Written in the Stars (31 page)

I smile at everyone chatting happily around the table and then glance at the other diners, listen to the hum of music in the background, the distant thwack of snooker balls in the bar beyond. It’s reminding me of the many evenings Kieran and Elliot spent here. Drinking, playing pool – Elliot and I against Kieran, just to make sure Elliot didn’t feel pushed out. We did that a lot, Kieran and I, to include him and not be too couply around him. He and Elliot were all the other had and he made it clear he didn’t approve of me. I had no interest in coming between them. It was only when we were alone that Kieran and I told each other how we really felt, whispering long into the night about our dreams, our newly formed future together.

A bottle of champagne arrives and Cal makes a great show of popping the cork. He stands up and raises a glass.

‘Here’s to Bea, my big sister. I’m so glad you’re here . . .’ His sentence drifts off and I can see he’s choked. His words are a reminder of how close I once came to not being here. I smile gratefully and reassuringly at him.

‘There’s nowhere else and no one else I’d rather be with right now. Thank you for always being there for me and helping me through a . . . another tricky year.’ I raise my glass. ‘To family.’

‘Family,’ everyone echoes.

Just then my mobile rings and when I see who it is I show the caller ID to everyone and gesture to them to start eating then weave my way out of the pub and into the dark street.

‘Milly!’ I answer, my delight at hearing from her evident in my voice.

‘Happy birthday, babe! How are you?’

‘Old!’ I laugh. ‘Single, old and back home with my bonkers family. But surprisingly good.’

‘Oh, I wish there were two of me.’

‘There are,’ I joke. ‘Remember?’

‘I don’t mean the baby! I just mean I’d do anything to be back there with you now. I know how much you must be missing Adam.’

‘I’m fine,’ I say emphatically. And I’m surprised to find I mean it. I miss him, obviously. I have done for months. But now? Now, well, I’m stronger, I guess. Maybe because Kieran’s here. I don’t have to deal with the ghosts on my own. ‘Besides, you don’t really want to be back here. You spent your teen years dreaming of getting out.’ Milly always said she felt like she spent her entire childhood in Norfolk waiting for her life to begin elsewhere. ‘You’re in New York!’ I exclaim. ‘Living your dream!’

‘Oh yes,’ she says. ‘That’s right. I’m Melanie Griffith in
Working Girl
, Diane Keaton in
Baby Boom
. . .’

‘Soon to be Sarah Jessica Parker in
I Don’t Know How She Does It
?’ I add, and feel my heart contract with longing. In another life perhaps.

‘Just what I’ve always wanted – to be a Hollywood film cliché!’ Milly whoops. ‘Not that I feel very Hollywood right now. Just kind of fat . . . and tired. Anyway, what about you, what have you been up to?’

I think of all the time I’ve been spending with Kieran and my mission to find Dad. Neither of which I feel I can tell Milly about in a phone conversation. ‘Nothing much,’ I lie. There’s an awkward pause. I hate how much we can’t tell each other these days.

‘Oh, right.’

Just then I see a dark figure walking down the street towards me. My breath catches in my throat as I look at him. He’s wearing a navy military coat with the collar pulled up around his neck and a beanie slung low over his forehead. His green eyes are glistening in the darkness and he’s wearing that lazy, sexy smile of his.

‘Actually, Mills, I really have to go. My meal’s on the table.’

‘OK, well, happy birth—’

‘Bye, Mills. Love you. Talk to you soon!’ I say hurriedly and press call end and stuff my phone in my coat pocket just as Kieran leans in and kisses my cheek.

‘Hey, you,’ he says. ‘Happy birthday.’

‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, glancing nervously inside the pub.

‘I just had a feeling you’d be in town. I wanted to see you on your birthday.’ He’s slurring slightly, I notice.

‘I’m with my family,’ I say, looking up at him meaningfully. He knows I don’t want them to know about us, or our search for my dad at the moment.

‘Come see me after?’ he says softly. ‘I promise we’ll have more fun than you’re currently having in there.’ He winks at me and I feel my stomach bubble up with excitement.

I’m unable to tear my eyes away from him. ‘I have to go, Kieran,’ I say apologetically, reluctantly. ‘My family are waiting for me.’

‘No they’re not.’

I turn quickly and look at Cal who is standing in the doorway. His face is thunderously dark, and he’s gazing furiously at Kieran. It’s clear he has recognised him immediately. ‘I think you’d better come inside, Bea.’

‘Isn’t she old enough to decide that for herself?’ Kieran puts his hands in his pockets and smirks challengingly at Cal.

‘She certainly doesn’t need
you
to help her.’

‘I am here, you know, guys!’ I turn between them, feeling furious that they’re treating me like I can’t make decisions on my own. ‘Cal, go inside. I can handle this.’

I wait for him to leave. But he just folds his arms and stands next to me like a security guard. I glare and turn back to Kieran.

‘I’ll see you
soon
, Kieran,’ I say evenly, trying to talk to him with my eyes. Cal has no right to treat Kieran like this. He wouldn’t, if he knew the truth.

‘Bye, Bea,’ Kieran murmurs, then adds, ‘Remember what I said . . .’ He looks at me, eyes struggling to focus. He holds up his hand in a half-salute, half-wave before he turns and walks away. I’m about to reply but Cal drags me back inside. Just then, my phone buzzes in my pocket and Cal storms off ahead. I look at the message.

I’ll be at the beach. Please come. I don’t want to be alone. K x

Chapter 49

I find it hard to finish my meal after that. Cal is glaring at me across the table and I refuse all offers of more alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker . . . and Loni knows that when I’m feeling emotionally fragile I steer clear of anything that might give me a high and then bring me to a crashing low. I know it’s wrong, but I use it as an excuse to leave as soon as the bill is ordered.

‘I don’t want to push myself too much. I’m er, feeling like I need to be by myself for a bit.’

‘Alone?’ Cal says darkly.

I glare at him.

‘Oh darling, are you sure?’ Loni says. ‘It’s a bit late.’

‘I’ll be fine. And I’ll be home soon. Probably before you!’ I smile. ‘Um, can I take your car please, Loni?’ She hands me her keys, clearly relieved that I’m not planning on going for a walk on my own.

‘Of course, darling. We’ll get a cab. I’ve probably had a couple too many to drive anyway!’ She giggles and Cal folds his arms and stares at me.

Just as I’m opening the pub door I feel my arm being tugged back and I turn around.

‘You’re crazy if you let yourself get involved with him again after what he did to you.’ Cal’s features are distorted with worry. ‘Please don’t go to him . . .’

‘I know what I’m doing, Cal.’

He shakes his head, and as he does it’s like a sand timer has been tipped over and he is no longer a twenty-eight-year-old father of two but the fifteen-year-old boy who saved his sister’s life. ‘I won’t let you do this, sis. I can’t,’ he says determinedly.

‘Please, Cal, you have to trust me. I promise I know what I’m doing. I’m thirty-one years old. You don’t have to keep being my superhero . . .’ I see that tears have sprung into his eyes and I pull him into a hug, feeling a wave of remorse for what I put him through all those years ago. ‘I’m sorry, Cal. I promise to take care.’ I kiss him on the cheek and he releases his grip. He’s still standing at the door as I get into the car and start the ignition.

I pull in at the car park next to Kieran’s yellow camper van, grab the flashlight I know Loni keeps in the glove compartment and get out of the car. The wind takes my breath away. The sky lies above me like a gown of deep royal blue, stars are scattered like sequins upon it. I begin to run towards the beach, flicking on my torch and allowing myself to be blown across the dunes.

‘KIERAN!’ The wind is so strong my voice is instantly swallowed by it.

I whip my head round, desperately trying to look for any sign of him. Where is he?

‘KIERAN!’ I yell again. I begin to run, my mind a whirl of anxiety.

Why did he come here when he’s been drinking? What was he thinking? He wouldn’t have done anything stupid, would he? I remember how, when Elliot died, I felt drawn towards the sea. On bad days I felt like it was seducing me into thinking that it held all the answers, that my future lay with it, not here on solid ground. It was part of the reason I didn’t leave Loni’s house for so long. I was scared of what I might do. The sea seemed to call me, each wave telling me that I could breathe within it. Become one with it. That it was the only thing powerful enough to carry me. I couldn’t rely on Cal and Loni forever, it sang, my moods, my incapabilities were only holding them down, drowning them. Loni would never love again while she had me to look after and I was stopping Cal from ever being allowed to be a kid. But the strong, supreme sea would lift me to a place where I would always feel like I was surfing, cruising, swimming, not sinking. Is that why Kieran came here? To be closer to Elliot?

‘Kieran!’ I shout again, almost choking on the panic, the memory of just how close I had come to believing the dark, swirling shadows in my mind. And then I see him. He is sitting in the dark near the shore, his beanie pulled down over his forehead, and I can see the orange glow of a cigarette or joint being lifted to his lips. I stumble down the sand dunes towards him. He doesn’t turn as I call him. I slide onto my knees and throw my arms around him. I feel the weight of a bottle pressed against my back, the cold, wet sand seeping through my jeans. I can smell whisky on his breath.

‘I didn’t think you’d come. I thought your family would convince you I’m a bad influence and I’d never see you again.’

‘I’m a big girl, remember?’

He looks at me then and I shiver and stand up, pulling him up with me. My skin burns as we clasp hands. I don’t know if it’s because of the cold, or the heat between us. ‘Besides,’ I add, ‘they didn’t stop me last time.’ Kieran takes a step closer and slips his arm around me. I look up at him. Our lips are inches apart. ‘I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do,’ I murmur.

‘Not even me?’

‘It depends what it is,’ I shoot back teasingly.

‘Take your clothes off.’ He eyes me challengingly, his eyebrows raised.

I pause and bite my lip and then stick my chin out and fold my arms with a defiant smile. ‘I will if you will.’

Kieran smiles lopsidedly and begins undoing his coat. I mirror his movements and without taking my eyes from his I start peeling off my clothes layer after layer before I can change my mind. His eyes are burning into mine, keeping me warm from the inside out. I throw my pieces of clothing at his feet one by one. Parka, jumper, jeans, top, T-shirt. Then when we are both in our underwear, he grabs my hand and we begin to run, laughing and yelling at the tops of our voices as we head for the sea.

We dive into the water and I gasp with shock as I feel it suck me into its icy mouth, the roar in my ears drowning out the noise in my head. For a moment I give into it, feeling it encase me in its cold grip as my head disappears beneath the surface. Is this how Elliot felt?

Seconds later I break the surface and come up for air blinking and spluttering. My lips chatter uncontrollably as I get my bearings in the darkness and see Kieran next to me, his face lit up by the pale moonlight. He stares at me solemnly, shivering as he treads water just inches from me. He is trying to speak, but it is so cold, he can’t catch his breath.

‘I – I wish I hadn’t stayed away for so long,’ he says at last. I nod. We don’t touch or kiss, we just stay like that for a moment, bodies submerged in the icy waves, our eyes locked. Two people forever linked by their past and now desperately trying to work out if they have a future together.

Chapter 50

When I get back to Loni’s, I slink in through the back door, avoiding any floorboards that I know will squeak. I notice there’s a ghostly, greenish light coming from the kitchen and I freeze to the spot and try to hide in the shadows as the door swings open.

‘You’re back, thank God!’ Loni cries. I turn and look at her. She is wrapped in a silk gown, her silvery hair coiled like Medusa’s around her head. ‘Where have you been? Oh darling, you’re blue with cold!’ She hurries forward and envelops me in her arms, my teeth chattering against her shoulder. She hustles me up the stairs.

‘Let’s get you in a hot shower, darling. I’ll get a towel warming on the Aga and make you a hot-water bottle.’

Fifteen minutes later I arrive in the kitchen in my PJs and dressing gown, clutching the hot-water bottle she’s made me.

The kitchen looks like a bomb’s hit it and Loni is standing in front of the Aga, hastily stirring some milk that is slopping all over the sides of the pan. ‘I’ve got some hot chocolate on. You look like you could do with one,’ she says shakily, turning her head and gazing directly into my eyes as she continues stirring. She always makes eye contact when she’s having a conversation because she believes it shows that you are giving the other person your ‘full engagement’. She says years of running her retreats has taught her that the worst thing you can do is not listen to someone properly. ‘It leaves them feeling desperate, alone, like even when they’re opening up about themselves, they’re not being heard.’

‘Th-thank you.’ Despite my hot shower and warm clothes I haven’t been able to stop shivering since I dried off in Kieran’s camper van before driving myself home. It didn’t scare me that he was drunk. What scared me was that I didn’t care. I hadn’t felt so reckless for a long time.

‘Cal told me who you’d be with . . .’ Loni keeps stirring fervently.

‘H-he had no right to,’ I reply.

She swings round and I see she is crying. ‘Of course he did! He’s worried
sick
about you. We all are!’

‘You don’t have to be, Loni,’ I say evenly. ‘I know what I’m doing.’