Word of Honor, Book 2 (21 page)

“So, Joe-Joe said he was becoming a rapper,” Aaron continued to explain his latest conversation with his brother. “That guy is crazy.” He chuckled. “I suppose we all are.” He shrugged as he looked lazily out the window then back at her through slightly narrowed eyes.

“What’s his rapper name?” she asked, taking another hard draw on the straw, trying to force the miniscule amount of liquid to enter her mouth with deep pressure.

Aaron’s eyes grew a bit wider as he clicked his thick, long tongue inside his inner jaw. A smattering of a smile materialized on his face, one filled with something nasty, lewd, and right up her alley.

Damn. Memories.

His dark brows bunched ever so slightly while he tapped the back of his bench seat, leaned his head against the window, and slumped in the corner of the booth.

“Sir Foreskin, shit, hell if I know…” He shrugged, stifling a smirk.

Mia burst out laughing then cupped her hand over her mouth to keep the last bits of watered down soda she’d managed to extract from spewing out. Aaron offered her a cocky, off kilter grin. The man wasn’t sexy, sexy was
him
…

“You have such beautiful laugh. Funny, I almost forgot how it sounded.” He cocked his head to the side. “Isn’t that strange? The things we love most, sometimes we forget? Maybe I
tried
to forget it, afraid I might not get to hear it again.”

“Why would you think that?” She looked at him and the invisible wedge between their bodies, the one made of broken bricks of regret. No, this time he could not escape behind a cell door or slam the receiver of a phone down… or ignore long winded, emotional letters covered in tear stains. She leaned across the table and took his hand. She shook it a bit, showing the man strength, control, and love.

“Because things happen, Mia. Things we don’t want to happen, but they do.” His lips twisted up tight, as if he were preventing himself from saying anything further.

“I am looking forward to meeting Laura. You talked about her so much yesterday, I could almost picture everything you said.”

He broke out in a wide smile. “Yeah, that’s my world right there… I want her to meet you, too; I’ll get that arranged, just like I said. With our situation, I gotta be careful is all. I saw her yesterday and talked to her on the phone this mornin’. I’m going to spend some time with her later on today.”

“Good! I hear that new park they opened is real nice. She might like that.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. She can go on some rides with me… scream her head off.” They both laughed for a spell, their voices waning at just the same time. “Look, Mia. I’m sorry about takin’ off so abruptly last night. It wasn’t anything you did; I just had some time sensitive stuff I needed to take care of. I appreciate you cookin’ me dinner and all. It was delicious by the way. Wish I had some more right now.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I just uh…” He looked down at his hands. “Well, I had things to do. You looked disappointed, but trust me, I was more so.”

“Yes, but I understood. I mean, you’d just gotten home after a year.” She nodded, then switched gears. “You didn’t seem in the mood to talk about much after you came to the school yesterday, Aaron. I wanted to discuss things with you, but instead decided to give you some space for a minute or two, let you get your bearings. But, this can’t wait any longer.”

He met eyes with her and ran his index finger over his lower lip as if in deep concentration.

“Well, what’s troublin’ you?” He reached for her hand, held it tight.

“Why didn’t you tell me that your court case date had changed? Aaron… you’ve been keeping secrets.” She shook her head as a tiny bit of anger planted itself inside of her, threatening to grow out of control and ruin their reunion. She tried to hide her resentment, but she simply could not, so she slowly slid her hand away from his and leaned back in her seat, arms crossed and hands tucked at her sides. “What other things have you been keeping from me? We made a pact. We had an agreement. First, you almost died due to being jumped on at Holman and now
this
.”

Her chest seized up as thoughts of him struggling to breathe in the hospital, barely clinging to life, consumed her, while all that time, she was none the wiser, living in some residual fairytale.

“Mia, I didn’t tell you about me gettin’ into trouble at Holman because I didn’t want you to worry. How would that have helped either one of us? There was nothin’ you could have done. Not only that, you have children to teach and help care for. You didn’t need any of my shit!”

“That’s for
me
to decide!” She pointed at the man, then at herself, driving her finger hard against her chest and causing a bit of self-inflicted pain. Yet, it paled in comparison to the emotions surrounding the tense circumstances. Stubbornness etched itself over his face, as if he didn’t intend to hear another word out of her mouth.

“You don’t make the choices insofar as what I need to know!” She rose in her seat, and her voice escalated, too. “The man I love was almost on his damn deathbed, and you kept it to yourself but then you turn around and have good news, and I don’t get that either! Aaron, you ain’t gone do me like this, ya hear? We’ve got to lay out some rules right
now
because this is some bullshit!”

There. She’d said it. She was fed up and she’d be damned if she didn’t address what was on her mind. Her sweetness was sometimes mistaken for weakness, but just because her tea was like liquid candy didn’t mean she wouldn’t bite back! She had lemon in her veins, and it packed a punch. “Now tell me
why
you did it!”

“’Cause it wasn’t good news as a promise; it was good news as a possibility… There’s a big difference,” he stated in exasperation. “How is gettin’ you all worked up and happy for me to come home to you a good thing if it all goes wrong, and then you have to be told, ‘Oh, sorry, they changed their mind!’” He huffed and shook his head in dismay. “Shit like that happens all the time, Mia. I wasn’t no choirboy; things definitely could have ended
much
differently.”

The noises of an ice machine interrupted the flow of the conversation. Loud, clanking sounds against a cup echoed throughout while customer voices increased in volume all around them. The two paused and looked tensely at one another, until finally, they released their grip around each other’s hearts so that they could simply catch their own breath.

“Sometimes… sometimes it’s too much, Mia…just, too much. I didn’t want to let you down again.” His voice turned froggy and deeper as he looked down at his lap, disappearing within himself right before her eyes. She hated how she burned for him, felt his remorse. It made her struggle with her anger towards the man. She wanted to keep a hold on it, make him do right, explain himself… but his explanation was different than she’d expected. How could she argue with the truth of his concerns?

“I hate the look of disappointment in your eyes. I’ve
seen
it! I hate that I’ve caused you pain. Before I even knew you, I hurt others through my affiliations and beliefs. Do you understand what I have to live with, Mia? Have you thought about this from my point of view? You couldn’t possibly!” He vehemently shook his head and his eyes glossed over before he blinked the emotions away. “You will never understand this, because you’re
not
me. It can’t be reversed… I’ve done what I’ve done! You’re good…
always
been good and… I’m…I’m not.”

“You
are
good, Aaron!”

“I’m not!” He yelled so loud, people turned in his direction.

She stood her ground though, kept her eye on the man. His lids slowly shut and he ran his hand over his face – a face he perhaps no longer recognized.

“I have to
learn
to be good, Mia… I’m trying. You make me want to try harder until I get it right.”

They sat quietly for a moment or two as her appetite soon ceased to exist.

“What is being good, Aaron? Huh? Tell me! Is it being what society says we should be? I’ll do you one better.” She leaned in closer, her breasts pressed into the table as she stared at the man. “Being good, Aaron, is when you know better and
do
better! Give yourself some credit here. Why would I share my life with someone I feel is inherently evil, a leper of morality? A sick person who sees no light and chooses to turn a blind eye in a world of confusion and animosity? What do you take me for?! I was kind to you because that is how you combat hatred and ugliness, Aaron! Your heart was hideous, but you really didn’t want it to be. I knew that from what you shared with me, the things you said… the private, intimate times we’ve shared before we even met. I knew how to deal with you because you taught me how to change you in your own little way.”

“I taught you?” he said in almost a whisper.

“Yes. By your admissions and sharing of private details your life, things you had not discussed with others, you showed me what to do to help you get out of your own way. So, after I learned what you were doing, the ugly thoughts you had… the details… I got over the shock and devised a plan – a plan built in forgiveness and education. You fight hate with love, Aaron! Not more hate, damn it!”

His eyes watered at her declarations, and once again, he blinked those emotions away, yet his slightly trembling hands told the truth…

“You don’t.” He shook his head, clasped his hands, and looked at his nails. “You don’t understand because you can’t.”

He doesn’t think he deserves me. He doesn’t think he deserves to be loved. Everything is hitting him all at once. That’s why he left last night. He couldn’t stand to keep sitting there with me. He… he hates himself. He is filled with so much guilt! Aaron, damn it, don’t do this!

“I’ve stolen so much from you,
robbed
you…and you don’t even know the shit is gone.” He laughed mirthlessly, and the sorrow in his tone took her down.

“What are you talking about?”

He slowly met her gaze.

“Mia,” he said with a swallow. “I can’t tell you every little thing. It’ll get you in trouble. I’m not what I should be, but like I told you, I’m tryin’. It’s because of
you
… I’d sit back in my jail cell sometimes just feelin’ sick to my stomach… I think about some of the stuff I wrote in my letters to you, some of the… some of the ugly things I said, thought, and believed. And how you just sat there, readin’ that shit… havin’ to
see
it! A man that told you he loved you… yet, he hated you, too! And you didn’t say
one
thing. Not one. You just kept on writing to me… but when I looked back at your letters after I wrote those things, I could see you tryin’ a new approach. I couldn’t at the time, but I saw it later. You were my teacher, trying to show me that I was emotionally disabled! I was your student, in need of help! I thought I was sooo smart… so great!” A slow tear dropped from his eye. “I’d clean my damn boots and shine ’em up every morning, Mia. I’d scrub down my floor, ask for the old lemon peel scraps from the cafeteria to clean my dirty ass sink and that stinkin’ toilet but no matter how much I cleaned my body, my clothes and where I laid my head, on the inside… on the inside, Mia, I was
still
a goddamn mess.”

Oh my goodness…that’s why some of his letters smelled like lemon zest…

“Everything I knew was wrong, Mia!
Everything
! And now I have to admit that to myself each and every day and begin again. And you just… you just took it!” He shoved his half eaten sandwich away in a clear fit of self-disgust. “The shit I was dishin’ out. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, Mia… alone, going over it in my mind. My racism, my superiority complex – I believed everything I wrote in those letters – good, bad, and in between. It is still inside of me – the warped concepts, the contempt and hostility. It’s embedded deep within me, in my cells…like a disease. That’s why I’m not good, Mia. I don’t want it, but like the ink over all of my body, it won’t wash off! Do you know how much I hate myself for that?!”

She looked down at the table, and simply shook her head. What could she say? Aaron had to go through this process. The realization of his actions had brought him here; he’d hit rock bottom and, rather than turn that anger on the world, he beat himself against it until he ended up a bloody mess. He didn’t want her bandages, her pain medication, or her comforting words. She knew that now, understood it. No, Aaron lived for the hurt. He wanted to sustain the injuries… to hemorrhage… He wanted a part of him to simply die.

“That was abuse, Mia! I think you’re so used to tryin’ to fix people who are messed up, fucked up, tore up, that you forget – not everyone is fixable.”

“Everyone is forgivable…”

“But everyone ain’t loveable! You felt that I was, so, from a distance you still managed to massage my heart. So when I tell you that you were robbed, it means you really were.”

Yeah, you stole my heart, Aaron… but that’s okay…

“I took a little of the hope you had for the world,” he said, pointing to himself. “I needed…to stop…stealin’ from you, Mia. I’d drained you dry.” He shook his head as if in disgust. “That’s why I didn’t tell you I’d gotten hurt. That’s why I didn’t tell you about the court case. I never count my chickens before they’re hatched. I learned that lesson the hard way. I made you feed my ego, make me feel important, and you did. You managed to make my days go from terrible to great, even behind bars. Do you know how happy I’d get when they’d come and give me your letters and care packages?” His eyes twinkled, this time with a bit of joy.

She smiled weakly.

“You don’t know; how
could
you know? But those letters, even the ones where I could see you were gettin’ fed up with my ways, did something to me. They rehabilitated me, Mia. It took patience and a strong person to be able to do what you did.” He swiped at his eye, refusing to break down. “You were so nice to me… smart… sweet. I thought you’d make me a good wife. I found out you were
more
than I ever realized, the type of woman men like me dream about but don’t believe really exist. You were not only what I wanted but what I needed and it didn’t take long for me to figure it out. It got to the point, Mia… that… I didn’t care what race you were.”