Who Moved My Blackberry? (20 page)

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Phyllis Lukes

Dearest Mum

Sorry I didn't make it last night. I was involved in some grocery scheme at work (don't ask!!!) now looks like I won't see you till we're back.

I've just had a really odd e-mail from Katherine. Did you know about “Fiona”?? Why didn't you tell me?? It's all a bit of a shock, though I suppose fits in with the rest of her life.

Sorry this is so brief … you'll be proud to hear that I've won an award for my work/life balance!

Your loving son

Martie

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Jake—just seen your message. No you can't go to Reading pop festival. You are going on holiday with us. Frankly I don't care what Tarquin or anyone else is doing. I've spent an arm and a leg on this wakeboarding holiday and you are coming for the duration. I have hardly seen you this summer, and you are spending quality time with me whether you like it or not.

Dad

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

STRESS DIARY DAY 2

Sorry I haven't been keeping the diary properly. I've been totally up against it workwise.

The weird thing is that I'm finding the home section of my life very stressful at present. Jake is being impossible, threatening not to come on holiday. Jens is getting more difficult by the day. And just discovered that my sister is a dyke. Which explains a lot about her attitude to yours truly.

The only part of my life that is not stressful is golf. I played at the weekend. My bio dots stayed yellow throughout.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

Remember I told you about words that drain your energy? Dyke is one of those. It is a negative judgment on the core values of others. You should welcome your sister's life choices, which are as equally valid as your own.

Can I also suggest a different way of communicating with your son? Often we are in too much of a hurry to realize the impact our words have upon children. Instead of blurting out, “You're so clumsy!” or “Why can't you be quiet?”—remarks that can powerfully undermine a child's sense of self-worth—try using humor to break his or her pattern. For example, you could say, “If you continue on this track, I might start getting a smidge cranky,” with a smiling face.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

I'm not sure you understand. Jake's self-worth is if anything too high. Last time I tried the softy approach he asked if I was gay. Do you have any children yourself?

And on the subect of being gay, you get me wrong if you think I have any negative baggage on that score. Whatever turns you on!

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

BT Outstanding Individual Contribution to Work/Life Balance (Runner Up)

From:
Porky Perky

To:
Kinky Pinky

Darling Pinky

Hotel noisy, food ropey, and I'm already missing you horribly … I've tried wakeboarding with the boys, and I'm pleased to say I'm better than Max, but not as good as Jake. Though I've hardly seen him since the first day … he's found some gorgeous little French number. She looks 18, but turns out to be 13. Jake—like his father—turns out to have a penchant for the younger woman!!

love you, miss you … P xxx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

I'm afraid the dots have been dark purple or black solidly since arrival. Jens is working flat out on a paper on our Personal/Professional Integration policy, so I've been doing more childcare than ideal. In the same hotel is the head of global marketing at L'Oreal—who might have become a very useful contact, only Jake has ruined everything by shagging his 13 year old daughter.

Max has started beating me at tennis, and J is so angry about my flying off to Atlanta she has stopped talking to me.

And Christo sends me almost hourly e-mails telling me how brilliantly he is coping in my absence.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—Arrived safely in Augusta … Hope you all get back to London safely. E-mail me news on Jake's GCSEs.

Love you, M XXX

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Augusta is
UNBELIEVABLE
—the course exquisite, most manicured in the world! I'm staying in the Log Cabin—my room is right next door to BSM and the others are all in an annex. Cindy C is here too—strutting her stuff disgustingly. I didn't even realize she played golf—turns out she's a single handicap!!!!

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

CHRIST! Didn't that bloody school teach him ANYTHING? I've spent an arm and a leg on his eduction. And WHY the HELL did you phone the headmaster without consulting me? It is much better that these approaches come from me. I'll e-mail him now.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Headmaster@MillgateSchool

Dear Mr. Pitman

I understand that my son Jake has achieved only two Bs and two Cs at GCSE. I also understand that you spoke with my wife this morning and informed her that you would not be able to offer the lad a place in the 6th form.

I believe that the boy has considerable creovative™ talents, and his poor results do not reflect a lack of ability, but issues around concentration.

He has grown up a lot over this summer, and I anticipate that these issues are now in the past. Going forward I see Jake being a member of your school community who would excel in all areas.

I therefore believe it would be in the interests not just of my son, but of the school, for the lad to be given a place in the 6th form.

I am currently in the US, at a top level meeting with our CEO. However I would be happy to meet with you on my return to discuss how we progress this.

Yours sincerely

Martin Lukes

Marketing Director

a-b glöbâl uk

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Hi Graham—How goes it?

Yours truly has just played the game of a lifetime. The 12th hole is unbelievably tricky—and I got a birdie! And as if that wasn't enough, Cindy totally screwed up Amen Corner—topped the tee shot on the 12th and then sliced her second on the 13th into the trees!!! BSM obviously impressed—put his arm around my shoulders practically crushing me to death and said: “I just love this guy.” You should have seen the look Keith gave me. I think we've got it wrong about Barry. He's tough when he has to be but he's actually very sincere and has even got a wicked sense of humor!

Janine—that Fortune journalist—was there too. She's rather sexy in that scrawny American way. She's working on another article—in which yours truly may figure!

Mart

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Jens—

Pitman isn't playing ball and had the cheek to suggest that the reason Jake didn't do better in his GCSEs is that he doesn't have the support at home. I said that I didn't pay £13,000 a year to educate him myself. Everything great here. It was definitely a good call to come. Sat next to BSM in his private plane on the way back to Atlanta, had a fascinating chat about a-b glöbâl, the world, the universe, everything. I never realized what a really nice guy he is …

He's definitely got some big job in mind for me—not UK chairman at all, but something bigger here in Atlanta. Possibly Keith's job, which explains why Keith has been so short with me.

It'd be brilliant for the whole family to move here. It'd solve Jake's schooling issue. Max would come to visit us for the hols, and I'm sure you could always do something in the HQ press office. Whaddya think?

Love you, M XX

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Your Porky is on his way home!!! Am coming straight in off the red-eye tomorrow. Can you book the Novotel for tomorrow pm? Corporal salutes you etc.

Perky xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Barry Malone

Hi Barry, just to say the last few days have been a ball for me! I am now back in London incredibly energized and am already setting up a scheme to roll out our blueprint for personal and organization consciousness across the UK company. Will keep you in the loop!

Cheers, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Directors

I have just spent a fascinating four days with our CEO and would like to debrief you on the essence of the many conversations we shared. Top of Barry's mind right now is the issue of how to drive value creation in 21C while unleashing our spiritual mission. I have attached a memo outlining our thinking and would be happy to discuss how we make it actionable.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Oh Jesus. That's all we need. Has his passport gone too? I bet the randy little sod has gone off in search of Solange. Perhaps you'd better e-mail her father. On second thoughts, I'll do it. It'll look better coming from me, and my French is better than yours. M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Thelma Dowd

Have you got a French dictionary to hand?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jean-MichelBon@loreal

Salut Jean-Michel!

J'espere que vous etes en bon sante. Si vous avez aucunes questions sur les “marketing breakthroughs” n'hesitez pas de demander a moi! Je suis tourjous heureux de vous aider. J'ai un petit question pour vous. Avez vous aucune idee ou est mon fils? Il est disparu, et ma femme et moi-meme sont un peu inquietes. A-t-il dit quelquechose a Solange?

Mille mille mercis, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Just got an answer (in JM's pathetic English) saying he's absolutely no idea about Jake's whereabouts, and that Solange is forbidden from having any contact with him. M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Well at least he's safe. Where did he get the money from??

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

JAKE—I AM BEYOND ANGRY. YOU HAVE STOLEN MONEY, DISOBEYED ORDERS AND CAUSED YOUR MOTHER AND MYSELF SERIOUS WORRY. YOU ARE GROUNDED AND YOUR ALLOWANCE IS STOPPED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

YOU MAY BE INTERESTED TO KNOW THAT AS A RESULT OF YOUR PATHETIC EXAM RESULTS YOUR SCHOOL DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK. YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER FACES A BRILLIANT FUTURE AT ETON.

YOU WILL DO WELL TO GET INTO TOOTING SIXTH FORM COLLEGE. I HAVE FOUGHT FOR YOU UNTIL NOW, BUT NOW FRANKLY YOU'VE GOT WHAT YOU DESERVE.

DAD

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora

It's been a very odd month. Some humungous wins, and some challenges. Basically I believe that I am now better placed than at any point in my career to date—I think a huge job is in the offing for me. Not Roger's job, but something bigger.

My stress levels have been high, but I've reached the conclusion that I am the kind of guy who likes stress. It just isn't a stressor for me.

We have had issues at home, but I think we have come through them and learned something along the way! I feel I have shared some of my experience with Jake and that he will grow from it going forward.

A reflection, if you will. Golf is the perfect form of work/life balance. It is half work and half life, and very balanced.

At the end of the day, I don't think your bio dots have anything to bring to the party. I am going to give them to Jens so that she can monitor her anger going forward.

22.5 percent better than my bestest

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin!

This month we are going to peep onto the other half of your personal balance sheet and meditate on the areas that could be holding you back.

I would like today to contact some of the people who know you really well, and ask them where they think your less strong stengths lie. Then we'll have a baseline, and can move forward from there.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

Hi Pandora