Why Women Have Sex (10 page)

For the small percentage of women who ejaculate during orgasm through G-spot stimulation, vaginal contractions likely help release the fluid from the urethra. It is also likely that vaginal contractions during orgasm help dissipate the genital vasocongestion that occurs during sexual arousal. As described earlier, there is an intense accumulation of blood in the vagina, labia, and clitoris during sexual arousal. Orgasm helps the blood to flow out of the genital tissue quickly. If orgasm does not occur, it takes a substantial amount of time—up to an hour—for the blood to flow back from this tissue. This unresolved vasocongestion sometimes frustrates women as it gives them an uncomfortable feeling, analogous to what men refer to as “blue balls.” Blood also rapidly flows out of the nipples and areolae following orgasm. In fact, at orgasm the amount of blood loss from the areolae is so rapid that they become corrugated before they return to their unaroused flat state. The corrugation provides a fairly reliable sign that orgasm has occurred.

Prolactin levels double immediately after orgasm and remain elevated for about an hour afterward. Prolactin is thought to be responsible for the refractory period in men—the period of time post-ejaculation when a man is unable to attain another erection. The refractory period varies greatly between men of all ages, but increases with age; more recovery time is required between erections in older men. In women, however, prolactin does not seem to have the same inhibitory effect. As a result, women are able to have multiple, serial orgasms, with the latter ones being just as good as, and sometimes even better than, the first. Unlike men, women can also attain what Masters and Johnson referred to as “status orgasmus,” orgasms that last for several minutes. Another difference between male and female orgasms is that once a man becomes highly sexually aroused he reaches a “point of no return,” in that orgasm becomes automatic even if stimulation is stopped. In women, however, if stimulation is stopped, during either clitoral-or vaginal-induced orgasms, the orgasm is abruptly halted. Partners please note.

Women describe a variety of intense mental and emotional experiences that occur during or immediately after orgasm. Women use
many adjectives to describe the psychological experience of orgasm: incredible, powerful, fulfilling, satisfying, intense, exciting, euphoric, pleasurable, elated, rapturous, loving, tender, close, passionate, unifying, relaxing, soothing, peaceful, ecstatic, and wild. One woman in our study was particularly eloquent:

I feel like experiencing the joy of physical release as well as the emotional high, post-orgasm. I enjoy the process, the end result is not the goal, rather the entire experience is arousing, enjoyable, and productive. Sometimes I want to feel the sexual pleasure so I can repeat a technique or fantasy. Most of the time my sexual experiences encompass a great deal of oral sex, and depending on my mood I prefer to give or receive or participate in both at the same time! My favorite way to climax is to have my husband perform oral sex while I fantasize about . . . something (this varies with time and mood—it is sometimes homosexual, sometimes heterosexual, and sometimes I just focus on the moment). I enjoy the feeling of sex.

—heterosexual woman, age 28

Is the psychological experience of orgasm the same in men as it is in women? To answer that question, scientists asked men and women to write paragraphs describing their mental experience of orgasm. Later, others read the paragraphs and guessed whether the orgasm descriptions were written by men or women. In most cases, the raters were unable to accurately identify whether the writers were men or women. This suggests that men and women psychologically experience orgasms very similarly.

A number of hormones are released during orgasm—with prolactin, discussed above, and oxytocin being the most prominent. Oxytocin release has been associated with emotional bonding and might explain why some women experience an intense feeling of connectedness with their partners following orgasm. While orgasm can lead to feelings of attachment or bonding in women, emotional attachment is certainly not necessary for women to experience sexual pleasure or orgasm:

There have been times when I wasn’t emotionally connected to the person I had sex with but I did it because I wanted to feel the physical
pleasure of sex and orgasm. . . . One instance was a friend of mine for a few years. I hadn’t had sex in awhile and needed a release. We had dinner at my house, and later that evening wound up in bed. I felt comfortable with him because he was a friend, and the sex was really enjoyable.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 28

If pleasure can be such a powerful sexual motivation, what exactly triggers a woman’s orgasm? In the 1960s, it was proposed that a woman’s orgasm was some sort of spinal reflex caused by nerves firing in the pelvic muscles as a response to genital engorgement. In the 1970s, the clitoris became the popular candidate for activating these sensory impulses—which still were thought to build up to a supposed spinal reflex. In the 1980s, scientists suggested that once sexual arousal intensifies to a certain level, a hypothetical “orgasm center” in the brain is activated. Today, scientists cannot say exactly what triggers orgasms in women, or whether there is a special “orgasmatron” in the brain that is responsible. (Researchers are just beginning to use brain imaging techniques to identify exactly which regions of the brain are involved in orgasm and whether they differ between men and women.)

We do know, however, that orgasms in women can be induced many different ways. Stimulation of the clitoris and vagina are the most common means. Women usually achieve orgasms through clitoral stimulation much more easily than through sexual intercourse. In fact, most surveys show that only about 60 percent of orgasmic women are able to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. It is simply the case that many women need more stimulation of the clitoris to achieve an orgasm than is provided by intercourse. Some women worry or think they are missing out on something big if they are unable to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. Rest assured, if this describes you, that vaginally induced orgasms are no more meaningful, intense, or pleasurable than clitorally induced orgasms (although some women who are able to have orgasms both ways do have their preferences).

The belief that vaginal orgasms are somehow better than clitoral
orgasms can be traced to Sigmund Freud’s assertion in the 1920s that clitoral orgasms were “infantile” and that the vagina was the center of a “mature” woman’s sexual response. Freud had a hard time imagining that the penis was not central to every woman’s sexual pleasure, and as a result, millions of perfectly functional women have doubted their sexual abilities. In the 1960s, Masters and Johnson reported that all orgasms in women are physiologically identical, regardless of the type of stimulation that triggered them—putting Freud’s theory to bed. There is now some limited laboratory research showing that a different pattern of uterine and pelvic muscle activity occurs with vaginally induced versus clitorally induced orgasms. However, even if different uterine and pelvic muscle activity occurs during vaginal compared to clitoral orgasms, it is a small factor in the overall orgasm experience.

Some women are able to have orgasms from clitoral, G-spot, or cervical stimulation, and some reach orgasm from pressure applied to the
mons pubis,
the fatty mound of flesh covered by pubic hair that lies directly over the pubic bone. But women have also reported reaching orgasm through breast or nipple stimulation, from mental imagery or fantasy, or even from hypnosis or during their sleep. Thus, orgasms can occur in women without any genital involvement whatsoever. The fact that orgasms can occur while a woman is sleeping suggests that even consciousness may not be an essential requirement. Occasionally, “spontaneous orgasms” have been described in the psychiatric literature where a woman has an orgasm when there is no apparent sexual stimulus involved.

Assuming that it is acceptable to her, it is much easier for most women to attain orgasm during masturbation than with a partner:

I have never had an orgasm except by myself, so my definition of “heterosexual pleasure” is sensuous rather than sexual.

—heterosexual woman, age 54

In a survey of over 1,600 American women ages eighteen to fifty-nine, only 29 percent of the women overall said they were able to
have an orgasm with a partner. Sixty-one percent—more than twice as many—said they were able to have an orgasm when they masturbated.

The reason why women are able to attain orgasm more easily during masturbation than with a partner is simple: Most women who masturbate spend time touching and exploring their erogenous zones. They learn through experimentation how much and where to stimulate in order to achieve the most pleasurable sexual experience. Because every woman is unique in where, when, and how much touching is needed to achieve orgasm, even the most sexually skilled partner needs a road map the first few times. What sent Lisa screaming with delight could very well send Linda screaming out of the bedroom. Consider how one woman in our study described it:

I enjoy having sex with my husband because he knows how to bring me physical pleasure with very little instruction at this point (we have been together for six years) . . . I do not have to “work” for the pleasure, I can just relax and enjoy myself.

—heterosexual woman, age 28

If a woman wants to attain sexual pleasure and orgasm with her partner, communication helps. That means explaining verbally, or with subtle (or not so subtle) hand signals, or by redirecting limbs and fingers to new locations to teach her partner the “no zones” and the “go zones.” This is often difficult for women to do. Many say that they are afraid of offending their partners. Indeed, partners who think they are already masterful lovers may not react graciously when told what to do. In addition, many women have been taught by their parents, grandparents, teachers, or religious leaders that when it comes to sex, there are distinct gender roles to be followed: Men are the initiators of sex and “proper” women let them lead. It is not uncommon for women who rely on their partner to figure out what pleases them to remain sexually unfulfilled for years:

Sex . . . , when you are young, is fantastic. . . . Wait until you are over fifty-five . . . married or not, sex is really not important . . . but
it should be. Men place so much importance on it but know nothing about foreplay [or] its importance, however small it may seem.

—heterosexual woman, age 54

And taking control of one’s sexuality, despite how difficult or embarrassing sexual communication can be, often leads to long-term improvements in sexual pleasure:

I began to wonder if my sexual experience is completely in my hands or if my partner can be a big factor in how much I enjoyed it. I have had many partners and have only recently begun to really enjoy sex in a way that is fulfilling and satisfying. For a long time, I suspected it had something to do with my partners, and I’m sure it did, though I think now that mostly it has to do with me. Maybe I know myself and my body better, or perhaps I choose better partners, but I know it’s up to me to open up to feeling pleasure.

—predominantly heterosexual woman, age 27

Whereas “good” partner sex generally involves a degree of reciprocity, some women focus on their partner’s pleasure to the exclusion of their own:

When I was single, I had sex for my own personal pleasure. Now that I am married, I have sex to please my husband. My own pleasure doesn’t seem as important as his. I believe he feels the same way.

—heterosexual woman, age 26

When a partner is involved, women can sometimes lose focus on their own pleasurable sensations during sex and become preoccupied with, for example, how to position their bodies to make them appear most attractive. As we’ll see, these sorts of thoughts make it hard for a woman to attain a level of arousal high enough for orgasm to occur.

Women who are unable to have an orgasm, or who have orgasms only very infrequently, often wonder if there is something physically wrong with them. It is true that a number of medical conditions, such as diabetic neuropathy, certain pelvic surgeries, and disorders that impair blood flow to the genitals, such as coronary heart disease and high blood pressure, can lead to orgasm problems in women, as can a number of prescription medications. The good news is that in physically healthy women, scientists have never found anything physical that distinguishes women who are able from those who are not able to have orgasms.

Clinical psychologists and psychiatrists agree that the two most common reasons why women experience orgasm problems are that they are not receiving enough pleasurable stimulation for an orgasm to occur or that something is distracting them from focusing on the pleasurable stimulation. In addition to trying to please a partner or worrying about how they look, potential distractors include worrying about whether the kids (or the parents) next door are listening, contemplating the next day’s work and errands, reevaluating a partner’s mate value, and—probably the number one “orgasm killer”—guilt. If a woman is raised to believe, for religious or other reasons, that sex is meant only for procreation and within marital constraints, then she is more likely to experience a big dose of guilt rather than a big orgasm when she has sex outside that context.