Willow (15 page)

“This is what I’m giving you until I can tell you more.”

“You can but you won’t,” I said in defeat.

His eyes trailed from my face to the house where something seemed to distract him.

“I’ll be right back...”

With those words he squeezed my hands, which were folded on my lap; he swiftly strode up the steps and went inside. Since he didn’t invite me in I got up and walked around. I felt uncomfortable standing outside and I made my way to the side of the house but before I could turn around I heard them. Levi and Haven were in a dispute and it was about me.

“She will die sooner than you!” Levi snapped. “Just like everyone else you’ve ever cared about. Do you want that? Can you live through that again? All of us have lost someone, why would you volunteer for it?”

“My life, my choices; you can’t decide what’s right for me.”

“I can tell you what I think! She is a wounded animal, one who drew you in because you’ve always had a weakness for the vulnerable.”

My skin bristled as Levi spoke so unkindly of me.

“What should be done with a wounded animal? We both know the answer to that. It should be put out of its misery before suffering further, or worse, causing harm to someone else.”

“What an ironic thing to say,” Haven hissed. “What we are causes people to suffer. She is different, yes, like us. None of us fit in anywhere, which is why we’re drawn to one another. How can you try to deny me what I want and need when you know how it feels to be lonely?”

“How can you want
that
with her?” Levi thundered. “She’s more likely to kill you than comfort you, especially after what you did.”

My thoughts were confounded. What was Levi talking about? I wasn’t like them! Least of all, I was a danger to no one.

“Levi, she is not like that. She is more like her father. I know, I’ve seen.”

“I’m just asking you to watch your back, and ours. I thought we got away from all of that. I want no further involvement as I have my own to protect.”

“Thanks for your support brother,” Haven said crossly. “This thing is bigger than just one girl and you know it.”

I had heard enough and walked back to the front of the house and looked longingly at the dirt road that led away from all that I wanted to confront and also walk away from. Could my feelings have been anymore conflicted?

I started walking to my Jeep when Haven bounded to my side. He took me by the arm and turned me to face him. He seemed to be restraining himself but his grip was unyielding. I didn’t think he realized his own strength. I grimaced slightly. “That hurts.”

He relaxed his hold and let me go. “You’re coming here has presented me with a dilemma so great I am unsure how to go about handling it. You seem so unaware of your history, not to mention what’s happening around you. I don’t think you’re ready but time is not on our side.”

“It’s not on anyone’s,” I mumbled. “All I want is for people to be honest with me. I feel like the truth is concealed by small offerings of half- truths, which leave me feeling more confused. I know I have a lot to learn, so enlighten me, I can handle it.”

“If you want the truth, then you have to be just as truthful. No more hiding.”

“Fine,” I said. “None of this makes sense. I almost don’t want it to because ignorance is bliss. Promise me Haven...promise me that next time we talk you won’t hold back.”

With those words and Haven’s agreement, I drove back to town.

Late that night all the words I had heard and all the stories I had listened to kept me up. I was exhausted but unable to sleep. When slumber eventually came, frightening images dominated my dreams. I woke in a fright and stared into the black night. I clutched my blanket as I sat up and pulled it tight. Into the darkness I whispered, “Pandora?”

I heard her rustle nearby and a second later felt her reassuring nuzzle at my side. I grabbed a handful of fur and stroked her. Satisfied I was okay she returned to her bed. I heard a howl outside my window but with Pandora so near I felt no fear. I readjusted myself, pulled the covers tight once more, and attempted to sleep without dreaming.

Chapter 20

Christmas Eve, for all its magical meaning, fell on an enchanting day with a snowfall so pure and light that it seemed to keep in harmony with the classical Christmas music Anne had playing. Days ago Anne and I had decorated the tree that Jericho and Reece had so thoughtfully brought over, and with the tree came a gift from Jericho to Anne and a gift from Reece to me.

In exchange I had made an assortment of baked goods for Reece and placed them in red and green cellophane bags tied with ribbon.

Resting under the tree in a tiny blue box tied with gold trim sat the gift he had given to me. Beside it was another gift, from Anne. There weren’t many presents but that somehow made the gifts that were there seem even more special.

A pang rose in my throat as it reminded me of my dad and the cozy holidays we always spent together. We lacked the material things but more than made up for it with meaningful moments. My hand lightly brushed down the pine needles until my fingers rested on a small, worn ornament. The date was etched into the frame and under the date was a tiny black and white photo of my parents and me. I sat on my dad’s lap and my mom was leaned in to both of us. I stared at our image, now a distant memory lost in time. I couldn’t imagine why our time together had been so brief and why their love couldn’t have been for a lifetime. What would it have been like if she had lived? What would it be like right now if we were together the way it should be?

I heard Anne humming in the kitchen and the scent of garlic bread and lasagna perfumed the air with warmth and comfort. I knew that Anne was putting the finishing touches on her meal before Jericho and Reece came over for dinner. I had already ironed a red tablecloth and arranged Anne’s holiday China on the round table - a table for four. Pandora came around the corner. I heard her before I saw her. Anne had tied a red ribbon and a small bell around her neck. I leaned down and let Pandora touch my face with her wet nose. Giggling I motioned for her to follow as I led the way into the living room. I sat on the couch and looked outside as the snow fell. The street was empty and bathed in a blanket of white. The snowfall reminded me of Christmas in Woodland Park and of the last Christmas with my dad.

He had given me another set of tablets to journal in and a beautiful red sweater, which was quite the gift as my dad didn’t like to shop. Earlier I had gone into Old Colorado City and had a man carve my dad’s favorite military poem into a piece of polished wood. I had also taken my dad’s camera and a tripod and with Pandora by my side, took a self-portrait that I framed for him. Later we sat side by side at our little kitchen table, lit a single red candle, and ate fondue as we watched Pandora frolic in the snow.

And now I was here, in Anne’s home awaiting friends and making new memories with the old ones to sustain me.

“Oh Jericho, it’s beautiful!”  Anne held up an ornament, much like the one I had been looking at earlier. Except this one was a photo of Jericho and Anne, taken on Thanksgiving.

Jericho smiled. “I’m glad you like it. I’m not really good at this sort of thing.”

Anne leaned over and kissed him while he put his arm around her. Reece was sitting next to me and leaned in closer as he pointed to the blue box.

“Your turn.”

His arm brushed against mine as he reached for the box. I looked at Anne and could see her anticipation. Reece handed me the gift and his finger trailed one of mine as I took it from him. I tugged at the ribbon and opened the box. A black felt box lay inside and I flipped it open to see a ring with a small emerald cut garnet set between two small diamonds. Before I could say anything Reece cleared his throat.

“I know it’s your birthstone, January 5
th
, right? I’ve never seen you wear a ring. I saw it and thought you would like it. You’ve had quite a journey and they say that the garnet is a protective gem of journeyers.”

“Reece, that was very kind of you,” Anne praised.

He beamed at her in return.

“Thanks for the tip on her allergy.”

I took the ring out, turned it over, and sighed.

“Reece, I can’t, it’s too much.”

Reece looked crestfallen.

“I couldn’t think of what else to get you, what else would suit you. I saw this and thought of you.”

Jericho leaned forward to pat his son on the shoulder and winked at me.

“Don’t disappoint the boy. He worked a long time for that.”

Not wanting to damper anyone’s spirits, and feeling remarkably touched by his gift, no matter how undeserved, I smiled and slid the ring on my middle finger.

“It fits…”

I looked up at Reece and raised my hand to show him.

“That was very generous…I don’t know what else to say,” I said.

“Thank you is always good,” Anne suggested with a smile.

“Yes, of course. Thank you Reece.”

I reached over to hug him and he hugged me back even tighter. I pulled away and extended my hand to gaze at the ring.

“How did you know what size to buy?”

“I didn’t. Not really. I guessed. When we were holding hands--you know, on Thanksgiving--I was comparing your fingers to mine. I wanted to get it right and I knew I couldn’t ask.”

I tried to keep from blushing as what I remembered most from that day was the kiss we shared and how it had been so pure. I looked into Reece’s olive-green eyes and wondered if he was sharing my thoughts. When it appeared he did by the tender way he studied me, I averted his gaze and warmed up inside. I had a wonderful relationship with Reece but somehow I doubted whether I was good for him. I looked down at my hand and suddenly felt older than my years.

“Shall we go eat?” Anne asked.

By the time we finished dessert and were relaxing with warm mugs of white hot chocolate, Reece and I were playing a card game on the coffee table while Anne and Jericho dawdled in the kitchen.

Reece and I were playfully throwing a couple marshmallows at each other when we heard the unmistakable sound of a kiss. We looked at each other while trying to suppress our mutual amusement. Reece leaned over and inclined his head toward the front door.

“Come with me.”

I took his hand and followed him quietly.

“I want to ask you something,” he whispered as he shot me a devilish grin. He began to open the door and I laughed out loud.  

“What, I couldn’t possibly, I have no shoes on…“

Very swiftly Reece scooped me up in his arms and swept me out the door. Once outside he spun me around while holding me tight. I leaned my head back and laughed joyfully. Snow was still falling, the porch was covered in light powder, and I was in a red silk shirt, black pants and black socks but I couldn’t have been any warmer than I was in the comforting arms that held me.

Reece laughed as snow accumulated in our hair and then he was still, keeping me cradled against him while looking at me seriously. The smile faded from my lips as I gazed back at him. I felt my heart rate accelerate as his frosty breath fanned my face and I closed my eyes when I felt his warm lips press against mine, softly at first and then with urgency. I moved my hand from his arm to caress his neck. Reece was the one to pull back first and he did so slowly. With tender concern he looked at me and without saying anything he brought me back inside. We shook the snow from our hair and clothes and I excused myself so I could change but as I took one step in front of him, he pulled me back until my back was pressed against his chest.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” he whispered against my hair. “Would you go out with me?”

“Are you asking about a date or a relationship?” I questioned quietly, all the while trying to keep my heart from palpitating. Reece didn’t know it but he was the only one I had ever kissed.

“I want you to be with me,” he said with confidence.

Not knowing how to answer I stood there anxiously.

“Maybe we should have had this conversation before kissing.”

“Maybe, but words would have ruined the moment.”

His voice lowered even more, “This isn’t some crush. Not for me. I care about you.”

Fearfully I began to panic. My mind raced. I was unsure about everything and everyone. Why couldn’t this be simple? Why did it feel so right and yet so wrong? I was cruel and undeserving. Tears hovered near the surface. I pulled free from the arms that held me so protectively and without looking back I sprinted up the stairs and into my room, away from him and away from the pressure that permeated the air.

Chapter 21

“I’m crazy,” I stated as Anne sat down in the chair next to my bed. “I don’t deserve him.”

Jericho and Reece were downstairs and I felt guilty for putting a stain on an otherwise wonderful day.

“That’s the great thing about love,” Anne said. She put her hand on my arm and squeezed lightly. “When it’s real, it’s extended freely and felt unconditionally.”

“What’s wrong with me?” I cried. “I shouldn’t be this confused. When I’m with Reece it feels right and when I’m with
him
it also feels right. There is someone else to consider, too. It’s not supposed to be this way.”

“By him you mean Haven? By someone else you mean Amber?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t have the answers,” Anne said wistfully. “But I will leave you with two things to ponder…As long as you’re straightforward with Amber, that’s the important thing. Secrets destroy relationships. As for the two young men, can you be with one and miss the other? If so, that’s unfair to both of them. You will have to make this decision for yourself.”

“I wish one of them would make it for me.”

Anne’s soft laughter filled the air. “That would be too easy wouldn’t it? Love is not that way, as you and I are both well aware. And maybe it shouldn’t be. If love were easy, it wouldn’t be appreciated.”

She stood but turned to look at me. “Let it happen naturally and without pressure. Don’t love out of obligation. Be fair to them and to yourself.”

All I knew about love was that pain was an accompaniment and the more I loved, the more I would lose. I didn’t think I was that strong.

My hand rested on the banister and I could hear them in the living room. I made my descent and saw Reece resting against the doorway. His arms were folded and his eyes settled on me as his hair fanned across his forehead. Like before, I felt chagrin warming my cheeks. I stopped two stairs short. I summoned a smile and watched his face soften, although he didn’t smile back. Feeling conspicuous, I covered the ring with my other hand. This action brought a smirk to Reece’s lips and I could see him draw in a breath of air. He pushed away from the wall and approached me. We were eye to eye and I felt myself starting to back up a stair but Reece inclined his head slightly to the left and his eyes were so piercing I knew he was telling me not to. I stayed put.

“You first,” he challenged.

I hesitated, not knowing how I could explain myself. “I think you deserve better than what I can offer you.”

“Bullshit,” Reece spat. “I know what makes me happy, I know what I want.”

“You don’t know me, not really,” I protested softly.

Reece sighed.  “That’s the thing Willow; let me get to know you. Isn’t that the point of going out?”

I rolled my eyes, more at myself than him. He was right. “I don’t know what I want. I’m really confused right now.”

“Getting to know people instead of pushing them away is one way to figure that out, don’t you think?”

How could I argue when what he was saying was true?