Wild Rain (22 page)

She nodded, her eyes guarded. “And I’m proud of you. But what does that have to do with me? You’ve also told me that you don’t like messy ties, that you ruthlessly avoid anything that sounds like intimacy. That you want to be responsible only to the people who pay you for the service, and then, only until the job is done. Neat. Clean. No clutter.” Her voice had risen steadily. She was shaking now. “So what in the hell has that got to do with me!”

He shook her, his face close to hers. “I can’t let you go, dammit! There’s this … hole … in me now. I think you are the only one who can fill it. I
know
you are.”

“And what happens when you can’t do that any longer, Reese? Huh? When you’ve given me all of yourself you can give? Do you walk away then too? I can’t do that. I can’t let you do that to me.”

“So you’ll stay here alone? Forever? There are no guarantees in life, Jillian. Or is it that you just don’t want me?”

Her eyes widened. “Yes, I want you! Is that what you wanted to hear? Well, I said it. I want you, Reese Braedon. More than I’ve ever let myself want anything. And the instant I turned around and saw you behind me, I knew I’d take whatever you had to give me.”

“And now?”

“And now I’m not convinced I’ll be enough for you.”

“What?” he barked in disbelief.

Jillian’s fierceness crumpled, and she felt suddenly hollow and deflated. “You … you’re intense, you know what you want, what you need. You go after it. You demand it and if it’s not good enough, you leave and keep on going until you find something that is.” She looked up at him. “I’d take part of you if I knew it was forever, but I don’t think I can let you take all of me and know you’ll walk away with it.”

He lifted his hands from her shoulders and cupped her face, his hold on her unbearably gentle.

“And what if I told you I’ve stopped looking? That I’ve found it? I’m glad I left my old life, I like what I do now. But what I did was harder to handle than I realized. It was ugly and brutal and endless. If I’d stayed in it much longer, I doubt I’d have recognized the need I hadn’t filled. That the emptiness I felt wasn’t about job satisfaction. It was about me, about what I haven’t let myself believe I could have. Until I met you. I looked into those wary gray eyes and saw myself, saw the other part of me.” His expression gentled, his vulnerability plain for her to see. “What if I told you I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life?”

He was scaring her to death. He was big, and bold and strong and beautiful and fierce and she loved him. Loved him fiercely, boldly, strongly,
completely. The way she’d always wanted to
be
loved.

And she was terrified to discover that the one thing she didn’t do was trust him to love her like that in return. The pain was crushing. But it didn’t alter the truth. She might love him like she’d never thought she’d love anyone. But she knew without a doubt that she wasn’t strong enough to survive giving him her heart … only to have him change his mind somewhere down the road.

She wasn’t even certain how well she was going to survive pushing him away now. But she had to. It was selfish, it was cruel, but it was survival. Hers.

That instinct had been too well honed, for too many years. And she found she couldn’t give up its protection. Not even for Reese. Especially not for someone as dangerous to her as Reese.

“No,” she whispered. Then more adamantly, with all her strength she said again, “No!”

She’d expected rage, defiance, a renewed assault or his immediate departure. So the utter pain that wracked his features, the brightness in his eyes, that faded swiftly into a bleak, cold place as if he’d just been cast back into that barren wasteland of his past struck her like a deathblow.

Her knees swayed. Pinpoints of light flickered in the periphery of her vision. Dear Lord, what had she done to him? What had she, in her selfish need to make sure she didn’t suffer, done to the man she loved above all else?

Only that was apparently a lie. She didn’t love him above all else. She’d put herself first.

Reese dropped his hands and took a step away from her. And it hit her then that this was it. There would be no more words, no more explanations, or entreaties. He’d literally opened himself up and laid himself bare for her—something she knew he’d never done for anyone else—and she’d tossed it back in his face. For what?

For what?

He was walking out of her life, and she knew she’d never see him, hear him, taste him, have him … Nothing. Not ever. For all eternity.

And she knew with a certainty so absolute, it rocked her violently. This was a mistake she’d regret every second, every hour, every month, every year … until the moment she drew her last breath.

He walked away.

What had she done?

“Reese.”

To her eternal joy and shame, he stopped. And she knew it was already more than she deserved.

“I’m like you,” she whispered hoarsely. “A survivor.”

He didn’t turn around. “I’m sure you’ll bloody well survive this, too, then.” His voice was rougher, deeper than she’d ever heard it.

“No. I won’t.”

He shifted his weight, then looked at her. “Well then,” he whispered, his voice so depleted of emotion,
it fairly vibrated with the absence of it. “I suppose that makes two of us.”

Jillian took a tentative step toward him. “You really meant it, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did. I’ve never lied to you.” Frustration edged into his evenly spoken words, and she was amazed at his self-control.

Suddenly her throat closed and she felt panic claw at her as she realized how much she had riding on her next words. Only everything. Her whole life. Was this how he’d felt when he’d opened up to her moments ago? Did she have even half his courage?

“I meant what I said too.” The words were forced out on a choked whisper. “About wanting you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

“You have a damn funny way of showing it.”

“I’m scared, Reese.” That was so painful to admit.

“And you think I’m not?”

“I don’t know. I know you have more courage than I could ever hope to have.”

“You have courage, Jillian.”

Her heart pounded painfully hard at the sound of her name on his lips.

“I’m selfish, Reese. I want it all, just for me. I thought Thomas loved me, and he left me for a nice fat check from my mother. And then there was Richard. I thought he understood, that he needed me. Then I found out he only needed the trust fund I was going to get.”

“I don’t want your damn money, Jillian.”

“I know that. Have always known it.” She turned pleading eyes to his. “It’s not about money. It’s never really been about money. That’s my mother’s game, not mine. It’s about not trusting myself to believe that I can be enough to hold anyone … to hold you. The survival instincts have crippled me, Reese, until I’m afraid to ever reach for anything risky again. That way I’m sure not to lose.”

He turned to face her, and her heart caught in her throat. Dear God she loved this man.

“What are you telling me, Jillian?”

It was now or never. Jillian closed the gap between them.

“I’m telling you I’m a stupid fool. I’m telling you how sorry I am that I hurt you. It is the very last thing I ever wanted to do.”

Reese stiffened and stepped back. Jillian felt a draft creep into her heart at the cold expression that crossed his face. She was going to lose him.

“Apology accepted.” He began to turn, but she grabbed his arm, yanking as hard as she could. Caught off guard he spun on his heel and stumbled into her.

Jillian steadied him by grasping his shoulders, then lifted her hands to his head and pulled it down to hers.

She kissed him hard. Her heart, her life, her soul, everything was in that kiss. He tensed, accepting the fierce pressure of her mouth on his.

But he didn’t respond.

Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes as she gentled the kiss, turning it from a declaration to a good-bye. Finally she dropped her hands and he lifted his head.

She looked up at him. “I don’t know what else to say. How else to apologize for what I did.” The tears began to trickle down her cheeks. “Being scared was no excuse. I was wrong.”

His expression darkened. “Bloody hell, I heard you the first time. Now can I go?”

She was handling this so badly. He wasn’t hearing what she was saying. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Reese. I don’t want you to go. I never wanted you to go.”

It took a second, then his expression changed to one of wariness. “What exactly are you saying? Spell it out.”

“I’m saying that if you still want me, take me. I love you, Reese. Don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me. And I swear I will never, ever, turn you away.”

“Say that again,” he commanded, his expression still fierce.

“I didn’t want you to go. But I knew I wouldn’t survive loving you and losing you later on. Better to lose you now.”

“You will never lose me, Jillian.” He kissed her so hard, it hurt. And the pain was a wonderful benediction. “You may wish you could, but your fate is sealed.”

“Thank God,” she said fervently through her
sniffles. Then laughed helplessly when he smiled and the sniffles turned to great gulping sobs.

He pulled her tight against his chest, holding her head against his heartbeat.

“I’m sorry … I can’t seem … to stop …” She took a shuddering breath. “It’s just I’m so—”

Reese tilted her face up to his. Two tears tracked down his face. “I know, mite. I know.”

She laughed and cried and hugged him again. “What a pair of no-hopers we are, huh?”

“Jillian?” His voice was sweetly hoarse.

“Mmmm?” She nuzzled more deeply into his embrace, sighing happily when he tightened his arms around her.

“You told me once. Tell me again.” He leaned down and pressed his damp lips to her ear. “I need to hear you tell me again.”

She smiled and looked up into his face. “I love you, Reese Braedon. For better, for worse. For always.”

Pain filled his eyes along with renewed brightness.

“What’s wrong? Reese?”

“I see what you mean. It is scary. Trusting that love, I mean. But I do. I do.”

“I know. After being alone inside for so long it’s hard to let someone else in. To really believe they’ll stay no matter what.”

“You’re inside me, Jillian. Always. I feel connected to you in a way I don’t even understand.
And I don’t care. You’re part of me. The best part. Don’t leave. Just don’t ever leave.”

She hugged him, then when that wasn’t enough, she pulled his head back down and kissed him again. Only this time it wasn’t one-sided.

Reese backed her up against the counter, then lifted her to sit on top of it. Her shirt was half off, her mind half gone, when she whispered, “Tell me, Reese. Tell me.”

He bared one breast and took his sweet, torturous time kissing it, then slowly bared the other and gave it the same mind-bending attention. Then he wound slow, hot, wet kisses along her collar and up her neck until she’d forgotten what she’d asked him.

Until he got to the soft tender spot just below her ear.

“I love you, Jillian. For better, for worse. For always.” He pulled her earlobe into his mouth and sucked on it. She gasped. He smiled.

“This,” he whispered as he pulled her legs around his waist. He moved his hips against her. “Does it hurt, mite?”

“Worse,” she panted.

“Then let me make it better.”

“Always?”

Clothes were hastily readjusted, and Reese grabbed her hips and lifted her. Slowly, exquisitely, he pulled her onto him. And when he was deeply inside of her, he smiled and whispered, “You know it, mite. You know it.”

Welcome to Loveswept!

We’re delighted to offer you another sizzling e-original next month: From rising romance star Sharon Cullen comes a tale of the fiery passion between a noble naval officer and a female pirate that’s as tempestuous and as unpredictable as the sea.
THE NOTORIOUS LADY ANNE
is Sharon Cullen’s first historical novel and her debut with Loveswept. Sensual and enticing, this is a book you won’t want to miss.

Also upcoming: Patricia Olney’s irresistible
JADE’S GAMBLE
, Linda Cajio’s sinfully sexy
STRICTLY BUSINESS
, and three blazing hot books from Sandra Chastain:
A DREAM TO CLING TO, LOVE AND A BLUE-EYED COWBOY
, and
MAC’S ANGELS: MIDNIGHT FANTASY
.

If you love romance … then you’re ready to be
Loveswept
!

Gina Wachtel

Associate Publisher

P.S. Watch for these terrific Loveswept titles coming soon: March brings Ruthie Knox’s scorching
ALONG CAME TROUBLE
, and some classic you’ll want to read: Patricia Olney’s moving and funny
STILL MR. AND MRS
., Juliana Garnett’s compelling and sensual
THE BARON
, Jean Stone’s exceptional and heartwarming
FIRST LOVES
, Linda Cajio’s extraordinary
UNFORGETTABLE
, and beloved author Iris Johansen’s brilliant
AN UNEXPECTED SONG
. In April, we’re excited about Megan Frampton’s emotional and powerfully erotic tale
HERO OF MY HEART
, Karen Leabo’s electric
HELL ON WHEELS
, Linda Cajio’s stirring novels,
HE’S SO SHY
and
DESPERATE MEASURES
, and Sandra Chastain’s spellbinding books,
NIGHT DREAMS
and
PENTHOUSE SUITE
. Don’t miss any of these extraordinary reads. I promise that you’ll fall in love and treasure these stories for years to come.…