Willow Grove Abbey (27 page)

“I haven’t
considered
him
perfec
t
for a long time, Spence. I know he has flaws... some of them very pronounced... Moreover, of course, I know that Edwina has her faults. But, goodness, it’s a long way from admitting that one’s father and best friend have faults, to accepting that they may be involved in a love affair.”

“I
understand that Sophia, and you don’t know anything with certainty. I admit that it looks suspicious. However, if that
is
the case, you must understand that you cannot control your father’s or anyone else’s behavior. We both know that your mother has not always made life pleasant for your father. Would it be so strange then, if he turned elsewhere for the affection he doesn’t receive at home?”

Of course, Spence
knew of Mummy’s
rages
, but my first reaction, resulting from years of denial, was to defend my mother. Then I realized that I needed to be truthful, both with Spence and with myself. Still, was Spence suggesting that if there was any truth to the possibility that Papa and Edwina were involved romantically, it was justified because of Mummy’s
rages?
I could
never
adopt such a perspective, and said as much. “If Papa is so unhappy that he feels the need to step outside of his marriage for comfort, then divorce is always an option. I could never condone an extra-marital affair, particularly with my former school roommate and best friend. There are a potful of women in the world. It wouldn’t be difficult for a man like Papa, with heaps of money, and a seat in Parliament, besides a magnificent country house, to find himself a mistress. I’m not a fool, Spence, I know that it’s done all of the time. But, Edwina...?”

“
No, Sophia, I’m not suggesting such a thing. I just want you to be your loving and forgiving self. I, as well as anyone, know that you too, are human. I know the pain you have experienced at your father’s hands. But, surely, Sophia, you of all people, can understand how it might be possible for two people to fall in love, even when there’s an impediment to their having a future together?” His words seared my soul.
How could I possibly have been so foolish... so insensitive as to not have recognized how grossly ridiculous it was to be reaching out to Spence at such a moment?
I looked down at the table and twirled my glass in my hands. “Sophia, I can’t bear to see you this unhappy. Please don’t cry,” he said, as he reached across and placed his hand over mine.

“Oh
Spence... I’m sorry. I am just so confused. I shouldn’t have burdened you with this. You’re right... I should not assign one set of principles to my father and Edwina, and another to myself. Thank you for reminding me of that.”

“
Sophia, the hardest part of this is the realization that
if
there is any truth to it, Edwina is the ‘other woman’
.
I believe you could accept an indiscretion on the part of your father, however painful that might be, if the female involved was a stranger. However, Edwina is your best friend. I know how you feel about her. I understand why you would view such an involvement as a betrayal of your friendship.”

“
Of course it’s a betrayal of our friendship!
” I nearly shouted.
“
The whole idea of Papa and Edwina makes me ill! Edwina is like family
.
It’s…it’s…
in essence, it’s incestuous
.”

“Cal
m down, Sophia. I understand. You don’t know anything with certainty. Perhaps your father is telling the truth. Perhaps it
is
just a fantasy on his part. Men
do
go through periods of odd behavior, often at mid-life. You women don’t have a lock on that, you know.” He smiled that marvelous smile of his.”

“Do you believe
Papa’s explanation?” I asked. It was impossible for me to imagine that he did.

“I believe he doesn’t want to cause you pain. Whatever the
truth
, I’m virtually certain that he isn’t going to tell you any more than he already has. Whether or not what he has told you
is
true, I can’t really say. I don’t know your father well enough. Well... let’s face it, Sophia, I don’t know him at all.”

His co
mment made me realize how rather foolish it was for me to be asking Spence’s advice about the motives and actions of a man whom he had never met. It also reminded me of the twists and turns our own relationship had taken, and of how much I wished Spence
did
know my parents. Perhaps, if I had
braced myself long ago, and let the meeting take place, I wouldn’t be sitting with him now, having married a man I didn’t love, and having had
Spence’s daughter without his having been aware of
it The entire tangled mess was horrifically complex.

“
My God, Spence. If they’re involved in an affair, what if he leaves my mother and marries Edwina?”

“That’s awfully hard to i
magine, isn’t it? It’s a far cry from a dalliance outside of marriage to leaving your wife and marrying the woman, whomever she may be.”

“Spence, I think I’d lose
my mind. That would just be too impossible. Things like that don’t happen in the real world. Do they?”

“Unfortunately
Sophia, things like that
do
happen in the real world, all too often. I could name you scores of families in Britain where precisely that sort of thing has occurred. I must say, however, even in families like the
Simpson’s’
I don’t believe there has ever been a scandal involving a daughter’s schoolmate. When I make reference to the
Simpson’s
, you know I’m speaking of our former beloved Prince Edward and Wallis Simpson. One can go back as far as Henry VIII and clearly see how often divorce and remarriage has taken place on our Fair Isle. However, I think we’re both getting ahead of ourselves. Right now, you don’t even know that they really are involved in an affair. Perhaps it’s a bit of a flirtation, and that will be the end of it.”

“Oh goodness
, I hope you’re right. I don’t see that I have a lot of choice except to believe his explanation. There would be no point in confronting Edwina. I would only cause Papa embarrassment by telling Edwina about this, if it isn’t true.”

“Ab
solutely right. I think that’s very wise thinking. I know you won’t forget this has happened, and I would suggest that you be somewhat guarded where both your father and Edwina are concerned, at least for a time. But, don’t let it consume you.”

“What do you
mean
guarded
?”

“That’s what I
meant a moment ago. Don’t tell Edwina something that you would prefer your father not know... if there
is
anything of that nature in your life. That’s where an involvement between your father and your friend could become sticky. Friends share secrets, as do lovers.”

Isabell
a
! My first thought was of my daughter. Edwina knew everything. She had been my salvation during the pregnancy and birth. Would she tell Papa that Isabella was not Owen’s child? Obviously, that was a concern I couldn’t discuss with Spence.

“
Sophia, what is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he said, with concern. “You’re white as a sheet.”

What?
Oh... nothing. I was just thinking of something. Your comment about friends sharing secrets reminded me of something.”

“
Nothing you want to share with me?”

“No, I’
m afraid not, Spence. I’m sorry.”

“A
h... Far be it for me to interfere with the secrets of two
Ashwick Park
girls
,
” he laughed.

Th
at was the first bit of levity in what had been an otherwise solemn afternoon. I returned the smile. “Oh Spence, I’m so confused and frightened. What if my mother learns of this? She has always treated Edwina like a daughter... better than a daughter. And if she ever thinks that I knew... or that I even suspected... well, I just don’t even want to think about what could
happen.
”

“S
ince you’ve told your father what you found in his hotel room, he’s going to be very circumspect. If nothing else, he’s surely going to become less careless. I shouldn’t overly worry that your mother will discover anything.”

“
My mother is totally capable of killing Edwina... and Papa, and probably me
.
Most probably, me,” I replied, with a half-hearted, watery smile.

“I’d forgotten what a beautiful s
mile you have,” he said, suddenly changing the subject. The compliment unnerved me. “How is Charlotte?” I blurted out.

“Charlotte
? She’s well. Just opened in a new West End play.”

“
How nice. You must be very proud of her.”
That was one of the hardest sentences I have ever uttered.

“
Yes, she’s quite a fine actress, actually.” He was now turning
his
glass round in his hands, looking as though he wasn’t certain what to say next. It was unlike Spence.

“Have you set a date, then?
” I asked.

“No
…No... It’s been, well... complicated...”

“I suppose it’s hard when she has an erratic sc
hedule, what with rehearsals, openings, and so forth?”

“Yes
... Quite”. Spence looked distressed. He would not meet my eyes. A silence ensued. “Oh, Hell Sophia. The truth is there is not going to be any setting of a date. We have broken it off. It just didn’t seem right. To be honest, after I saw you that night in Paris... and then again in Sloan Square... I realized that it was too soon after us
.
I don’t know. I just
couldn’t go through with it. I’d allowed the engagement to go on for too long. I knew that I would never carry through on the marriage. Finally, I summoned up enough courage to admit I couldn’t marry her.”

M
y heart soared, even though I tried to make the requisite remarks about how sorry I was to hear about the end of his engagement to Charlotte. “I’m sorry, Spence. But, I must be honest. I never thought Charlotte was the right girl for you. She’s much taken with herself, and not at all ‘down to earth’. She never struck me as a girl who would want to be a doctor’s wife.”

“
Oh... she’s a bit different when one peels away the outer layers. She’s really rather insecure. The difficulty wasn’t with her. To be honest, Sophia, I was somewhat surprised that you were able to move on so quickly after our relationship ended. You were married to Lord Winnsborough within a matter of months.”

“Lord
Winnsborough and I had known each other all of our lives, Spence.”

“I
know. Obviously, you were much better suited, but still. . .”

I
couldn’t bear the hurt that was so apparent in his eyes. “Spence, I didn’t love him as I loved you. That kind of love doesn’t come along often. I married him because... because... My voice trailed off.

“You
married him because?”

“Well, because, I knew
my parents would approve, and he was considered suitable. I knew I would never feel about anyone the way I felt about you, so I decided to settle for a life with Owen.”

“Oh
Sophia, what a muck we made of everything. In other words, you simply
settled.
Did it have to be that way?”

“I believed it did,
Spence.”

“Why did I always feel that there was so
mething you weren’t telling me? That you were holding back?”

I
looked down at the table. My hands were clenched in my lap, and I was biting my cheek. “I don’t know,” I murmured.

“
Sophia, look at me. I think you
do
know. What is it you haven’t told me?” He reached across the table and put his finger under my chin, tilting it upward.

“
Spence, can’t we just leave it alone? What is done, is done. What difference does any of it make now?”

“It
matters because I still love you.” I jerked my head, and gazed at him. I could not believe he had said those words. It was hard for me to believe that he was sitting there across from me, so strong, handsome and sensitive, when I had never dared even hope that I would see him again, let alone hear those words from him. I began to blink back tears.

“
Sophia, please tell me the truth. Whatever it is, it cannot hurt more than that which I’ve already endured.”

“
It’s all so complicated.”

“J
ust start at the beginning.”

“Re
member the night at
The Royal
, after I’d seen my parents and spoken with them about us?”