Will to Love (5 page)

"Daniel, not yet."
 
She felt her face flush with embarrassment and contrition as the words tumbled out of her mouth.
 

"Please, Clarise.
 
You know we've waited long enough," Daniel mumbled against her throat, his hand finding its way under her blouse and up the side of her breast.

She gave Daniel another push, much more forceful this time.
 
"I'm...I'm not ready yet."

"Fuck!" Daniel said angrily as he broke away from her.

"Clarise, it's been eleven weeks since we started seeing each other!
 
That's two and a half months!
 
Two and a half months of wining and dining you, giving you flowers, taking you out on dates, meeting your parents and many more little actions that I had hoped would show you I care for you.
 
You're twenty-nine years old, I'm thirty.
 
So what's the problem?
 
What are you waiting for?" he shouted at her, anger and frustration etched in his face.

She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again and just looked at her clasped hands.
 
She'd already told him many times before that she wasn't ready.
 
Oh, she could understand where he was coming from, could understand his frustration.
 
He had really been a wonderful, attentive boyfriend in the last two and a half months.
 
But what could she do?
 
She was simply not ready.
 
She didn't know what else to say.

"Clarise, if we care about each other...if you really care for me, you'll let me touch you and make love to you.
 
I just don't understand why you won't let me!"

"Well, if you really care for me, you'll wait until I'm ready," she retorted, angry now, too, that Daniel was pushing her into a decision she wasn't ready for.
 

"When will you be ready, Clarise?
 
How much longer should I wait?"

She didn't answer.
 
She couldn't because she didn't really have one.
 
So she just shrugged and stared at her hands.

"What else can I do to help you be ready?
 
What else can I do to make you trust me?" Daniel asked pleadingly.

She continued to stare at her hands and gave him another shrug.

Daniel let out a big, ragged sigh.
 
Quietly but with a hard edge in his tone that made her look up, he said, "It's obvious something is not working between us.
 
I can't seem to get through to you and you can't seem to trust me for whatever reason."
 
He sighed again, defeated.
 
"I don't want this anymore, Clarise.
 
It's too hard.
 
I think it's best that we don't see each other anymore."
 
And with that, he turned around, gathered his jacket and car key, and left her apartment.

She didn't try to wipe away the tears that flowed freely down her cheeks.
 
She stood there for long moments, looking out the kitchen window unseeingly, until she felt somewhat numb.
 
Numb apart from a little stirring in the depths of her gut that seemed to tell her her tears were not quite due to a broken heart.
 
She cared about Daniel but, once again, she didn't give herself - and the guy - the chance to let that develop into something deeper, something more meaningful, something trusting.
 
It was at that time that she admitted it to herself.
 
She knew it was a broken trust from seven years ago that had been colouring her every relationship since then.
 

~~

"Well, you really weren't in love with him, were you?" Faye asked.

Clarise told her the news the day after the break-up and Faye came to her place straight away.
 

They sat cross-legged on each end of Clarise's bulky, three-seater couch, facing each other and eating chocolate fudge ice cream.

"I don't know.
 
Well, in truth, no, it wasn't love.
 
I did care about him!
 
If he gave me more time though, it could have turned to love and I would have been ready."

Faye's beautiful face registered annoyance at her best friend.
 
"Again?", she said in exasperation.
 
"Clarise, you know I love you but even I would lose all patience with having to hear this same story again!
 
If you were in his shoes, can you really blame him for losing patience when you wouldn't open up your heart
and
your legs for him after all the perseverance and care he's shown for you?" Faye crudely asked, trying not to be too harsh with her tone but not quite succeeding.

Clarise's eyes widened at Faye's choice of words.
 
But she was used to Faye telling it as it is and that was one of the things she loved about her.
 
The two of them have been best friends since their university days and they knew each other's secrets.
 
Even though Faye didn't look like the supportive, consoling best friend at that moment, Clarise understood it was Faye's way of making her see reality and that her friend had her best interest at heart.
 
But she remained quiet in response to Faye's question and continued to eat her ice cream.

Relenting, Faye said in a concerned, insistent tone, "You know this is not the first time, Clarise.
 
If you're honest with yourself, you know that the real reason for this is you're afraid to trust, so you're afraid to love.
 
You're too afraid of getting hurt again.
 
You have to take some risks if you want to find love.
 
Sure, you might get hurt again but I'm also sure not all guys are like Nick."

There it was.
 
Somehow, Faye had verbalised what Clarise had known to be the big roadblock to her having a real, trusting, physical relationship again with a man.
 

And with sudden, blinding, clarity, she knew what she wanted.
 
It would be hard to get over her fears, yes, but she would try.
 
She was sick of feeling lonely.
 
And as a woman she had needs.
 
She wanted to open her heart again to a man, and yes, her legs too.
 
And it may not be in that order.

~~

Clarise brought herself back to the present, feeling an inexplicable transformation within her that she couldn't quite put a finger on.

~~

Clarise and Victor were sitting at their favourite table at the cafe they frequent for lunch.
 
For the last fifteen minutes, Victor had been regaling Clarise with the wonderful Sunday he and Evan spent together.
 

"It was really heavenly," he said for about the fifth time.
 
"So, darling, enough about me and my new man.
 
What about you and me and what your family thinks about us?"

Clarise grinned then put on a fake concerned look, "Well, Victor, I've been meaning to talk to you about us.
 
I really don't know how to say this but...I think we should just remain friends," she said gravely.

"Oh, my heart," Victor clutched his chest, feigning pain, "it's broken.
 
You just broke it!" He pretended to slump.
 
Clarise laughed at his antics.

"Does this have something to do with that super handsome devil named William Matthews?" he asked wickedly.

"Maybe."
 
Clarise looked down on her lunch, a little smile playing on her face.

"What do you mean, maybe?"

"Ok, yes, it has.
 
I spoke yesterday to Faye about it.
 
But then when I was in bed, I thought about my family and realised I'm still worried about what my family would think.
 
You know they've been really worried about me when I told them I broke up with Daniel.
 
Then they were really happy for me when I took you to the party.
 
And then now I'm going to have to tell them I 'broke up' with you after only, what, a few days of us going out.
 
With my track record, they'll be worried again and I won't hear the end of it."

"Oh, Clarise, you really worry too much!
 
But don't you see?
 
It's actually perfect."
 
Victor's eyes were now gleaming.
 
"When they think we're not together anymore, Megan can continue whatever matchmaking scheme she has with you and William."

"Will," Clarise said absently, following Victor's train of thought and seeing that things may not be so complicated after all.
 
Why hadn't she thought of that?

"Will what?"

"Huh?"

"You said 'Will'."

"Oh!
 
I think he likes to be called Will."

Victor snorted, "Not by me, he doesn't.
 
He said "William Matthews" with a look of hostility.
 
I'll bet he was jealous of me."

"How can he be jealous?
 
He only just met me."

"How can you be so taken by him?
 
You only just met him."

Victor had a point.
 
Although Clarise refused to believe Will was jealous.
 
Perhaps they did both feel attracted toward each other.
 
And Clarise decided she wouldn't mind finding out whether that attraction was still as strong as it was last Saturday.

"I wonder if he'll call about the article he wants for his business," she wondered aloud then gasped, sitting up straight on her chair.
 
"You know what that means, Victor.
 
If I have to work on an article for his business, I can't go out with him!
 
That would be seen as compromising my objectivity and I can't have that."

"Firstly, Clarise, no one who knows you would accuse you of not being truthful and objective with your reviews.
 
Secondly, who says you can't go out with him?
 
There are no official rules on that, they're just your own rules.
 
And thirdly, if it would really bother you that much, just give the work to Jessa.
 
Then you won't have that problem," Victor said emphatically as he finished his lunch.

"Hmm, that's an option."
 
Clarise was now starting to feel that there really are no barriers to seeing Will.
 
Why could her friends see the open road when she could only see the roadblocks?
 
She realised she may just be worrying too much, after all.

She turned back to Victor, remembering Evan.
 
"By the way, are you and Evan approaching serious territory?
 
Should I brace myself for some announcement that my "ex-boyfriend" had turned gay and fell for my sister's brother-in-law?"
 
She winced at the thought of the reaction that would get from her family.

Victor laughed, "No need to shudder at the thought yet, darling.
 
Evan and I are far from introducing ourselves to each other's families.
 
Who knows where our relationship would lead but we're far away from that.
 
We're just enjoying being with each other at the moment."

Clarise sighed her relief as she finished her lunch.
 
Then with flash of clarity, she realised she was envious of Victor's attitude towards his relationship with Evan.
 
She could tell he really liked him, probably falling for him even, but he didn't seem worried or concerned about what the future held or getting his heart broken.
 

Perhaps that's the kind of attitude I need to take, instead of worrying that my heart would be broken at every turn
.
 
Yes, that's it, she thought.
 
And she had already made the promise to have fun, hadn't she?

CHAPTER FOUR

Will wanted to see Clarise again.
 
Ever since Saturday night, he found himself thinking about her a lot, remembering their dance, the electricity that crackled between them, the way he felt as he held her, their mesmerising eye contact.
 
He felt another tightening of his groin, something that had been happening a lot in the last two days whenever he thought of Clarise.
 
Judging by the way she moulded with him during their dance, he knew their bodies fitted perfectly together.

He shook his head in frustration.
 
Damn it!
 
Just forget about her already.
 
She has a boyfriend.
 
And even if she was single, she may not appreciate a casual relationship
, he chided himself for what seemed to be the hundredth time since Saturday night.

The office phone on the corner of his tidy office desk rang, startling Will out of his rumination.
 
"Liz", he barked at his personal assistant, then realising his rather harsh tone, he added softly, "who is it?"

"It's your mother on the line, Will."

Will frowned with concern.
 
His mother hardly called him at work unless it was some sort of an emergency.
 

Taking the call, he said cautiously, "Hi, mum, what's wrong?"

"Hello, darling, what do you mean what's wrong?"
 
Ruth Matthews seldom called his son at work, knowing how busy he got, but she needed to let him know about this without delay.

"Well... you hardly ever call me at work unless it's something really important."

"Nothing's wrong, Will.
 
Just because I hardly call you at work doesn't mean there's something wrong when I do, does it?"

"I guess not," the smile in his voice indicating his relief.
 
"So what's up, mum?"