Witch Is When Stuff Got Serious (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 11) (18 page)

I felt such a weight of responsibility on my shoulders. What was I going to do? I wished Magna was still here, so that I could ask her advice. I now had great power, but what was I supposed to do with it? The obvious thing was to use it against TDO. Maybe he’d hoped to stop me before I found the book. Or maybe, he’d deliberately waited until I had the power that came from Magna’s book. The more I tried to figure it out, the more confused I got.

When I’d first started out in Candlefield, I’d had Aunt Lucy and Grandma, and even the twins to talk to and ask questions. Now, there was no one I could turn to—no one at all.

I was on my own.

Chapter 21

I’d decided to give Bar Fish another try. I liked the concept, but my first visit had been tainted when I’d bumped into Alicia, who I hated with a passion. Maybe this time I’d be able to enjoy the experience.

The bar was quiet, but then it was early afternoon. I asked the bartender to choose a fishtail for me, and then found a quiet corner table. I was surrounded by fish: in the wall immediately behind me, in a large tube which ran past my table to the bar, and in the tank below my feet. It was a fantastic feeling. A bit like scuba diving, but without those stupid things you have to wear on your feet.

I’d only been there a matter of minutes when I heard a couple come in through the door. They were laughing and giggling, and generally seemed to be having a great time. To my amazement, it was Luther and Betty. He had his arm around her waist. They ordered drinks, and then took a table close to the window. They hadn’t noticed me, but then I’m not sure they’d noticed anyone. They were too busy staring into each other’s eyes.

Now, I know this is going to make me sound like a horrible, conceited person, but trust me on this one. Unlike me, Betty Longbottom was not in the same league as Luther Stone. Luther was an extremely handsome man with a body to die for. He oozed sex appeal, and was probably a nine if not a ten. Whereas Betty—well what can I say? Betty was just Betty. She collected crustaceans—need I say more? She was a nice enough person, or at least she was when she wasn’t wearing her tax inspector’s hat or attacking me with jellyfish.

So how was it that I’d spent forever trying to get a date with Luther Stone without so much as a sniff? I’d practically thrown myself at him. On at least two occasions, I’d assumed that we were going on a date, but I’d been let down badly both times. And now, because Lucinda had given him the boot, Luther had decided that Betty Longbottom was his ideal woman. Was there no justice in the world? Why did I care anyway? I had Jack now; I didn’t need Luther. And yet, it still grated.

I finished my drink, and walked nonchalantly past their table.

“Oh, hello, Luther, Betty. I didn’t see you come in,” I lied.

“Hi, Jill.” Betty beamed. “What do you think of this place?”

“It’s okay, if you like fish.”

“I
do
love fish,” she said. “That’s why we came here. I was telling Luther about my collection of sea shells.”

I expected him to laugh, but instead he said, “Betty’s going to show them to me.”

Yeah, I just bet she is.

“In fact,” he continued. “She’s more or less convinced me that I should start my own collection.”

I was almost lost for words, but managed, “That sounds fascinating. I’d love to hear more, but I have to get going. Plaices to go, fish to fry.”

Clearly, the universe had tilted on its axis. Instead of dressing in a sexy little black number, and using all of my feminine wiles to attract Luther, I should have just shown him a few sea shells.

***

“Quick, Jill! I need your help!” Winky was on me as soon as I walked into my office.

“
You
need
my
help?”

“Hard to believe, I know, but this is an emergency.”

“Does it involve salmon or full-cream milk?”

“Nothing so trivial. Bella has been kidnapped, or should I say, catnapped.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! Do you think I would joke about something like this?”

“When did it happen?”

“Yesterday.”

“How do you know that she’s been catnapped, and not just wandered off?”

“Bella’s a top model. The catnappers must know they can get a handsome ransom for her.”

“A handsome ransom?” I chuckled.

“Now is not the time for your silly jokes!”

“Sorry. Force of habit. Has there been a ransom demand?”

“Not yet.”

“How did you find out about this?”

“I’ve been trying to get hold of her for over a day, but with no success, so I went over there.”

“How did you get out of the office?”

“Never mind that. When I got to her apartment, I overheard the humans talking about her. They sounded worried, and said they had no idea where she’d gone. The woman was quite distressed.”

“I still think it’s possible that she’s just wandered off or got lost.”

“No, I’m convinced there’s something sinister afoot. That’s why I need your help.”

“I’m not sure what I can do.”

“You’re a private investigator, aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, but I don’t normally take this kind of case.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“What did you just say?
You’ll
pay
me
?”

“Of course. On results, obviously. Provided you find her, and bring her back safely, then yes, I’ll pay you a small fee.”

“How small?”

“You’re not going to quibble about money, are you? There’s a cat’s life at stake here. Will you do it or not?”

“Yes, of course. I’ll get straight on it.”

“Good. I’ll expect an hourly report.”

So, this is what my career had come to. I was now working a case for my cat.

This wasn’t going to be easy. I’d spoken to Bella’s owner once before, and it had been pretty embarrassing. On that occasion, it had been Bella’s birthday, and I’d been delivering flowers on behalf of Winky.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It took a few moments, but then a man answered.

“Hello,” I said, all bright and breezy-like.

He stared at me. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

“Me? No. I don’t think so.”

“I’m sure I do—I just can’t think where from.”

“I get that a lot. I have that kind of face.”

“Wait a minute. I remember now. Didn’t you bring a bunch of flowers for my cat?”

“Oh, yes. Of course. I’d completely forgotten about that.”

“You said the flowers were from
your
cat.”

“Winky.”

“Whaty?”

“Winky? That’s my cat’s name. He’s only got one eye.”

“What brings you here today?”

“I heard that your cat has gone missing.”

“How do you know that?”

That was a very good question.

“Did you take Bella?” he said, accusingly.

“Me? No! Do I look like a catnapper?”

“Possibly. You certainly have an unhealthy interest in my cat. You brought her flowers!”

“I told you. They were from Winky.”

“So how did you know Bella was missing? We haven’t told anyone apart from our immediate neighbours, and the police of course.”

This wasn’t going well.

“I—err heard from—err the police.” Jack was going to kill me. “I sometimes work with them.”

“What do you mean ‘work with them’. What are you exactly? Some kind of cat detective?”

“No, I’m a private investigator.”

“Ah, now I get it. You’re an ambulance chaser!”

“No! That’s not it!”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if you’d had someone steal Bella just so we’d hire you to ‘find’ her. Is that how your little scam works? Am I supposed to give you fifty quid, so you can nip downstairs and get Bella from your buddy?”

“No! This is not a scam. I don’t know anything about her disappearance!”

“You said you did.”

“Only that she’d gone missing. I take it you haven’t found her yet?”

“No, we haven’t.” He took a deep breath. “We’re very worried. Are you sure you don’t know where she is?”

“Positive.”

“We don’t know what to do. This has hit my wife really hard. She’s gone to bed with a migraine.”

“Have you thought of putting up posters?”

“I wouldn’t know how to make them.”

“If you have a photo, I can help with that.”

“Would you? That’s awfully kind. I’m sorry about what I said before.”

“That’s okay. You’re upset. I understand.”

“Wait there. I’ll find you a photo.”

Moments later, he returned with a framed photograph of the feline supermodel.

“Will this do?”

“Yes, that will be fine.”

“Thanks. I don’t know your name?”

“Jill. Jill Gooder.”

“I’m Clive.”

Just then, a woman appeared at his side. Her hair was dishevelled, and she looked as though she’d been crying.

“I thought you were having a lie down, Bonnie.” Clive put his arm around the woman’s shoulder.

“I heard someone at the door. Have you found her?”

“No, sorry.”

“This is Jill Gooder, dear. She’s going to put up posters of Bella.”

Put them up? I’d only intended getting them printed.

“That’s so kind of you.” Bonnie gave me a hug.

Oh bum! It looked like I’d just talked myself into another job. When would I learn to keep my big mouth shut?

So, Winky had been right. Bella had disappeared. Was it really possible that she’d been catnapped? Did feline supermodels have a ransom value?

***

I could hear voices as I made my way up the stairs to the office. Someone was talking to Mrs V. As far as I was aware, I wasn’t expecting anyone.

It was Armi. He had pulled up a chair next to Mrs V’s desk, and she was wrapping wool around his outstretched hands. As soon as he saw me, he flinched.

“Hello there.” I tried to sound friendly.

“It’s all right, Armi,” Mrs V said. “Jill isn’t going to attack or insult you today.
Are you,
Jill?”

“No, of course not. Do I call you Joseph or Armi?”

“Everyone calls me Armi.”

“Okay, Armi. Look, I’m really sorry about the other day. Mrs V has probably already told you that I’d been taking hay fever medication that didn’t agree with me. I went a little doolally for a while there. I can’t even remember what I said to you.”

“You called me a goblin.”

I very nearly laughed, but that would have been a big mistake because Mrs V had two knitting needles on the desk in front of her.

“A goblin? Did I really say that? That just shows I must have been out of it. I would never call anyone a goblin. Many other things perhaps, but never a goblin. Goodness knows, I’ve called your brother much worse things.”

“
He
probably deserved it.” Armi looked a little less worried now. “I’ve told Gordon he shouldn’t put pressure on you to leave these premises. You were here first, after all.”

“I doubt Gordon cares about that.” I was slowly warming to Armi.

“No. He’s got a bee in his bonnet. Gordon is used to getting his own way.”

“I can imagine.” I glanced at Armi’s hands. “I see Mrs V has got you earning your keep?”

“He volunteered,” Mrs V said. “He has just the right size hands for it, don’t you, Armi?”

He blushed.

“So, are you two like, an item?”

“Jill!” Mrs V gave me a look.

“Sorry. None of my business. I suppose I should be going through to my office?”

“Yes, I think you’d better.”

Chapter 22

The last thing I felt like doing was wandering around the streets putting up posters of Bella, but what choice did I have? Bonnie and Clive were obviously devastated by the loss of their feline supermodel, and were under the impression that I’d volunteered to do the job. It had taken me almost an hour and a half to create the posters. Normally, I would have asked Mrs V to help, but she was otherwise occupied with Armi and a ball of wool.

“That’s a very attractive cat,” a man with more than his fair share of facial hair said.

That was typical of the comments I’d received. What a contrast to the time when I’d put up posters of Winky. Back then, I’d been accused of trying to scare young children.

“What a gorgeous cat. What do you call her?”

“She’s not actually my cat. Her name’s Bella.”

“She looks like she should be on a catwalk.”

“Have you seen her?”

“No, sorry.”

“If you do, will you ring the number on the poster?”

“Is there a reward?”

Sheesh. What was wrong with people?

I covered a two-mile radius of the apartment, putting up the posters wherever I could. I’d had to put
my
phone number on them because I didn’t know Bonnie and Clive’s. By the time I’d finished, I was absolutely shattered. Still, it was all in a good cause. Winky would be grateful, and of course, Bonnie and Clive would be over the moon if Bella was found as a result.

When I got back to the office, Armi had gone. Mrs V was so engrossed in her Crochet Creations magazine that she barely noticed me. Winky was busy on my computer; at least he wasn’t brooding over Bella.

“Guess what I’ve been doing?” I said.

“Sorting rubber bands? Making chains out of paper clips?”

“I’ve been putting up posters of your girlfriend all around the area.”

“You needn’t have bothered.”

“Is that all the thanks I get? Do you know how long it took me?”

“Bella and I are finished.”

“I thought you wanted me to find her.”

“No need. I know where she is.”

“You know? Then why did you let me put up all of those posters?”

“How was I supposed to know that’s what you were doing?”

“Where is she? Is she back with Bonnie and Clive?”

“Who?”

“Her owners.”

“Bonnie and Clive? I love it.”

“Never mind that. Where is she?”

“Look.” He held out his phone.

“What’s that?”

“It’s Instagram.”

“What’s Instagram?”

“Wow! What planet have you been on? Just look at the photo.”

“Is that Socks with her?”

“Yes. Apparently, my darling brother called in on Bella after I threw him out. He asked her to run away with him, and she agreed. Just like that! Can you believe it? Why would anyone in their right mind choose Socks over me?”

“It’s hard to believe. I’m really sorry, Winky. I know how much Bella meant to you.”

“Who? I’ve forgotten her already.”

It was good to see him putting on such a brave face. I wasn’t sure Bonnie and Clive would take it so well.

“What are you up to on my computer, anyway?”

“I’m setting up my profile.”

“On what?”

“Perfect Match.”

“What’s that?”

“A dating site for felines.”

“Oh? You mean Purr-fect. I get it. I take it you’re looking for a new girlfriend then? What about Cindy?”

“I dumped her. She was too clingy.”

“Can I help?”

“You? Help with dating advice?” He began to roll around the desk, laughing.

***

I didn’t know what to do about Bonnie and Clive. I could hardly tell them that I’d seen an Instagram of their beloved cat with her new microlight flying boyfriend. I decided against telling them; sometimes ignorance was bliss. Hopefully, time would heal and they’d get over the loss of their beloved Bella.

With Bella accounted for, there was nothing for me to do in Washbridge, so I magicked myself to Cuppy C. The twins were, once again, beside themselves with excitement. This was becoming exhausting.

“We’ve got big news, Jill,” Amber shouted.

“Yeah, just wait until you hear our news,” Pearl said.

“Another conveyor belt? Oh, wait. I know. You’re going to have a giant crane installed so customers can grab their food like in those arcade games.”

“There’s no need for sarcasm.” Amber pouted.

“How about drones to deliver cake to the tables?”

“Now you’re just being silly,” Pearl said.

“Go on, then. What is it?”

“We’ve set a date for the wedding.” Amber beamed.

“What? You and William?”

“No,
we
have set a date,” Pearl said.

“You and Alan?”

They both laughed. “No.
We
as in me and Pearl.”

“You’re both getting married? That’s great.” I guess. “Who’s tying the knot first?”

“Me,” Amber said.

“And me,” Pearl said, and they both giggled.

“Both of us. It’s a double wedding.”

Oh no!

“Huh? I thought you both said you’d rather die than have a double wedding?”

“We never said that!” Pearl objected.

“We would never say that!” Amber backed up her sister.

I was undecided which was worse: when the twins were at each other’s throat or when they were being all buddy, buddy.

“I must have imagined it.” Not!

“It’ll be the biggest wedding event in Candlefield for years, and we want you to be the Maid of Honour.”

Yippee!

“No, you don’t. You must have lots of friends who would be better qualified to do it. What about—err—Daze?”

They looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

“Okay. Maybe not Daze, but there must be someone else.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to do it?” Amber looked like I’d just kicked her puppy.

“No. Of course not. It’s just—”

“So, you’ll do it?” Pearl said.

“Err—I.” Oh bum! “Sure. I’d love to.”

“Yay, we’ve got so much to plan,” Amber said.

“Don’t forget,” I interrupted. “Aunt Lucy and Lester are getting married too.”

“Pah! Their wedding will be nothing compared to ours.”

“We want you to be our wedding planner too.”

“Wedding planner? Me? What do I know about weddings?”

“You’re smart and you’re well-organised,” Amber said.

That much was true.

“So, will you do it?” Pearl gave me those big eyes again.

“I suppose so.”

“Yay!”

What could possibly go wrong?

***

I was still shell-shocked from the twin’s double wedding bombshell when a young witch scurried into Cuppy C.

“Are you Jill Gooder?”

“Yes.”

“This is for you.” She handed me an orange envelope.

“What is it?”

But I was too late—she was already on her way out of the shop.

Inside the orange envelope was a single sheet of orange paper. It requested my presence at an Extraordinary General Meeting of the Level Six Witch Council. Today! In fact, the meeting was scheduled for one hour’s time. Great! Thanks for the notice, guys! Why hadn’t Grandma warned me about this? What could they possibly want me there for? I wasn’t a level six witch.

Maybe the twins would have some idea what it was about.

“Hey, you two. Look what I’ve just received.” I put the note on the counter, and they both read it. I didn’t like the expressions on their faces one little bit.

“When did you get this?”

“Just now. Someone came into the shop, and handed it to me.”

“This doesn’t sound good,” Amber said.

“They hardly ever call an Extraordinary General Meeting unless it’s an emergency.” Pearl looked concerned. “What have you done, Jill?”

“I haven’t done anything.”

And then, it clicked. This could only be about one thing: The Wand of Magna. Had word got out that I’d got inside the sealed room? I didn’t see how because Grandma and me were the only people who knew.

“Are you sure?” Amber pressed.

“I haven’t done anything.”

“Are you going to go to the EGM?” Pearl said.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

My nerves were jangling by the time I arrived at the Town Hall.

“Jill Gooder?” Someone shouted. I recognised her; she’d sat near to Grandma and me at the AGM.

Speaking of Grandma, where was she? Why wasn’t she here to support me?

“Yeah, I’m Jill Gooder.”

“You can come through now. We’re ready for you.”

Ready for me?
What did that mean?

I followed her into the hall; it was full of witches—all of them level six. I glanced around the room, desperately hoping to spot Grandma, but she was nowhere to be seen.

“Please come up here, Miss Gooder,” one of the women on the stage shouted. She had a face like thunder. “We have a few questions we’d like to ask you.”

Once I was on the stage, I got in first. “What’s this all about? Why have you called me here at such short notice?”

“All in good time. Please have a seat, Miss Gooder.”

I was becoming more and more angry. Who did they think they were, ordering me about?

“It’s come to our attention that someone has entered the sealed room at the museum.”

I shrugged.

“And we believe
that someone
removed something from the room. Do you know anything about that?”

I wasn’t sure what to do for the best. They clearly already knew I’d been in the sealed room, but should I admit it?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

A gasp went around the hall.

“Surely you’re not denying that it was you who entered the sealed room, and took a book from inside there?”

“What book?”

“The book which belonged to Magna Mondale.”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“It’s pointless to continue with these lies. We know you have the book, and unless you hand it over, we’ll have no choice but to expel you from Candlefield.”

“You can’t do that!”

“We can expel any witch who breaks the witch code of conduct.”

“What code of conduct? And what exactly does it have to say about some imaginary book?”

“I will ask you this only once. Where is the book?”

Before I could answer, the doors at the back of the hall crashed open.

“What’s going on here?” Grandma shouted.

I could see her wart glowing red even from that distance.

“What’s this all about?” she demanded, as she walked down the central aisle.

Every witch in the room suddenly found something interesting on her lap—no one dared to make eye contact with her.

Moments later, Grandma was on stage—nose to nose with my interrogator.

“What’s going on here, Juniper?”

“You know full well, Mirabel. Someone has taken Magna’s book.”

“And you know that, how?”

“Well—” she stuttered.

“Have you been inside the room?”

“Well—err—no. It’s sealed.”

“Then how can you possibly know that anyone has been inside it? Let alone what they may or may not have taken?”

“But—”

“But nothing. Until you have proof that someone has been inside the sealed room, I suggest you keep your accusations to yourself.” She turned on the audience. “And the rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Isn’t it bad enough that we used to be persecuted by witchfinders in the human world? We can’t allow that to happen here in Candlefield.” She turned to me. “You, come with me.”

Grandma grabbed me by the hand, and before I could say anything, she dragged me off the stage and out of the building.

“How did they find out, Grandma?” I said, once we were outside.

“I have no idea. But I intend to find out. Someone is going to suffer for this.”