Worth the Fall (30 page)

“
I told him he needed to apologize to you himself, but—”

Alison cut off James
’s father. “That’s not necessary. And something that you probably shouldn’t push on him at this point. He may feel some time in the future that he’d like to come back to Tech and hopefully continue therapy. I’d like to leave all doors open. And if he’s not comfortable talking to me at this point, that’s fine.”

The mother gave the father an
“I told you so” look that Alison ignored.

They talked for a little while longer, then they left to pick up their son and take him back to Appleton. Alison wrote herself a note to call the psychologist she
’d recommended and give him a heads-up about a possible call from James’s parents.

She checked her watch and realized she was running late to meet the movers at her parents
’ apartment at the Ridges. Sherry and her mother were at the house seeing them off and Alison was supposed to meet them at the new place. They’d decided not to bring their mom over until the furniture was in place. They also didn’t want their mother in a semi-empty house because of the possibility that she could become confused. As soon as the movers left, Sherry was going to take Nora to the hospital where they’d wait for Alison’s call. Then they’d get her father, who was able to leave the hospital today, and come over to the new place together.

***

“Oh, look, lasagna is on the menu tonight. You both love lasagna,” Sherry said to their parents as Alison was putting the last of the groceries away in their new apartment. The furniture she’d chosen fit perfectly in the small space. She’d had the movers arrange it as closely as possible to how her parents had it in their place. Familiarity was key when dealing with dementia. She’d even arranged to have painters come in and paint the walls to match what they had at home.

Alison looked up from where she had squatted to place the dish soap under the sink. Her father was nodding at Sherry, but Alison could tell he wasn
’t sure who her sister was.

“
Lasagna does sound good,” Alison said, standing up. She put the grocery bags away in the pantry. “How about if Sherry and I stay and have dinner with you tonight?” She didn’t tell them about the last time she’d had lasagna—and ended up on her back on the kitchen table soon after.

Her parents looked at each other and she saw the moment her father came back to them.
“That’s nice of you to offer, Alison, but your mother and I would like to dine alone tonight.” He took his wife’s hand, raised it to his lips and kissed it. “Isn’t that right, Nora, darling?”

Her mother smiled, and wove her free hand through her husband
’s arm. “That’s right. It’s been a while since just the two of us had a meal together that wasn’t brought in on a hospital tray.”

They smiled at each other, their intimacy obvious, and Alison felt like she had the morning Lizzie and Finn had brought Petey
’s truck to him. Like she was intruding on someone else’s life.

Lizzie and Finn had been married only a year. Her parents, over fifty-five. And yet they shared the same sense of ease with each other, the same twinkle in their eyes when they looked at each other.

“Well, then, we’ll get going and let you two have a nice romantic dinner,” Sherry said, and started gathering her things.

Alison walked over to her parents and hugged her mother and then her father.
“Please don’t overdo. You just got out of the hospital and need to take it easy. An early dinner, then to bed with you,” she said to her father.

“
Yes, mother,” he teased, then tweaked her nose just like he used to do when she was a child. She turned to go, but her father pulled on her hand and she looked back to him. “It’s okay to be afraid, you know?”

“
What?” She looked around, trying to figure out what he thought she might be afraid of.

He pulled her aside, away from her mother and Sherry.
“It’s okay to be afraid to love. It’s natural for someone like you, Alison.”

“
Someone like me?” she whispered. Her body went cold. She didn’t want to hear what her father was going to say because she knew he’d probably be right.

“
Whatever it was? Whatever happened? It doesn’t have to stop you from taking a chance on love. Only you can do that. Don’t give whatever it was that kind of power.”

The breath left her body, but she tried to laugh.
“That sounds like something I’d say to a patient. Have you been watching reruns of Fraser again?”

He didn
’t chuckle at her joke, only looked at her with sadness in his eyes. “Just…just promise me you’ll listen…you’ll let him in.”

“
Daddy? Who?” But he was gone. If he’d even been there. For all she knew he could have been telling Sally to give poor Jimmy a shot.

He was looking around the room, confused, and then he saw the La-Z-Boy that he
’d sat in for the past twenty years and made his way over to settle into it. He looked at the three women and smiled, a blank and benign look on his face.

“
Oh, Daddy,” she whispered, a lump forming in her throat.

“
It’s okay,” her mother said. “I’ve got it from here. You girls go on now. You’ve done so much.”

She grabbed her coat and she and Sherry headed for the door. As they were leaving, she turned around and saw her mother seating herself in the chair she
’d sat in next to her husband for year after year, taking his hand lovingly.

Alison quietly closed the door behind her, leaving the lovebirds alone.

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.

~ Carl Gustav Jung

Two weeks later Alison got a call from James
’s therapist in Appleton telling her that James wished to talk with Alison. She spoke with the therapist for a long time about the best course of action and they finally decided that she’d drive to Appleton and be present during James’s session with his new therapist.

Which is where she now sat.

Cameron Rowe was a psychologist that Alison greatly admired. They’d met at a conference years ago and had conferred with each other on different cases many times. She knew James was in good hands with Cam.

“
I wanted to apologize to you in person,” James said to her once they were all settled in Cam’s beautifully decorated room he used for sessions. It was much swankier than Alison’s, but then, Cam didn’t have the view that she did.

“
I told your parents, and Cam, that it wasn’t necessary, James, but it’s good to see you.”

He sighed, his hands stilled, and he looked her in the eye for the first time since he
’d walked in. “It’s good to see you, too.”

“
How are you doing?”

He shrugged.
“Okay, I guess.”

“
Is it good to be home?”

He turned his head, like he did in her office, but there was no window here. He turned back to Alison.
“Some days, yes. Some days I wish I was back in Houghton.”

“
Is that a goal for you, James? To return to Tech?” Alison asked. She and Cam had decided that he would stay silent as much as possible so James didn’t feel they were tag-teaming him in any way.

“
I guess. I’ve got to do
something
, right?”

“
For now, you can just concentrate on yourself. I know your parents want that for you, too.”

He grimaced.
“I know they do. I know my mom is…”

“
She loves you, James, and would like to help you. She just doesn’t know how, and that’s frustrating for any parent—to not be able to help their child,” Alison said.

“
I know. But she can’t help. I’m afraid no one can.”

“
There is help, James. Cameron. Myself. Your parents. But mostly you. You’re your own best asset James. You just need to let people help where they can.”

“
But you can’t stop the sadness. You can’t stop the pain.”

“
I know some days it feels like a black hole. But I also know you have good days, too. You’ve told me about them. We just need to concentrate on those good days. You need to stay on your meds too, James.”

He looked away guiltily.

“That’s imperative, James. The pain can sometimes be too big for us alone. Some pains stay with us forever, and some we can conquer and move on. The trick is to let go of the ones you can.”

They talked for another hour, James contributing more than she thought he would. When he left, he said he hoped to see Alison again—back in Houghton when he felt able to return to school.

She and Cameron went to lunch and discussed the case for another two hours, then Alison started the four-hour drive home.

She
’d been lucky that the roads were bare when she’d left home early this morning. By now a heavy snow was coming down. To make it worse, it was that dense, wet snow that made the roads so treacherous.

By Iron Mountain, she was white-knuckling the steering wheel and decided to pull over for a while to see if it got any better. Still stuffed from lunch with Cam, she decided to just find a coffee shop and write down some notes from her session with James.

She saw a sign for one, but their small parking lot was filled, so she drove past it to the next parking lot, pulled in, and parked her car. Something seemed familiar and then she realized it was the same parking lot—to some insurance company—where she and Petey had been when she’d miscarried.

She quickly brushed those memories aside, grabbed her bag, and walked through the snow to the coffee shop.

Two hours later the snow had stopped, the roads were drivable, and Alison hadn’t written one note in her files. Oh, she’d thought about James at first. About discussing pain. But soon the memories of the pain she’d felt all those years ago in this town—two parking lots over—dominated her thoughts as she nursed a coffee.

Her dad had been right—she had let that pain rule her choices. And what she
’d said to James was right, too. That you had to learn from pain and move on from it when you could.

And then she thought about Petey. More specifically, how great Petey had been that horrible day here in Iron Mountain.

He really had been a prince to her that day. She’d been too wrapped in her own pain and fear that day to really acknowledge it. And she knew she’d been unfair to him—had known it even then.

And she
’d held on to the pain, she could admit that. Not only held on to it, but morphed it into the antagonistic relationship she’d developed with Petey for the next eighteen years.

Oh, he
’d given as good as he got through the years. But if she was honest with herself, he’d only been following her lead.

She
’d counseled her patients about working through pain, about letting it go. And yet she never really had.

Could she? Now? After all the time that had passed?

Or was it too late for her and Petey? Had she finally pushed him away one too many times?

As soon as she saw the snow plow go by, she gathered up her things and left the coffee shop. Once in her car she took a deep breath, looked around the parking lot, and said farewell to that awful time for good.

She put her foot on the gas and headed home.

One is very crazy when in love.

~ Sigmund Freud

“Red Wings score!” the announcer bellowed from the television as Petey sat watching the game with his father.

It
’d been over two weeks since he’d left Alison’s, and there was still no word from her. So that was it. Done. Over before it’d even begun. Just like eighteen years ago.

And just like eighteen years ago, she
’d ripped his heart out.

“
They’re going to make a run for it. I know it,” Dan Ryan said to Petey.

“
What?”

His father pointed to the TV.
“The Wings. They’re going to go all the way. You’ll get your ring yet.”

“
Dad, I won’t get a ring.”

“
Oh yes, you will. I looked it up. You played just enough games to qualify if they win the Cup.”

“
I don’t want to skate by on a technicality. If they win, it will be without me, and I’m not going to show up to collect a ring.” He felt so shitty about it he couldn’t even enjoy the good skate pun.

His father started to say something, but looked at Petey and smartly kept his mouth shut.

It’d been a long two weeks, and he and his father had had some very tense moments. Starting tomorrow, Petey was taking a room at his friend Jules’s motel for the remaining time until he could get back into his own place or until he headed to Detroit to take care of things there. He’d probably come by here for a few meals, but staying elsewhere would help ensure that he and his father didn’t kill each other.