Winter Shadows (23 page)

“I do like you … er, Robert … it’s just…” But did I admire him?

“It would be a grand adventure in God’s name for all three of us,” he said, his eyes alight. Something gave me an inner warning, but I tried to ignore it
.

I looked at my clenched hands. I was being offered an escape and was suddenly faced with a choice. A life-changing choice. But what about Grandmother? And Papa? Yes, Papa was physically stronger since my return, but …

My mind hurtled into the future. What if I suggested making Dilly responsible for Grandmother? That might work out well
. And what about your confused faith – or lack of it?
my small voice asked. Perhaps my faltering beliefs would solidify and strengthen by serving others. I could keep a journal describing our journey. Perhaps have it published one day. This might be my only chance to finally leave my shadows behind
.

Duncan Kilgour’s mocking smile floated across my inner vision. He would tease me mercilessly. But Duncan Kilgour
didn’t care two pins for me, any more than I – no, I wouldn’t think about him. No doubt he would up and leave this village one day with a cheery wave, and I would be even more alone
.

Robert Dalhousie broke into my tortured thoughts. “May I speak with your papa, Miss Alexander?” His thin face was guarded
.

I knew I had to confront the reality of my situation then and there. I knew there was little real hope of ever taking nôhkom to the settlement to live. It was a young girl’s romantic dream, nothing more. I would never have enough money to live an independent life – my
own
life
.

As if someone else were speaking the words for me, I said, “I require time to sort out how my grandmother and Papa will be taken care of. For if I agree to your proposal, Sir, I will not return to my home for many years. If their future comfort is settled, then, yes, I will give you permission to speak with Papa.”

He bowed slightly, then began to talk to me about his new mission with an enthusiasm that I wished he had injected into his proposal. I must confess, I barely heard a word about his future plans
.

Before he left, he’d taken my hand. “I am sure your papa will not deny you this opportunity.” His fingers were cool and dry. Was his smile just a little smug?

As the door closed behind him, my inner voice spoke up
. Beatrice, Beatrice … what have you agreed to?

A
unt Blair was turning the key in the front door when we climbed the front stairs. Once inside, she threw her coat on an old wooden pew against the wall. “Go into the living room, you two.”

We tossed our jackets on top of hers. My old cat, Tardy, wandered into the hall, his long tail twitching. When he saw me, he leaped into my arms. I stroked his fur, holding back tears. Aunt Blair’s house always smelled of sanded wood and varnish from her private work space, beside the dining room. Tonight those odors mingled with the scent of a balsam tree, covered in the decorations that Blair had collected since she was a kid. The living-room floor was layered in rugs, the couch and chairs soft with down pillows. The walls were covered in watercolors and sketches she couldn’t or wouldn’t sell. Odd-shaped floor lamps with silk shades dotted the room, casting pools of low light.

Aunt Blair clicked on the tree lights. I sat on the couch, with Tardy on my lap. Martin stood, looking at
the tree. “My gran has decorations like these,” he said.

Blair lit the fire. “One thing I can never pass up, Martin, is an old decoration. My dad made sure I always got first pick before he sold them.” The phone rang in the kitchen. “That’ll be Jonathan, Cass. I’ll make some cocoa while I’m in there.”

She headed down the hall. I silently thanked her for not asking me to answer it. But I still needed to know why she was at Jean’s party.

When she returned, she threw me a mohair blanket. I tucked it around me, but couldn’t stop shivering, even with Tardy’s warmth against me. I sipped the cocoa she’d made. Martin looked relaxed.

“I told your dad to wait until later tomorrow before calling again,” Aunt Blair said. “The shops in Selkirk are open early. I’m doing my final Christmas shopping and told him I’d take you along. He said to use the credit card he gave you last week – that you might like to buy yourself a nice outfit for Christmas Day. Look, you guys talk for a bit while I make up your bed in the spare room, Cass.”

“Dad’s just trying to make everything okay again,” I muttered. “He likes things to be swept away fast. He’s never figured out it just makes things worse.”

“We’ll talk later,” she said as she left the room.

Martin moved over beside me. We stared at the fire.

“Maybe you should call your place and –”

“I feel stupid about what I did tonight, Martin, but not enough to say sorry to Jean, okay?”

“I wasn’t going to say that. I –”

“I’m not sorry for what I said; I just feel stupid that I did it in front of all those people, especially about a tree.” I gulped back the quaver in my voice. “Martin, Jean told
strangers
about this baby at the same time she told
me
. Dad was too much of a coward to tell me first. I can’t go back there yet.” I swallowed my tears.

He wrapped one hand around the back of my neck and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Maybe Jean will be over with an apology tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, “and Santa’s reindeers really can fly.”

“What? You mean they can’t?”

“Go home. You’re as punch-drunk as me!” My stupid tears just wouldn’t dry up. I pretended they weren’t there.

He smiled. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

I climbed off the couch still wrapped in the soft blanket, swiped away the wet on my face, and followed him to the front door. He stepped out into the night.

Leaning on the door frame, I said, “Thanks, Martin, for being … you know, so great. I’m not sure why you bother, when you could get Tricia to go out with you again.”

He tapped my temple with a fingertip, his face coming closer. “I like you. I like what’s in there. Besides, you look so lost half the time; it gets to me.”

“Glad I get to
somebody
. Mostly I don’t even feel like I’m here, you know?”

“Oh, you’re very here.” He leaned closer, and I met him halfway. He tasted of cocoa and cinnamon. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned my cheek against his. “I know this baby thing is different than losing my
mom, but Jean is using it to force me farther away from my dad.”

He leaned back. “I don’t know … I guess we all have to move away from our parents a bit. Maybe so we can find someone just for us. Let’s face it, I’ve been hooked since I first saw that runny nose of yours in math class.” I hugged him again.

A few minutes later, the twin beams of his truck swept the house, and I watched through the door window until the red taillights fluttered out of sight.

“He seems like a really nice kid,” Blair said from a chair beside the fire.

She was holding a glass of wine. A plate of cheese and crackers was on the table. She’d changed into jeans, a black turtleneck, and a pair of fur-lined moccasins. I noticed for the first time how skinny she was, her face all hollows and angles.

I should have asked her if she was okay, but instead I said, “Why were you there tonight, anyway?”

“Your dad asked me to come. He said it would be good for all of us if we met halfway. Get rid of this tension between us. That it would be good for –”

“For me, right? For annoying, troublesome Cass? He used me as bait. And you didn’t tell him to drop dead? You know who was behind it, don’t you? Jean. She wants to get to know you so she can undercut me. And she wanted you to be there to hear all about their baby. To
remind
you
that Mom is gone. I know you can’t stand her. I know you think she was working on Dad even when Mom was sick.”

She held up a hand. “Not going there, Cass. I was really emotional when Fiona died.”

“But I heard what you said when Dad told you he was going to marry Jean.”

It was last July. Dad had invited Aunt Blair for dinner. I was glad she came … at first. Aunt Blair and Jean sat side by side, not saying much, while Dad barbecued steaks and potatoes for all of us. After dessert, he’d lifted his wineglass and said, “Here’s to my future wife, Jean. We hope to get married in a month. Lots of plans to make!”

Aunt Blair stared at him like she was stun-gunned. She didn’t lift her glass, so Dad stood alone with his in the air.

“Daisy, go upstairs for a bit, okay?” Jean said. Daisy looked ready to argue, but Jean repeated, “Go upstairs, please.”

Aunt Blair motioned for me to leave as well. I went to the kitchen, then crept back and stood outside the door.

“ … can’t be serious!” I heard Dad say.

“It’s been barely a year since Fiona died, Jon. Have you really thought this through?”

“Excuse me, I’m here, too,” Jean said. “You’re accusing us of having a relationship while Jon’s wife was sick? That’s simply not true.”

“You were going out together almost as soon as she was gone,” Blair said, “but I figured Jon couldn’t cope without his wife and that you’d be there for him until his grieving was over. Mind you, I knew you were after him right from the time you first laid eyes on him. So did Fiona.”

“What? She did not. That’s ridiculous!” Dad cried.

“Maybe you didn’t see it, but we did. Fiona thought it was funny and that Jean was pathetic. She said you were too stressed and clued out to notice, Jon. Well, I won’t sit here and toast either of you. I don’t want any part of this.”

I ran down the hall and up the back stairs two at a time. When I opened my bedroom door, Daisy was sitting on my bed, looking around.

“Mom says we’ll have to share this bedroom when they get married. I have way more stuff than you. I should have this room just for me.”

I’d headed back down the front stairs and straight outside, just in time to see my aunt drive away. She hadn’t even said good-bye. It was still light out, so I went for a long bike ride along the river, pedaling away from it all.

Now, in the glow of her Christmas lights, I said, “But you came to Dad and Jean’s wedding. Why?”

“To be there for
you
. Also to remind them that Fiona was … I don’t know … important to remember. Look, Cass, it wasn’t an easy time for anyone. I can’t say anything with certainty about what happened when your mom was sick. I’m still working through it all. I decided
to go to the party tonight to see how things felt to me when you were all together.”

I laughed. “Well, we didn’t disappoint then, did we?”

She took a sip of wine. “I have to let it go. Accept things as they are, if I can’t change them.”

“Let it go? Accept things as they are? Did you swallow some of Jean’s personal cliché pills? Next you’ll be talking about closure!” I cried.

“Maybe I already am. Cass, I’ve spent the last two years in a sad dreary place. Fiona wasn’t my identical twin, but she was my heart twin. I was the levelheaded sensible one; she was the fairy sprite. I thought she’d live forever – way past me – but that we’d be together until we were doddering old bats, no matter what. But she didn’t stay, and when she left, she took away her bright light. I was left alone in the dark. Then I cut off contact with Jon. I stopped seeing Tom Hunt – the best relationship I’d ever been in. I started taking prescription pills to try and feel better. I worked in my shop all night sometimes.”

Why didn’t I know?

She took another sip. “But I’ve been for help and I’m coming out of it. I’m feeling more hopeful. Or, I was until tonight.”

“So, you’ve had shadows all around you, too.…”

“Shadows? I guess I did. But all that time, I was being selfish, too. I left you on your own. For too long. Sure, you came over, we watched movies, we talked about books, schoolwork, and all kinds of stuff, but never
about any of this. I knew you were suffering, but I couldn’t step out of my own pit and help you. I’m sorry, Cassy.”

“Don’t feel guilty. You made things seem normal now and again for me. That’s what I wanted. But I didn’t know you were going through so much.”

“How could you know? You were dealing with it too. But, after tonight, I feel you shouldn’t be in that toxic environment – and yet I know I have no rights – I’m not your parent.” Her voice shook. “So I guess what I’m trying to say is, if we both let your mom, Fiona, go a little, maybe we can accept that your dad has moved on and is trying to make a life –”

“For himself!” I cried. “Not for me! You saw Jean. She hates me.” I stopped. “Wait. Daisy told me this morning that a secret was going to be announced at the party. So she knew Jean was expecting a kid. So did Dad! Why didn’t he –”

“I don’t know, honey. That surprises me. I think maybe he only found out ahead of the party, too.”

It just came out. “I can’t stay there anymore. Can I live here with you?”

She looked into her wineglass. “We both know what your dad would say to that.”

“But if I got him to agree?”

“I don’t know. It sounds like running away from the problem, Cass.”