Wolf Ways (The Madison Wolves Book 9) (22 page)

I considered it. “We can talk about it another time,” I agreed. I climbed to my feet, Michaela offering additional assistance. I brushed off a little further and catalogued my injuries. Nothing was broken, but I knew I was going to be sore for a day or two, and our game was only half over. Michaela turned me towards her.

“I wouldn’t have been surprised,” she said, “but if I had been, I probably would have reacted in a similar fashion.”

“Perhaps, but you would have handled it in your graceful fashion. You wouldn’t have tripped all over yourself and nearly crushed your alpha when you fell.”

She smiled. “Don’t worry about me. It wasn’t even close.”

“I think I brushed your tail as I fell.”

“Pshaw. Like I said, not even close.”

I didn’t respond to that. Instead I turned to the trail. “Let’s finish this. Now that Lara has won, does that mean she won’t jump over me any further?”

“She gets two more tries to notch up the score.”

I sighed. “Let’s finish this,” I repeated and began moving down the path, slowly at first as I worked more of the kinks out. A moment later, Michaela was back in fur, moving alongside me. Lara disappeared into the underbrush.

All was quiet for about two hundred yards. I was moving more slowly, but Michaela didn’t try to hurry me.

Then, from a tree leaning over the trail, a silver wolf was leaping at me. Of course I screamed and ducked. The wolf landed on the ground behind me and a moment later was chuffing happily. I straightened and turned to face Elisabeth. “Very sneaky, Wolf,” I told her. “I’m not sure it counts as jumping over me if you start from a tree.”

I glanced at Michaela. She was watching both of us, her head cocked. Then she huffed.

“Is that agreement that it doesn’t count, or a huff as a point for Elisabeth.” In response, she stepped over and bumped against Elisabeth.

Lara’s last two leaps were a little easier on me. Perhaps she wanted to give me a fighting chance, or perhaps she was worried about what I had said. For each jump, she gave me plenty of warning, and I avoided screaming. But I caught my breath both times, anyway, and I flinched as well. While I did better than I had been, I still didn’t consider either of them as a point to me, and Michaela huffed for each.

Elisabeth’s fourth leap wasn’t bad, either, and Michaela chuffed for me. I was now two-two with Elisabeth. She disappeared into the brush, and I began moving down the path. “She’s going to do something special, isn’t she?” I asked. Michaela and Lara both chuffed.

She played to win. I was able to move into a jog, finally loosened up from my fall. And then from behind me, I heard a rising growl. It struck me right at the core, and I was suddenly filled with fear. I turned my head over my shoulder to see Elisabeth racing after me. By the time she leaped, she was in full werewolf growl. A part of me noticed her hackles were raised, and I caught a flash of deadly claws.

She leapt, and I screamed, cowered, and fell on my ass as Elisabeth soared well over my head.

I came to a stop on my back again, staring up into the leaves overhead, then rolled onto my side and curled into a ball, my heart pounding. I made myself as small as I could and instinctively protected my vulnerable belly from the predator.

I think I whimpered.

The wolves gave me room, although Michaela stepped over to stand in front of me where I could see her. She lay down in front of me, our noses not that far apart. I stared into her eyes before closing mine.

It took time — I couldn’t say how long — before I finally got my heart under control. I was sure I was giving off fear scent, which simply added to my embarrassment.

No one said a thing.

But then I felt a wolf behind me; I presumed it was Elisabeth. She settled down against my back, her chin resting on my shoulder. A moment later, another wolf settled down next to Michaela, adding her chin over one of my legs.

We lay together like that for a few minutes. Finally I opened my eyes and found myself staring into Michaela’s. I glanced down and verified it was Lara’s head on my knees. I curled an arm up and buried my fingers in Elisabeth’s fur, massaging the ear I could reach. She made a sound of appreciation.

“Scaredy-human,” I muttered. In response, Michaela stretched out and licked my nose. I wiped the resulting moisture away. She panted at me, a foxy laugh, I presumed. I struggled to sit up, which was hampered by neither Elisabeth nor Lara lifting their heads from me. I wondered if that was meant as more humor, but they didn’t do more to stop me, and I climbed to my feet. “I have no idea how far we’ve come.” Then I looked around. “Nor do I remember which way we were going.”

Michaela chuffed and began prancing down the path. The wolves and I hurried after her. Well, I hurried. I’m sure, for the wolves, it was nothing.

But Michaela set an easy pace, a fast walk for me.  Her walking pace was slower, but she loped, and even, to a lesser extent, so did the wolves. I realized that my walking stride was longer than theirs, but they were quite comfortable bouncing along, and I’m sure could have moved much faster for a long, long time.

We walked deeper into the forest for perhaps another ten minutes. And then, very faintly, I heard a howl from well ahead of us. Michaela came to a stop and turned to her mate. They communicated wordlessly, and then Lara lifted her nose and howled three long howls.

I was grinning by the time she finished. I loved listening to them howl, although all of them together could be a bit much.

There was another distant, answering howl.

It took about two minutes. Periodically, Lara howled, and there were answers, growing rapidly closer. Then, bursting through the underbrush and running along the trail, all the wolves surrounded us, Rebecca and Celeste amongst them. Fresh greetings were exchanged, and the wolves frolicked for a minute. Then Michaela shifted into human. “I think it’s time for a hunt. We could use fresh venison.”

She turned to me. “You won’t be able to keep up.”

I wouldn’t have wanted to. I knew they hunted, but I didn’t need to bear witness.

“No problem,” I said. I gestured. “This path leads back to the house, right?”

“Yes. Do you need an escort?”

It was growing dark under the trees. “No. I’ll have to walk, but I’ll be fine. I think in the future I’ll bring a light.”

After that, I didn’t wait. I turned down the trail and walked away. No one stopped me.

It was full dark by the time I reached the compound. I didn’t encounter everyone. I moved to sit on the porch, my elbows on my knees and my chin resting in my hands.

I couldn’t tell for myself, but I was sure I stank of fear. I was sore and knew I was going to stiffen up. I needed ibuprofen and a hot bath.

I glanced at the woods were, somewhere, not very many miles away, a group of people was hunting down a helpless creature. I knew they were werewolves. I knew this was something they needed to do. I knew all that. But I still found it disturbing.

Amongst those people was the woman I had been dating. I found her fascinating and truly awe-inspiring. I loved watching her. Most of the time, I enjoyed her company. But I didn’t know what kind of relationship we had. Oh, we had great sex. But lately, what else did we have? She’d largely ignored me on the trip, and when she came over last night, it had clearly been a booty call. What did we have in common?

I couldn’t think of a single thing. We couldn’t have been much different.

But I knew this about her: she was willing to make me afraid of her to win a wager, a wager I hadn’t even wanted.

I thought about that. Michaela had given the point to Elisabeth, but I was supposed to turn submissive to a growling wolf. Wasn’t that what they had told me? Wasn’t that the expectation?

Was I supposed to have stood up to her as she growled at me? I didn’t think so, even if the growl was as part of a game.

Michaela was wrong. I didn’t belong here.

I climbed to my feet and headed to my car.

I was soaking in my tub when the phone rang. I thought it might, so I had set it on a stool next to the tub along with a towel to dry my hands. I dried my hands and answered the phone, putting it on speaker.

“Hello, Elisabeth.”

“Are you all right?”

“Of course,” I said. “I took some ibuprofen and I’m soaking in the tub.”

She was quiet for a moment then asked, “Why did you leave?”

Why did I leave? What sort of answer did I want to give her?

“I didn’t know how long you would be.” And I didn’t want to be there when they returned, dragging a deer carcass with them.

And I didn’t belong there. I wasn’t a wolf or a fox. I was just a human. I left that unsaid.

Again there was a pause. “Were you upset we went for a hunt?”

“No.” Yes, but I couldn’t say that. “I know you hunt. I know you need to hunt, and you need meat. I can’t expect you to live by the rules I set for myself.” On the other hand, I didn’t have to give tacit agreement by sticking around for it, either.

There was a great deal I wasn’t saying. Was I wrong to hold my tongue? I couldn’t decide. But I didn’t see how telling her that yes, I found their hunts upsetting was going to help anything.

“Were you mad about the game?”

“It was my own fault,” I said. “I shouldn’t have teased Lara. I forgot my place. It may have been worse if Michaela hadn’t stepped in.” I wasn’t sure what Lara would have done to put me in my place, but I was sure it wouldn’t have been any easier to handle.

“That’s not what I asked,” Elisabeth said. “I asked if you were mad about it.”

“I’m not mad about anything, Elisabeth.” That was the truth. Well, if I was mad at all, it was at myself. “I didn’t enjoy the game. I wouldn’t have suggested it, and I certainly wouldn’t have suggested such an expensive wager.  I think 11 days of labor is excessive punishment for one slip of the tongue. I guess that’s what happens to someone who doesn’t mind her tongue better. But I’m not mad.”

“But you’re at home sulking.”

“I’m at home
soaking
,” I said. “Do you have any idea what it means to hurt?”

“Of course I do,” she said.

“Really? When was the last time you felt your muscles stiffening up like mine are right now? When was the last time you had bruises that lasted a week? When was the last time you knew you were going to have a hard time sleeping because your body ached?”

She didn’t say anything.

“I don’t know what it’s like to be in fur,” I said. “I don’t know what goes through your mind. I don’t understand a great deal about what it’s like to be you. But I think perhaps there’s a great deal about me that you don’t understand, either. And I don’t believe either of us is equipped to really understand, are we?”

“Maybe not,” she answered quietly. “But you could have soaked here.”

“I don’t have an apartment there.”

She made a sound of disgust. “You know you could have soaked in my tub, Zoe.”

“I didn’t have an invitation,” I said. “And it wasn’t like we’d actually exchanged more than two sentences all night.”

“So that’s what you’re mad about? I didn’t give you enough attention?”

“Why are you picking a fight?” I asked. “I said I wasn’t mad. I didn’t complain about a single thing.”

“You just complained I didn’t talk to you, and you complained about Michaela’s wager.”

“You’re the one pushing this, Elisabeth,” I said. “I wasn’t complaining; I was stating simple facts. And I wouldn’t even have done that if you hadn’t pushed. I told you I wasn’t mad, but if you continue to make accusations, I could start. Would that help?”

“If you wanted to talk to me, you could have walked over and talked to me.”

I thought about that. She was right, but I wasn’t quite ready to admit to my share of the problem.

“You looked busy, and I didn’t want to break into your existing conversations.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” I trailed off. In the past, I wouldn’t have behaved like I had tonight — or on the trip, either. In the past, I would have walked straight to my girlfriend and simply assumed I was first in her life. Why hadn’t I done that?

Because I was convinced I wasn’t first. And maybe I didn’t believe I deserved to be first or could hope to be first.

“What are we doing, Elisabeth?” I asked softly. She still managed to hear me.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Do you want me to come over?”

“No, not tonight.”

“Dinner tomorrow,” she countered. “I’ll pick you up.”

I thought about it. “Elisabeth, I could easily fall hopelessly in love with you.” She didn’t respond. “You’re brilliant and sexy. But if you can’t say the same, then I want to know what we’re doing.”

She paused, and then she said, “Dinner tomorrow.”

“All right. Tomorrow.”

But she didn’t say goodnight. Instead she said, “I care about you, Zoe.” She paused again. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I don’t like doing this over the phone.”

“All right. Good night, Elisabeth. Thank you for calling.”

“I hope the soak helps. I’m sorry, Zoe. We were too rough.”

“It was my own fault. I tripped over my own feet.”

“Good night,” she said. And we clicked off.

* * * *

I slept poorly, both because I hurt and because I didn’t know what was going on between us. Was she coming to sweep me off my feet? Could she convince me I was wrong? Or was she coming to agree with me?

Could I love her? I was sure if she put any effort into it, she’d have me wrapped around her finger. I already thought she was nearly perfect, but I wasn’t sure if my mind was clouded by what she was.

I was still in awe, these months later.

Was I messing things up? When she arrived, should I beg her forgiveness and try to be whatever it was she wanted?

She’d give me a good life; I was sure of that. I’d be safe and well cared for. I’d lack for nothing.

Was that true?

If she didn’t love me, I’d lack for love.

Would I have friends? Perhaps.

Would I be respected? I wasn’t too sure about that. I didn’t feel I had anything any of them found worth respecting. I could see the respect they had for each other, but I wasn’t anything they seemed to covet or respect. I wasn’t rich or powerful. I certainly wasn’t strong or fast.

Could I be happy if she didn’t love me? If she didn’t respect me? Would I just be the human pet?

That was an ironic thought. She was the one that looked like a pet, not me.

I slept, but it was fitful, and sometime in the middle of the night, I took more ibuprofen.

I was ragged by morning, and I felt every single one of my years, and then some. I popped more ibuprofen and stood under the shower for a long, long time.

After that, I kept myself busy until late afternoon. I made some calls related to an upcoming GreEN event, worked on some of my photographs from the diving trip, and found other ways to distract myself.

More or less.

At four, I gave up. I took another hot bath, soaking for a long time before climbing out of the tub. September was here, but it was a nice day outside, so I wore a light dress and selected a pashmina in case it grew chilly later.

Then I did some surfing while I waited for Elisabeth.

An hour later there was a knock at the door. I guess when you are the pack head enforcer and your sister owns the building, the security guard doesn’t announce you. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

I hurried to the door, peeked to be sure it was she, and then opened. We stood there, staring at each other for a minute.

She was dressed in her professional clothes, a grey pantsuit. As she always did, she looked amazing, and I couldn’t help but smile. We might be having difficulties, but this amazing woman was here to see me.

“Hey,” I said in a soft voice.

“Hey,” she echoed, stepping into the apartment. I closed the door and moved into her arms.

We kissed, but it wasn’t as warm as I might have preferred. But then when she lightened her arms around me, I refused to let her go, laying my head against her shoulder. I breathed her in deeply.

We stayed like that for a minute or so. I didn’t want to let her go. As long as she held me like this, I could believe the best. I could believe all would be right with the world, or at least my little corner of it.

“We should go,” she said finally. “We have reservations.”

“Oh,” I said. “Right. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “You feel good.”

I stepped away, collected my shoes and pashmina, and we headed out.

She didn’t hold my hand on the way to her car, but she did have a hand at the center of my back, directing me. I’d found that all the wolves did this. I’d watched Lara and Serena both do it with Michaela. Elisabeth, Portia, Karen and even Monique had found ways to guide me where they wanted me. I didn’t have enough experience to know if it went beyond the fox and me.

There was a time I would have found it, oh, I don’t know. Maybe condescending. But when Elisabeth did it, it felt comforting. I wondered if I would always feel that way.

She was driving her SUV tonight, and she handed me into the car. “Very gallant,” I said, settling into the seat. She just nodded and gently closed the door for me.

I didn’t ask where we were going; I was pretty sure it would be The Green Room. Instead, during the drive, we exchanged notes for the day. I told her what I had done. She told me about business meetings Lara had held.

“Do you have to protect her?”

“Not necessarily, but we don’t let her go anywhere without some sort of escort.”

“But Karen is her head of security.”

“Yes, but Karen doesn’t have a business degree.”

“She relies on your opinion.”

“Yes, she relies on my opinion.”

I thought about it and realized that was another way we were different; no one relied on my opinion. I had to fight to get anyone to listen to me, and it occurred to me that’s how I’d spent most of my life.

I was wondering why I cared. Why did I fight so hard? Why did I fight so hard for GreEN? Why was I so convinced I was right.

“Elisabeth?”

“Yes?”

“Do you…” I stopped and looked out the window.

“Do I what?”

“What is your opinion of what I do for GreEN?”

“I think you’re very passionate.”

I didn’t say anything but continued to watch the world roll past the window.

“That wasn’t what you wanted to hear, was it?”

“You think I’m wasting my time. Maybe you even think I’m wrong.”

“I don’t think either of those things,” she said. “And it’s not fair of you to assume.”

I turned back to look at her. She glanced over. “I didn’t ask about my emotional state; I asked about what I do, and you answered with a response about my zeal, not about the worth of my goals.”

“All right,” she replied. “I liken you to Don Quixote.”

I looked back out the window. “I’m looking at windmills and seeing dragons?”

“No. But I think you’re fighting a losing fight.”

“It’s an important fight,” I replied hotly.

“I agree. I would argue that Lara and Michaela are accomplishing more in the fight than you are, and I would argue that you could accomplish more than you do.”

I turned to glare at her.

“You asked,” she said defensively.

“You think I’m ineffective.”

“I think economics is going to win.”

“That’s a path to complete, utter ruin!”

“I agree.”

“So… You’re not making sense!”

“That’s because it’s a complicated topic,” she replied. “Give me a few concrete things that you feel need to happen.”

“We need to stop burning fossil fuels!”

“Okay, good,” Elisabeth replied. “What have you done about it?”

“I work to educate people!”

“What is the path to freeing us from fossil fuels?” she asked.

“Exploration and implementation of alternative sources of energy.”

“Good,” she said. “Such as wind turbines?”

“Exactly.”

“All right. How many wind turbines has GreEN erected in Wisconsin?”

“But they’re expensive!”

She pulled into the parking lot for The Green Room, parked, and turned to me. “I could be wrong on this, Zoe, but it seems to me there’s something different you could be doing.”

“What?”

“You could find ways to pay for wind turbines.”

“But…”

“But what?” she asked. “The one Lara put up was expensive, but you wouldn’t have to start that big.”

“I barely have two pennies to rub together!”

“Try thinking outside the box,” she said. “You’re a smart woman.”