Willow Grove Abbey (48 page)

I Love You.

I wiped tears from my eyes, and held the letter close to my breast, as if by doing so I could somehow bring him nearer to me. Isabella traced her finger over the handwriting on the envelope, and said that she had the most wonderful Papa in the world. I certainly didn’t argue with that remark. Spence knew the trauma I was enduring, but I didn’t intend to tell him of the latest chapter in the saga. He’d endured enough pain, and he was trying to tell me that it was all right that we wouldn’t have more children. If possible, I loved him even more for that. I had told him of Papa’s inappropriate behavior toward years before, when we were together in his charming office in Twigbury. After we had made love for the first time. But, I certainly had no intention of telling him what had happened now, while he was risking his life for his country.

Two days later, while I was out in the garden, preparing beds for spring planting,
Mummy came running out of the house in a frenzy. She’d been snooping in Papa’s desk, and discovered telephone records covering a period of nearly three years. Waving them in her hand, and screaming at the top of her lungs, she ran across the lawn. Her hair had been hastily pinned up, and tendrils fell about her face. She was out of breath when she reached me, so the papers were simply thrust into my hands. I took off my gardening gloves and scanned them. They astounded me! Over a three-year period, Papa had placed hundreds and hundreds of calls to Edwina in Paris. Then, after Edwina’s return to London, often the calls were just moments apart. They would talk for ninety minutes, and then hang up. He would ring her back ten minutes later. Even on the Christmas when Spence came to
Willow Grove
for the first time, there was a 47-minute call to Edwina. Clearly, he was obsessed. Of course, I understood immediately why Mummy was beside herself. I tried my best to calm her.

“
Mummy, the affair may not have been going on all of this time. You know that she considered him her mentor. Perhaps he was giving her business advice?” I ventured.

“Oh Fiddle! He was not giving her advice of any sort, and you know that.
You know very well what he was giving her…
And
what she was giving
him
. He was bonkers over her. These calls prove it. I could show them in any court in the land and be divorced at once.”

“Is that what you want?” I asked.

Mummy began to cry. “I don’t know what I want. Where will he go if we divorce? Will he still be nearby, so that I can lean on him as I always have?”

“No
Mummy, I doubt that very much. I think he would stay in Scotland, where he is now. He says he just wants a peaceful, simple life.”

“Well, that isn’t what he’ll have if he
marries Edwina,” she sobbed.

“I’
m sure that’s true,” I answered.

“I always thought that he would be nearby. I can’t i
magine that I would never see him. He has been my whole life for nearly thirty years. I don’t want to lose him. I’m too old to start again.”

This
was an admission of gargantuan proportions. “Are you telling me that you want him to come home?”

“Yes. Will you call hi
m at Susan’s and tell him I want him here with me at
Willow Grove
Abbey?”

“Are you saying that you feel you can forgive hi
m?”

“Well
…No …But, I’ll try. I can’t just forgive him overnight. It will take time. But, I don’t want our marriage to end.”

I put
my arms around my mother, something rarely done in our family. “I’m so glad you’ve reached this decision. It’s the right thing to do. One doesn’t throw out the baby with the bath water, you know. You and Papa have shared a lifetime together. You can work this out. When shall I call him?”

“Right away, before I change
my mind,” she smiled, feebly. It was the first smile I had seen on Mummy’s face in weeks.

Therefore, I went up to the house and placed a call to Susan and Blake’s nu
mber in Scotland. Susan answered and I asked to speak to Papa. When he came on the line, I was quite succinct with my message. “Your wife wants you to come home,” I said.

There was a
moment of silence, followed by a sigh, and then he said, “I’ll catch the next through train to London, and from there to
Bedminster-with-Hartcliffe
.
”

“I’d
meet your train in London, but the rationing has made it just about impossible for me to get enough petrol to drive that distance, round-trip,” I told him. “I could send Joseph, but the same problem exists.”

“That’s fine,
Sophia. I’ll be just fine. It will be a nice, quiet ride. Give me time to think.”

Yes
, indeed, I imagined there would be a great deal of thinking on his pending journey.

My father came home. I spent hours preparing my mother, in an attempt to keep her from driving him off permanently. If Mummy had a
rage
the moment Papa walked into the house, he’d have an excellent excuse to leave forever. I suspected that was the advice that Blake had given him. I patiently explained that if Papa truly had deep feelings for Edwina, Mummy would be playing right into his hands if she was out of control when he returned. I told my mother that such behavior would give him a perfect excuse to turn and walk away, saying that his health wouldn’t permit him to live with her. Mummy nodded her head, and actually seemed to be listening to me, for the first time in her life. Once again, roles reversed, with me acting the parent and Mummy, the child. I was certain that my father was expecting my mother to attack him the moment he arrived. Mummy was instructed to do exactly the opposite. I told her that she needed to be kind, solicitous, and concerned for his health. She should ask if he was tired from the long journey, tell him his bed was turned down, and that a tray was ready. Mummy promised that she would do all of those things.

An hour before his arrival,
Mummy decided that there should be roaring fires in all of the rooms. She had Nan, violet, Roe and me scurrying about laying the proper kindling. Joseph had gone to the depot to collect Papa, and Perkins had the day off. They were the ones who normally would have seen to such chores. Unfortunately, the chimney flue in the master bedchamber was closed, unbeknownst to any of us. Thus, when the fire was lighted, smoke began to billow out in large clouds. The room quickly filled. I ran to the telephone, rang the firehouse, and requested that they immediately dispatch a truck. It arrived at almost the exact time that Joseph pulled up in front of the house with Papa in the car. It was a strange homecoming. By then, Mummy had lost all composure and forgotten everything that I had told her. As Papa entered the house, Mummy ran to him and started beating him on his chest.

“Da
mn you, Nigel. This is entirely your fault. If I hadn’t been worn to a frazzle over what you’ve done to me, I would have remembered to check the fireplace flue. You’re the one who always does such things. It wasn’t my responsibility. You …you …
Dickhead
! Now, we’ll have to have the entire bedroom wing redecorated. The damage is horrific.”

“Cal
m down, Pamela,” he said, in his usual stoic manner. “That sort of language doesn’t become you at all. The fire lads will take care of it. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed”.

He looked so
mewhat pale, but otherwise seemed to be his usual self. Shrugging out of his overcoat and hat, he handed them to Nan, and climbed the stairway, presumably to survey the damage. I reminded my mother of the topic we had discussed earlier.

“Oh Bugger off,
Sophia,” Mummy shrieked. This isn’t my fault. I would have been fine if that terrible flue had been open. This is your father’s fault … all of it.”

I threw up
my hands in surrender, gave a deep sigh, and headed toward the stairs to write a letter to Spence. There was nothing else to do. It was time to turn my attention to what mattered in my life …my husband and our little girl. As I walked toward my rooms, I remembered what Dr. Hausfater had said long ago, about Mummy’s lack of ‘coping skills.’
Oh, wasn’t he too right!
After I finished my letter, I rang for Nan, and asked that she bring a tray for dinner, so that Isabella and I could dine in our rooms. It seemed best to let Mummy and Papa fend for themselves. From time to time during the hours Isabella and I were ensconced in our rooms, I could hear their voices …Mostly Mummy’s …risen in anger. I knew that it would not end soon. There was no way the muddle could be sorted out in any sensible or calm manner. However, I also knew that I couldn’t continue to be a referee in their God-awful battles. Isabella asked me, during our en suite meal, whether her grandparents were having a row. She was old enough to know that there was something very wrong. I didn’t lie.

“Yes, I’
m afraid they are. I think we must let them try to work it out, as best they can, without our interference. Sometimes married people go through rough patches.”

“It
theemth like Grandmother is mad at Grandfather,” she said, wisely.

“Yes, that’s the way it is,” I replied. “But, she’s been angry before, and I i
magine she’ll get over it.”

“Did he do th
omething bad?”

“You
might say that,” I answered. “But, it’s nothing for you to worry about.” She was silent for a moment.

“Where did Aunt Edwina and Kippy go? I liked having Kippy here. It was fun to have a baby.”

“Well, sweetheart, they had to leave. They weren’t going to stay here forever. It was just a temporary place to be until Edwina decided where to settle.”

“But, where are Kippy and Aunt Edwina
going
?”

“I’
m not really certain. I think they’ve gone to Bristol for a few days, and then perhaps back to London.”

“I wish they could have st
hayed,” she said, looking rather sad.

“Darling you have your little friends at school, and isn’t it nice to be just the two of us again?”

“Yes, I sth’pose. But I wish Papa could be here too.”

“Of course, darling. I wish so too, and won’t that be a wonderful day? Oh Isabella, he’ll be so happy to see you. To see how
much you’ve grown, and how beautiful you’ve become.”

“Yeth
, and to see how beautiful you are too, Mummy.”

I laughed. “You are such a precious, little
girl. I’m so lucky to have you and to have Papa. We’re a very lucky threesome.”

There was a quiet knock at the door, and I opened it to find
my father standing there, looking rather pathetic. I invited him in, and asked Isabella to go and play in her room for a bit, while I spoke with him. Papa sat down in the chintz chair by the fireplace. “So how is it to be home again?” I asked, rather snidely.

“Frankly, I’d rather be al
most anywhere else on Earth. Nevertheless, I’m taking my punishment. Pamela needs to get all of the anger out. There’s a lot of it, and it will take time.”

“Yes, I’ve no doubt that’s true,” I frowned. “You can scarcely bla
me her, Papa.”

“
No. I don’t. My God, we men can do stupid things, can’t we?” he mused.

“What can I say,
Papa? You know how I feel about this whole mess. I’ll never understand why you got involved with Edwina. Of all the people in the world, why Edwina?”

“
Sophia, she was there. She made it easy. I don’t mean to place the blame upon her, but that’s the truth. She was right there under my nose. Moreover, she listened to me. She hung on my every word... Treated me as if I am some sort of God …Made me feel special. God knows, Pamela has never done much of that.”

“I know that,
Papa, and I’m sorry for what you’ve missed in your marriage. But, I can’t condone the affair with Edwina.”

“I understand,” he answered, but continued, as though he had a vast need to unburden hi
mself. “It wasn’t just the attention she paid me, either. It was more than that. Sophia, I don’t know if Edwina never had much sex in her life, or just what, but she was an absolute wild woman in bed.”

“Oh, I can assure you, she had plenty of sex in her life
,” I laughed. However, Papa you shouldn’t be telling me this. I don’t want to hear about you and Edwina in bed.”

Yes, I understand. I’
m only trying to explain what the attraction was. She isn’t really beautiful, you know. I wouldn’t have thought that I would find her type attractive. Her bosoms are much too large and she’s actually a bit plump for my taste. But, still, there is something...”

“
Papa, the only thing I care about now is whether or not I can trust you to have ended it? I absolutely cannot go through any more of this. I’m still terribly disturbed that Kippy may be your child, and I don’t understand how you aren’t sick with worry about that possibility.”

“I care very
much about the truth of Kippy’s paternity, but there’s nothing I can do. Whether Kippy existed or not, I would still feel obligated to provide financially for Edwina. After all, I certainly brought her life to shambles.”

“
Papa, she had a choice! She’s not a child. We’ve discussed this before. You act like she’s a twelve-year old.”

“I’
m much older than she is, and should have been the one to put a stop to it before it got out of hand.”

“I think Edwina wanted it to get out of hand. She set her cap for you
, Papa. Can’t you see that? Didn’t it ever cross your mind that Edwina had to have learned her ‘wild ways in bed’ from someone else along the line?””

“Perhaps. However, I owe her so
mething and intend to see to my obligation. Particularly since I feel the only course of action that can be taken with your mother is to make
her
believe that it wasn’t a full-blown affair ….And that Edwina was totally at fault. It’s what Pamela
wants
to believe. She needs to believe that, in order to stay with me.”

“Are you saying that you’re
still
not going to tell Mummy the entire truth?” I asked, with great annoyance.

“I can’t,
Sophia. It would destroy her. She already believes that Edwina instigated this whole thing … That she seduced and tried to entrap me.”

“What exactly have you told her?”

“Well, I told her that there was only one physical encounter. That I took Edwina to dinner in Paris, and we drank too much wine. She thinks that’s disgusting enough, but it’s
much
better than her knowing that this has gone on for years.”

“You honestly think she believes you? She’s
seen
the list of telephone conversations, and read the letter you wrote. Mummy isn’t stupid, Papa On top of that, Edwina herself indicated to Mummy that you and she had numerous and varied sexual experiences.”

“
I can brush that aside by saying that Edwina was only trying to hurt her. I know she isn’t a fool, but because Edwina has been such a part of this family for so long, she believes that the telephone conversations
were
about business matters. And also about her marriage to Dieter. That I was giving her advice.”

“Oh, Lord help
me! So, now we’re going to have to live with another layer of lies in this family? Papa, why? Why is it so impossible for anyone to tell the truth in this family?”

“I don’t like to hurt people,” he replied. “I hate confrontation.”

“Oh, Papa! Did you ever think about not doing the things that cause the hurt to begin with?” I asked, in exasperation. I want an answer to the question I asked of you back at the hotel in Bristol. Have you been involved with other women during your marriage to Mummy? “

He sat there, silent for a minute, and it was very clear that he was debating whether or not to tell me the truth. Finally he answered. “Not while you children were small. But, later, yes. They were simply affairs. They didn’t mean anything to me. It was just a way to escape my unhappiness. Edwina is the only one who really meant anything to me.”
He fiddled with the glasses he was holding. Then, he ran his fingers through his thick, dark hair. Sophia, I’m going to tell you something that I have never shared with a living soul. I’m going to tell you the truth about how my marriage to your mother came about.”

“I’m not certain I even want to hear this. I believe all of us have wondered why in the world you married her, if you had the slightest inkling that she suffered from such mental problems.”

“I met your mother in 1910. She was absolutely gorgeous. I had never known anyone like her. Of course, I had been a bachelor for a good many years. I was thirty-nine when I met her. Since my school days, I had become well-versed in knowing the proper thing to say to women….what you young people today would call a ‘line’. I knew them all. The first outing we had, I escorted her to a Ball. As I was gliding across the dance floor with her, I said something I had probably said a thousand times to other girls. I said, ‘My mother told me that there would be nights like this.’” Papa laughed. “The truth, Sophia, is that my mother died when I was only eight years old. Of course, Pamela didn’t know that then. There was nothing terribly evil about it. I was just having a bit of fun.”

I smiled. What he was telling me wasn’t terribly unusual, even by 1940’s standards.

“I followed that ‘line’ up with another of my favorites,” he continued. I said, ‘Pamela dear, what would you say if I asked you to marry me?’ I’d asked that same question of hundreds of girls, feeling perfectly safe, because no girl in her right mind would accept a proposal on a second outing. Well, Pamela was different. She said, ‘Why don’t you ask me and see?’ I was only flirting. Certainly not serious. But, she had carried it that far, so I answered her. ‘Pamela, will you marry me?’ I asked, smiling, but certainly not in a serious tone of voice. My God, Sophia, she said ‘yes’. The next thing I knew, she had run to her father and mother and told them that I had proposed to her, and that she had accepted!
I was literally trapped
. In 1910, to have backed out of a proposal might well have been cause for a duel! I know you’ve heard the story that my father had recently died, and I’d discovered that the Estate was nearly insolvent. That is true. But, there were many, many women whom I knew much better than Pamela that I might have married. Ladies of my own class. Pamela had what many people today would call a ‘past’. She had run off to
Gretna Green
when only sixteen, and married. Of course, her parents were apoplectic, and had it annulled. However, she was already with child, by the time they found out. The baby was adopted out, and we have no idea where she went. It was a girl. I didn’t know all of this until I married her. Anyway, before I knew what had happened, I was engaged to be married. Her father actually bought the ring that I gave her! The whole fiasco was most peculiar. He immediately also gave me her dowry, which was very extensive. However, she was lovely, and seemed to be well-bred, if not noble, plus she did have that large dowry, which I sorely needed, so I went ahead with the marriage. Not long after I learned why her parents and she had been so anxious for her to walk down the aisle. On the morning after our wedding night, she threw her first tantrum.”