Wild Heart (19 page)

I feel myself going through the motions, but not actually living them. I feel numb and I feel guilty. I feel like running, but
feel
like I should stay.

I’m a mess.

“Zac loves you,” Row says with conviction.

“But he doesn’t trust me.” And trust is everything. Love only goes so far. Love only gets you through so much.

Love was never the issue for Zac and me. The issue was always something else. First it was my music, then it was Zac’s hurt, and now it’s trust. There are always hurdles, obstacles to climb.

“You know Zac doesn’t mean the shit he says,” Row mutters, pursing her lips, but even Row doesn’t sound like she believes what she’s saying. She’s just saying it to make me feel better.

“Row, you should have seen his face. This time...” the words get caught in my throat picturing the look on Zac’s face. The loss. The hurt. The broken trust. “This time it’s different.”

Row gives me a sad smile. “It’ll be okay.”

“Will it?”

Zac is at work and I’m over here packing what little things I own up to take with me. He wants space and I can’t stay here with a man that doesn’t trust me. I can’t go and I can’t stay.

“Are you gonna stay with your parents?” Row asks.

I give her my best sad face, which isn’t too difficult.

“No.”

She looks confused for a split second before it dawns on her. “You’re stayin’ with me?”

“Please?” I’m not above begging and pleading. I’ll even sleep on her floor. “Just for a few days. I can’t stay with my parents. My mom would never stop asking me questions, and I can’t stay at the Moore’s for the same reason, among others.”

Row waves me off. “You know you’re more than welcome to crash with me. Stay as long as you want.”

“Thank you.”  

My bags are packed. It looks like I never existed. Like I was never here.

“Ready,” I tell her quietly, grabbing my bags. 

“Oh, I just had the best idea,” she squeals.

“Yeah?” My mind’s a million miles away. I take it all in, scared this is really it, the last time I’ll be here. 

“Let’s do a girls’ weekend. Head to the city and chill out for a few days. Recoup.”

It’s not the worst idea she’s ever head, but still. “I don’t know.”

“I have frequent flyer miles saved up,” she adds, like that’ll change my mind. “Zac needs space and you need cheering up.”

I don’t want to go, but I also don’t want to stay here with reminders of Zac all around me.

“Let me think about.”

Rolling her eyes, she hops off the bed and walks to the door. “I gotta head to work. Listen, I love you, but you need to pull your head out of your ass and come with me to the city. While you’re gone, Zac will realize how much he loves you.”

“We’ll see,” I say, picking at my chipped, sad looking nails.

Kissing my cheek as she goes, she gives me a serious stare. “It’ll be okay, Emerson.”

I nod. “Okay.”

“See ya later,” she hollers as the door closes behind her.

Sitting down on the bed, I look around the bedroom. The room Zac remodeled for
me
, in the house he poured himself into for
me
.

The idea that this could be it kills me. We didn’t find our way back to each other for it all to end like this.

This feeling, this desperate pit reminds of our first fight.

“Fine. Don’t come back,” I scream at the already closing door, barely able to keep the tears from falling.

The second I hear his boots hit the stairs, I let them go.

I feel sick. Thoughts of a life without Zac in it bombard me, overwhelming me.

I can’t live without him.

Sinking to my knees, I cry harder than I ever remember crying before. I cry until I’m breathless and my eyes hurt. I cry until I’m numb.

A desperate need twists at my heart as I sit here, alone. I should go after him. I should have stopped him. But I don’t get up. I just stare at the door.

And all this shit over a trip to the lake. He can’t go, but didn’t want me to go if I had to ride up with Ben from English class. All of this because I
had
to fight him on it.

Sitting down on my ass in the laundry room, I continue to stare at the backdoor, my phone clutched to my chest, wondering what the hell just happened. 

The feelings are pretty much the same, but this time around, I know I’ll live through the pain. I’ll be alive and breathing, but not actually living.

Getting off the bed, I walk over to the dresser and open the top drawer and rummage around, looking for something to take with me. A T-shirt of his, or something.

Grabbing a white shirt, I pull it out and something comes with it.

A black box falls to the floor with a thud, and my heart follows suit. Staring down at the black velvet box, I blink slowly a few times, hoping I’m seeing it wrong.

A ring box.

I don’t bend down to look at it or put it away. I grab the tee and my bag and walk out, tears in my eyes.

I don’t know who the ring was for, or how long he’s had it, but I just can’t do this shit. I can’t.

My happily ever after was right there, and I let it slip away,
again
.

Pulling my phone from my back pocket, I dial the one person who’s always there for me, no matter what.

“Row. Come back and get me…
now
,” I say the instant she answers.

“Are you okay?”

“No. I wanna leave.”

Staring at my scarred hands, holding the goddamn ring box, I wonder if they’ll ever touch her again. I wonder if the empty drawers upstairs will ever be filled with her things. I wonder if she’ll ever be in my bed again, or this house I bought for her.

There’s been a hell of a lot of wondering today and no real answers.

Grabbing my beer from beside me, I drink it down, feeling angry.

I don’t know where Emerson and me stand, and I think that’s the worst fucking part. Am I supposed to go after her? Or do I take this time apart to let her decide on what she really wants. Last time she took ten goddamn years. I can’t do that shit again. I
won’t
do it again.

My day was spent on autopilot. I was at work, but I really wasn’t. I left there feeling fucking useless.

Glancing up, I stare at the burnt grass in the middle of my yard, the remnants of Emerson’s bonfire still sitting there and wonder how the hell we ended up
here
, with her not answering my calls, packing her shit while I’m at work, leaving me all over again.

I want to chuck the ring, but I don’t, knowing it won’t help. I’ll just be back out here later looking for it. 

Off in the distance I hear tires on gravel. Sitting straight, I look for Emerson, knowing it’s a long shot. A second later, my brother’s truck pulls up and I feel disappointment settle in my chest.

“Off a little early, aren’t ya?” he asks, sitting down next to me on the porch steps.

“Couldn’t get shit done.”

“I wonder why,” he mutters. “Listen, I know you’re havin’ a hard time trustin’ Emerson, but you’re livin’ in the past. Holdin’ that shit against her. She didn’t leave ten years ago to hurt you. She left because she wanted to pursue her passion, and do you blame her? The girl’s got more talent than anyone I’ve ever seen.”

“I let that shit go.”

He looks at me like I’ve lost my goddamn mind. “Really? Coulda fooled me.”

“How would you feel if this shit happened to you?”

“I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. She didn’t leave the first time and not tell you. Why would she this time?”

“What are you gettin’ at?” I ask, taking a drink of my beer.

“I’m sayin’ your actin’ like a fuckin’ idiot. Emerson ain’t leavin’ you. I might not know her like you do, but I
know
she wouldn’t leave without tellin’ ya.”

“Jesus. So what do I do?”

“You go and find her. Tell her you’re a fuckin’ idiot, even though I’m sure she knows it, and apologize. Trust the girl. She’s never given you a reason not to. Yeah, she left ten years ago, but she came back, for
you
.”

“You’re annoying when you’re right.”

~~~~~~

The drive has never felt longer and the lights never-ending.

“Fuck!” Hitting the brakes, I damn near skid through the red light, the car hitting their horn behind me. Reaching a hand out the window, I flip them the bird. They can go fuck themselves.

Jesus, I’ve hit every single one since getting in the truck. I don’t have time for this shit.

I stopped by my parents’ place and went up to the apartment only to find it fucking empty.
Empty.
Everything Emerson owned, gone.
I swear to God the room started to spin after that and it hasn’t stopped since. My heart is in my throat and my stomach is in my ass.

I ran to her parents’ house next and got nothing. Her mom looked up from her coffee and smiled sadly at me. “I’m sorry, Zac.” Is all she could say.

She’s not the only one who’s sorry.

“Go. The light’s green.” My brother smacks my chest, startling me.

I drive through town like a fucking lunatic, blowing stop signs and breaking speed limits.

Once I get to that girl I’m gonna fucking strangle her. I’m going to chain her up in my house and keep her locked up there for the rest of her damn life.

“You sure she’s at the airport?” I ask, blowing down the highway at eighty.

He shrugs. “I know Rowen is. She checked in there on Facebook.”

Christ, now we’re using goddamn Facebook to find people. “Does it say where they’re goin’?”

“No.”

She better be there. At this point, I don’t even care if she’s planning to leave, because I’m not letting her go again. Not this time.

~~~~~~

“Go! Just leave your truck. I’ll get it.”

I’m out the door and to the entrance before Justin can finish his sentence. The desperate need to get to her before she boards that plane moves my feet.

Busting through the doors, I’m hit with a crowd of people. Bodies everywhere, and all of them going so fucking slow. I wade through them. Running up to the counter, I start to ramble to the confused clerk.

“I need to find out what plane, or flight, or whatever someone is on.”

“Sir, I can’t give out that information.” Of course she can’t.

“Please. I’m fuckin’ desperate.”

Shaking her head, she frowns. “Sorry. I can’t help you.” 

Walking from terminal to terminal, it all suddenly feels hopeless.

“Fuck!” I yell out

“Zac?”

If life could move in slow motion it would.
Jesus
. I feel like I can breathe again.

Turning around, I walk right up to Emerson and toss her over my shoulder. “I told you you’re not leavin’ me again.”

“Zac.”

“Shut up.”

I carry her through the crowds, people watching me with wide eyes. Some look close to calling security. Let them. No one is stopping me.

“Put me down. I wasn’t leaving you.”

“Coulda fooled me.”

“Zac!” she snaps, jerking away from my hold. I set her down, but keep her in arms reach. “Listen—”

“No. You listen. I fucking told you I wasn’t letting you go again. I don’t care if you’re done, because I’m not. This,” I motion between us, “isn’t over ‘til it is
over.
”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“I was just going away for the weekend, clear my head. I was always gonna come back.”

“And the ring you think you know about?” Because I’m sure she’s got her theories. I know it had to have bothered her.

Emerson’s eyes drop to her feet and she gives me a sad shrug.

“It was for you,” I tell her, pulling her in. Wrapping my arms around her, I sigh. “I bought it when I was eighteen.”

“It’s for me?” she asks skeptically. There never was, or ever will be anyone, other than Emerson, I’d want to spend the rest of my life with.

“Fuck yeah. This is it. You’re stuck with me forever, Emerson. You and me. You wanna go back to L.A., you better be plannin’ on takin’ me back with ya.”

Emerson exhales loudly, tears pooling in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“I don’t even know anymore,” she sobs softly. “Why are we even fighting?”
“Because I’m a fuckin’ idiot.”

“Can we go home now?”

Walking through the airport, hand in hand, I’ve never felt happier.
This
is home.

“Hey, Zac?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I have my ring now?”

“Yeah, baby. Anything you want.”