Words of Lust (19 page)

“Good. Good. That’s wonderful. And don’t you worry. He is a good, strong man. You can count on him.” Having apparently accomplished her mission, Amelia jumped up, hugged her tight and grabbed her purse.

“Wait, what about all the food?”

“I brought that for you, sweetheart. You’re not eating enough and you’re getting skinny. Nick’s like his father. He likes his women curvy.” Leaving her blushing, Amelia simply marched out of her apartment, pulling the door closed behind her with decisive firmness.

It was easy to see why the Stellato kids had all turned out so well. They’d never have had a chance to go wrong with Amelia Stellato in their corner.

While the thought of seeing Nick and having such a serious and embarrassing talk made her anxious, at the same time she was oddly relieved and more optimistic than she’d been all week. She had acted badly, so she would make it right and hope for the best. That was the only thing she could do. She spotted herself in the hall mirror as she went into the kitchen to put away the food and her flushed reflection proved she wasn’t ready to give up Nick Stellato after all.

But despite her decision, she wasn’t ready to confront him yet. She needed to marshal her thoughts and work up her courage. Though she feared it was likely futile, she also spent the afternoon contemplating Amelia’s suggestion that she get a new medical opinion. Was it possible that in the ten years since her diagnosis, new treatments or medical advancements might have become available? An online search revealed there were lots of complicated opinions and she read about a number of women whose situations had seemed impossible but who had gone on to get pregnant and have healthy children. The news sparked renewed hope. She’d never thought too much about it when she was young, but why had she never pursued other opinions once she was older? It wasn’t an easy answer, but perhaps she’d given up the fight too readily. Maybe she’d simply lacked the motivation of a man she could love. Nick and a future, a life and a family with him? That was potent motivation, indeed.

After studying medical sites, she went back and finished up some class papers and then heated up and ate too much of the food left by Mrs. Stellato. It seemed her appetite had returned along with her desire to fight for the man she wanted.

With a sense of renewed determination, and having decided to call Nick first thing in the morning, she went to bed. She couldn’t turn off her thoughts, however, and she lay in the stillness for a long time as she ran what she wanted to say to him through her head like a movie script. In the darkness she wondered if she could undo the damage of her hasty action and perhaps discover her fears were as silly as Amelia thought. As the silence of the night enveloped her, she wondered if she could fix the mess she’d created.

Chapter Sixteen

“This is Nick Stellato. Please leave a message and I’ll return your call as soon as possible.”

She hesitated before leaving a message, all the words she’d practiced having vanished. “Nick, it’s Serafina. I’m, I mean, I just wanted to say I was sorry about last week. I’d like to talk, to try to explain. I know you must be hurt and angry, but I hope you’ll give me a call. Please. All right. Goodbye.”

She put her phone in the pocket of her pants and sighed. Having to screw up her courage to make the call was bad enough. Not getting to talk to him was very anticlimactic.

Sunday dawned mild and beautiful, and spring was definitely back in the air after a few abnormally blustery days. She woke up feeling a bit more lighthearted in the face of her decision, and because she’d spent so much time distracting herself by working, she could spend all day relaxing while she waited for his call. She decided to visit a favorite bakery a few blocks away for a chocolate croissant and then pick up a coffee and newspaper and walk to the High Line to take advantage of the lovely morning. The latest section of the elevated park to be completed stretched uptown as far as the Thirties, so she’d have a nice therapeutic walk on a beautiful day. She spent so much time indoors that just being outside on a warm, sunny day would be wonderful. Nick had her cell number now, and he’d reach her if he was willing to give her a chance.

The forty-block round-trip walk, and being outside soaking up the sun, lightened her spirit and allowed her to adopt a pragmatic perspective on her situation. Three hours later, a bit sunburned but definitely more relaxed than she’d been all week, she returned home. She’d chatted with strangers, watched a gardener adding some annual plantings in the new section and engaged in a friendly literary debate with an elderly rare book dealer as they strolled along the pathway.

While she was still cautious and aware of her surroundings and on guard about people near her, her mood was so much better that she was no longer quaking with tension. She stopped at the corner deli for some green tossed salad and fresh-baked rolls to have with more of the food left by Nick’s mom. Juggling her bag and the
New York Times
, she walked back into her building, waving at the Sunday doorman, Ernesto, as she strolled through the lobby.

“Hello, Serafina.”

She leaped back with a startled yelp before she realized who stood in front of her.

“Nick!”

“Sorry to scare you. You’re a very hard woman to track down.”

He looked so good. Strong and gorgeous. How could she have forgotten so quickly the physical impact the man had on her?

“I called you.”

“When?”

“This morning.”

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked. “My phone’s dead. I must have forgotten to charge it because I’ve been tearing my hair out for days trying to catch up with a crazy woman who wouldn’t take my calls. You’re not getting away from me, so let’s go. I’m coming upstairs with you because we need to talk.”

She nodded but he stopped her. “By the way, would you mind telling the gentlemen at your front door that I’m not a crazed killer?” He was angry, that much was quite clear. But he was holding it in check and she nodded.

“Ernesto, allow me to introduce Nick Stellato. He’s a good guy and we’d just had a fight, but now everything’s okay, so put him on my approved visitors list and if he comes by again, please buzz me.”

“Sure thing, Professor Luca.”

His nearness in the elevator, coupled with his obvious black mood, made her anxious. Her optimism and good intentions waned. Maybe he wasn’t going to let her explain. Maybe he’d just shown up so he could yell at her. Of course, if that was what was in store, she deserved it.

The floors dinged by with oppressive slowness and tension built in the dead silence of the elevator. When they reached her floor and the doors opened, he walked directly behind her as she pulled out her keys and fumbled at the lock. The heat that radiated from him left her shaking even more than her trepidation did. That she could still be overwhelmed by his presence, even when tense, made it clear this wasn’t mere infatuation.

She unlocked the door with shaking hands, then took a deep breath and walked into the room before turning to speak.

He grabbed her in an iron grip, pushed her roughly against the wall, his mouth landing on hers in an angry, desperate kiss. His hands clutched her hips, twisting her clothes in his fists. His tongue surged between her lips to taste, to possess. And his guttural moan proclaimed exactly how intensely he felt about her.

As abruptly as the kiss started, he broke it off. But he kept her held tightly in his arms and stared down at her, his expression stormy.

“Whatever the problem is, Professor, we are going to work it out, and if you ever do this to me again, I promise you I’ll paddle your ass, but good. Got me?”

“Got you.” She couldn’t restrain a visceral thrill. He was mad, certainly, but he was fighting for her. He wanted her back, and he just wanted her, which was plain from the hardness of his erection digging into her stomach. He wasn’t going to let her walk off into the sunset, so there was hope after all. He was going to make her face the music but was obviously determined she not face it alone.

She looked up at him, her eyes moist. His expression softened and he kissed her again, still hungry but a bit apologetic as well.

“Sweetheart, this has been the worst week of my life. I’ve been crazy not being able to get in touch with you, to see you, talk to you. I know Cara said something to you, but I don’t have the foggiest clue what made you run away.”

“Your mom came to see me too. Yesterday.”

“God.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “The Stellato women will be the death of me yet.” Then he squeezed her to him, as if seeking reassurance that she was actually back in his arms.

She reached up and caressed his cheek, chagrined that he looked haggard and seriously needed a shave. “Let’s sit down. I want to talk, to explain.”

He sat on her sofa, but too close to him she couldn’t think clearly, so she sat in the chair facing him.

“Talk to me, babe. What is it? What happened?”

One last sigh and she forged ahead. “Nick, the last four weeks of my life have been like some sort of wild ride. I meet you—no, you rescue me like a knight charging into battle to save a damsel in distress. Then days later you sweep me off my feet. In two weeks’ time I’ve had sex with you, met your parents, become embroiled in your family crisis and been told what beautiful children you and I would have. Not to mention I was nearly killed and spent the night in the hospital. This is all pretty overwhelming, and my feelings are all over the place.”

“Let me guess, it was Cara who blabbed about kids.”

“Yes.”

“Look, she’s always been obsessed with kids, with having kids. And she wants everyone around her to have kids.” He shrugged, a
what can you do?
gesture. “I’m sorry she pushed like that. We’ve got a good thing going and I certainly want to take our time. This is too good to rush and screw things up.” He seemed relieved, as though he assumed it was merely the pushiness of Cara’s comments that had upset her.

“Are you saying you don’t want to have children?” Her skin tightened with tension once again.

“Someday, sure. Not right now, though.”

“You’re thirty-three, Nick.”

“So, a few years into a good marriage I expect I’ll have kids.”

Her heart broke. “I can’t have children.” The bomb dropped quietly, but she clenched her hands and waited silently for his response.

He focused on her, his expression searching and serious. He waited.

“I was told I couldn’t have kids when I was fourteen. Your mother seems to think I should see Cara’s specialist and find out if there’s anything that can be done, but I don’t know if I can bear to get my hopes up.”

“I’m so sorry, Serafina.”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m trying to make you understand. It’s just another stumbling block for us. It’s why I ran out on you at the hospital. I care about you and I’ve watched you with your family, with Cara’s kids. It would be so unfair to keep you from enjoying that kind of life. And if there’s no future for us, it would hurt too much to keep seeing you when I know how it will eventually end.”

“Don’t you think it’s unfair, to both of us, to decide all by yourself? How about we make this a dialogue, and I get to talk too, and let you know how I feel? Let me have some input into the choices about my life, my future. Maybe you’ve assumed certain facts that aren’t true. Sure, I like kids, and I’ve always thought I’d have a couple. But if it doesn’t happen, it won’t be the end of my world.”

“That’s not the same thing as being fine with it.”

“Professor—God, you make me crazy—I’m not one of those touchy-feely guys who talks about his emotions often, so listen up. I like you. A lot. I want to keep seeing you. I know there are issues. There’ll be more of them too, trust me. But why don’t we take it one step at a time and stop spending all this energy making ourselves nuts? How about we focus on working things out instead of running away?”

He was so intense, so determined, and she couldn’t hold back a sigh of frustration and longing.

“I care about you too. Very much. And I love your family and your world. But everyone I’ve ever cared about has left me. I’ve been alone for a long time now, and I’ve gotten used to it. It would be like opening a vein if you and I don’t work out, especially if it was because of children, and you’d known all along.” She stumbled around, trying not to let her anguish overtake her. “If we don’t work out, you’ll be gone too. And after being with you again? It would tear me apart.”

“You’re afraid.”

“Yes! I’m afraid of being in love with you and your amazing family and afraid I’ll lose it all because I’m not who you really want! A weird brainiac who doesn’t get sports, can’t cook and can’t have children.” Tears rolled down her cheeks and she swiped at them. He stood up and pulled her into his arms.

“What have you done with the feisty lady who stood up to a drunken bully? Who had sex in my truck on our first date? Who helped save my sister? Why are you so quick to throw in the towel without a fight? You’ve had some crappy luck, I admit, but you’ve made your argument, so now it’s my turn to convince you to believe in me—and to fight for us.” He tilted her head up and kissed her firmly.

“I don’t want to lose you. I want to see where we go. If this thing turns out to be something we both want, and if you can’t have children and we decide we want them, we can adopt. If it’s what we both want. What’s the most important thing is that we would have each other. We’ll work through whatever we have to. Don’t make decisions for me, and I want a promise that from here on out, you talk to me. Don’t run off. We’re grown-ups and you’re brilliant. I’m pretty sure we can figure things out. Serafina, I can only imagine what it’s like to lose everyone you love. But you’re not going to lose me.”

“You can’t make promises like that. Things happen. Illness, accidents.”

“Oh come on. That’s just life. Life happens. If you’re always trying to hide from the bad stuff, you’ll miss any shot at the good times. That’s the coward’s way out. If you want to be truly happy, you have to take the risks and put yourself out there. I can’t believe you’ve come as far as you have by being a quitter. I think you just got blindsided by me and my family and the timing of Cara’s crisis and her unfortunate comments and trying to keep this secret because you were afraid.”

The gentle accusation hung in the air like a challenge. He was daring her to love him but take a chance on heartbreak in the bargain. She was in utter turmoil. She was afraid of the unknown waiting in the future. Fear of heartbreak and loneliness churned inside her. Then he reached up and caressed her cheek, his gaze steady. It stilled her anxiety and she took a shaky breath. Could she reach for something she wanted so badly? Instead of hiding from happiness for safety’s sake, could she accept the vagaries of fate and fight for the joy? He leaned down and touched his lips to hers with a sweet, compelling kiss. She was so tired of a life of solitude, a life without love.

“What do you say, Professor? Let’s take a walk on the wild side of life and see what happens.”

She was at a crossroads. She’d been alone for years and life had been—if not exultant—calm. When she’d met Nick she had chosen to be bold. She’d grabbed hold of something she had never had before and that decision had changed her life. He had changed her life. Was she so cowardly she would give up the sweetness she’d discovered? She looked into his eyes, and it was as if she were watching clouds part after a storm to reveal the bright blue sky and a wonderful rainbow that could be hers. Her doubts evaporated. He was her chance for love. For a future filled with warmth, joy and the excitement of facing challenges with him by her side. His mother had been right. She’d fallen in love with him the very moment he rescued her. Fear of trusting in that love had made her run and she’d given herself a good excuse to abandon him and avoid the risk of disappointment. But he was worth fighting for. He was worth any risk.

For a long, breathless moment she couldn’t speak. Then the knot inside unraveled.

“Yes.” She smiled, then stood on tip toe and kissed him to seal the deal. It grew hot and desperate in seconds.

“Come to bed.” She tugged him by the hand toward her bedroom. Her heart was bursting with joy at having wiped away her fears and his anger, and she wanted him inside her. It seemed as if years had passed since they’d made love.

“Don’t have to ask me twice. I’ve been dying without you.”

“Let me undress you? I want to get familiar with you all over again.” She pulled his face down and kissed him, relishing his taste, his scent and the ferocious heat of the man. She tugged his polo shirt off and ran her hands over his hard, muscled frame. She licked at his nipples and looked up at him through her lashes with a small satisfied smile. His stare was intense; his jaw was tight with arousal. She wanted to drive him mad. She wanted to show him how exquisite it was to be pushed to the very brink, until he was desperate for release.