Write That Book Already!: The Tough Love You Need To Get Published Now (17 page)

• If you’re arriving early in the day, call the hotel and try to arrange an early check-in.

• Keep a complete itinerary with you at all times and let people know if you miss a connection, or if there’s some other problem that’s going to make you late for an interview.

Wardrobe, etc.:

• Remember—on TV they never shoot below the waist (because that would be unsportsmanlike), and at readings you’re usually behind a podium. Leave your fancy shoes home; wear something comfortable. Use your precious suitcase space for tops and accessories.

• If you care about makeup on TV, find out ahead of time if they’ll do your makeup at the studio. If they don’t (and many don’t), run into a department store, buy a lipstick and let the saleswoman give you a makeover. Your makeup will be perfect for television. (This tip from Dave Barry.)

• Bring spray freshener for your clothes. You might not have time to get them cleaned. One old trick: you can “iron” things by hanging them in the steamy bathroom created by a hot shower.

Health and Fitness

• Tell your publisher that you have low blood sugar and will faint if you don’t get to eat lunch. Get a doctor to write you a note if necessary.

• Take vitamins, especially if you are the author of a health and nutrition guide.

• Drink LOTS of water.

• Book tours are no time for concentrated health regimens like diets or quitting smoking. Do that stuff before you leave, and allow yourself some treats. Touring is stressful and hard, and comfort food helps. Ask your grandma if you don’t believe us. If your grandma is on book tour, she’d love to hear from you.

• If you have a choice, and appearances are close to each other, walk, don’t drive. Fresh air and a little exercise will keep your energy up. Ask your gym teacher.

• Don’t expect to get much sleep.

Getting Along with Your Publisher:

• If you meet your company’s sales reps, follow up with a nice note thanking them for working so hard to sell your book, and an autographed copy. These folks, along with the booksellers, are the ones who can make your book a success. Don’t whine in their presence—save that for therapy, or the dog-food company accountant sitting next to you on the plane.

• Especially if you are a first-time author, try not to have unrealistic expectations. Everyone at your publishing company is overworked, underpaid, and stressed out. Most love books and are doing the best they can to promote yours. Even if that’s not the case, it doesn’t help to be a jerk. This book may be the most important thing to YOU, but don’t lose perspective—focus on ways you can help the cause.

• Try to get your schedule in advance, but don’t be surprised if things change at the last minute. (Note—this will ALWAYS happen in the one city where you’ve arranged to meet an old friend for dinner. It will never happen in the cities where you’re lonely and don’t know anyone.)

• You don’t have to do anything unreasonable or stupid, but if your publisher asks for something, try to accommodate any request quickly and graciously.

The Bookstore:

• If a lot of people show up, be gracious and make eye contact with everyone in line, but help the staff keep things moving. It’s bad form to complain about too many people—most authors would love to have your problem!

• If no one, or very few people show up, try to look like you’re having fun anyway. Sign stock, look busy, chat with the store employees. If you sit there looking depressed and miserable, no one will want to talk to you.

• Remember that you have a lifelong relationship with books, writing, and bookstores. Don’t focus on how many books you sell on a given night. Booksellers are on the front lines of the industry, and they should be a priority for you. Your presence contributes to a valuable community resource, and, if the booksellers like you, they will sell your books for years and years to come.

• When reading, pick a passage that’s short and entertaining. It doesn’t have to be your best writing—choose something that reads well out loud. Reading is a performance. Practice in front of your friends, read out loud to yourself. If you have to, get “intensive karaoke bar training” to overcome stage fright and learn how to use a microphone and perform in front of people.

• If a really small group shows up, make the event informal— sit in a circle and talk. Half the people there will be aspiring writers—ask them about their work.

• If you are nervous, be honest and funny about it.

• Don’t drink alcohol till after the reading. If you never drink, don’t drink then, either.

• If the sales reps show up, and you have time, invite them out for a drink or a snack after the reading.

• If the bookseller offers you a book to take home, don’t pick the most expensive one in the store.

• When you get home, send thank-you notes to the booksellers.

VIRTUAL TOURS

Another very cost-effective, if lonelier, method of touring is the satellite tour, or phone-in tour. These are set up by pros who specialize in booking authors on morning-drive radio shows and TV programs on network-affiliated stations. For TV, the author goes to one studio, sits in front of a seamless backdrop, and gets beamed in to one TV station after another to do brief interviews with local hosts and news anchors. The tricky part is remembering each interviewer’s name, and whether or not you already said that funny thing about the kazoo, the rubber chicken, and the whipped cream to this guy or the last one.

Radio tours are a little more casual for the obvious reason that no one can see you. You can do radio tours in your pajamas, in the bathtub, or in bed. But we recommend getting dressed and sitting up straight like the competent professional you are, because if you’re lying down you’ll sound less perky. And radio loves perky.

You also might want to have someone with you to help, as the timing on these interviews can be tight. If booked solid, they start at around 7:00
A.M
. Eastern time, and end mid-morning West Coast time, with a different call every five or ten minutes, moving geographically from east to west. Radio tours work best if you have two phone lines going, and someone (often the publicist will arrange for an experienced someone) making the next call as you’re winding up the last one. The helper can also cue you when time is running out. Radio and satellite tours can give an author national exposure in a few hours, and are a viable alternative for some books and authors.

There are also blog tours, which (obviously) involve sitting in front of your compauter typing. These can be arranged through online marketing services for a fee.

MEDIA ESCORTS

One more thing: if you do go on a tour and your publisher offers you the services of a media escort, say yes. Media escorting is a profession known only by publishers and authors who’ve been on book tours—and the people who do it are a special breed. A good escort will not only drive you to all your interviews and appearances without getting lost, but will brief you on the way:

“The host of the morning show plays poker on Tuesday night; since today is Wednesday, watch out. We’ll be able to see in a second if he’s won or lost, and how much he drank.” “This guy is a thoughtful interviewer but a little dry.” “Expect a lot of interruptions for commercial breaks.”

You get the idea. The best escorts are charming, engaging, intelligent, well-read people who are resourceful enough to troubleshoot any problem that comes up. They also know all the secret routes and places to park.

If you have family in town, by all means invite them to your book signing and plan to get together for dinner, but let the media escort pick you up at the airport and drive you around. We promise you won’t be sorry.

BOTTOM LINE

All of this marketing and publicity stuff may seem a far cry from the pure act of writing that led you here in the first place. But if you want to be an author you have to play your part in the machinery of selling the books. So brush your teeth, smile, be a nice person, show up on time, and do the best job you can.

In the beginning there was nothing BUT self-publishing. A writer was a printer was a publisher. But as the universe cooled, these roles gradually separated. In time, authors were seen as effete intellectual snobs who stayed in their rooms churning out genius prose before dying young of consumption, or old of bitterness. The publishers were the rich people in tweed jackets in large urban centers who drank and smoked a lot, and printers were gruff but intelligent ink-spattered sorts.

I DID IT MY WAY: NONTRADITIONAL PUBLISHING

These days the line between author and publisher is blurring once again, as in biblical times. Some authors choose to go the self-publishing route: paying for and handling all aspects of publishing themselves, including marketing, publicity, sales, distribution, and storage. Although self-publishing—that is, the publishing of books by the authors of those works, rather than by established publishers—has been present in one form or another since the beginning of publishing, there has been a marked increase in authors choosing this route. Some of this change is driven by new technologies. Photocopying, desktop publishing systems, print-on-demand, and so forth, have become cheaper and more accessible. Additionally, the proliferation of online media has contributed to the advancement of self-publishing, allowing authors to market themselves, and in some cases to simply publish their work digitally.

The upside of this arrangement for authors is that they have total control and retain all rights. The downside of this arrangement for authors is that they have total control and retain all rights. Self-published authors own their books 100 percent and get all the proceeds of sales—but they also take all the risk.

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL: VANITY PRESS

The old model of the “vanity press”—a company that publishes books at the author’s request and expense—is one well-worn choice when it comes to self-publishing. Vanity press companies contract with authors to package their books regardless of quality or marketability. They appeal to the writer’s desire to become a published author, and make the majority of their money from fees for producing the books rather than from sales. In a vanity press arrangement, the author pays all of the cost of publication and undertakes all of the risk. Because vanity presses are not selective, the books they produce are not usually given the same recognition or prestige as commercial publications. And these companies also may charge a higher fee than you’d pay if, for example, you contracted directly with a printer. When published by a vanity press, your book will bear the name and logo of that company. “Vanity publishing” is a loose term; if you go this route you’ll need to check with each company to see what services are provided. We discuss some of the variations (i.e. editing, design, etc.) in the following pages.

YOUR OWN HORATIO ALGER STORY: STARTING A PUBLISHING COMPANY

Another model is to start your own publishing company, come up with a name and a logo, and find a book packager and/or printer to work with. This is called self-publishing, or independent publishing, and it is as old as publishing itself. Because of the advances in technology and improved turnaround offered by print-on-demand, this newer model is a growing and increasingly viable choice, at least in some cases. Successful self-publishing requires considerable financial resources and self-discipline.

Tough Love from the Author Enablers

To self-publish means to single-handedly promote your book to the world, using your money, your contacts, your know-how, and your time and energy. It’s a daunting task—more daunting, in many ways, than trying to get an agent and a traditional publisher. Self-publishing may or may not be the right choice for you and your book, but we want you to make this decision with your eyes wide open. That’s our two cents. ‹«