Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (25 page)

EXT. RENO NEVADA — “SKYLINE” — MORNING

TITLE CARD READS: Reno, Nevada. 5:35 a.m.
1989
.

“Simply Irresistible” by Robert Palmer blasts over establishing shots: We see the “skyline” of Reno, Nevada — a small, dusty town nestled at the base of the Sierras. We see posters for a Milli Vanilli concert; a newspaper taped over a broken window reports the fall of the Berlin Wall; TVs in a pawn shop window show ads for
The Arsenio Hall Show
.

INT. JIM DANGLE’S BATHROOM — CONTINUOUS

JIM DANGLE, young, fresh and optimistic, is pumping iron in front of the mirror of a large, elegant bathroom. He combs his mustache, checks his highlights. He likes what he sees and turns up his radio: “Simply Irresistible” plays even louder.

INT. JIM DANGLE’S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

Jim’s wall is covered with medals and citations from the Arkansas State Police. Half dressed, in his uniform shirt and thong, he opens a small box and pulls out: brand new Lieutenant bars. He beams with pride and pins them on his collar for the first time.

Dangle’s wife, DEBBIE DANGLE, enters, hugs him, and tells him she’s proud — in a sultry bedroom voice. She’s in lingerie, flirty and very physical, and about 150 pounds overweight. She tells him that her “Bad Lieutenant” is gonna get a special treat when he gets home from his first day at his new department. (
Dangle is still very much in the closet
.) He gives her a uncomfortable smile,
“growls” back, and tells her he can’t wait. He puts on his uniform pants —
long pants
, and heads to work, giving Debbie a macho swat on the ass.

EXT. JIM DANGLE’S HOUSE — MOMENTS LATER

A minimansion in a nice neighborhood. Dangle climbs into a glistening new Miata and peels out. His license plate reads: LADEZMAN. Debbie “flashes” him from the door …
a lot of flesh
. It’s horrifying and causes a CAR CRASH in the street.

EXT. RENO SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT — MOMENTS LATER

The same old Reno sheriff’s station, except that its sign is sky blue neon. Dangle pulls in, Wham blasting.

INT. MORNING BRIEFING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

There are several local and national news cameras in the room, recording the meeting: Other than that, it’s the same old briefing room, except for a few “JUST SAY NO” posters and a large banner declaring a WAR ON DRUGS.

We see our Reno deputies circa ’89: GARCIA’S hair isn’t grey. JONES has a Kid ’n Play flattop. JUNIOR isn’t wearing sunglasses or Kevlar, and his hair is in a horrible mullet. There is no KIMBALL and no WILLIAMS. And — CLEMMY is a fresh-faced sexy blond 20-year-old (played by a 20-year-old actress) … but she is very hungover, drinking an Alka-Seltzer. (We already can see where she is headed.)

Running the briefing — Sergeant TRUDY WIEGEL. She’s well spoken, intelligent, and authoritative as she demonstrates how to assemble a Glock in .8 second, expecting the other deputies to be able to do the same.

They tell her with genuine respect: sir-yes-sir. Trudy’s a total pro and not bad-looking, either.

Trudy announces, “As you know, the notorious serial killer known only as Dr. White, wanted for eating over seventy victims in Thailand, has returned to Washoe County, where he is still at large. So the Reno Sheriff’s Department has brought in a new Lieutenant to head the case — a highly decorated supercop from Arkansas who most people think will one day be president. It gives me great pleasure to introduce their new fearless leader: Jim Dangle.”

Dangle enters, gives Clemmy a macho slap on the ass, gives Jones a lingering hello, tells Junior to get a haircut, and starts the meeting. He gives a macho pep talk, mostly to the news cameras. He tells them that even though it’s a high-profile case that’ll no doubt get national press, for him it isn’t about fame. He knows that years from now, after he’s caught this killer, he’ll look around his fancy office, no matter where it is — Washington, D.C., or Geneva — and he’ll look back and say, “We did it. The Reno Sheriff’s Department didn’t screw this up. And that’s why I’m where I am today.”

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: Present Day.

INT. DANGLE’S TINY, RUNDOWN TRAILER — MORNING

Dangle is woken by his alarm clock. He looks around his crappy trailer, depressed.

The trailer is tiny and ratty, with posters of Broadway shows and Bruce Lee with his shirt off.

The bright-eyed young Lieutenant is long gone. He’s startled to find JOE THE CAMERAMAN filming him and accidentally fires off a bullet at him … sorry. He lights a cigarette and pops
buns of steel
into his old VCR. He smokes, depressed, as he does a few halfhearted butt-clench moves, then there’s a horrible CRUNCH as the VCR shreds the VHS tape. He finishes his cigarette, makes himself an Irish coffee, and squeezes into his tiny shorts. It takes a few attempts — we see the whole process. It’s not pretty. He grabs his bike (which is bike-chained to his fridge) and heads to work, miserable.

EXT. VIRGINIA STREET — DAY

Dangle skids to a halt in downtown Reno, a street lined with casinos and pawn shops, underneath a neon sign that reads THE BIGGEST LITTLE CITY IN THE WORLD.

Dangle confesses that even he doesn’t know what “biggest little city in the world” means. He tells the camera that as a civil servant (who is apparently gonna be stuck in the Sierras until he dies, like the Donner Party), he wants to show people the “good side” of Reno and dispel a few negative myths. First, that Reno is the meth capital of the world. It’s not — that’s Mojave, California. Reno’s #2, and as number 2, they try harder. He says that Reno isn’t as crime-ridden as people think; just as he says that, a GUY runs out of nowhere and steals his bike.

Okay, it’s
Go time
. He gives chase on foot and is soon out of breath. He sees: a gang of ten-year-old KIDS on little Huffy bikes. He flashes his badge and commandeers a bike, shoving a kid to the ground. He does a few
“fancy” bike tricks and gives chase. And as he does …

He gives us a high-speed bike tour of Reno. He points out the scenic Riverwalk
(that you should NOT walk on at night, unless you’rebegging for a scenic riverside rapin’)
. He points out the friendly and not-so-friendly LOCALS. He cuts through the Bowling Hall of Fame. He points out the town’s best Topless Burger Hut (the waitresses are topless, the beers are bottomless) … where he sees KIMBALL, who’d called in sick that day.
Huh
? Then he realizes that someone behind him is shooting him with paintballs — the kid whose bike he stole is after him, with a gang of paintball gun–armed TEN-YEAR-OLDS on Huffys.

Junior, responding to his calls for backup, pulls along side Dangle in a speeding squad car and tells him, “Don’t worry — we got a roadblock up ahead — ” CRASH. Junior smashes right into the roadblock, leaving Dangle alone in the pursuit.

He passes TERRY, who
may or may not
be giving a tug job in an alley. He cuts through the El Dorado casino (where Clemmy and Williams are gambling) and through a strip club (where Jones and Garcia are drinking). All of them called in sick today …

The bike thief makes it across train tracks JUST as a train goes by … shit. But Dangle sees a perfect ramp to jump the train. He gives up … but no — he backs across the street, eyes the ramp, pedals as fast as he can — and is hit unceremoniously by a truck on the cross street before he even gets to the ramp. The kids on Huffys take their bike back and pummel him with paintballs. He lies on the road in pain.

FLASH BACK TO:

EXT. DARK PARKING LOT OF A RUNDOWN LAUNDROMAT — NIGHT — 1989

(All-in-one shot — à la The International Inn’s Romance Ballet in
Reno 911!:
Miami — the Reno deputies go undercover on an all-night stakeout. Passing the long hours, they get to know each other for the first time — and the seeds of their “romances” are born.)

Dangle has set up an all-night stakeout at a Laundromat in the bad part of town, where Dr. White has abducted two victims in the past. They take turns, in pairs and in civilian clothes, sitting in a car in the dark parking lot, doing laundry in the mat, and keeping watch on the Laundromat’s roof.

Sitting in the parked car, Trudy and Dangle get to know each other for the first time. Dangle, playing “straight” (and
overdoing
it a bit) talks about men and women on the force — the chemistry, the sexual tension. Wiegel is a true professional — but she’s intrigued by his theories and constant macho advances. Eventually, she points out that they look a little suspicious sitting in a parked car. Maybe they should … pretend to make out? They do.

In the Laundromat, Jones is pretending to do laundry, and Young Clemmy is trying to get him to fool around. He resists — not out of professionalism but out of his “don’t shit where you eat” theory. Then a young mom from the neighborhood comes in to do her laundry. She’s young and hot and slim — she introduces herself to Jones: her name is RAINEESHA WILLIAMS. Much to Clemmy’s dismay, Jones seems very into her. Even after she brings in
her two young kids. Clemmy leaves to check in with the deputies on the …

ROOF. Garcia and Junior keep watch. Clemmy climbs up the fire escape to join them — with a six-pack of beer. She comes on to Garcia, who is oblivious to her advances. He’s too into the chase, the stakeout — he likes being a cop. Clemmy suggests that Junior should split and relieve the folks in …

The car. When Junior shows up, Dangle and Wiegel are making out hot and heavy. Dangle EAGERLY lets Junior relieve him and exits, to check out the laundry mat. Alone, Junior suggests that he and Wiegel make out. She jujitsus him.

In the Laundromat, Dangle sees Jones. Macho, bragging about making out with Wiegel — he strips in front of Jones — “to wash his clothes.” Uncomfortable with Dangle’s not-so-subtle advances, Jones soon escapes out, to the roof …

On the roof, Clemmy is playing strip “I never,” but Garcia isn’t biting. Jones climbs up onto the roof and joins in, and is followed by Williams, who’s turned on that Jones is a “cop on a stakeout.” Williams and young Clemmy compete for Jones’s attention. Garcia leaves, still oblivious, to go relieve …

Wiegel in the car. Garcia and Junior sit in the car, staking out. Wiegel heads into the Laundromat, walking in on Dangle, nude. She thinks it’s a play for her. She resists, briefly, then throws herself at him.

On the roof, Junior tries to join “I never” just as it’s breaking up, and Jones and Williams head down. Junior tries to keep it going with Clemmy. Clemmy says SURE … But passes out drunk. Junior “keeps it
going” anyway … until Dangle comes up, still naked, looking for Jones.

In the car, Jones and Williams are making out hot and heavy in the backseat, with Garcia, oblivious, in front. Jones is about to close the deal — when suddenly Raineesha has to leave. She’s late, for work! She’s a model and has a gig. She leaves before Jones even gets her name. The first time that’s EVER happened to Jones.

Wiegel is all alone in the Laundromat. And she is ABDUCTED by a tall man in a raincoat. No one even sees it happen.

Dangle wanders in looking for her … And the phone rings. Terrified, he answers: a voice tells him, “I have your sergeant. She’s across the street, at midnight — I eat her heart.” Across the street — is the creepy DONNER PASS MOTEL. The voice on the phone laughs …

FLASH-FORWARD TO:

EXT. RENO SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT — DAY — THE PRESENT

Establishing shot of the Reno Sheriff’s Department.

INT. MORNING BRIEFING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

Tired and despondent, Dangle reads the day’s briefings. Same old same old, until … he reads a bulletin from Carson, in shock: DR. WHITE, the serial killer, has finally been apprehended after seventeen years. He is going to be extradited to Thailand — and the
Reno Sheriff’s Department is in charge of escorting him there to stand trial.

Dangle sees this as the chance to redeem himself — from whatever went wrong in ’89. He vows that this time, Dr. White will not get away. The other deputies are psyched! They get to fly first class! And for some reason, Junior already has quite a selection of Bangkok sex slave brochures: “Be careful, though, my buddy T-Bone got a wife there, and found out six weeks later it was a guy.” (The other deputies ask … how could he not know? Junior tells them — T-Bone only does it doggy style.)

EXT. AIRPORT — NIGHT

The deputies wait on the tarmac for the arrival of Dr. White. It looks like a scene from
Silence of the Lambs
. It is tense, and the deputies’ eyes are filled with fear … we go in tight on Junior’s glasses.

FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. DONNER MOTEL — NIGHT — 1989

TITLE CARD: 1989.

Junior stands at attention in the parking lot, without his shades as Dangle gives orders: “Who here’s the best shot?” Junior says, “Me, sir.” Dangle tosses him a pair of NIGHT-VISION GOGGLES, incredibly sensitive to any light. Junior puts the goggles on and expertly assembles an ASSAULT RIFLE. Dangle says: “Let’s move out, and remember, Dr. White is smart, so watch for traps!” They move in stealthily, like the
Mission Impossible
team. They kick down a door — nothing. Another door — nothing. They hear strange MOANS coming from a third door.
Junior kicks it down, and — a blinding light FLASHES right in his face.

Junior screams and
opens fire
into the room. When he’s out of ammo, Dangle flips on the light. In the room is a sexy BLACK STRIPPER doing a show for two JAPANESE MEN in tighty-whities with a Polaroid. (Junior unloaded a full clip and missed all of them.) Not a trap. Just a stripper in a Josephine Baker banana skirt and fig-leaf pasties and two Japanese dudes in their underwear.

Dangle pulls the goggles off Junior and checks his eyes: he’s blind. “Don’t worry,” Dangle says, “it’s just temporary.” They head out to look for Wiegel.

FLASH-FORWARD TO:

EXT. AIRPORT — NIGHT — PRESENT DAY

Junior tries to light a cigarette, but he keeps missing — it wasn’t temporary. He can still barely see. The wail of arriving sirens snaps Junior out of his reverie. A motorcade pulls up, leading a white State Prison van.