Without a Mother's Love (27 page)

In the bedchamber, Mary was laying out a silken nightgown. ‘Shall I fetch your hot water now, madam?’ she asked.

‘Yes. And I need you to brush my hair tonight.’ Olivia began to unpin her lace cap and loosen the curls.

The silk felt luxurious against her clean, scented skin as she lay awake, waiting. She was a mature woman now, not the young girl he had married.

She must have dozed for it was quite dark when she was roused by Hesley joining her in the bed. The smell of cigars and whisky reminded her of her uncle and she recoiled but he did not notice. He lay flat on his back and said, ‘Grandfather wants an heir as soon as possible.’

‘Don’t you?’

‘Does it matter what I want?’

Olivia did not know what to say. He did not seem to desire her in that way.

‘Get on with it then,’ he said. ‘See what you can do.’

She was unsure what he meant and hesitated.

‘Go on,’ he repeated. ‘Do you not remember what I like?’

Olivia was glad that it was dark. Her hand crept slowly round to explore him. He was soft and flaccid. She fondled him gently but there was no response. She did not know what else to do. Perhaps kiss him. She turned her head to find his lips.

‘If you want to kiss me, kiss this!’ His own hands had joined hers to bring on an arousal.

Shocked, she allowed him to push her fingers out of the way but still nothing happened. What was wrong with him? She remembered her wedding night when he had asked her to take off her nightgown and had been immediately aroused. ‘Take off your nightshirt,’ she whispered. She threw back the covers and lit the candle before slipping her silk nightgown over her head. Her body had matured and she stood for a second in the light.

She was further shocked by the sight of his scrawny white body and legs. he used to be so muscled and sturdy. What had happened to him?

‘Use your mouth,’ he breathed hoarsely.

She had no idea what he meant. ‘Where?’ she asked nervously.

‘Oh, God.’ He groaned. ‘Must I show you
everything
?’

He gave up and rolled away from her. She was left staring at his narrow, curved back and bony shoulders. She didn’t mind that he didn’t want her. But if he was impotent, how was she to have a child? Perhaps the journey had sapped his energy. She replaced her nightgown and blew out the candle. Perhaps tomorrow would be better.

It was not. Nor the night after or the night after that. When she asked what she might do for him, he scorned her. She realized then that the drink had weakened him. He took so much of it. Much more than he had before he had gone away. She searched her books and journals for remedies and tried to discuss them with him when they were alone in their bed, but he shouted at her to stop.

‘Nothing works!’ he yelled. ‘Do you think I have not tried?’

‘But - but how shall I become with child if you cannot—’

‘If you dare to breathe a word of this to anyone, I’ll kill you!’ He said this with such venom that she really thought he might. ‘The fault lies with you. Is that clear?’ he added.

It was a statement that set the pattern for her new life as Hesley’s wife.

 

Harriet thought Anna was nothing short of a saint. Her efforts for those less fortunate than herself were tireless, and the secret that Harriet harboured about her past became an increasing burden for her to bear. Anna did not press her for details, but it lay heavy on Harriet’s shoulders, especially when they walked the three miles to the nearest chapel for Sunday service. Dissenters had different views about God’s work from those of the church she had known at Blackstone and Hill Top House. But it was the same God and she listened with interest to their teachings.

All can know that they are saved. Harriet thought that Anna and Tobias had saved her, but if she had their forgiveness for her past, she would
know
that she was saved. Tobias and Anna were such kind and generous people that she could not keep her secret from them for ever. They would be fair and not condemn her, only ask if she had repented and she had.

When Tobias visited them he embraced Harriet as warmly as he did his sister. He enquired about her work and they talked. They talked so much that Anna sent them for walks together while she prepared dinner and Harriet felt welcome at his side as he encouraged her conversation.

He praised her efforts in the classroom. ‘The board of governors said, in their last report, that they continue to have the services of an excellent teacher supported by the Wesleyan mission. That is you, Harriet,’ he told her. ‘They sent a formal acknowledgement of their gratitude to the chapel elders. We have you to thank for that.’

Harriet was thrilled to be honoured in this way, and more so as the knowledge came from Tobias. ‘I do what I can. I cannot help all the poor souls inside the asylum and there are many of them, I know.’

‘The doctor and his nurses do their best.’

‘Yes. I have suggested that a pupil teacher should help me. That is how I learned at Blackstone and an able gentlewoman is willing.’

‘Really?’

‘She is educated, although she was of a stubborn disposition until she started at my class. She is much improved now, but her father will have nothing to do with her. They have means and pay well to keep her here, so there is no hope of her leaving.’

‘What does the doctor say?’

‘He thinks it will be more fulfilling for her to be of help to others and has recommended it.’

Tobias stopped and turned to face her. He placed his hands gently on her shoulders and said, ‘You have done a first-rate job here.’

Harriet’s eyes sparkled at such a compliment from an educated gentleman she respected. Her feelings for Tobias were developing into more than those of friendship, and she dared to hope that one day he might return them. But she worried that she was deceiving him in not owning up to her past.

‘I cannot do it without the benefactors Anna finds,’ she replied seriously.

‘Anna is the first to admit that she is not half the teacher you are. We are both very proud of you.’

Harriet gazed at the sincerity in his eyes. There were dark circles and lines around them, and his hair was greying at the temples, but in her eyes he was the most handsome gentleman she had ever seen, and he was strong. He was strong in mind as well as body, and she loved him. She must tell him of her sins. But when? she thought nervously. And how?

They had butcher’s meat for dinner, boiled with barley, onion and carrot. Anna mixed dumplings on their return and when it was all ready the three sat down to a feast. After saying grace, they ate silently and hungrily.

‘I have something to tell you,’ Harriet said, when they had finished. ‘Something about my past. Something sinful.’

Anna stacked the plates. ‘I’ll make tea,’ she volunteered, without looking at her brother.

Tobias sat back in his chair. ‘You are a good woman, Harriet. We are celebrating your success.You need not distress yourself in this way tonight.’

‘Oh, but I must. I know that I have sinned and that the chapel will forgive me if I repent. But I feel I am betraying your trust by accepting your goodwill without owning my past.’ She looked down at her hands, twisting in her lap, and added quietly, ‘I cannot deceive you any longer.’

Anna brought the teapot and stoneware mugs to the table. She poured in silence, waiting for Harriet to speak.

‘If it will unburden your conscience, then we shall listen,’ Tobias replied.

She took a deep breath. ‘You did not press me about the time I spent as a governess after Blackstone and I am grateful for that. I was so - so proud of the work I did with my pupil and I - I tried so hard to keep it from her but - but—’ In her anxiety, Harriet pulled restlessly at her fingers.

‘We are your friends.’

It was Tobias who had spoken. She looked up at his serious face and wavered. He meant so much to her and she wondered if he would be able to forgive her.

‘It - it was an evil house. The child was not evil. She was running wild and responded well to my direction. But - but . . .
^’
Harriet’s courage was failing her. The master was an evil man, she thought. And she had complied with his wishes. In the end she had been complicit in his sinfulness. She looked from brother to sister with wide shiny eyes. ‘I sinned,’ she said simply. ‘Shamefully.’

Tobias said quietly, ‘We have all sinned.’

‘Oh, no, not like this!’ Harriet said anxiously. ‘The master was wicked, I knew he was, but I was wicked too! I gave in to his sin. I should have left, but I could not desert the child. She needed me and I - well, I went there for her sake. I had to stay - for her.’

‘You did not say no to him.’ This time Anna spoke. Anna had known at their first meeting what she was fleeing from: she had asked if Harriet was with child. Tobias, too, needed no further explanation.

‘I did! He would not listen!’ Harriet’s voice dropped. ‘He - he forced me. I told you. He was a wicked man.’

‘You were there for more than a year. That is a long time.’

‘My salary was paid to Blackstone until I became of age. I had no money of my own.’

‘But you gave me money for the mission when you came here,’ Anna pointed out. ‘Did you steal it?’ The shock in her voice was evident.

‘No!’ By now, Harriet was almost beside herself with anguish. ‘He made me do it and I earned every penny!’They could not hate her any more than she did herself for what she had done. But she was so desperate for their understanding and forgiveness. That mattered to her more than anything.

‘I thought - that if I could earn money quickly, I could leave sooner. He was willing to pay - to pay me well.’ Her voice lowered to a whisper. ‘If I did what he asked of me as a willing partner.’ She dared not look up and the silence lengthened, until she added very quietly, ‘I was never willing. You must believe me.’

‘And that is how you came by the money.’

‘Half of it was my governess stipend,’ she said, in a small voice. ‘I prayed for forgiveness every night.’ She wiped away damp tears with the back of her hand. She had not realized she was crying. The tea was welcome and she picked up her mug.

‘This is worse than I imagined,’ Anna said.

‘Anna!’ Tobias chided his sister gently. It was worse than he had imagined too. But Harriet had been brave to tell them this, and he appreciated her courage and honesty. ‘Did the child know?’ he asked.

‘She was married very young and grew up too quickly. She knew I was unhappy and - and gave me leave to flee. Otherwise I could not have left her. The master was a mine-owner, you see, and his pit was going bankrupt—’

‘Mine-owner, you say?’ Anna interrupted. Her breathing was laboured suddenly, and Harriet noticed Tobias staring at his sister.

‘He owned Mexton Pit,’ Harriet volunteered, but neither seemed to be listening to her now.

Tobias picked up Anna’s mug and handed it to her. ‘Please, try to calm yourself, dear sister.’

But Anna was not to be calmed and Harriet’s eyes widened in alarm as her dear friend appeared so distressed. She seemed unable to catch her breath.

Tobias moved to his sister’s side. He looked once in Harriet’s direction and she saw fear and loathing in his eyes. Oh, no! Would he hate her for this? She attempted to explain. ‘I did not know about Hesley Mexton’s reputation when I agreed to take the position.’

Anna was making rasping noises in her throat and her face was darkening as her chest heaved.

‘Run and see if the doctor is still with the warden,’ Tobias pleaded. ‘Fetch him at once. Quickly, Harriet!’

Harriet leaped to her feet and did as he bade. Anna was in some sort of seizure, brought on by her confession. Dear heaven, she had misread her situation. Neither brother nor sister had been prepared for her to admit to such shame. Perhaps they would forgive a woman who through her own foolishness had lost her virtue but not one who had compounded the sin by an unholy bargain with the master.

The asylum doctor was leaving. The iron gates had closed behind him and he was driving his trap away. Harriet ran after him, calling his name. He heard her and slowed the pony.

‘Please come back,’ she panted. ‘It’s Miss Holmes. She’s very ill.’

The doctor leaned down and offered a hand to hoist Harriet beside him, turned the pony and whipped him into a trot. It was not far but he hurried into the cottage, leaving the reins trailing and calling for Harriet to secure the trap.

Inside, Anna was lying motionless on the pallet, her face ashen and her eyes closed.

‘She isn’t breathing!’Tobias exclaimed, as the doctor entered.

‘Give me room,’ he answered curtly. ‘A seizure as before?’

‘Yes. Exactly so. What is it, sir? Will she recover?’

The doctor did not answer him. He was opening his leather bag and taking out an ear trumpet that he placed on her chest. He listened.

‘Is she alive?’

‘Quiet, sir!’

Harriet came through the back door of the scullery silently. She was shocked by what she saw and hovered in the kitchen doorway as the physician tended her dearest friend, watched anxiously by the gentleman she loved. She could not bear for anything to happen to either of them.

‘She is in a deep faint, Tobias, but she lives.’ The doctor reached into his bag, retrieved a small glass phial with a metal top that he unscrewed. He passed the open bottle backwards and forwards under Anna’s nose.

She inhaled raggedly, then more substantially, and her eyes opened.

‘Praise the Lord!’ Tobias exclaimed, and took Anna’s hand.

The doctor passed his hand over her brow. ‘An hysteria.’ He nodded. ‘Suffered only by ladies. I have not seen your sister like this since - since, well, you know how much she has improved since Miss Trent arrived.’