Why Women Have Sex (28 page)

Some women in our study described wanting to have sex with someone as a sort of “relationship screening test.” That is, they wanted to see
whether the person was “good enough” in the sack to warrant a relationship:

I think that this is a normal evolution in a relationship. If I have gone out with a person a few times and it leads up to sex, I am curious to know how the sex is. If it is awful, there are few circumstances that would compel me to stay in the relationship. If it is good, then it becomes [a] reason to stay in the relationship.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 23

I’ve had sex with people I’ve dated to see if I liked sleeping with them, so I could decide whether I wanted to keep going out with them or not. My experiences with that have been mixed but mostly positive. For example, that is what I did with my current boyfriend and I was happy that I already knew what it would be like to have sex with him before I made any decisions about what kind of a relationship I wanted us to have. My feelings at the time were that things were going well, and that seeing what it was like to have sex with him was the next logical step.

—bisexual woman, age 24

One woman wanted to make sure sex wasn’t better elsewhere before she walked down the aisle:

My boyfriend and I had discussed the possibility of marriage. Then, I started to get cold feet. I wondered if the sex that my boyfriend and I were having was good enough. So, I had sex with someone else that I thought would be good in bed.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 20

Using sex as a relationship screening test obviously stands counter to the old tradition of women waiting until they are married to have sex. It also says loud and clear that
good sex
is an important aspect of relationships for many women—important enough that lack of it can be a deal breaker. Women in our study who wrote about testing sexual compatibility
before committing to a relationship were mainly younger, in their twenties and thirties. But research shows that sex plays an important role in relationships for women across the life span.

In a study conducted by National Family Opinion Research, Inc., 745 American women aged forty-five years and older answered surveys on the importance of sexuality in their lives. Almost half of the women between the ages of forty-five and fifty-nine felt that having a satisfying sexual relationship was important to their overall quality of life. The National Council on Aging reported similar findings among a group of American women aged sixty years and older. Among the women who were sexually active, two-thirds said that maintaining an active sex life was an important aspect of their relationship with their partner.

[To get experience] is pretty much a constant reason [why] I have sex. I definitely think there’s always room for improvement, and I feel it is important to be a skilled participant when you are having sex with someone. As a woman, I don’t want to be a “dead fish.” I want to be involved and actually contribute. It makes it better for both partners.

—heterosexual woman, age 20

Many women in our study, particularly younger women, cited improving their sexual skills as a motive for gaining sexual experience. Some women said they wanted to gain sexual experience to avoid the humiliation of being viewed as sexually inexperienced:

The first time I had sex, a big part of the reason was that I was nineteen and felt like it was time I “learn how” to have sex. . . . So the first time I had sex, it was with someone much older whom I didn’t really care about, and it was mostly just because I wanted to know what I was doing the next time. To clarify: it wasn’t that I wanted to lose my “virgin” status; being a virgin didn’t bother me, per se. It was just that I felt like someone of that age was expected
to know what they were doing sexually, so I did what I thought I needed to in order to learn what I was doing.

—heterosexual woman, age 23

When I was fourteen, I was really concerned about being horrible at performing fellatio. I never had, but I wanted some practice before I began dating someone I cared about—someone whose opinion of my [skill at giving] oral sex I cared about. My friends and I used to hang out late at night in a parking lot and watch some guys BMX and flirt with them. One night, one of them . . . asked me if I would flash one of his friends . . . to cheer him up. I laughed and he offered me [five] dollars. I did it and then tossed off, “That’s not all I’ll do,” and began to walk away. One of the guys caught up with me a block away and asked if I would give him head for [five] dollars. This was exactly what I had wanted. I agreed, but said I would not swallow. He asked, Would I if he gave me [more]? I still said no. So I did it in my friend’s backyard and it was pretty awkward. I gagged and almost threw up. I felt really exposed. After he left, I began to feel kinda shitty, like I had just sold my self-respect. I was kind of ashamed, but got over it in a day or so.

—“straight-plus” woman, age 19

One woman said she wanted the experience so that sex would be better on her wedding day:

I had decided that I wanted to have sex before marriage, primarily because you want to know what to do and how to act when you’re married. It would almost be embarrassing or awkward if you were lost in what you were doing especially if one partner is a virgin and the other isn’t. . . . I think there is a lot of pressure and importance on the consummation of marriage. It’s a pretty big deal to a lot of people, so they want it to be “perfect.”

—heterosexual woman, age 20

Most of the women who had sex primarily to improve their sexual skill did so because they believed it would contribute to an overall better
sexual experience—not just for their partner, but for themselves as well:

I have had sex with my boyfriend to make my sexual skills better for the both of us. I see it as each time I have sex I’m also choosing to do it to heighten my skills so we can both have an even better experience than the last.

—heterosexual woman, age 20

Sexual science has documented that the more sexually experienced a woman is, the more likely she is to have an orgasm. The reason is simple: The more a woman has sex, the more opportunities she has to learn what feels good to her sexually and how to have an orgasm. Sexual experience can also explain why it is often said that women “peak in their thirties”—a saying backed by research as early as the classic survey conducted by Alfred Kinsey in the early 1950s. Kinsey found that women’s total orgasm frequency from all sexual “outlets,” including intercourse and masturbation, was highest around age thirty. A more recent study on the sexual desire of 1,414 Canadian and American women of different ages also found a sexual peak among women in the thirty-to-thirty-four-year-old age bracket. Women in these age brackets also described themselves as more “lustful,” “seductive,” and “sexually active” than women in any other age category studied. In North America, most women in their thirties have had numerous sexual experiences and have had sex with a variety of different partners. According to one study, approximately 25 percent of women in their thirties have had sex with five to ten different partners since age eighteen, and just over 10 percent have had sex with more than twenty-one different partners. By contrast, only about 15 percent of women in their late teens and early twenties have had between five and ten sexual partners, and approximately one-third have had sexual intercourse with only one person. Consequently, women in their thirties usually have enough sexual experience to know how to attain sexual pleasure. Compared with women in their teens or twenties, they also tend to be more confident. Along with confidence comes the ability to communicate sexual needs and desires to a partner.

The link between sexual experience and sexual satisfaction in women is
not quite so clear-cut. In the short term, the more sexually experienced a woman is, the more likely she is to seek out sexually satisfying experiences. But in long-term committed relationships, being sexually experienced may not always be a good thing. For example, what if a woman finds a partner who is perfect in many ways—the couple share the same interests and life goals and are attracted to each other, and the partner is intelligent, kind, and loyal—but her “near perfect mate” is seriously lacking in the lovemaking department and doesn’t seem to have what it takes to be able to learn? Then what? Some would argue being sexually experienced prior to marriage is not a good thing—that not knowing what else is out there is better in the long run. If you have never tasted fine French Champagne, then a sparkling California wine tastes just dandy. However, based on the responses of some of the women in our study, achieving sexual pleasure may not be negotiable in their relationships.

Whether being sexually experienced prior to marriage is good or bad depends on many unique characteristics of each woman. If a woman chooses the “no sex before marriage” option and is content with whatever will unfold, then that is the right choice for her. But if she later spends her nights fantasizing about other men, or is drawn into having an affair simply out of curiosity, then it might have been better if she checked out her options beforehand:

I lost my virginity to my fiancé when I was fifteen years old and by the time I had been with him for two years and knew I wanted to marry him I realized that I wanted to see what it was like to have sex with other men. I ended up cheating on him, which we have worked past now. I regret it every day but I think I needed that experience in order to move forward with my relationship.

—heterosexual woman, age 18

If a woman chooses the “informed shopper” option, she then runs the risk of having to deal with the fact that her chosen mate may not live up to her sexual memories. That fiery sex with Fabio on the beach while vacationing in Greece may be hard to replicate back home years later when the children are screaming and the dog needs walking and both partners are exhausted from work. If a woman holds on to such memories and compares
her current sex life with that of a passionate encounter she had in the past, then undoubtedly she is going to feel that she has made a disappointing compromise in the sex department. But if a woman is able to put such past experiences into their proper context, and to recognize that wildly passionate lovers do not always make the best long-term mates, then there is no reason such memories should negatively impact her current sex life.

In the Meston Lab, rarely a month goes by that someone from the media does not call to ask for a scientific explanation as to why people are claiming that some new herb or food or sexual practice causes super-sized orgasms. More often than not, the explanation boils down to
novelty
. People get bored when situations get too predictable—like always having sex at the same time, in the same position, or in the same location. Trying something new, such as giving oral sex after eating extra-strength Altoid mints (a craze we were asked about in 2008), creates new sensations, catches your attention, and spices things up.

Women in our study described engaging in sexual encounters because they craved some variety in their sex lives:

I don’t consider myself to be monogamous. I enjoy being sexual with different people because everything they do is different.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 28

My girlfriend and I are both into S&M, she’s more experienced than I am. Often, after hearing or reading about new activities or techniques, we make a point to try them during our sexual encounters in order to give us more experience with them.

—predominantly homosexual woman, age 21

For some women, adding variety to their sex lives meant adding another person to the mix, along with their current partner:

When I was in a lesbian relationship, my girlfriend and I decided to have sex with a former girlfriend of mine just to spice things up
a bit. My ex and I were still friends and there was no jealousy between her and my current girlfriend.

—pansexual woman, age 33

I’ve been in a relationship for nearly nine years and after a while the spark tends to fade. [My] husband and I agreed that we would open the relationship to allow us both to partake of others. We both felt hopeful that this would lead to more intimacy in our relationship, which it has. We are now polyamorous.

—polyamorous woman, age 30

At times, a woman may seek other partners as a solution to a mismatched sexual drive with her partner:

I am a very sexual woman and enjoy specific ways of lovemaking. My husband and I do not share the same drive and even when we do, he finishes quickly and does not pay attention to my needs. I’ve chosen many different partners over the years, for many different reasons. I’ve had sex with a coworker, several married men, and also tried a threesome (male, female, female). I have had sex with a younger man who worked at my child’s high school. I have met a man online whom I had a long-term affair with, strictly sexual. I’ve felt some emotional involvement with these people, but [I] certainly [have] not [been] “in love” with any of them. It’s for fun, great sex, and expressing myself. It is exciting and a bit dangerous.