana.”

“I know. Why don't you tell Allegra dinner's ready? Eating together as a group, as a family, might soothe some bruised feelings.”

“You're right. We've got to be a team, pull together. I'll go get her.”

Max rose as Eric hurried out.

“You're still a little pissed at him, and I can't blame you.”

“Not as much as I was. I'll get over it, especially if he doesn't pull anything like this again.”

“We'll make sure he doesn't. He needs guidance, and he's willing to accept it.”

“Good. I have reason to know he couldn't have a better mentor than you.”

“He'll get annoyed and resentful, I'll get impatient. But…” Max crossed to her. “That's how we roll. You look happy.”

“I am happy.” Thrilled, she thought as she leaned into him, and a little terrified. “And I'll be happier if we can have a little time to ourselves after dinner.”

“I've missed time to ourselves. We could take a walk.”

“I was thinking more an evening alone, in our room.”

“Were you?” He kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her lips.

“Yes. Let's go upstairs after dinner, Max, shut the door. Shut out everything but us.”

“Then let's eat.” He drew her closer, let the next kiss linger. “Fast.”

The mood during dinner proved markedly different from the morning. If bygones weren't altogether bygones, they seemed well on their way. Maybe a good meal, Poe's pride in his fresh bread, and the bounty of supplies erased a lot of resentment. And Eric certainly made an effort.

He joked with Shaun until Shaun's gloomy face brightened, talked with Poe about splitting wood, challenged the group at large to a board game tournament.

“Dinner was great,” he told Lana. “Thanks. And kudos on the bread, Poe. I'm on cleanup. Kim ought to figure out the rules and terms for the tournament. She's the big brain.”

“That'll give Joe and me time to take our walk. Come on, dude.” Eddie patted his thigh as he rose. Joe rolled over, crawled out from under the table.

“Lana and I will take a pass on game night.” Max took her hand as he pushed back from the table. “I have a lesson plan to work out.”

“Oh, man!” But Eric said it with a laugh.

“It's good.” Lana glanced back as she and Max walked upstairs. “It feels like we've all turned a corner. Maybe we needed the blowup to clear the air, bring on some unity.”

“They're young.”

“And we're so old.”

He laughed. “Younger. They can use a night of dissing each other over games, trash talking and bragging.”

He drew her into the bedroom, and into his arms. “And we can use this,” he said, took her mouth.

“There are things I want to tell you.”

“We've got all night to talk. I've missed you, Lana.” He drew out the pins she'd used to bundle her hair up while cooking. “I've missed shutting the world out so it's just you and me.”

This first then, she thought. Yes, this first. The world shut away so all that remained was love.

He lit the fire; she lit the candles. And the glow of magick joined love.

From two feet away, she turned down the duvet with a sweep of her hand, making him laugh.

“A little something I've been working on.”

“So I see. Well, not to be outdone…” He lifted his hands, drew them down in the air. Her clothes slid off to pool at her feet.

Delighted, she looked down at herself. “This doesn't seem like the act of a serious and sober witch.”

“It's the act of a man who wants you. My lovely Lana. I haven't taken enough time to just look at you.”

“We'll take it now.” She opened her arms.

Yes, this, she thought. This time, with their hands on each other, their mouths meeting. She drew his sweater off to feel the shape of him—leaner than he had been, tauter. So much stress, she thought, so much work and worry.

She'd give him more than that tonight. So much more.

She thrilled at the way he swept her up, wrapped around her as they lay together on the cool sheets. He pressed her hand to his heart, then to his lips. She drew him down so their mouths met. Blessed, she thought, she was blessed to be so loved, to have such love inside her.

His hands, palms rougher than they'd been, roamed over her. He knew, he knew where she yearned to be touched, what glide and press would quicken her pulse. He knew where to taste to send the blood swimming under her skin.

Weak with love, she gave herself to him. Dizzy with lust, she shifted to rush kisses over his chest. His heart beat so strong, so vital. Hers galloped to match it.

She opened, took him in, held tight and close.

“This,” she whispered. “Just this for a moment.”

No movement, no urgency. Just held together, fitted into one. Just that moment of being with his eyes, that rich smoke, locked with hers.

Then she arched, lifted to him. Rose and fell with him, and let the moment, and the next, the next, the next, sweep them both away.

She thought of the night weeks ago, a world away, when they'd curled together like this, replete. When the light inside her had been struck.

With the fire simmering, the candles flickering, she combed her fingers through his hair. A little choppy, she thought with a smile, from her amateur attempt to trim it for him. She brushed her fingers over his cheek—rough with several days' worth of stubble.

So many changes, she thought, small and enormous for both of them.

And the most enormous she'd yet to tell him.

“Max.” She rolled to sit up, realized then that he wasn't just re
plete, but half asleep. The day, full of stress, effort, strain—personal, physical, magickal—wore hard.

She considered waiting until morning, then decided no, now, before she put the candles out. Now, while the act of their love still hummed in the air.

“Max,” she repeated. “I have something I need to tell you. It's important.”

“Mmm.”

“Very important.”

His eyes flashed open. He pushed up. “What's wrong? Something happened when I was gone today?”

“Nothing's wrong.” She took his hand, and with her eyes on his, pressed his hand to her belly. “Max. We're having a baby.”

“A—”

She saw it, all the layers. Confusion, shock, caution.

“Are you sure?”

Rather than speak, she got up, walked to the dresser, drew the pregnancy test out from where she'd hidden it. It sparkled in her hand. Then in his when she gave it to him.

“It's what we made together. You. Me.”

He looked up at her, and she saw what she'd most needed. She saw the joy.

“Lana.” He drew her to him, pressing his face between her breasts. Breathed her in, breathed in the miracle of the moment.

“A child. Our child. Are you all right? Have you been sick? Do you—”

“I feel stronger than I ever have. I'm carrying what we made together. Our love, our light, our magick. You're happy.”

“I don't have words,” he told her. “Words are my business, but I don't have the words for what I feel.” He laid a hand protectively over her belly. “Ours.”

“Ours,” she repeated, pressing her hand over his. “I want to keep it just ours for now. I don't want to tell the others. Well, Eddie knows. I didn't want to say anything to you until I was sure, so I asked him to get the test. But I don't want to tell anyone else.”

“Why? It's momentous. It's beautiful.”

“Ours,” she said again. “Like tonight. Just ours. And maybe part of it is simple superstition. I think they say not to tell people until the end of the first trimester. And that's about all I know about being pregnant. God.”

She sat beside him, immediately stood again. “And no alcohol. That's off the table. It might be why that glass of wine Allegra gave me smelled off. Anyway. God! It's not like I can just Google what to do and not to do, what to expect. I'm nervous about that part, about not knowing. And maybe I'm selfish and superstitious about not telling.”

“Then we won't tell anyone else until you're ready. And we'll find out … whatever we need to.”

“How?”

“We'll find a book. There has to be a library or a bookstore somewhere. In the meantime, we'll use common sense. Rest when you need to rest, good nutrition.”