Wicked Bad Boys (84 page)

I
went
upstairs to my room after Johnny mentioned he needed to speak with Lady and Kevin. I half-expected much of their discussion would be about me. It made sense to give them as much space as possible, and short of leaving the house entirely, retreating up in my room was a good bet. I sat in the armchair closest to my bed, and used my tablet to see if there were any new messages on Johnny’s sites. There were none, so I checked my email for any new messages.

There was one from Gary, letting me know the television producers who were interested in me were hoping for a face-to-face interview in two weeks. Unfortunately, his message did not mention where the interview was supposed to take place. He also wanted to review the deal and prepare me for the meeting beforehand. He insisted I meet with him within a week. I was not sure how I could pull that off, unless Gary was willing to come out to LA or to one of the tour stops in Las Vegas or San Diego. I replied to his email and asked his preference, giving him some options where we could also speak by phone.

Right after I hit send, there was a knock on my door. Without getting out of the chair, I knew it was Johnny.

“Come in.” I put down my tablet and straightened up against the backrest.

Johnny stepped into the room. His face was tight and his eyes were wild. He shut the door behind him, probably with more force than intended. It slammed with a loud bang. He ignored it, and crossed the room to sit in my bed. His demeanor was restless and tense. He sat down on the end, and in the next moment, sprang up again and began to pace.

“What happened?” I asked. I kept my voice low and waited, watching as he stalked around the room. He reminded me of how I used to get before a fight—amped up, restless, and ready to go kick some ass.

“I really tried to make peace with Kevin. And still, he insists on being a smug control freak. I’m so tired of it. He’s slowly getting Lady onside too. She would never have supported this chaos before…I don’t know…I’m ready to walk away right now.”

I was struggling to keep up. “Do you mean for tonight’s performance?”

“Not just that. I told him last night and I was dead serious. I want out. I don’t want to do any of this anymore. None of it. This is Kevin’s dream. He makes it seem like it’s mine too, but none of it is what I want.”

“You don’t want to be a musician?” I asked.

He glared across the room, at nothing in particular. “Yes I do, but not like this.”

I was silent at his declaration, unsure of what to say next. My guess was the stress of the tour, the stalker threat, the attack on Kevin, his interest in me, and possibly being caged up influenced what he was feeling. In all honesty, I did not know him well enough to be certain. He could have also been venting, and not completely serious about quitting.

“What’s it really about?” I asked.

He looked over at me, but said nothing.

“Oh. It’s about me, right?”

“It’s more about me. The fact that I’m making room in my life for something other than being Johnny Q Venom.”

I leaned my head back on the backrest. “And let me guess. I’m the thing you’re making room for?”

“That’s not exactly how I meant it.”

“Just tell me the truth. It’s about me, isn’t it?”

He briefly closed his eyes and nodded. “Kevin doesn’t think you can do the job and be involved with me at the same time. And Lady agrees.”

I could not disagree. Knowing the stalker was determined, resourceful and nearby was enough to require us all to be on alert, completely focused on keeping Johnny protected. Kevin and Lady were right, and Johnny needed to hear it from me.

I drew in a long breath before starting. “I know things with you and Kevin are not great right now. Believe me, I’ve taken the brunt of his mean side, so I get it. But, Johnny, don’t you see his point? This situation is really serious. I don’t think anyone, not even Kevin thought it would get to this level. This stalker is a real person. She’s flown halfway around the world to try to get to you, she was monitoring your movements here in LA, and she may have broken into a car and held a knife to Kevin’s throat to get to you. We really don’t know what she is capable of.”

“I know.” He turned and walked toward me, moving a hand through his hair. “I get it. But what does that have to do with you and me?”

“My getting involved with you is a distraction. For your music career, and for my ability to keep you safe.” I kept my voice level, removing all emotion, even though speaking the words made me feel weak.

“Do you really believe that?”

I nodded. “Yes. I’m not saying it’s insurmountable. I’m saying it’s the truth.”

“Forget about me for a minute. How has our time together distracted you? You’ve kept me in one piece. You noticed the basket in Greece. You’ve been on top of the online messages. And what about the little teenage fan? You took her down like it was nothing, as soon as she got onstage. I don’t care what Kevin says. You’re a professional. You know how to do your job, and you’ve been doing it very well.” Johnny paused. He walked over to me and kneeled in front of my chair, taking my hands in his. “And I also happen to enjoy spending time with you…and making love to you. How could that be a problem?”

I pulled a hand from his and gently ran my fingers through his hair. “Think of it this way. When you and I are together, I’m with you. I’m not up at night, checking every room in the house, searching the social media pages, none of that.”

“You weren’t hired as a PI, Amanda. It’s not your job to figure out who this crazy whack job is.”

“I understand that, but lately, I’m either with you, or thinking about being with you. It’s my responsibility to keep you safe. And yes, no one has touched a hair on your head so far, but that does not mean I’ve been stellar at my job.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because you would be better off with a more experienced person or team. I think I’ve been doing fairly well, but to be honest, I’m scared to death something bad is going to happen to you, and that my protection won’t be enough when it matters.”

Johnny stared at me like he was lost. For me, it was the first time everything fell into place in my mind. I was tired of fighting to prove I could do the job. I was ready to accept it—my presence on this assignment was not enough.

“When Kevin hired me, I think we all believed I’d be holding off crazy teen girls and groupies, and stopping them from sneaking backstage or tearing off your clothes. None of us thought I would have to watch you twenty-four-seven to keep some crazy stalker-slash-terrorist from blowing you up or slitting someone’s throat. I am in
way
over my head here. And the problem is you’re blinded by what’s happening between us. Think about this…it’s a longshot, but what if you and I were in the middle of…geez, what if you were making love to me and by some strange fluke, she found a way to get in here? That could happen on the road, in a dressing room, at a hotel…anywhere. The point is if anything happens to you, it will be on me. I couldn’t have that on my conscience.”

“If you believe that, let’s get more bodyguards to help you. But please…don’t give up. I don’t want you to feel you have to choose between protecting me and being with me.”

“It’s not about feeling one way or another. The truth is it’s not possible for me to do both really well. And in some ways…I’m not sure I can do either.”

There was a flicker of fear in his eyes. “So, what are you saying then? You’re going to quit
and
leave me? I thought it was one or the other. Now it’s both?”

Every muscle in my body revolted, but I forced myself to nod. “Yes. That’s what I’m feeling, Johnny. I’m sorry.”

“Well, I don’t accept it. Do you want to know what I think? You’re having a weak moment…a bad day. This is not the Roxy Punisher I know. You’re not one to give up. So don’t tell me you’re all of a sudden not the right person for the assignment. And don’t… don’t use this as a reason to run away from me…from us.”

Hot tears were building up behind my eyelids. I sucked in a deep, steady breath to keep them under control.

Without letting go of my hand, he stood up and gently pulled me to stand. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me in tight. “You’re not going anywhere, so get that thought out of your head. In fact, come with me.”

He released me, took my hand and started walking out of my bedroom.

“Where are you taking me?”

“I’m going to let Fred remind you how much we need you.”

I
found
myself in a mental gridlock as Johnny led me out of my room and downstairs to speak with Fred. He and his team were probably waiting to get us all together to discuss suggested security enhancements in light of what went down with Kevin. They were down here doing their jobs…just like I should have been doing. The difference for me was at every turn, there was a new addition to what was expected of me, or some hurdle keeping me from focusing completely, or Johnny, making me weak every time I looked at him.

I originally thought the toughest obstacle would be the job of leading the project. That never materialized, and in many ways, I was glad Fred and his FBI team took it on. After I started the assignment, I began to believe Kevin’s domineering behavior and complete lack of faith in my abilities were the top barriers to my success. It was the case for much of the time, but stepping back, he was not the real issue. It was not the ever-changing demands of my role, Johnny’s romantic pursuit, or the stalker’s escalation either. The problem was simple—it was me.

The conversation with Johnny had brought me to that insight. It wasn’t the first time I had been faced with the prospect of leaving him and the job to go home. The difference was for the first time, it was voluntary. Kevin wasn’t forcing me out again. This time, it was me. I was looking for a reason to run. And I had two—Johnny’s safety, and my heart. If I left now, both would be better off. My eyes stung thinking about it. Both he and I knew this was a temporary arrangement. The assignment would eventually end, and I would go home. With the stalker in the shadows, I was now convinced he needed someone more experienced than me to keep him safe. And when it came to my heart, I was in deep, and began to feel if I stayed, it would become too complicated. Had I really let myself believe that somehow, whatever it was Johnny and I had, it could last once I was back in Miami? I rolled my eyes at the visual, just before we walked into the spare office where Fred, Larry and Jenny were stationed.

All three of them looked up when we walked in.

“Fred, can Amanda and I have a word with you in my office?” Johnny asked.

He offered a small smile, nodding as he stood up to follow us out. Once we were in Johnny’s office, he asked, “How can I help you?”

“Can you remind Amanda here why we need her more than ever on this assignment?”

He cleared his throat. “Oh…I suppose this is timely. I was planning to cover this item when we brief you all in about an hour, but sure.”

“I can wait if you need time or—”

Johnny cut me off mid-sentence. “No. Let him tell you now.”

Fred looked back and forth between us, and I was already embarrassed enough, so I nodded and let him carry on. “All right. About these newest developments in the case…understandably, we always knew there was the potential for the stalker to cause physical harm. With everything that has happened, I have to ask, Amanda. How do you feel about continuing with this position?”

Johnny raised a hand to stop him. “Wait, what? Hold up, Fred. That’s not exactly how I expected you’d sell Amanda on staying. Whatever happened to ‘we need to stay the course’?”

As upset as I was, I had to hold back a smile. Johnny had obviously not planned this impromptu pseudo-intervention with Fred.

“To be frank, Amanda, as Johnny’s bodyguard, you’re in the position at most risk of harm, if and when the stalker makes another appearance. You have solid security, weapons and fighting experience, and in no way am I suggesting you cannot handle the position. We’ve reached a point in this case where I need to know if you have even a shadow of a doubt. If you proceed, protecting Johnny will require your complete confidence, and a full commitment to the job.”

Johnny was dumbfounded. He released my hand and walked over to sit in the closest chair, leaning forward to rest his head in his hands.

For me, it felt like all the air had been sucked from my lungs. Fred had driven it home. All the fears and doubts I felt were valid. I took in a slow inhale, and even though I had just suggested to Johnny I wanted to throw in the towel, I was hit with the sudden reality of what could happen after I actually left.

“To be honest,” I started. “I’m in way over my head. There’s one thing I have no doubt about, and that is…if I’m there when the stalker tries to hurt Johnny, I will do everything I can to defend and protect him. But the thing I’m not sure about is whether that’s enough. I mean, no one person can be there, covering every angle, prepared for any and all the ways the stalker can come at him. What I’m saying is I don’t want to be the weak link, or the reason that Johnny or anyone else gets hurt.”

Agent Carlson nodded, listening intently until I was finished. “What you’re feeling is common. And it’s the truth. No one person can assure Johnny or a member of the public does not get hurt. I sure can’t, and neither can any one person on my team. That’s why we have a team, and the private security detail, and event location security, and local police when we need crowd control beyond the confines of an event location. They’re all layers of protection. And yes, when we peel all that away, you’re Johnny’s last line of defense, but that does not mean you’re in it alone.”

I studied his face as I tried to figure out what to say next, but I couldn’t object to anything he had said.

“And here’s what I think, Amanda. You’ve done an excellent job so far.”

Johnny straightened up at his words, nodding enthusiastically at Fred’s compliment. It was just the reassurance I needed to hear.

Fred stared off over my shoulder for a moment before returning his gaze to me. “The job is tough, and these situations are intense. However, I would like to see you stay. You have what it takes, and like we explained to Kevin back in Greece, we would like you to stick this out.”

If he thought I could do it, and I was the best person for the job, then how could I possibly argue? Deep down, there was a spark of hope. I had been dreading the thought of quitting. And like Johnny said, I was not one to quit. Now, I had a legitimate reason to hang in there. Johnny needed me. Not in a physical way, or even an emotional way, but he needed me to be his eyes and ears, and to have his back. How could I possible say no and turn away from him?

“All right,” I said. “I’m fully committed to staying.”

“Good,” Fred answered. He extended his arm to me for a handshake. He looked over at Johnny, who seemed less relieved than I had expected. “Johnny, does that answer all your questions?”

He pressed into his temple and stood up. “Um…Yes. But can we go back to the part about Amanda being at the most risk of getting hurt, or however you put it?”

“Yes. What’s the question?”

“I’m going to get Kevin to add more staff to the private security detail. I don’t want anything happening to her.” He looked directly at me. “If Amanda’s the last line of defense, we need to bolster the team around her.”

“I have no problem with your suggestion.”

“Good.”

“Now, about the awards show this evening, is there any way to talk you out of performing?”

“Uhh… I highly doubt that,” he answered. “When would you like us back down here to go over everything else?”

“We’re ready now, if you are. Let me see if Kevin is available. We can meet in here.”

“Great.” Johnny smiled and walked over to me. When Fred left, he pulled me into his arms. “Feel better about staying now?”

“Slightly,” I told him, not wanting to let on how much it helped to hear Fred’s perspective. “Let’s have a seat…in separate chairs, as I want us both to give it our full attention.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he joked, pulling away slightly.

He leaned down and kissed me softly before heading back to the chair he had been sitting in. As much as he might have been trying to appear nonchalant, I could tell there was something about Fred’s talk that bothered him. I wished I knew what that was.