Wonderland (13 page)

T
he phone rang again. “Hello, Jesse,” I answered.

“Hey, are you going out tonight? Hatter's playing, we're going . . .”

“No, I haven't heard from Steven yet, thanks for asking.”

“Chill, Alex, I figured if you had, you'd've called.”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to snap.”

“You're stressed, I get that. Dancing is the best distraction.”

“Yes, I'm going out.”

“Brandon's working.”

“We're good actually. I ran into Allan and he fixed everything.”

“Excellent! So see you tonight?”

“Yes. Jesse, why have we been hooking up?”

“What do you mean?”

“You, Colton, me, it's just been so sexual lately. It's just weird.”

“Are you beating yourself up because Steven's missing?”

“Doesn't it seem like sex should be the furthest thing from my mind?”

“You're a guy. Sex is never far from your mind. And besides, the first time we hooked up, you didn't know Steven was missing.”

“That almost makes it worse.”

“It's just sex, Alex. It doesn't mean you're not concerned. But if it's making you feel that bad, we can stop it. I'll talk to Colton, we can stop the flirting, stop the kissing—”

“Oh come on. Flirting is fine.”

“Well, where's the line, Alex?”

“We just can't do stuff. Not when I'm with Steven.”

“That's fair. We'll behave tonight. Promise.”

“You never behave.”

“Well, we'll
try.
See you tonight?”

“See you.”

“Be sure to douche.”

“Jesse!”

“Sorry, couldn't resist!” He hung up.

I did a U-turn and started heading back into the city. It wasn't a relaxing drive anymore, not with everyone calling. The phone rang again, with a text from Aaron, suggesting we meet at a trattoria downtown. It was a little intimate, but the food was amazing. I'd no sooner replied than the phone rang again.

It was him!

“Hello? Look, I'm sorry I missed your call before, if there was a way I could call you—”

“I'm not that stupid. You should be around your phone. Clearly he doesn't mean that much to you.”

“He does! Just tell me what I have to do to get him back.”

“Wonderland tomorrow night.”

“Yes! For the Queen of Hearts show. I get it. But why there? What do you want? Just tell me.”

“One more day, and you'll know.”

“Is Steven all right? Let me talk to him.”

“I guess there's no harm in that. Oh Stevie, your supposed boyfriend wants to talk to you.” I could hear rustling and shuffling and then Steven's voice. “Alex!”

“Steven? Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Yes I'm okay. I miss you. I'm so sorry. I can't believe the last thing I did was tell you I never wanted to see you again. I love you!”

“I love you too! Where are you? Who has you?”

“Okay, that's enough.” Steven was gone, just like that.

“Put him back on.”

“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Good-bye, Alex.”

“Wait! Don't hang up!” But the line was silent.

“Fuck!” I screamed out, slamming down on the gas. As the car sped along, I screamed.

B
y the time I got through the traffic and got back home, it was nearly time to start getting ready for dinner. My appetite was pretty much gone, though. The desperation in Steven's voice had come through the phone lines and ripped out my heart. I showered, and then stood there, looking at my reflection in the steamed-up mirror. I wasn't happy with what I saw. I wasn't happy with what I'd done, and I didn't know what I was going to do.

Whatever it took to get Steven back, yes, but what about in the meantime?

I drove to the restaurant, and got us a table. It was already starting to get dark, and the candles were lit on all the tables. It was a little more intimate than I'd remembered. I wondered if Aaron knew it was so romantic, wondered if that's why he'd chosen here. Had he been hoping for over two years that there was still a chance for us?

No, he'd seemed resigned to it, and quite content just to ride this nostalgic wave for a few days. It was the timing that was throwing me, spending time with him when I was so worried about Steven. I made a vow that nothing would happen. I wouldn't even kiss him good-bye tonight. It just brought too many conflicting emotions to the surface and I wasn't capable of processing them all.

I looked up to see Aaron coming toward me. He was smiling, and he was handsome. I made a point of not getting up when he got to the table, that way there'd be no hello hug that lasted a second too long, no inappropriate inhaling of his scent. He leaned down, kissed my cheek, sat down.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

“Shall we get some wine?”

Wine, I figured, was a bad idea. “Sure.” Now why had I said that?

Our server came, and Aaron ordered a bottle of Sauv Blanc. We made small talk, and then we perused the menu in silence, then we ordered. Then he said, “I'd like to propose a toast. To us. To reconnecting and moving forward.” That seemed innocuous enough. I raised my glass, and we clinked, our eyes never leaving each other's.

“So has anything developed?”

“He called this afternoon. I have to go to this big drag thing tomorrow at Wonderland.”

“A drag show?”

“I know, right? It doesn't make sense, but that's all I know. I'm really considering involving the police.”

“Well, if he's going to hurt Steven, though . . .”

“That's why I haven't . . . but it's been nearly a week, Aaron.”

“What could he possibly want from you at a bar for a drag show?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. I really have no idea. If he's at the bar, if he shows himself, I'll have backup. Jesse and Colton, Dinah and Twitten—”

“Twitten?”

“Christopher. Her fiancé. You know, I can't remember why I started calling him that. He was just a twit when we first met.”

“Well, I'm glad you won't be facing it alone. Especially if he's a lunatic.”

“Me too. Look, can we talk about something else? I mean, this has been consuming my thoughts now for so long, and I just want to not think about it. At least for dinner.”

“Absolutely. Whatever you want, Alex. What are you doing after dinner?” He raised an eyebrow, but was it an invitation or just innocent? And why was I even debating that? I was not going home with Aaron.

“I'm meeting the gang at the bar. Brandon wants to buy me a few drinks to make up for the whole Allan misunderstanding, and Jesse and Colton want to go dancing.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Feel free to come with,” I said, knowing it was a safe offer. The whole time we were together, I could count on both hands the number of times Aaron and I had gone out dancing.

“Sure! Thanks!” That was unexpected, and perhaps unfortunate, but the offer, now accepted, couldn't be taken back. “If I'm going dancing, we're going to need another bottle of wine though.” He finished off his glass, and topped both of ours off. “I'm glad this isn't awkward. It's good being friends with exes, right?”

“That's what I've always wanted for us, Aaron.”

“I know. I was just so hurt when you up and left.”

“You really didn't see it coming? You really didn't feel that we were just in a rut?”

“I liked our rut. I was comfortable in our rut.”

“You never thought that there should be more?”

“Never once. You know, sometimes, if you spend too much time looking for more, you miss out on the great thing you have.”

The conversation had waded into a place I hadn't expected, but if I was going to do this right, then it was time we had the talk. Our food came, and another bottle of wine, and I told him how I'd felt so directionless, so adrift. How frustrated I would get that we would do the same thing, week in and week out, and how frustrating it had been that he had seemed so happy with it. How our sex life was as predictable as everything else.

He retaliated in kind, telling me that he'd been perfectly content with our sex life, our social life, our home life, and how disappointing it had been that I would always make him feel like that that life wasn't good enough, that he wasn't good enough. By the end of the second bottle, we'd both cried a little, and our fingers were intertwined in the middle of the table.

“So I guess we were just at cross purposes then,” I said, sniffling a little, “and there was nothing we could have done.”

“You could have told me all this. We could have tried something.”

“Every time I tried, you would close down. You never wanted to try anything new, to do anything new. What we had was still working for you, even though it wasn't for me. That's why it had to stop. I had to change.”

“Well, I'll do something new now. Let's go dancing.”

I looked at my watch. “Wow, yeah, look at the time. Again.” We smiled at each other, and I reached out to lift one of his curls that had fallen across his forehead. The gesture was far too intimate, so to break the moment, I asked, “Is dinner on you or did you forget your wallet again?”

“Very funny, Alex. Actually, I couldn't find it, but I grabbed cash, so yes, dinner's on me.”

“Damn! I'd have ordered dessert.”

“Maybe dessert can be arranged.”

“Aaron, don't.”

“Sorry, sorry, I won't. I know you have a new life now.” He paused and smiled. “I'm glad I'm a part of it again though.”

“I am too.” And I was.

W
e were both probably too drunk to drive, but we had to do something with our cars. I followed Aaron back to the hotel he was staying at, then he got in my car, and we drove to my place. The plan was to leave the car there, and then walk to the club so we wouldn't have to deal with driving after a few more drinks.

“Can I see your apartment?” he asked.

I couldn't think of any reason to say no, so I took him up and gave him the tour. It felt weird, too weird, and maybe a little like cheating, to have Aaron in my apartment. In fact, it felt more like cheating than the actual cheating had. There was an intimacy to showing him where I slept, where Steven and I made love. Griffin was happy to see him though.

“I missed this fur ball,” Aaron said, cuddling Griffin to his face.

“You hated him.”

“I know.” He held him out at arm's length. “Strange what you miss when it's gone.” He looked at me.

“We should go.”

“Yes, we better.”

As I was locking up, I was all too aware of Aaron standing beside me. From across the hall, I heard the Walrus shuffling about. It reminded me to ask Jesse what they'd talked about, and to maybe get him a little something for not pressing charges after our B&E. I still had the spare key, too. I needed to get that back to Mr. C.

“So what's this bar like?” Aaron asked as we walked. “Same as 314?”

I couldn't help but laugh. The little gay bar back home, 314, had a dance floor that barely got used on weekends. “No, not really. This place is not the same as anywhere.”

“It's just a bar, Alex.”

“If you say so.” I smirked, remembering the first time Steven had taken me to Wonderland. “Okay, prepare to be amazed.”

Security checked our IDs and opened the door. Immediately, the Hatter's bass pumped into our faces. The stairwell was all swirling color. We rounded the corner of the staircase, and it was a sea of men.

“Holy shit!” Aaron said.

I laughed. “Told you. C'mon, let's get a drink.” I took his hand and led him to the bar, where Brandon greeted me with a smile and a hug.

“I'm glad you made it down,” he said. “Who's this?”

“Brandon, Aaron. Aaron, Brandon.” Brandon raised an eyebrow at the name, then cracked us both beers. “Are the twins here yet?”

“They're around somewhere.” He leaned across the bar to kiss my cheek. “What's with this?”

“Tell you later,” I replied.

“Alex!” I was lifted up into the air from behind. Jesse spun me around, and then dropped me in front of Colton, who did the same.

“Who's this?” they asked, as I steadied myself. I did the introductions, earning some more raised eyebrows. Jesse then bought a round of shots, and we tipped them back.

“Oh, I love this song! Let's dance!” He grabbed both my and Aaron's hands and dragged us to the dance floor.

As we danced, Jesse yelled into my ear, “I didn't realize he was so hot.”

“Hands off!” I said, laughing but also feeling a twinge of possessiveness.

“Hey, you said hands off you. He's fair game.”

Colton was grinding into Aaron, who was looking a bit bewildered. We were in a crush of people, hands in the air, everyone singing along to the music at full blast. I caught Aaron's eye and smiled. He grinned back, and slipped away from Colton and toward me.

“I like your friends!”

“I can see that.”

“Are they always so touchy?”

“Pretty much.”

“Have you ever . . . you know?”

I thought about last Friday night, and then thought about Katy Perry, and then thought about the shower scene from the morning before. I stuck my tongue out at Aaron. “A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.”

“Since when are you a gentleman?”

“Shooter?”

“Sure.”

We fought our way back to the bar, and slid up to the side, avoiding the lineup that was forming. Waving Brandon over, I ordered a couple more tequila shots. “Drink me!” We licked the salt, downed the shot, sucked the lime, then did it again.

The twins joined us for more shots, and we talked and laughed and drank and danced and laughed and drank. I couldn't think of another time that Aaron and I had actually had fun out at a club together, and told him that. He winked and said, “I told you, anything can change,” and then he went off to dance with the twins while I nursed my beer.

Allan slid past me and gave me a hug. “Glad you made it. Can I get you another drink?” Had Allan bought a round? I couldn't remember. My face was on fire, and the room was blurring. This wasn't right. What was wrong with me?

I was spinning already. “I'm good right now. A little bombed actually.”

He leaned in close. “Want a little something to wake you up?” He sniffed suggestively. I didn't. It was a bad idea. It was the cause of so many of my problems. But it was like the room was pulling away from me! How drunk was I? “Why the hell not?” It could only sober me up, and that couldn't be bad.

The boys were dancing. I followed Allan into the bathroom, bracing myself against the walls. The lights were painful. Allan checked his hair as we waited for an available stall. As soon as a door opened, we slid in, locking it behind us. I slumped against the metal stall. Allan's face was surrounded by a halo of light. He dumped some coke out onto his hand and lifted it to my face. “C'mon,” he said. “Sniff.” He took my face with one hand, pulled it toward his other hand. His skin was soft and his eyes were blue and the coke burned through me. I let out a small moan. He smiled and then treated himself.

“Thanks,” I said, closing my eyes and savoring the freshness of the high. I tried to catch my breath, but it caught in my chest. What was wrong with me?

“You're welcome.” And he kissed me. I pulled back.

“What are you doing?”

“I figured why not? Brandon wants to take you home with us some night. Might as well get a sneak peek.” His hand was on my jeans, undoing the button.

“Allan, stop, we can't do this.” I tried to slap his hand away and missed.

“Sure we can.” His hand wrapped around my dick, and I was instantly hard.

“No, we can't.” I pulled his hand out, regrettably. He was cute, and I was drunk, but I couldn't. There was disappointment in his baby blues. “You're cute, but with everything going on, we just can't.”

“Well, don't make a big deal out of it. I was just offering!”

“Don't get pissy!” Really? He was going to blow up again?

“Don't tell Brandon about this.” He grabbed my crotch through the jeans and squeezed. “I'll rip your fucking nuts off.” He stormed out of the stall.

What a fucking nut job, I thought, and left the stall, to be replaced by two more twinks, giggling as they locked the door behind them. I splashed some water on my face. The coke was working and the room was slower now. I went out to find Aaron and the twins.