Wilson Mooney Eighteen at Last (38 page)

Cindy realized she had Nick and I
caught in a predicament. Suddenly she had the upper hand in the
situation, and she used the moment to play her wicked game with
us.

“
Well, I didn’t mean much
by it other than the fact that, suddenly, you show up here and want
to take Wilson away…from…us…” Cindy swung her arm around to
indicate the “us” she was talking about was Joanie, Nick, and
her.

The thick air licked at me and
encouraged the perspiration to push through my pores. I couldn’t
find my voice to stop Max from grabbing at anything to help him
understand what Cindy was saying. I knew Max could tell something
was up. He turned and looked at me squarely in the eyes.

“
What’s she talking about,
Wilson? What’s going on?” Max asked, more forceful than before, as
he searched every line of my expression.

I froze and I couldn’t breathe. How
was I going to tell him about kissing Nick? Especially after I’d
struggled with it and worked out that it was better not to tell him
yet. But I couldn’t keep it in any longer; I gave up. I had a
monkey on my back, a betrayal that ran deeper than anything I’ve
ever experienced before, and it wasn’t going to go away
easily.

I looked him straight in the eyes and
said, “I love you. You are my everything.” I swallowed. As the next
part began to come out of my mouth, my eyes dropped and became
plastered to the floor.

“
When I left you at your
house, I was scared. I was hurt, and very confused. I’ve never
experienced a family like yours before. They were accepting of me
and I felt safe with them. For the first time in my life, I was a
part of a normal family.” Tears crowded my eyes as the feelings of
his family’s love swelled in my chest. I paused and took a deep
breath before I continued, “I didn’t know how to relate to the
whole situation happening between me and your family. And so, when
I thought your mom and Calvin hated me—”

“
They don’t hate you,” Max
interjected.

“
Well, at that moment, I
thought they did. So it was painful to feel rejected by your mom.
It was painful to think she’d just lost the man she loved and she
had to stop grieving because of me.”

“
I’m so sorry you felt
that way. I would never—” he whispered.

“
I know, but when I left
and you didn’t try and stop me, somehow I convinced myself that you
didn’t want me. I know how stupid and ridiculous it sounds; but at
that moment, I truly thought you were over me.”

“
How could you think that,
Wilson?” Max asked as he searched for the answer to my long,
drawn-out confession.

“
I don’t know. I guess I
thought somehow, some way, you’d come for me. And when you didn’t,
I didn’t know how to deal with it...so I started to drink…with
Nick. I drank a lot, more than I should have, and one thing led to
another; I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to feel something
other than alone. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. And
before I knew it, I was kissing him. Max, I am so sorry.” I stopped
breathing, waiting for him to interrupt again, but he
didn’t.

His eyes cased the room and locked on
Cindy. For the first time since I’ve known her, Cindy stood
speechless. It was like she was witnessing something much bigger
than her high school antics. Maybe finally she recognized that what
Max and I had was something real, that we truly loved one another.
Without saying a word, she turned and climbed the stairs. Her work
here was done.

Max came back to me, his eyes hollow
with betrayal, his jaw taut with anger. I watched the edges of his
ears rush with blood and his cheeks followed, becoming saturated in
crimson. He dragged his hands back across the top of his head
pulling his shiny, onyx-black hair off his forehead and away from
his eyes. I stood there, a prisoner of his pain, shackled, as I
waited for him to say something. I deserved whatever was going to
blast from his mouth.

He cleared his throat, “I came here
today willing and ready to take you home with me. I came here to
tell you that I resigned from Wesley this morning. I needed you to
know that I wasn’t planning on finishing the year as your teacher,
but as your boyfriend. But I didn’t expect to be blindsided like
this.”

I took a step toward him, and this
time it was he who took a step back. My heart plunged into my
gut.

What did I expect? That he was going
to forgive me and we’d be back together? I guess I did. In some
small corner of my heart, I wanted to believe he’d be able to
forgive me.

“
Max—”

“
Don’t, Wilson,” he spat
as he looked over at Nick then down at me. “I can’t do this right
now. I have to go,” he groused as he walked past me and toward the
front door.

I felt my feet slam hard against the
hardwood floor as I chased after him. I didn’t want him to leave. I
wanted to argue my point. But he pulled the huge, mission-style
door open and the freezing cold air encased me, drowning me in
despair.

“
Max!” I screamed as I
stepped out onto the Browlers’ massive porch. My bare feet stuck to
the bitter cold granite and every inch of my exposed skin became
victim to the sub-freezing temperature. I inhaled to scream for him
again but the frigid Aspen air stole my words and sliced my
throat.

He was already down the steps when he
looked back at me. His expression was desolate, his heart
shattered, and his body caving, all evidence of my betrayal. Oh my
God, I broke him. He turned, got in his car, and sped away. I
watched as his tail lights disappeared into the night and the cold
fog of the evening swallowed him up.

It was real; he was gone. My legs gave
in to my weight and my knees slammed hard against the granite
porch. My tears stung and needled my cheeks as they mingled with
the freezing air. I rocked back and forth toward the driveway as
bellowing moans boomed from deep within my body and the rush of the
blistering night vanished.

Finally, I thrust my head against the
porch, folding in half as the cold granite bit at my forehead. My
hands wrapped tightly across the back of my head, blocking the
sides of my face and covering my ears. Despite the cold, my hair
clung to my cheeks and down my neck, wet with sweat. Joanie pressed
against my back. Her hushed whispers were nothing more than feeble
attempts to replace what I had lost. There was nothing she could do
to help me. For the second time in my life, I was abandoned…on a
doorstep.

What the hell just
happened?
I rolled down the windows in my
car and made sure that every fucking ounce of heat that radiated
from my body disappeared. I wanted to get totally numb. I didn’t
want to feel the sting of coming home without Wilson. I sped
through the mountainous roads, feeling my body push and pull with
every bend and turn. But nothing matched the pressure of having to
listen to my girlfriend confess that she’d kissed someone else
while I was burying my father.
God, I just
want to fucking hit something until it hurts as bad as I do.
I slammed the heel of my hand against the
steering wheel over and over again, but it didn’t help.

Urghhh, I blew it. Why
didn’t I stop her from getting in his car? I should have fought for
her. I knew it! He was just sitting back, waiting for the perfect
moment to pounce on her. From the first day I met him, I knew he
was a snake. He was waiting for an opportunity to sink his fangs
into her. He knew we were together…

Visions of Nick
with
my
girlfriend filled my mind—his hands touching and stroking her
soft skin; his mouth pressing against hers; and his tongue sliding
into her mouth,
kissing
her! I wonder if she looked at him the same way
she looked at me. Did he make her shiver the same way I did? Did he
make her lose her breath when he’d push up against her?
Stop it! Stop, fucking torturing
yourself.

He got her drunk and she
was lonely. Worst combination ever! Shit…what if they…don’t think
about it. She said she just kissed him. If it was more than that,
she would have said they made out or something like that.
What does Wilson see in that guy? Does he give
her something that I can't?

I trusted her. I let her
in and she kicked me when I was down. My dad just died, for God's
sake.
But how could she have thought we
were over? Doesn’t she know I’d do anything for her? I love
her.

I had to pull over on the
side of the road and stop driving. Images of Wilson splashed across
my mind and my feelings for her drilled deep in my gut. I couldn’t
stop thinking about how much I loved hearing her laugh as we lay
tangled in a pile on the ice rink. How cute her scowl was when she
learned she’d lost the pool game to my dad with just an eight ball,
and how inviting her glistening skin was when she let me make love
to her for the first time. I couldn’t shake the image of her face
as that snake drove away with her—how devastated she was when I let
him take her from me. I saw the hope in her eyes vanish.
Goddamn it, why didn’t I recognize it?
But she made her decision—drunk or not, she chose
to cheat on me. I let her leave with ‘him,’ thinking I was
protecting her…and she cheated on me.

Well come on, Max. You
knew a relationship with her was going to be intense. How could it
not be?

Wilson was like the splash of water I
needed to control the fire that raged inside me. She wouldn’t
hesitate to reach into the blazing flames and save me from being
left in the ashes. She was the only person who found the one place
within me that nobody else could. It was demoralizing to think
that, after my dad died, she was going to see that part of me that
she wouldn’t like. So I let her go, let her leave, and it brought
me to my knees.

I hate my dad for dying, I
hate that I hurt Wilson, I hate that Nick even touched
her.

I stared out into the darkness. I
could feel the clouds of loneliness creep around my car and begin
to fill my heart. I should just let it consume me all over again.
Why not? Being there was so much more comforting than the searing
emotion of losing Wilson. I felt the pressure of everything crash
down on top of me. My eyes went damp and my airway closed. Every
muscle in my face clung to the possibility of keeping my cool…but I
couldn’t. The despair rolled over me. It was so much easier to give
up. Shrink back into the black hole that kept me safe,
alone.

Out of nowhere, the image
of Wilson all alone on the porch as I drove away hammered me. Her
drawn, blue eyes red and swollen from crying, her blonde hair
pulled loosely off her face. Her lips were quivering, waiting for
me to taste them, but I didn’t. Fire raged in my gut, burning me
from the inside out, but I couldn’t bring myself to make her okay.
I couldn’t find any words to make what she’d done justifiable. Her
chest heaved, loaded with apologies she wished she could have had
the strength to say. I didn’t let her. Suddenly she was an eight
year old girl standing there, abandoned, and waiting for me to come
back. My eyes burst open.
Holy shit, what
the hell did I do?
Every hair on my body
stood on end. The muscles across my chest flexed, and my lungs
burned as I took a deep, shocking breath.

I knew her past. Knew the events in
her childhood created every insecurity and every conviction she
clung to. Nothing that she has ever done to me could even begin to
hurt like what I just did to her. I promised her, the day she
finally let me in, that I would never abandon her. But I did; I
left her alone, on the porch, just like her mother did. I gave her
no explanation, no words. I just got in my car and drove
away.

I pulled on the steering wheel and
flipped a U-turn, hoping that I was close enough to the Browlers’
cabin that I’d find her still on the porch. I wanted to work it
out. Whatever came up between us, I didn’t want to lose her. I sped
back as fast as I could, the car swaying and hugging the curves. I
pulled back down through the gate, and when I reached the point
where I could see the Browlers’ porch, I noticed it was
vacant—Wilson wasn’t standing there. She wasn’t where I wished
she’d be. The car rolled slowly, all the way to the edge of the
steps. I put it in park and sat idling for a moment. In my frantic
attempt to get back, I didn’t plan out how I was going to bust in
and fight for her.

What if, by leaving, all I
did was drive her straight into ‘his’ arms, again? Damn it, I just
gave him another opportunity to make a move on Wilson. I have to
find the strength in my words to tell her no matter what happens…I
love her and always will.

I threw the car door open
and Aspen’s winter chill swirled around my body, slicing across my
exposed skin like razorblades. It forced me to feel the reality of
being completely separated from Wilson. The glow from the porch lit
my way back to her…and yet I couldn’t convince my feet to hit the
pavement.
I can’t get over her kissing
him. Will I ever be able to look at her without flashes of Nick
Browler’s slithery hands all over her body? Can I handle him
kissing Wilson and touching her skin just days after she made love
to me?

I know what happened
between us was a culmination of really messed-up situations. When
Wilson left with
Nick
, I shut down and a cold, recognizable darkness creep back
into my life; the same darkness that consumed me when Mallory
killed herself. I lost every last desire to fight for anything. It
took years, and everything I had, to realize it wasn’t my fault she
killed herself.