Who We Are (12 page)

He got out of bed and stripped off the rest of his clothes. He went into the little bathroom just outside his room. He needed a hot shower to ease the tension in his body. He ran the water for a few minutes then stepped in as the steam started to rise above the shower curtains. He stood there for almost ten minutes, letting the hot water run over his tired body. Not only was he physically exhausted, he was mentally fatigued. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep up this façade, but knew he would to fight to the death if necessary to restore what he could of his shattered life.

              He lathered his body and stood under the hot water for another five minutes before turning off the taps. He grabbed a towel and dried off. As he hung the towel up on a hook, he caught his reflection in the mirror above the sink. Although he still looked like a young man, his eyes concealed an ocean of secrets that sometimes made him feel like he was a thousand years old.

              He occasionally wondered if he shouldn’t just give up and surrender to this twisted community, but the fear of getting caught and never having an opportunity to see his Darby again was what gave him the strength to carry on. He turned around and looked at the scarred roadmap on his back. These scars were a permanent reminder to him that he was living in a world that was all flowers and sunshine on the surface, but had  a festering underbelly of torture and disregard for basic human rights.

              His initial resistance was punished severely, but that lesson taught him to comply and submit – at  least on the outside. On the inside, he fought to remain true to who he was.

              Desire was so innocent to all of it and he worried that her curiosity and naturally mischievous nature would continue to put her at risk. He had seen others like her disappear into the clinic and never return. To the rest of the community, they were simply programmed to believe that those people never existed and life went on as usual.

              He reached under his bed mattress and pulled out a flask of whiskey. He quickly swallowed three shots and then returned it to its hiding spot. He lay his head back down and let the whiskey dull all the noise in his head. Tobias was kind enough to share his home batch with him. It was basically gut-rot with a kick, but Tobias told him that he needed a couple of belts every night to help him sleep. Johnny didn’t drink it every night, but today definitely called for a little liquid mind-numb.

He woke up with bright lights shining all around him. He had no idea where he was. His head throbbed and he could barely lift his arms up off the mattress. He turned his head to the side and saw a man wearing all white sitting at a little desk writing on a clipboard. Where was he? He tried to remember what happened before he went to sleep but his mind felt fuzzy and he couldn’t put together a sensible thought. The man from the little desk came over and said something to him that he couldn’t understand. The man removed a syringe from his pocket and slowly start to inject something into his intravenous line…

Chapter Ten

              Desire woke up feeing refreshed and fully alive. It was Monday morning and today she hoped to spend some time with Johnny and begin the preparations for the games and prize. She jumped out of bed and dressed quickly. When she looked into her closet, she noticed that all her old frump clothing was gone and there hung four brand new skirts, two pale blue, one pale green and one yellow. Her blouses were the same white blouses. She also noticed that her heavy stockings had been replaced with thigh-high flesh coloured stocking. She was giggling with delight as Mama and Papa walked into her room.

              “Darling, you are a young woman now and we have decided that you no longer need to dress as a child.” Papa turned and left the room and her mother winked at her and then followed him.

              Desire grabbed the yellow skirt. This colour was the farthest away from black that she could imagine! She brushed her hair and tied a couple ribbons in it. She spun around in her new clothes and felt glorious. They felt so light and looked very beautiful. She started to go downstairs, but stopped halfway down and ran back up. She grabbed the wooden figure Johnny had made for her, stuffed it in her pocket, and then continued back downstairs.

              Papa was already gone to Work so it was just her and Mama for breakfast. Desire ate her meal quietly, continuing to pre-occupy herself with all the events of  prior day. She couldn’t stop thinking about Johnny.

Soon, her Mama spoke. “Desire, how do you feel about Johnny?”

              Desire was dying to pour out her heart to her mother, but something inside of her told her to stay calm and reserved. She knew that if she revealed too much, her Mama might tell Papa and that would have disastrous effects, she knew.

              “Well Mama, he seems like a nice young man. He is very helpful and friendly.”

              Her mother looked at her for a long time and Desire thought she might burst trying to keep a straight face. Something deep inside of her told her to keep quiet. She just stared at her mother with wide green eyes, waiting for an answer. 

“Desire, young men Johnny’s age are often ready for a wife, and although you are of age to marry, you must be careful. The courting process may seem a little overwhelming at first, but it is meant to assure we find a good match for you. Part of finding a suitable husband is finding someone who you like to be with. Love comes later, after marriage and children. It is important in any solid marriage that you are capable of bearing children. I have learned the hard way what a strain that can be. As much as your Papa and I love you, there should have been many more after you. Bearing a son is the most important gift that a woman can give her husband. I have failed your Papa. But I am still capable of bearing children, so I pray every night that God will bless me with a son.”

              As mama said these things, Desire couldn’t help but think that her tone was very flat, like when someone recites from a book. Desire knew that the extra bedroom upstairs had been made up special for a son. It had been empty for a long time. She felt sorry for her Mama, always feeling like a failure for not producing a son.

              “Desire, if a woman is incapable of producing a son by a certain age, she is deemed useless in the community.”

              She wanted to ask her mother what she meant, but deep inside she knew the answer. No son, no reason to keep you around. Hemac was not as gentle a community as it seemed. There were harsh punishments and grave intolerances.

              Desire finished her breakfast in silence. She did the dishes and then left to go to Bible study. As she walked toward the church, she secretly hoped that she would run into Johnny. She did not, but she did see Tobias sitting on a bench beside the fountain in the centre of town. She walked over to him and sat down, knowing she was a little early for class.

              Tobias looked at her with an earnest face. “Hello Desire, how are you today?”

              “I am doing okay Tobias. No one was interested in my committee for the Celebration of the New Year and I cannot understand that.”

              Tobias shrugged his shoulders and said nothing. She couldn’t really understand this either. Usually Tobias had words of wisdom and comfort, but today he seemed a little sad.

              “What is wrong Tobias? Are you feeling okay today?”

He looked up at her. If she didn’t know better, she would say he looked surprised that she had noticed. “My old bones are just a little sore today my dear, I will be fine. I think a good walk around in the sunshine should loosen things up.” He steadied himself using the armrest on the bench and rose to his feet. He got his cane leaning against the bench and then bid her farewell.

              As he hobbled away slowly, Desire turned back toward the church and proceeded to Bible study. When she approached the church, she could see Constance and a few of the other girls sitting on the church steps. They were all chatting and giggling. When Desire approached them, they stopped talking abruptly.

              Desire mustered up her courage and acted like everything was normal. “Good morning! How are you all this morning?” She stood there waiting for them to respond to her. Constance, who usually faked being polite in public, gave her a look of contempt and then replied in a snotty voice, “Good morning to you, Desire. You must think you are pretty special now that you don’t have to walk around as the town freak. Your head must feel so much lighter without an ugly scarf atop it and your legs must feel so light without those ugly man shoes and heavy skirts.”

              Constance turned to the other girls standing around her and continued talking. “You know girls, sometimes there are things in life that are best left a mystery. I guess not all caterpillars turn into butterflies when they come out of their cocoons.” She turned and eyeballed Desire up and down and then sneered. She promptly got up and all the other girls started to follow.

             
What was wrong with Constance? Why was she being so cruel?

              Then she heard Constance utter to one of the other girls, “No wonder that creep Johnny likes her.” Constance disappeared into the church with her flock of sheep following her. She giggled to herself as she remembered Johnny calling them all sheep.

              One of the girls, Ruth stayed behind for a moment. Ruth was a little awkward. She wore glasses and was extremely tall for her age and painfully thin. She looked down at Desire and said, “I can tell you why she is being so hateful.”

              Desire looked at Ruth with questioning eyes.

“Desire, you are really naïve. Perhaps it’s because you don’t have any siblings to learn from.” She paused for a moment to look at the door of the church. “Constance is furious because she was not picked to lead any church committee and you are the first girl of our age to be chosen. She is also fuming because of the change in your appearance.” Desire looked down at herself and though she knew her appearance had changed dramatically recently, she couldn’t understand why this would make her hated.

              “Don’t you get it? You are the most beautiful girl in our community! All the girls are jealous of your beautiful hair, your green eyes and not to mention your porcelain-white skin. You are like a swan, Desire, and you don’t even realize it. Constance overheard some of the adults talking when she served dinner at a recent church meeting. All the parents of young men have you at the top of the list to court and possibly marry. And have you noticed how the boys always stare at you when you walk by? They don’t stare at the rest of us. Constance is simply envious. Despite always having the prettiest dresses and ribbons and the shiniest shoes, she is nothing special. If I were you, I would watch out for her. She may act prim and proper, but she has a real mean streak in her.”

              Ruth stopped and looked around again, perhaps regretting confiding in Desire. “I think a part of all of us are a little jealous of your curious and mischievous side. We all pretty much do what we are told to do and, frankly, that is pretty boring.”

              Desire thought about all that Ruth had said and then kind of felt a pang of sympathy for her. She felt sure that Constance was probably not much nicer to Ruth than she had just been to Desire, but probably kept her close as a follower. Desire knew what it was like to constantly be on the periphery, but she suspected that she could tolerate it a little better than Ruth.

              “Ruth, I could really use some help with the Fun and Games committee. Would you be interested in helping me to run them at the Celebration of the New Year?”

              Ruth looked at her and thought about it for a minute. She hesitated before answering, “I would like to, very much…but, ”. Ruth looked down at the ground and then back at the church door. Desire knew what the problem was. Although she was on the periphery of Constance’s group, befriending Desire would only ostracize her more.

“It’s okay, Ruth. I understand. You’d better get to Bible study. I won’t come in with you. I will follow in a couple of minutes.”

              Ruth nodded without looking directly at her and headed up the steps to the church door. When she got to the top, she turned around. “Thank you Desire. I wish I had a little more courage, like you do.”

              Desire thought that was a strange thing for Ruth to say. Desire had never thought of herself as courageous. Mostly she had thought of herself as impulsive and foolish for always getting into trouble when she knew better. She waited a couple minutes more and then went into the church.

              Desire entered the classroom in the basement used for Bible study and took a seat at the back of the room. The teacher today was Noah. He was not a church elder. He ran the staple store and today they were going to learn about how to stock a proper family home. The lesson was so boring. All of the girls were actively involved in running their parents’ households so they should know all of this.

              After two long hours, the lesson finally finished. Desire quickly left the classroom and headed outside. She was not in the mood to have further contact with any of the other girls. Although she had an afternoon of chores to complete, she didn’t rush. Mama was at the celebration hall with many of the other town ladies. Desire knew that Mama would eat lunch there with the ladies before then all began preparations for the Celebration.