Winning Back Ryan (16 page)

              “Share these with me,” he said, so I picked up my utensil to join in. Before I even forked the meal, a car stopped at the light, its windows rolled down. The song Untouched by The Veronicas piped through the car’s speakers and without thinking I began lowly singing the words along to the song.  I popped a dumpling into my mouth and groaned in appreciation. They had to be the best I had ever tasted. When I glanced up, Ben’s eyes smoldered in a way I had never seen before, liquid pools, and I felt the sexual tension practically vibrating off his frame.  “Do you want another one?” He asked me in the huskiest voice I had ever heard him use with me. I wasn’t completely positive that we were still talking about dumplings anymore. I nodded wordlessly.  “You should keep singing. It’s putting you in a better mood.” His tongue dashed across his upper lip quickly, so I glanced down quickly feigning ignorance.

I had the distinct feeling that I was making more of a mess now than I was before.

**

             
When the meal was done, I decided not to bring back up the conversation that Ben was avoiding. His actions would let me know how he felt in the days to come.

             
As he paid the bill, smacking my money away, he said, “So, tonight.”

             
I sighed. “I need to go make things right with Brian. I won’t be able to sleep with the way things are.”

             
“And if he won’t see you?” he asked. He shifted in his seat, moving closer to me, his eyes boring into mine with their intensity. “You cannot go back to that apartment tonight.” I tilted my head sideways. “Because you embarrassed him in front of Brian. His pride and ego are wounded. You also told him that he’d never see you again. To a guy like him, that translates to ‘try harder.’” He suddenly looked uncomfortable. “I’m not exactly sure what he’s capable of Annie. You just can’t go back there tonight.”

             
“Okay,” I said quietly. “If Brian won’t let me stay, I’ll go to a hotel for the night, okay?”

He sighed, frowning, but nodded. I thought Ben was overreacting a little, but I felt so guilty about what I said that I’d stay in the hotel for him tonight.

              “Do you want the car to take you home?” He asked. “I could call for it.”

             
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I need the walk and the train ride to figure out what I’m going to say.”

             
“Are you sure about this?” he asked in the most tender voice I had ever heard him use.

I shrugged slightly, but my eyes told him that I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

He leaned over to presumably give me a kiss. I placed my fingers on his lips, stopping him. His eyes questioned me.

             
“I know where those lips have just been.”

His eyes sparked with recognition at my words.

              “If I had the taste of your orgasm on my lips, would you kiss me after?” he asked.

             
I leaned in, kissing his cheek.  “I guess you’ll never know.”  I stood up, walked away, and made my way towards the train. I could feel his eyes watching me the entire way.

**

              Thirty minutes later, I stood outside Brian’s door, gathering my courage and collecting my thoughts. It was now or never. I let out a long breath, and knocked.

He opened the door; hurt eyes met mine.

              “Thank God you’re alright.” I blinked, not expecting that response. “I was so worried about you going back to that apartment. I just…” He ran his hand through his hair.

             
“Can we talk?” I asked. He allowed me into the apartment fully. I wrung my hands and felt like I might throw up from how nervous I felt. I had no idea how this conversation would go, but for the sake of my mental sanity it needed to go well. “Brian, I want to apologize for what I said to you. I was completely out of line.”

             
He shook his head. “You said how you felt- what you’ve been keeping inside for two years. It needed to come out. I didn’t know you were that angry. I would have forced us to talk about it sooner. But, you don’t like to talk about things unless you’re ready.”

I swallowed hard. He remained silent just standing there.

              “Are you in love with me?”

He looked down at me, resignation in his eyes.

              “Yes.” He took a breath before his eyes changed, looking pained. “I’ve tried to stop loving you.  I’ve tried everything.” He pulled at his hair in frustration. “Do you know how this feels? There is nothing more painful in the world.  Do you know what is even worse?” His voice broke off to a whisper, “Sleeping with another woman while thinking about you.”

I came here to apologize, but I just felt angry all over again.

              “Whose fault is that? You make it sound like I was the bad guy, deliberately trying to hurt you,” I shouted.

             
“I didn’t say that at all. I knew going into the friendship that I was the one with feelings. I just didn’t think it would take nearly five years for anything to come of it.” He grabbed my arms, staring into my eyes. “I love you just the way you are, because to me, you are perfect.”

             
“I…I think I need to sit down.”

I turned to walk towards his couch, but he grabbed my waist, pulling me to him. With his one hand wrapped around my waist, his other caressed my cheek.  I opened my eyes to find his lips ghosting over mine.

              “I need you to come the rest of the way, Annie. I need to know that you want this.”
I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that we could be the same tomorrow. What we would be I couldn’t even entertain that thought. I did know, however, that we would no longer be just friends.

             
His lips pressed against mine- once, twice, three times. His tongue glided along my upper lip before taking my lower lip into his mouth, sucking it gently. I felt his teeth scrape across my skin and I whimpered in response. My hands slid along his rib cage, feeling the contours of his body as he released my bottom lip. The voice in the back of my mind screamed, “Stop this before you lose him!”

I pulled back quickly, stepping away from him. He let go of me as soon as he felt my resistance. My fingers wiped away his kiss as though doing so could erase the action from ever happening.

              “I’m sorry. I…” can’t lose you. “just can’t.” I was such a coward that I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. He didn’t respond. I remembered that I came here to apologize, so I would at least do that. “I’m so sorry for what I said to you before when we were fighting. You don’t know how disgusted I am with myself,” I told him.

             
“Why don’t we go sit down?” he asked. I glanced up at his eyes that were encouraging, so I made my way for the couch. “Why are you disgusted with yourself?” he asked, frowning. His hands were crossed, his legs apart.

             
“Because that night…It feels selfish for me to shout at you about a decision that you made. It doesn’t matter how I feel about it,” I explained.

             
“You aren’t selfish for telling me how you feel. You saved my life. I want to talk about this and get it out in the open. I want you to tell me how you really feel.”

             
“And then what?” I asked, biting my lower lip hard.

             
“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out as we go. What I do know is that you can’t keep this in any longer.”

I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. I don’t know why, but for some reason that always made emotionally taxing conversations easier for me.

              “So, I’d like to know how you feel,” Brian began in hopes of prompting me to begin talking.

I had no idea where to begin.

              “I felt…betrayed, frightened, hesitant, guilty, angry. Just to name a few.”

             
He nodded. “Why?”

             
“I felt angry and guilty because I felt responsible somehow. I was your best friend. We were so close. I should have seen some sign that you were even considering that. I’ve replayed that month before in my head a thousand times, and I never see anything that seemed unusual.”

             
“There wasn’t. You could have never known. I didn’t even make the choice until that night. So, you’re beating yourself up for nothing,” he replied calmly.

I blinked, surprised by his answer. There was no warning? I was also shocked by his candidness. This was a topic that we never talked about.

“I’m frightened and hesitant because you seemed so happy and healthy then. I would have thought you’d be the last person in the world to do that. I’m….” I choked up, tears welling. “Waiting for it to happen again. It frightens me to want to be closer to you when you might not be there one day.”

             
“We’re all not going to be here one day,” he replied, “But, I know what you mean. Please keep going.”I couldn’t though; the tears were falling so freely now that I was unable to speak. His hand moved to my cheek and he closed the space between us. “I wasn’t thinking much. I just found out that my mother cheated on my father. They were going to divorce. I was nearly failing that English class, and I would lose my scholarship. It all seemed hopeless and that everyone would be better off with me gone. I drank a lot that night and then took acid. I hallucinated and…what happened is the result. There was no planning, no thinking it through. I just had a bad trip and lost my mind.” He sighed long and hard. “Do you remember what you said to me that night?”  I nodded. I could never forget. You couldn’t forget such a thing. “When you told me that if I didn’t fight and stay alive that you would never forgive me and that you wouldn’t come to my funeral, I knew then that you loved me. Then when you begged me in the ambulance to stay alive for you I knew there was a chance that you might never forgive me. I realized too late that you felt the same way about me that I’d felt for you all those years. But, two months later, Ryan had already made his move, and you were so happy. I didn’t want to ruin that for you.” Brian moved closer to me. “Please, you have to forgive me.” I looked into his eyes, and anger, pain, and fear flowed through me again just as intensely as it did that night. It seemed it had never really gone away; I just suppressed it, burying it deep within me because I didn’t know how to deal with it. His hands grabbed my arms tightly. “Annie, you have to forgive me.” His eyes pleaded.

             
I let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know how.”  If I knew how, I would have done it already.

He seemed to accept that answer, realizing that he wasn’t going to hear a better one.

              “Well, this is a start. I promise you that I will never leave you alone again. If you decide that you don’t want to be with me, that’s your choice, but I’ll always be here for you.” His eyes looked troubled, but resolved. “I made that promise to myself in the hospital afterwards. It’s your choice how you want me in your life. But, I love you, Annie. I always have and I always will. At least now you know.” 

             
I nestled my head into the crook of his neck, wrapping my arms around him, holding him to my body tightly. It was strange. As much as I wanted to kiss him, I also wanted to be comforted too. I wanted both in equal measure. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him, to know the other side of Brian, and yet at the same time, I was not ready to let go of what I did know of him- the platonic friend that I felt very comfortable with.  I could feel him inhaling the scent of my hair, as he kissed my head.

             
He stood up, pulling me up with him. My hands splayed out across his chest as I met his gaze. I stood on my tip-toes, our eyes holding each other. Everything that he had kept from me all of these years, he no longer held back-respect, trust, love, desire. I felt much freer suddenly as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. All those years of repressed guilt were suddenly gone. I had done nothing wrong according to Brian; I hadn’t messed up or not paid close enough attention. I hadn’t been a bad friend. It was just an unfortunate accident, and I had been lucky enough to show up in his dorm room at just the right time to save him. I felt elated, almost giddy.

             
Unable to stop myself, I pressed my lips to his, my tongue touching the tip of his, teasing each other. His hand entwined in my hair as he deepened the kiss, and I thought that maybe I should be sitting down for this as my legs began to shake. Brian was…an adept kisser.  Whoever he was at eighteen, he no longer was now. If he had kissed me like this back then, I may have very well lost my virginity right there in the damn movie theater.

He placed one kiss at the base of my throat.

              “Do you want me to stop?” he asked.

             
As I closed my eyes, I answered, “No.” He kissed me lower in response. “But, we need to stop.”

             
His eyes looked pained, but he asked calmly, “Of course. May I ask why?”

             
“Because Brian,” I said warmly, hoping he heard the affection in my tone. “Ryan’s been sleeping around. I need to go get tested and make sure that I’m clean. I can’t take a chance of harming you.”