Written in the Stars (3 page)

KKHH

June 5th

I’m starting to get worried because I’ve been at Erin’s house almost a week, and my mom has only called two times to say our nightly ritual and when my dad called today to tell me they have to stay a few more days, he wouldn’t let me talk to her because she was sleeping. On a happier note, Erin and I went to the movies tonight and we saw a movie about a real-life fairy tale coming true and by the end I found my way back to cloud nine (It dropped a few with my mom being sick) because I knew my fairy tale ending was that much closer to coming true.

June 10th

Finally!! My dad called today and said my mom is feeling a lot better so she can come home. I’m more than happy to hear that because not only do I miss my mom like crazy, but I really want to go home. Not that being at Erin’s house has been bad, it’s just that I can’t take her mom bursting into tears every time she looks at me anymore, and I feel horrible when she leaves the room whenever I come in. Erin said it’s because she’s having some kind of mid-life nervous breakdown so I shouldn’t take it personally, but there really is no other way of taking it.

June 11th

My dad will be here in a few minutes to pick me up, and I’m so excited to see my mom. I’m going to hug her as tight as I can and I may never let her go. Being away from her for almost two weeks is way more than I ever want to be apart from her again. I am a little worried though, because my dad didn’t sound like his normal self when he called. I’m sure it’s because he is really tired, but I’m still worried.

Still June 11th

When my dad picked me up he took me to the park near my house because he said he wanted to talk to me before I could see my mom, and I wish he never had. I’m really trying not to cry right now because I’m trying to stay strong for my mom, but as soon as my dad told me that the medicine didn’t work and my mom is still very sick, I couldn’t help crying. I did make myself stop before seeing her, but I started again when I saw that almost all her hair was gone, and she looked really skinny and pale. I really, really tried not to cry in front of her, but I couldn’t help it because for the first time I saw how sick she really is and that she might not ever get better. How can someone go from being healthy to that sick in just a few months? Please, God, if you can hear me, please, please, please don’t take my mom. I’ll be better, and help everyone you need me to. Please let me keep her because I can’t live without her.

August 30th

I’m really, really, upset right now because my parents had been lying to me for months about what was wrong with my mom. She doesn’t have the flu; she has cancer, and I’ve been spending all my time taking care of my mom the same way she has taken care of me my whole life. I was so excited when she finally woke up because I haven’t gotten to talk to her today, but before I could say anything, I was asked to leave the room because a lady from a place called “Hospice” showed up to make her feel better, or at least that’s what people are telling me. Everyone thinks I’m stupid, and that I don’t know why she’s really here. People talk about me like I can’t hear them and I hate it. I know what Hospice is because I googled it. She’s here to make my mom as comfortable as possible until she dies. I heard Erin’s mom tell my Aunt Jackie that this is a life lesson a young girl like me should never have to learn. I’m not sure what lesson I’m supposed to learn from this, but now I know that life isn’t a fairy tale, and dreams don’t come true and it is not worth loving anyone anymore because they just leave you. I know what I’m talking about because I’m about to lose the one person I love more than anything in this stupid world, but God, who created love, doesn’t seem to care. Lesson learned…

January 11th

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, or the reason I have to write why I hate the world as much as I do, because I think that should be obvious, but if it will make everyone stop suggesting that I go to therapy, then I’ll play along and write down everything I’m feeling.

On September 1st at 6:30 p.m., I sat by my mom’s side and somehow held myself together long enough to watch her die right in front of me. Every time I close my eyes, I can still see the fear in her eyes as she fought off death long enough to make sure I knew everything was going to be okay and that no matter what, she will always be with me. I can still hear the weakness in her voice as she struggled to tell me that she loved me to the moon and back right before mumbling every other word that I was her favorite everything about life, and I will always remember how it felt to hold her fragile hand in mine because she didn’t have the strength to bend her finger around my hand, but the worst part was watching the life in
her beautiful eyes fade away while she looked directly into mine.

That was the moment my heart was ripped out of my chest and my life ended. It was moment I lost the only person in the world I never dreamt I would have to live without, the most important person in my life and my best friend, and I don’t see why no one can understand that when my mom died, so did I, and there is nothing in this world that can take my pain away. I didn’t even get to hear her say, “One, two, three, sweet dreams,” before she died, but I did give her my last kiss right before I was dragged out of the room.

Reading back on what I wrote before made me realize what death can do to someone. Not only does it suck any and all happiness out of your life, but it makes a young girl grow up before her time. I’m not sure how long the pain that has found a permanent place in my heart is going to last, and I can’t promise any smiles in the near future, but I will promise that I’ll only cry when no one can hear me, and I’ll pretend life is good whenever any of you are looking just so I don’t have to hear you tell me how sorry you are for my loss, and I’ll even ignore all the whispers about how heartbreaking it is for you, knowing that I have to grow up without a mom. I promise to never love anyone with all my heart again, because the pain that comes with a broken heart is nothing compared to the pain of a shattered one. I would rather live my life in the darkness that has found me, than ever feel love again. But none of you will ever have to worry about any of that, because no one but me will ever know how completely lost I really feel, or just how broken I will always be. Unless any of you can give me back my mom, then there’s nothing you can do to make the pain go away. Not even having me write it down.

Sophie

A familiar knot of pain formed in my chest as I watched the remaining stars slowly fade into the horizon of the morning sky. I wrapped a blanket around me before walking to the edge of my balcony to watch the sun rise from behind the ocean’s wall. One of the many things I used to love to do with my mom before cancer took her from me six years ago.

It seems like it was only yesterday that I had to let her go, and every little detail of our last goodbye still haunts my dreams like a never-ending nightmare. Reminding me of a life I once loved, and the pain that still lingers
in what’s left of my heart is the same pain that everyone said time would eventually heal. I guess there are some wounds beyond repair, and some pain that nothing can heal, not even time.

I closed my eyes the moment I saw the sun stretch its rays out of the ocean and waited, hopeful that this would be the morning God heard my prayers. That today, He would let me hear her voice in the gentle rush of the wind that was softly brushing over me, or maybe have me open my eyes at the perfect moment so I could see her looking back at me from within the sunrise. Just maybe this will be the morning He gives her back to me, even if it is only for a second.

I waited until I felt the warmth of the sun on my face before re-opening my eyes, only to have them fill with tears.

“I miss you,” I whispered into the ocean’s breeze. 

I wiped the few tears that managed to escape my eyes before turning my attention back to the huge mess of a room that I had been desperately trying to avoid since my dad left to pilot a two-week long trip to Europe. It wasn’t long after my mom’s death that I realized I was a lot stronger than he was in the pain department. After a few weeks of crying himself to sleep, he started piloting only international flights to escape the pain that came with the dark and lonely nights.  To this day, he has no idea that I would sit outside his bedroom door and listen to him talk to my mom as if she were still lying next to him, and since he clearly couldn’t handle my pain and his at the same time, I kept to my promise and only cried when I knew no one could hear me. There are many things that I’ve had to perfect over the past six years to avoid mental institutions, like smiling convincingly so that everyone actually believes me when I tell them life is good.

Now if only I could perfect packing my room by the time my dad returns tomorrow, my life would be that much easier. I started packing the day after I graduated high school almost two weeks ago, but si
nce most of it belonged to my mom, I can’t seem to put anything in a box. Instead, I’ve been slowly sorting through everything, and so far I have one empty give away box, a very small box with a few books I plan on taking to Brown University this fall, and an even smaller pile of clothes that I will be eventually stuffing into whatever bag I can find to take with me when my best friend Erin and I leave for Italy in a few days.

Like a true gentleman, my dad kept to his promise and is sending us to spend the summer with my
Nonna in Italy. I used to love spending my summers in Italy before my mom died. To me, Italy was more than just the place where my mom was from; it was magical. It was a place where dreams would come true, and fairy tales were real.

My dad took me to see
Nonna a few months after my mom’s funeral. He thought that being around people who loved her as much as we did would take some of our pain away, but for me it just worsened. I never had the heart to tell him it did more bad than good since not only did I have to watch his heart fill with even more remorse, but I had to watch Nonna go through just as much pain as we did. It was devastating to watch her pretend like everything was okay when the whole family was around, the same way I had to. Especially when I knew all she wanted, like me, was to be left alone to grieve without being reminded of the daughter she no longer had.

I realize now that my mom was the magic that made Italy seem like a fairy tale and, without her, there are no magical memories to be made. In my worst nightmares, I never dreamed I would only have memories of her to hold onto, or I would have to make them without her.

I sat on the edge of my bed, and started scanning for the least disastrous part of my room to begin a very long day of shoving stuff into boxes, but there wasn’t one. All areas were equally in shambles.

“This is going to take a lot of coffee.” I sighed, and then headed downstairs.

Just as I stepped off the last stair, Erin came bursting through the front door with her arms filled with shopping bags. 

“Good morning,” she sang.

“Um, good morning?” My reply
was filled with shock. Nineteen years of being best friends, this was the first time I had ever known Erin to be up this early on her own free will.

“I can’t wait to show you all the clothes I bought without you yesterday.” I followed her to the kitchen.

“You woke up this early just to show me clothes?” I poured myself a cup of coffee.

“Yes, and I blame you for not being with me when I bought them.”

“I told you, I had still had a lot of packing to do.”

“So, then you’re done?”

“I’m closer to being done than I was yesterday.” I shot her a fake grin.

“Sophie, we’re leaving for Italy in two days. Why does it seem like I’m the only one excited about that?”

Because you are,
I thought as I broke away from her death glare and sipped on my coffee.

“It doesn’t matter because I’m not going let anything or anyone
, ruin this for me.” She grabbed her bags and walked out of the kitchen.

“Are you leaving already?”

“Nope, I’m going to put on a little fashion show for you.”

“This should be good,” I mumbled quietly.

I was surprised when she yelled at me to close my eyes only ten minutes later. Normally, it would take her hours just to put on her makeup, let alone get dressed.

“Are your eyes closed?” she asked me.

“Yes.”

“Good.” I heard the song “I’m Sexy and I Know It”
start playing. “Okay, you can open them now.”

I couldn’t help laughing when I saw her posing in the doorway right before she started her runway walk towards me. She paused halfway, and spun as if she were in a real fashion show. I’d be lying if I said I was surprised at the outfit she was wearing. Her jean shorts barely covered her butt, her t-shirt was extremely tight, and the fact that it read “Single” across the chest only made her black knee high boots and the black beret hat look somewhat normal.

One of the many things I love about Erin, she always knew how to make me smile when I didn’t feel like it.

“What do you think?” She spun around one more time. 

“I think you’re definitely going to get a lot of attention in that outfit.”

“You don’t think the short are too long?” She was kind enough to show me her butt one more time.

“Too long? No. Barely there. Yes.”

“Good,
that’s exactly what I wanted to hear.” She smiled and headed back to the bathroom to change.

I sat there for almost an hour, watching Erin model at least ten different outfits, which in some weird way all looked the same to me. Most likely it’s because I have absolutely no sense of fashion. My wardrobe consists of jeans, sweats, t-shirts, and running shoes. I think I may have one jean skirt with the tags still attached, but not for long. It was destined for the giveaway box.

“Be honest, what did you think?” she asked once she was done.

“I think you’re going to break a lot of hearts when we leave Italy.”

“Do you want to try someone?” she asked hopefully.

“Not even a little bit.”

“One day, Sophie Watters, I will turn you into the princess you’re meant to be,” she teased me.

“I stop believing in fairy tales a long time ago.”

“Fixable.” She grinned. “If I know you as well as I hate to admit, you still have a lot of packing to do, so I better go.” She gathered up all her bags. “I’ll be back at seven to pick you up for our going away party.”

“Do I have…”

“Yes, you have to go, so be ready,” she snapped.

“Fine.”

“Well, I’m off to do more shopping.” She hugged me. “Don’t forget, seven o’ clock.”

“We both know you won’t let me forget,” I teased her.

“True.” She smirked and then walked out the door.