Within These Walls (7 page)

“Oh…well, okay, if you’re sure. I mean, we could always do this another time.”

“You’re deflecting—on purpose. Come on, tell me about your day,” he challenged, calling me out on my purposeful rambling.

“I have to have a heart transplant,” I said simply.

Jude’s attention to the game immediately ended, and his green gaze met my eyes instantly. “Are they sure?”

“Yeah, pretty sure. I was born with an enlarged heart. I had open heart surgery when I was days old. Since then, I’ve had several more surgeries and dozens of other procedures. It’s kept me alive, but a damaged heart can only last so long.”

“Are you scared?” he asked softly.

“Yes, but mostly for my mom.”

“Why?”

“I just fear the what-ifs. What if the insurance doesn’t go through? What if something goes wrong? What if I don’t make it…then who will she turn to?”

“You don’t have any other family?” He chucked his empty pudding cup in the trash.

“No, I never knew my father. He bailed before I was born. Since my grandmother died, it’s always just been my mother and me. I just hate having to see her go through all of this again.”

“What do you mean, again?” he asked, the game now long forgotten.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve been told I need a transplant. My heart started failing a few years ago. They told me a transplant was the best option then, so I was put on the donor list. Then, miraculously, one became available.”

His brows furrowed together in confusion. “What happened?”

“I wasn’t supposed to know. They don’t usually tell you until it’s a sure thing, and you’re being called in for surgery, but Dr. Marcus was so hopeful. It wasn’t his fault,” I clarified.

He’d only been trying to do the right thing.

“Finding a match and in the same hospital was like angels bringing me a miracle. He was just trying to make sure everything was falling into place. He came into my room and told me that a woman had been in a car accident, and she was an organ donor. He said we were a perfect match, and it was hopeful.”

“What happened?” he asked softly.

“The family changed their minds at the last minute.”

Silence filled the room as I stared at our dark shadows against the wall. I finally looked down at Jude sitting back in the old blue chair. He’d grown incredibly quiet and still.

“And you said this happened here—at this hospital?” he asked.

“Yes, here,” I answered, wondering why he was asking.

“How long ago?”

“Um…it was right around my nineteenth birthday so it was three years ago. Towards the end of May I guess.”

More silence filled the air as Jude remained motionless. I didn’t understand this abrupt change in pace.

Did I upset him somehow?

Suddenly, almost startling me, he rose from the chair and turned to me. “I’d better go. I think my lunch break is just about over,” he said in an almost monotone fashion.

“Oh, okay,” I answered.

“I’m off the next two days, and when I get back, I might be pretty swamped, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get away,” he said rather quickly, taking a step backward toward the door with each word uttered until he vanished.

Looking around the room, I took a deep breath. Then, my eyes returned to the closed door.

I was alone—again.

I stared down at the abandoned board game, which we’d barely begun, and my empty pudding cup lying next to it. At that moment, the reality of my day finally caught up to me.

No amount of chocolate, silly games, or odd visits from nurses’ assistants could hide the fact that my heart was giving up on living.

What if I’m not ready for that?

After I’d found out the family had changed their minds, I’d been so upset that I asked Dr. Marcus to do anything he could to hold off on the need for a transplant. He wasn’t thrilled with my decision but he’d managed to make it work, finding alternate treatment methods over the last few years. That night had scared me and reminded me of how precious life was.

One life had to be given in order for another to live on. I hadn’t been ready for that responsibility yet.

After taking one last look around the room, I closed my eyes. Finally breaking down the walls I’d constructed around myself to keep my emotions at bay, I curled into my bed, succumbing to the emotions of the day and cried myself to sleep.

I COULDN’T REMEMBER the rest of my shift after I’d left Lailah’s room that night. I just remembered moving through the motions, going from one task to the other, while her words had echoed through my head over and over until they had practically seared themselves into my very soul.

Finding a match and in the same hospital was like angels bringing me a miracle.

The family changed their minds at the last minute.

It couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible.
I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it was true.

By the time I’d clocked out and driven home, I’d convinced myself I was out of my mind for even thinking about it in the first place.

But then, as I sat in the dark recess of my lonely apartment that night, I allowed myself to do the one thing I’d sworn I wouldn’t ever do again. I let my mind drift back to those horrible moments in the hospital three years ago when I’d found myself sinking into the most selfish parts of me

“You can’t do this. She’s still in there. You’re killing her!” I screamed in desperation, the hoarse sound of my voice echoing through the stark white hallway.

“Jude,” Megan’s father, Paul said in a passive tone meant to be soothing.

It wasn’t soothing though. It only fueled my aggression even further.

“Listen to me,” he said. “This is hard on us, all of us.” His voice cracked, and he brought his shaking fist to his chin in an effort to steady his emotions.

Megan’s mother, Susan, took a step forward and wove her tiny hand through his and gave it a loving squeeze. I turned away.

“The doctors said there is nothing else they can do. She’s gone, son. We have to let her go now.”

His words hit my chest like a battering ram.
She wasn’t gone. I could see her. She was just behind that door.

“Her heart is still beating. I can see her chest rise when she breathes. I can still touch her skin. She’s not gone,” I stated my case, my voice growing small with every word.

“The doctors said that because she’s an organ donor, we could let someone else live. Her heart is still healthy. She’ll live on through someone else. This is something she would have wanted Jude. We’ve already told them yes.”

I couldn’t fathom it. I couldn’t stand the thought of them making this decision, snuffing out her life. They didn’t know what the future held.

“How do you know she’s gone? What if you’re killing her?” I shouted, the words making them wince, as tears clouded my vision. I slumped against the wall and collapsed to the floor.

My future was behind the door. She was my everything. They couldn’t have her. I wouldn’t allow it. No one would take her heart or her life—ever.

I’d won the battle that day. After a few more rounds of arguing, Megan’s parents hadn’t had the strength left to fight anymore. I’d planted the seed of doubt in their minds, they’d eventually crumbled. They’d told the doctors no to any organ donations and I’d spent the rest of the day by Megan’s side, holding her hand and trying to bring her back into consciousness. I’d wanted to prove everyone wrong and thought I could will her back with my love alone.

But not even love could bring someone back when the mind was lost.

She’d died three days later.

At that time, Megan’s parents could have still donated her heart and many of her other organs that hadn’t been damaged in the car crash, but by then they’d lost the will to do so. By giving them hope that she’d somehow come back, I’d made those last few days hell for them. Two different doctors had pronounced her brain dead, but somehow, I’d thought I knew better. I hadn’t allowed her parents to mourn the way they needed to. I never attended her funeral, and I hadn’t left California since.

I’d lived with the guilt of that horrible, selfish day ever since. Megan’s parents had been able to look past their own grief and see the bigger picture. They had known someone else could live on even if their daughter couldn’t.

Why couldn’t I?

I had been selfish, so damn selfish.

Was my selfishness also the reason Lailah was still sitting in a hospital room, watching life instead of living it?

I needed to find out.

My first day off, I spent the entire day caged inside my apartment. I hated my days off. I lifted weights, ate ramen, watched a football game, and by the end of the day, I was stir-crazy. Days like this were why I would end up working so many shifts at the hospital. Unlike most people, I couldn’t stand to be alone. When I was by myself, I had nothing but the haunting memories of my past to keep me company. Nothing could stop the feelings of loss and the overwhelming sense of shame from taking over when I didn’t have the chaos of the hospital to keep my mind from wandering down that dark, deserted path.

I might not talk much, and my coworkers might consider me a bit odd, but at least the hustle and bustle of my job could keep me occupied. It would also allow me to return to the one place where I still felt Megan. My family had begged me to come home. After canceling my cell service, I’d disowned them and basically disappeared. I wouldn’t go home. I had no home anymore.

The trip to California with Megan had been a surprise present from my parents. The night of our graduation from college, our families had gathered together to celebrate our joint success. I had gotten down on one knee and asked the girl I’d been in love with since Business 101 four years earlier to be my bride. Everyone had been thrilled, and to celebrate in the typical style of my outlandish family, my father had booked Megan and me a two-week vacation to California and Maui.

He’d made a speech about how proud he was and how he couldn’t wait to finally bring me into the family business. I’d already been in the family business since I was in middle school. Blessed with the gift for numbers and analytics, I had been a gold mine in the eyes of my father. At the age of fifteen, I could predict and evaluate the market better than he could at sixty. I’d fought my way out of the house and gone away to college.

Four years, Jude. That’s all you get.

From across the table, he’d held his glass high and toasted us, the happy couple. He’d wished us well on our trip as he’d given me a look that said,
It’s time to cash in.

Fun and games had been coming to a close.

I’d left for California, knowing my father owned my life once again. So, I had done the best I could to make sure Megan and I had the time of our lives in California because I’d been too scared to think about what our lives would be like when we returned.

A week into our vacation, the day before we were supposed to leave for Hawaii, we’d been hanging out with a few new friends we’d met in the area. After staggering out of the party late at night, we’d played Rock, Paper, Scissors in the middle of a deserted street. The loser of the game had to drive back to the hotel.

I’d lost three times in a row.

“I don’t want to,” I whined, dragging my sluggish feet behind me just for effect.

“Jude! I’m tired, and you clearly lost! You have to drive!” Megan yelled back, walking in front of me.

Her tight black skirt accentuated her ass as she sauntered back and forth in her heels. I took a moment to enjoy the view.

My future wife is hot.

Her tanned long legs went on for miles, and she had beautiful dark brown hair that I loved to run my hands in, and that—

“Are you checking out my ass?” she said, suddenly pivoting around. Her hand shot to her hip, and she raised an eyebrow.

Busted.

“Mmm…maybe. If I tell you how nice it is, will you drive us back to the hotel?” I asked with a wolfish grin.