Why the Sky Is Blue (20 page)

“Can Lara sleep over?” Olivia said, handing the brush over to Seth.

“Maybe another time, Olivia,” Lara said right away. “I’m going to help your Grandma Gerrity at the shop tonight, okay?”

It was Friday. Jazz Night at Tennyson’s Table.

I found out later Seth spent the evening there as well.

The next day at Nicole’s brunch Seth and Lara disappeared as soon as the cheese soufflé was eaten. Mom gave me a look a few minutes later, and I went to see where they had gone.

I found them on the deck in the backyard. She was sitting. He was pacing. I was indoors, and the air conditioner was humming merrily, so I had no idea what they were talking about. I didn’t know what else to do now that I’d found them, so I headed back to the kitchen.

Mom and Nicole both looked at me when I came back.

“Well?” Nicole said.

“I’ll talk to Lara later,” I said.

I came over to my parents’ house later that day with the kids and an old bookcase I bought some weeks earlier and was going to refinish at my parents’ place. It was a good enough reason to go over and talk to Lara.

I asked her to help me bring the bookcase into the machine shed, which she cheerfully did. When we had set it down, I asked her if there was anything going on between her and Seth.

“Going on?” she asked.

“You know what I mean,” I said. And I was sure she did.

She paused for a moment.

“It’s not what you think,” she said. “Seth doesn’t need a girlfriend right now. He needs a friend. And he needs God.”

“And you think you’re the one to lead him to God?” I said, feeling like I had just been lectured.

She shrugged easily. “It doesn’t have to be me.”

“What? But no one else is doing it?” I said, a little more miffed. I had spent countless hours trying to help Seth make sense of his life.

“I don’t know what anyone else is doing, Kate. I don’t presume to know,” she said. “He just asked me about God. And he keeps asking me. He’s searching for answers.”

“What were you two doing the night of the party when no one could find you?” I suddenly asked.

She looked puzzled.

“The night of the party?” she repeated.

“When everyone was leaving, you and Seth came walking up from behind the barn.”

Her eyes got wide as she realized what I was hinting at.

“I was looking for Silhouette,” she said, clearly hurt. “He was just helping me.”

So they were looking for her cat. I’m sure she was, but I had my doubts about Seth.

“Look, Lara,” I said. “I’ve spent a lot of time with Seth. He is a born manipulator. He may just be using every opportunity to get you to fall for him.”

Lara looked away. A tear slipped from one eye. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

“I know you mean well, Kate,” she said softly. “And I know Seth has a lot of respect for you, but you will never get anywhere with him until you see him as more than just the sum of all his faults.”

I was speechless.

“Inside that tough guy is a little boy who was abandoned by his father, whose mother has pretty much given up on him, and who believes he isn’t worth the air he breathes,” she said, softer still. “God chooses to perfectly love the unlovely and the lovely alike, without hesitation,” she said, wiping the tear away. “Seth needs to know that. He
has
to know that, or he will destroy himself.”

She turned and walked back toward the house.

28

Lara and Mom left for the Twin Cities on Monday morning so that Lara could catch a noon flight to Detroit. Mom asked me if I wanted to go with them, inviting me to do a little shopping with her and her friend Becky after Lara was safely on her flight, but I decided not to go. I told her I didn’t want to leave Nicole with the shop all to herself on a Monday, usually a busy day. But that wasn’t the real reason.

The real reason was I felt uncomfortable around Lara, because part of me felt I owed her an apology. I hadn’t been alone with her since the episode in the machine shed at my parents’ house. She wasn’t mad at me, and I thought it would make a lot more sense if she were. It made me feel worse that she didn’t treat me differently. It was like we never had that conversation in the machine shed. In truth, I was kind of mad at her for accusing me of missing the boat with Seth. I wanted her to be mad at me for accusing her of having romantic feelings for him. But she wasn’t.

Every day that week Olivia told me how much she missed Lara, and even Bennett started to moan about her not being around. I tried to keep up with Olivia’s swimming lessons at the community pool. I tried twice. But I “didn’t do it right.” Olivia didn’t want me to try and show her anything about swimming while Lara was away. And Michael started getting things ready for the county fair, an event many of his agriculture students were involved with, so I didn’t see him much that week.

Everything seemed wrong while Lara was away, not “back to normal” like I thought it would be. And that aggravated me. Mom was moody at the shop, and even Dad, the few times I saw him, seemed quiet and deep in thought. By Sunday, the day Lara was to return, everyone seemed anxious and distracted, like she was returning home from a year’s absence, not just a week’s.

After Lara came home from Ann Arbor, the rest of July slipped away without incident, and August arrived, as hot and humid as ever. Lara seemed to have enjoyed her time with my grandparents, but I didn’t ask her much about it, and she didn’t volunteer any information. I asked her if she had a good time. She said she did. End of conversation.

The county fair came and went, and Seth sold his blue-ribbon ewe to a local breeder. He kept the ribbon. I think it was the first time Seth had ever gotten an award for anything. He hung it over the rearview mirror of his car like a pair of furry dice.

The Friday before Jennifer’s wedding, Mom, Dad, and Lara, together with Michael, our kids, and me, drove up to Red Wing to practice for the wedding and attend the rehearsal dinner. I was a little nervous about the whole thing. Jennifer was adamant from the beginning of her wedding plans that Olivia and Bennett should be the flower girl and ring bearer for the ceremony. I figured Olivia would do okay, but I wasn’t sure about Bennett. Not knowing for sure what he would do that Saturday—the day of the wedding—kept me from enjoying Friday.

The rehearsal went okay, and the dinner, which was held at an old inn, was nice, but it was late when the kids got to bed, and I feared lack of sleep would just make things worse for me.

On Saturday, Olivia was at the beauty salon by ten in the morning. She wanted Lara to take her. Part of me was slightly offended that she didn’t insist I come, and part of me was glad I could concentrate solely on keeping Bennett fed and rested.

Pictures with the photographer began at noon and became rather tedious. The photographer came across as somewhat of a perfectionist, every pose seeming to take forever. I felt Lara was doing a much better job just taking candids. Everyone seemed to be relaxed and comfortable in front of her lens.

At one o’clock, two hours before the wedding, I found a quiet place in the church’s nursery and rocked Bennett to sleep. I wanted him to have a nap under his belt before the ceremony began, even if it was just a short one. It took a while, but he finally gave in, and after he was sleeping soundly, I tiptoed out to see if I could find a Diet Coke.

Being unfamiliar with Karin and Kent’s church, I got lost looking for the kitchen. But I did come across Lara and Olivia sitting in a little alcove. Olivia was in Lara’s lap, with her blonde curls nestled against the cornflower blue of Lara’s dress. Olivia’s white tulle skirt was spread across Lara’s knees, and she was clicking her shiny white heels together. Neither one saw me approach.

“Do you like my dress?” she was saying to Lara.

“It’s a very beautiful dress,” Lara answered.

“I have a crown, too,” Olivia said, pointing to the tiny tiara poking through the ringlets on the top of her head.

“Yes, you do,” Lara said. “You look just like a princess.”

“I might be too scared to throw the petals,” Olivia said after a pause.

Lara looked out the window for a moment.

“Sometimes being in a big place where there’s lots of people watching can seem a little scary,” Lara said. “But just remember whose big place this is, Olivia. This is like God’s house, so you can feel safe here. And you can just look at your mommy and daddy as you’re walking. Don’t look at anyone else if you think it might be too scary. Your mommy and daddy will be right up front by the tall flowers. They will be looking at you walking toward them and thinking how beautiful and grown-up you look.”

“What if I forget to throw the petals?” Olivia said.

“It will be okay if you don’t throw them, sweetie. Nobody will mind.”

I loved seeing Olivia becoming so relaxed, but I wished I was the one setting her at ease.

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” Olivia asked Lara, and I felt myself lean forward to hear her answer. I wondered what Lara would say. It amazed me how much I wanted to know what she thought of Spencer and me. But what could Lara possibly say to Olivia? I couldn’t picture Lara lying, but to Olivia, Lara was just a friend of the family. What was she going to tell her?

“Well, when I was growing up, it was just me and my mom and my dad,” Lara said. “But where we lived in Ecuador, there were lots of other children, so I felt like I had many brothers and sisters.”

“Did you ever wish you had a real sister?” Olivia said, clicking her heels.

I felt my breath catch in my throat.

“Yes, I did,” Lara said softly, looking out the window. “Many times.”

“Me, too,” Olivia chimed in, not giving me a moment to absorb what I was hearing.

“How about if you be
my
sister?” Olivia said, looking up at Lara and smiling widely.

Lara smiled down at her.

“We sort of already are,” Lara said. “We both love Jesus, and we are both in God’s family—that makes us sisters in Jesus. Pretty cool, huh?”

Olivia looked back down at her shoes, smiling.

I decided it was time to emerge from the shadows.

“Can I use your camera a moment, Lara?” I said, motioning to the Canon sitting next to her.

“Sure,” Lara answered, a bit surprised to see me.

I took the camera and stepped back from them, angling the camera so it picked up the sunlight through the window, which splashed their beautiful faces with natural light.

“Say cheese,” I said and pressed the shutter button.

Jennifer’s wedding was beautiful, and my kids did everything they were supposed to do. Olivia walked down the aisle with Bennett at her side, stopping every other step to throw a tiny handful of petals. It seemed to take a long time for the kids to reach the bridal party at the front of the church. Every time Olivia stopped, Bennett stopped. And if a petal landed off the white satin runner, Olivia bent down, picked it up, and placed it where it belonged. She watched over Bennett like a mother hen, making sure the rings he carried in between the pages of an open Bible didn’t fall off.

As soon as they made it to the front of the church, Olivia and Bennett came and sat down by Michael and me. Mission accomplished.

The rest of the day was pleasant enough. My kids found other kids to pal around with at the reception, which was held in the fellowship hall of the church. Lara stayed at our table for the most part, as did my parents. At one point I heard Mom introduce Lara to a wedding guest.

“This is Lara Prentiss,” she said to the woman. “Lara’s mother just recently passed away. She was a very dear friend. Lara is spending her senior year in high school with Dan and me.”

The woman said something like, “Oh, I am so sorry,” to Lara but I didn’t hear the rest. Bennett was suddenly at my side, doing what I call the potty dance.

I took him to the toilet, but my mind was elsewhere. I knew Lara wouldn’t just be “spending her senior year of high school” with us like my mother told that woman. It wasn’t going to be just nine months of having her and then letting her go. That’s what happened the last time. But I knew it wouldn’t be that way this time. I knew that Mom would never let her go again.

I brought Bennett back out, and he scampered away to rejoin his new friends. I walked toward my parents’ table and saw that Mom and Lara had left it, leaving Spencer sitting alone. Natalie must have found a quiet place to nurse Noah. I couldn’t immediately see where Mom and Lara were, but I decided I would take advantage of even a few minutes alone with Spencer.

“Having a good time?” I asked him as I reached the table and took the chair I had sat in earlier.

“Yeah, it was a nice wedding,” he said.

“Yes, it was,” I replied.

“Olivia and Bennett were as cute as can be,” he said. “They nearly stole the show.”

“I guess I worried for nothing,” I said. “I was so afraid it would end up a disaster.”

“How come?” he said, smiling.

“Wait until Noah is older,” I said. “Then you’ll know how unpredictable kids can be.”

“You’re doing a great job with your kids, Kate,” he said. “I’m sure they don’t surprise you with disasters too often.”

“No, but when it happens, run for cover,” I said half-grinning and ignoring that we weren’t talking about what I wanted to talk about at all. “Olivia has a temper you wouldn’t believe. Sometimes it amazes me how quickly she can get angry. Bennett is following right along in her footsteps. And then of course when they get angry, I get angry, and I usually say and do things I regret.”

“It happens to all parents,” Spencer said. “None of us is perfect.”

“Being a parent sure brings out the worst in us sometimes,” I replied.

“And sometimes the best,” Spencer said, looking me straight in the eye.

I think he knew then why I had come back to the empty table to talk with him. Even though the conversation seemed to be about my kids and my being a mother, I could sense in that moment that Spencer was really talking about Lara and our own mother. I felt like he was telling me with his eyes that there was no cause for regrets when it came to Lara, that terrible circumstances had nevertheless brought out the best in our mother. And perhaps even in our father.

And if I let it, it could bring out the best in me.

We stayed another night in Red Wing and then drove home on Sunday. On Monday, Michael and Mom registered Lara for classes at the same high school where Michael teaches. I think Mom was hoping that Lara wouldn’t really be academically ready for her senior year. But there was no getting past the fact that her school records showed she was way ahead of most sixteen-year-olds.

Just before school started, Michael, the kids, and I prepared for our family vacation—a week in northern Minnesota at a lakeside resort. Olivia begged us to bring Lara along. I almost wished she hadn’t, because for some reason I wanted it to be my idea that she come with us. I was starting to become aware of new feelings for Lara that made me feel good inside, not anxious. I wanted them to grow.

The week at the lake was very relaxing in many ways. We didn’t have a schedule from day to day; we just woke up every morning and said to one another, “What do you want to do today?” We would decide, and then we would do it.

One morning late in the week, Michael took Bennett and Olivia out in a canoe. Lara and I sat on the dock with our bare feet hanging over the side. I was finally starting to feel comfortable around her—not completely at ease, but certainly less apprehensive.

We chatted about trivial things: the weather, food, and traveling. Somehow Rosemary’s name came up.

“Do you miss her?” I asked, realizing that, of course, any child misses a parent who has just died.

Lara looked out over the water and said nothing for the first few seconds.

“I miss her more than I thought I would,” she finally said. “I was so ready for her to be free of pain that in the end I wanted her to go home. I guess I thought I wouldn’t miss her as much because she would be in heaven and would never know pain again. But I do miss her.”

“Rosemary was an amazing person,” I said, looking out over the water as well.

“Yes, she was,” Lara said.

“You’re a lot like her, Lara,” I said, looking at her.

She looked up at me and smiled.

“I think that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me,” she said.

We were quiet for a moment, each of us kind of lost in our own thoughts.

I didn’t know what Lara was thinking, but I was wondering what it would be like to be compared to someone as matchless as Rosemary. I couldn’t imagine it ever happening to me. I was nothing like Rosemary, nothing like Lara.