Wilder (The Renegades) (30 page)

I wavered, and not a slight sway, an earthquake kind of waver. “You haven’t even apologized. When you’re sorry, you’re supposed to apologize.”

He grimaced. “I can’t apologize for this because I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry about how I got you here, or for putting you in this suite. I’m not sorry about getting you to tutor me, or even putting you on the zip-line. I can’t regret a single thing that brought us here, brought me to you.”

As he walked toward me, I stopped retreating until he stood a breath away, his hands on my face. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets. I’m sorry for every time you were hurt on my watch. I’m sorry for every time you doubted yourself, every time I tried to hold back from you, because we could have had so much more time. I’m sorry for making fun of your travel wallet when it saved my ass. I’m sorry that I didn’t find you when we lived miles apart, before either of us became so jaded that neither of us believed love like this was possible. But mostly I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I loved you from the moment I realized it, the moment my chest thought it might burst from it. The moment I thought I almost lost you on the ramp, or the way you called me out on my bullshit in Istanbul. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in Mykonos when I found that missing piece of my soul inside you. But mostly, I’m sorry I didn’t say it back when you were brave enough to tell me that you loved me, because I wasn’t. Because I knew that the minute I let myself feel this”—he pulled my hand over his heart—“and you realized what I’d done, that you’d leave, and I’d be destroyed. All I have are shitty examples of how love turns out. Please forgive me. Show me there’s another outcome.”

“Paxton,” I whispered, unable to say anything else. Maybe it was enough. Maybe the circumstances that brought us together meant nothing in the long haul, and that what counted was the way we loved each other now. Maybe Rachel didn’t matter, the lies could be forgiven, and it was…possible. But I’d never know if he truly wanted me, or if he saw me as the lynchpin to Landon’s happiness.

A knock sounded at my door.

“Don’t answer it,” Paxton begged. “Whoever it is can wait until we get this settled.”

But I needed the breather, the space to think. I broke our quasi embrace and walked down the hall, Paxton on my heels, like he was scared I’d walk out before we finished.

The knob twisted in my hand, and I opened the door.

I gawked.

“Well, that’s some hello, nice to see you,” Rachel said before flinging her arms around my neck and pulling me into her familiar hug. “Thank God I found you. I saw this video on Instagram last week, and I knew I had to get here. Do you have any idea how many calls I had to make to get on the ship a week early? Or how many flights, for that matter? They only let me do it because second term starts at the next port and I told them I needed the same adjustment time the other students had gotten. I have to talk to you.”

She pulled back, cupping my face in her hands, concern lancing through her almond-shaped brown eyes as she saw tears in mine. “I’m too late, aren’t I?”

“I don’t…I don’t know,” I answered, unable to string anything else together. Instead, I stepped back enough to open the door full width. She was beautiful, average height, but always toned, her body the kind of perfection that Paxton was surrounded by daily. Her black hair had new purple streaks in it, just the tip of the iceberg when it came to the no-holds-barred way she expressed herself. She was my polar opposite in so many ways, which was why we were such great friends, why I could see why both Landon and Paxton had wanted her. I’d always admired her, but never felt inferior to my best friend, and this sucked.

“It’s okay,” she promised, but then her mouth dropped as she looked behind me.

I sidestepped and braced my back against the wall. Then I watched every nuance of Paxton’s face change from shock to cringe-worthy acceptance. “Rachel.”

“Wilder,” she said, swallowing. She looked between us. “Oh…oh God no. No, Leah, no. He’ll eat you alive. I’d hoped the video was wrong. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Her glare whipped toward Paxton. “You made her sign an NDA, you cock-sucking asshole.”

A wry grin twisted his lips. “As I recall it wasn’t my co—”

“Paxton!” I snapped, throwing my hand over his mouth. The asshole kissed the palm and gently pulled my hand away, refusing to let go when I yanked.

Rachel’s eyes hit the floor before she composed herself. “Let me know when you’d like your biggest mistakes thrown in your face, Wilder. I’m happy to oblige.”

“I’m kind of living that moment right now, but thanks for the offer. It’s always good of you to fuck up my life at opportune moments, but hey, at least the X Games don’t start next week.”

Rachel flinched. Oh God, he’d found out right before the X Games?
And he’d still medaled.
I couldn’t decide if I was impressed that he’d kicked ass even after having his heart broken, or if he had a heart to break.
You know that’s not true.

I silenced my conscience. “This is getting us nowhere. Rachel, I’m so sorry but I’m a little off. I just found out about you two.” I shook my head. “You three. Whatever. Of course I’m glad to see you. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see anyone.” Then I looked up at Paxton. “I need you to leave.”

“Yes, please leave. I think you’ve done enough damage,” Rachel snapped.

“Leah,” he begged, his blues going all soft and buttery, ignoring Rachel.

“No. You’ve had months to come to terms with what you’ve done, what you set me up for—us up for. I’ve had all of four hours. You owe me time. That’s the least you can give me.”

He searched my face, no doubt looking for a weakness. “Okay,” he finally said. “But I love you. I’m not giving you up.”

Rachel snorted. “What do you know about love, Wilder?”

“What you taught me,” he fired back before recoiling and sucking in a deep breath. “Why do you even think you’re here?”

“What? Studying abroad?” Realization dawned, her eyes growing huge and her hand covering her mouth. “You didn’t.”

“I did. Because you two deserve the chance you never got. He doesn’t know you’re here—I’m not suicidal—so it’s up to you when you tell him. If you tell him.” He looked at me, his heart in his eyes. “Firecracker?”

“Go study,” I whispered. “We have finals the day after tomorrow, and you tied our fates, remember?”

“Can you forgive me?”

“I don’t know, but if you press me for that answer right now, it’ll be no. I need some time.”

He nodded. “Okay. I can give you that. But I need you to believe that I love you. If you trust nothing else, trust that.”

“This guy I know told me once that anyone can claim they can do something. It’s what you show the world that matters, right?” I said.

“Yeah. Something like that.” He gave in. “I’ll see you in class.” As he passed Rachel, who looked ready to fly at him with claws bared, he said, “I know you’re pissed. But we’re at sea for the next five days, so you can’t exactly get off the boat anyway. Take your time and think. Don’t run. I just ask that you think of everything Leah has done for you, and for once, think of someone else, too…and if you choose to leave, please don’t take her with you. Don’t take her chance the way I stupidly took yours.”

Paxton dodged the luggage cart that arrived at the same moment, Hugo nearly jumping out of his way. As Hugo brought the cart in, Rachel pulled me into the first open bedroom—it happened to be mine.

“What happened?” she asked, her voice nearly a squeak. “I leave you alone for three months and you fall into my old life. I’m cruising Instagram last week and a Renegade video popped up that showed you, and I just about peed myself. Tell me he didn’t get to you.”

I burst into tears. “I fell for him, and all he wanted was to get to you. Oh God, Rach. I’m so fucking stupid.”

“No,” she soothed with a heavy sigh, pulling my head to her shoulder. “You have a heart bigger than this ocean, Leah. It’s not stupidity, it’s love.”

“I hate love,” I said, hiccupping.

“Yeah. It sucks, and I know more than I should about loving a Renegade,” she agreed. “Well, since I’m too damn late to save you from yourself, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Is that okay? I know he’s your ex, and this must be the weirdest thing ever, but you’re my best friend.”

“Don’t do that. I don’t factor into this, not with Wilder. He’s an ass, but he’s your ass. It’s between the two of you.”

“Why can’t it be easy?” I asked.

“It never is. But I can tell you one thing. There was a reason I left him. Why I…cheated with Landon.” Her breath caught on Landon’s name, something that never happened when she talked about guys.

“What was it?” I asked, genuinely needing to know what would make someone walk away from someone as all-consuming as Paxton.

She forced a smile. “Because he never looked at me the way he did you right now.”

I shook my head. “How?”

“Like you were air and he was on the verge of suffocating. Like you were literally the only thing that could save his life or give it meaning.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I found that with someone else, and Wilder took it away. I can’t tell you what to do, but you deserve to know the facts.”

I loved him. I could never deny that, and maybe—just maybe—he loved me, too. But could I ever know if he really did? Or would I always wonder if he just wanted to keep Rachel close?

I wasn’t sure I’d ever know—or if I could love under those terms.

“What about you? You came all this way knowing that Landon was here?”

She gave me a tight, forced smile. “You are my best friend. You held me together when it felt like everything else was ripping me in ten thousand directions. Landon… He took enough from me; I’m not letting him take this trip, too. And this is about you. I would do anything for you. If you want to go, we’ll go. If you want to stay, we’ll stay.”

She pulled me into a hug, and I let myself sink into the familiarity of my best friend. But part of me died, too. Paxton’s plan had worked. Whether or not Rachel stayed, and Landon got his chance, was all up to me…and everything revolved around my feelings for Pax.

As far as I would go to secure Rachel’s happiness, how was I ever going to know if being with me was a price Paxton would pay for Landon’s?

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Paxton

At Sea

I poured another shot of tequila and sighed as it burned down my throat. Numbness, blessed numbness—that was all that I wanted. I think that was my sixth…wait…seventh…no…sixth. Fuck it. I gave up.

There wasn’t enough alcohol to burn this pain away. I’d once foolishly thought that the Rachel/Landon shit was the worst I’d ever feel. But on the pain scale, that was a stubbed toe. This was the decimation of my fucking heart.

She had to believe me, didn’t she? She had to see how much I loved her, that she wasn’t just some tool to get Landon and Rachel back together. She knew me, right? Hadn’t I let her in? Let her see how much she meant to me? But she was right, I’d put Landon’s happiness above my own, and that meant I’d put it above hers, too.

Now that Rachel was here, was there a way to prove my love to Leah? To show her that she—and not the love life of my best friend—was my priority? I couldn’t even tell Landon that Rachel was here, not until she’d made her choice. I wasn’t going to fuck with his head just to have her tuck tail and run. God, I only wanted everyone to have it all, for everyone to be happy.

This isn’t a fucking sitcom.

“So are you going to tell me what this fight with Leah is about, or are you going to make me guess?” Landon asked, pouring himself a shot.

“None of your business.”

He threw the shot back and leaned against the bar, no doubt judging my unshaved face and general lack of hygiene. “You ready for finals tomorrow?”

I shrugged. I’d studied all day, gone to every class in preparation, sat next to Leah, unable to touch her and hating every single second of it. She’d been polite but hadn’t even met my eyes. Ironic, since that’s the relationship we should have had in the first place.

I’d had my bones broken, joints ripped apart, hundreds of stitches through my skin, but nothing had ever felt like Leah breaking my heart.

Fuck that. I broke my own heart. Maybe that’s why it hurt even more.

“Okay, well this has been a nice talk. Guess I should get some sleep,” Landon said. There was a knock at the door. “Saved by the knock…or whatever.”

I headed outside, bracing my weight on the deck railing.

“You look like shit,” Brandon said, leaning against the rail next to me.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

“I like your ship,” he said, looking out over the water. “I’ve been exploring during my mini-cruise. Thanks for letting me stay until Abu Dhabi.”

“It’s Dad’s ship,” I countered. “And you’re welcome. You saved my ass, remember?”

He shook his head. “Leah saved your ass. If she’d waited to call me you’d have been left behind. She’s quite a woman.”

“She is.”

“It’s your ship, Pax. Dad signed it over to you.”

“What?”

He shrugged. “He divested certain assets before he submitted the paperwork to take the company public. This, and the house in Aspen, they’re yours. He figured you’d need them for this crazy life you lead. Well, the ship was more an income source. The house was his indulgence.”

“I own the ship,” I said slowly, trying to wrap my head around it.

“Yep,” Brandon popped the
P
. “I tried to talk him out of it. Let’s face it, you fuck up pretty much everything you touch, but he’d already done it. The papers are in your fire safe.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, I said the same thing.”

“Did you…?” I started, but couldn’t finish.

He half smiled. “We were gifted equally, don’t get your panties in a wad on my account. Look, that shit you pulled—hitting the cop…” He put up his hands when I glared at him. “Whether or not he deserved it for putting his hands on Leah, the arrest nullified your contract with Dad to fund the documentary.”

“What?” I nearly shouted. “So you come down here saying you’re going to save my ass, and then instead stab me in the back?”

He shook his head. “You stabbed yourself. That temper of yours could jeopardize everything Dad is working for.”

“And he said that he’s pulling the funding? It’s primarily his decision, isn’t it?”

“He has final say, but I think it should be brought to the board. I love you, brother, but you’re anything but a sound investment while we’re going through this right now. If it was at any other time, I wouldn’t press it, but your reach is down, you’re not posting as much to your channel, and what you are posting isn’t getting the hits that you’re used to. You gave up the tour for this year, so your sponsors aren’t hanging around, and you don’t know if you’ll be allowed to compete in the X Games if your program here says no. You’ve got too much going against you to be a sure bet.”

“I’ve never been a sure bet, Brandon. That’s why I win the medals. You don’t get those things by sitting on the sidelines waiting for the safe time. You do it by grabbing your balls and going for it, but I’d never expect you to understand.” Anger overtook every other emotion except fear, which was running neck and neck to keep up.

“You have always had an edge I didn’t get, Pax. I think you’re a reckless, stupid son of a… Well, that’s our mother, so I won’t finish that.” He sighed. “But you are so much of Mom, and I envy that. I always have. Do you think you could promo the documentary with what you have?”

I thought through the footage we’d gathered since boarding. “Not the full film, but I could put together a kick-ass trailer.”

“I need something concrete for the board. Numbers.”

“What kind of numbers?” I asked, hating that, as usual, Brandon’s pound of flesh might be more than I could give.

“You have six days until the live expo?”

“Yeah. Three more days at sea, and then two days to practice.”

“How long to cut the trailer?”

My mind scrambled, calculating who we had on board. “At least a day.”

“That leaves you five days to get a million hits.”

I damn near choked on air. “That’s impossible.”

“Every pop star pulls it off fairly quickly.”

“Right, well, I’ll let you know when we have Adele jumping a motocross bike, okay? Shit like that is harder than it sounds.”

“I know exactly how hard it is. And I’m talking legit views, Paxton. Not paid subscriber crap.”

“How would you even—?”

“You’re my little brother. No matter what happens between us at home, out here we’re on the same team. I know exactly what it takes to make your business go. I want you to succeed. I just don’t want you taking Wilder Enterprises down while you’re doing it. You hit one million views by the time you take the stage at the live expo, or the board will vote to yank your funding. Hell, even with the million hits, they might vote to yank it.”

“Fucking great,” I said. The six—or seven—shots hadn’t been nearly enough.

“It will be.” He slapped me on the back. “Good luck. I think you might need it.”

I stayed out there long after he left, mentally going over what footage we had, what would be sensational enough to warrant getting one million views. At least we had the jump footage, but what would make the best highlight reel?

I came back inside, flopping onto the couch, my head telling me I was still moving long after I stopped.

“What did the grim reaper want?”

“We have to edit a trailer in the next twenty-four hours and hit a million views before the live expo in Abu Dhabi.”

“Or we could call up Santa Claus and have him deliver early. I mean, we’re only five weeks or so out, right?”

I grunted in response, my mind trying to fight through the haze of alcohol to function.

“I guess you’re right, most of the people around us are just waiting to watch us fall,” he said, pouring another shot.

It was the same thing I said to Leah, ironically as I was falling…for her.

Falling.

“Wake up Bobby and tell him to get the production crew in here,” I ordered.

“Pax, you’re pretty drunk. Do you think this is the time to call a production meeting?”

“With this kind of idea? If this works, we’ll serve shots at the production meetings,” I answered as Penna came in with a suitcase. I’d almost forgotten how much she and Rachel hadn’t gotten along.

“Were you going to tell me?” she snapped at me, tossing her bag on the floor.

“What?” Landon asked.

“Oh, Leah’s roommate showed up a week early, so I’m back in here with the boys,” she answered.

“It’s okay,” I said to her. “I think I’ve figured out how to get Leah back.”

It might cost me my documentary, but it would be worth it.

She was worth everything.