Who Am I Without Him? (2 page)
Dec. 8
Dear Diary:
We have been writing letters for over one month now. With every letter I write, I get braver. I ask Jaquel questions about the girl in Chicago. He asks me stuff too, like if I had a boyfriend, would I take money from him? If I had a boyfriend, would I tell him I would only go to the junior firemen's ball with him if he bought my gown, paid for my hair, and sent me a ticket to come? Here I am, liking this boy, wanting nothing from him but to be sweet to him, and him be sweet to me in return (and that don't mean buy me lots of stuff), and who does he want? Not me, but her: Chicago, money-pit girl.
Dec. 12
Dear Diary:
Dominique gave us two weeks off, 'cause the boys are complaining about all the writing we do. She made us read some of our letters to one another though. Dominique loves reading letters, and writing them to people. And she wants us to feel that way too. “You can hide behind a computer keyboard or text-message,” she said one day, “but the hand that writes with pencil or pen, always wins hearts, friendship, and love in the end.”
While she was teaching, Jaquel handed me a note. I laughed out loud when I got it. It wasn't all that funny, but I was just so happy he wrote to me, just 'cause he wanted to. And before I thought about it I wrote a note to him, saying he should dump that girl in Chicago and take me to the junior firemen's ball. He looked at me like he couldn't figure out if I was fibbing or not. Don't he know I'm the one for him? Can't he see I like him, and I would never do him wrong? I wanna tell him that, Diary, but, well, you can't tell a boy nothing like that. It would give 'em a big head and still they may not want you. When is he gonna like me the way I like him? Soon, I hope.
Jan. 23
Dear Jaquel,
What was up with you coming to my table and
sitting with me and my girls at lunchtime?I was hungry.
Oh. It was nice having someone different at our table.
Hey Devita Mae:
You bring all that food every day?Jaquel, I like to eat. And I don't want to eat the same thing all the timeâpizza, fries, cold hamburgers. So I get up early and do my stuff rightâham sandwiches, potato salad, cheese steaks . . . sometimes my mom drops stuff off.
Girl, you did that sweet potato pie up right the other day. Didn't know you could cook like that. Made me skip health class three times this week, just to get me some more good eats.
You let me know what you like, and I will hook you up.
I like a lot of things. Sweet things, mostly.
I see.
Do you?
Yeah.
You sure?
I'm sure.
All right, then.
Feb. 7
Dear Devita Mae:
This is personal. Don't go telling your girls.
Well . . . forget it. Girls talk too much.Jaquel:
I would never tell something you wanted kept
secret.Forget it. I was joking anyhow.
Dear Jaquel:
My girls were teasing me yesterday. Saying me and you should be together 'cause of the way you look at me, and how you wiped the mayonnaise off my bottom lip with your finger at lunch. Not even caring if I had germs or not.Tell your friends to mind their business.
Jaquel:
You still with that girl?She is hot, so yeah, I am still with her.
Dear Jaquel:
Why would you want an out-of-town girl? Why
not one right here?Maybe I do have one right here, Devita Mae. Maybe I got two girls, six. When you cute like me, chicks be giving you their numbers all the time.
You are stupid. Insensitive, too. Don't write me no more today.
Feb. 8
Dear Diary:
Today I got on the phone and called Jaquel. I got his phone number from his friend. Him and me talked for half an hour. It woulda been longer but a book I read said a woman should always get off the phone first when she is just trying to get to know a man. My mother gave me the book. She said me chasing Jaquel wasn't making him mine no faster, so maybe I needed to do something different. Now the book didn't say to call a boy first. In fact, it said never call first. It gives him a big head. But, well, once I got the number I had to use it, right? But I did good, I think. I got off when I wanted to keep talking. That's something.
Feb. 20
Dear Diary:
Jaquel dumped his girlfriend. Not for me though. He did it 'cause she was always out when he called, and she never phoned him back. I am glad she is gone. Now he will need a junior firemen's ball date. Guess who that's gonna be? Meeeeeee!
Feb. 28
Dear Diary:
I figured something out. Every night I talk to Jaquel, only I call him. He never calls me. So this week, I waited for him to hit me up first. It was hard, 'cause I kept picking up the phone, wanting to make that call. My mother kept saying that boys don't like easy. “Make him work to get you. Act like you don't care.” That's how she got my dad, she said. So I am here waiting for that boy to miss me. But I'm thinking, missing me might take him a really long time.
March 11
Hey, Devita Mae.
Your phone broke? You can't call a dude? I
started to call you last night. But, well,
something good came on TV and I watched it.
Then my girlfriend called and, well, anyhow,
I almost called you.You stupid, Jaquel?
Why do I want to hear about her? Why were you gonna call me in the first place? To talk about her? Do me a favor. Do not mention her name to me. Do not mention that you have a girl, period!Devita Mae:
Is it that time of the month? I bet it is.
Otherwise, why you going off on me for no
good reason? I don't get you sometimes.Listen. I am your writing partner, that's it. So don't be asking me about my perfume or talking about me in the boys' room or staring at my eyes. And you know what? I heard Chicago dumped you anyhow.
D:
Don't think we turning this part in to Dominique, 'cause we ain't. Anyhow, you were the one calling me, remember? And check this outâI don't get dumped. I dump. I got it like that.Jâ
You take the book and keep it since you want
to be like that.
Mar. 20
Devita Mae:
You are immature, not writing me like you supposed to and not talking to me when I step up to you in the hall, at lunch or in class. I ain't worried. If I was, I woulda wrote you before now. But what did I do? Played games on my cell. I'm just writing you because Dominique told me she'd take my cell if I didn't do what I'm supposed to. Hey. My cousin is coming home. He's on leave. Gonna get married. I'm thinking, would he do that if he wasn't in a war getting shot at? My mom asked me a stupid question last week. “That girl you write to in class. When you gonna bring her home for me to meet?” My mom likes to get in my business, so I ain't answer her.
Mar. 28
Devita Mae:
You better stop playing around, girl, 'cause you about to not have no partner at all. And why ain't you call me back when I called your place? Your dad answered the phone. Didn't he tell you? And tell him for me, that the next time I call, don't ask me all them questions. It makes me not want to ring you up no more.
April 4
All right, girl:
You think I'm gonna beg you. Forget it. I
got me a new partner. Sharinda. She's ready
to step in and take your spot, come Monday.
You know what that means? You got four
days to get yourself straight. After that:
forget you.
April 8
Hey, Jaquel. My dad is like that. If a boy calls my house, he tells them they gonna get shot if they don't leave me like they found me when they first met me. He didn't tell you that, so maybe you sound like you can be trusted. Thanks for calling. I liked talking to you. So your mom is still asking you to bring me over? I'll go. But I understand why you don't want me to come. And I understand why you would be mad that she hangs up on that Chicago girl and talks bad about her. It seems to me, you can do better. But I ain't no boy. And I ain't you, so, well, thanks anyhow for inviting me to come, even though you ain't sure you want me to. I think I will say no, though. Too many things to do.
April 10
Dear Jaquel:
I saw a show the other day. A man wrote love letters to a woman in another country for two years without getting one back. He didn't know if she was alive or dead. But he kept writing. I never got a love letter before. Girls like those.Dear Devita Mae:
Y u telling me this? I ain't your boyfriend. Get him to write you a love letter. Bad enough I have to write u at all. Well not u, but bad enough I have to do this assignment. I hate this. Guys hate to write.Dear Jaquelâ
You suck!Do you always have to have your way, Devita Mae? I would never write a love letter to a girl. But if I ever did, I would have to tell her to burn them after she read them. Boys don't want things like that getting around.
Dear Jaquelâ
That's romantic. Get a love note. Read it.
Memorize it. Burn it. Save the ashes.Why would u wanna save dust?
Dear Jâ
What kind of paper would you write a love
letter on?Dear DM:
I wouldn't write a love letter. But if I did,
I'd use what I hadâpaper bags, notebook
paper, whatever.I want mine on pretty paper with roses on it, or pastel blue paper that smells like flowers.
See there, Devita Mae!
That's why boys don't do stuff like that! Bad enough y'all want us to write to you. Then it's gotta be on good paper. Then the paper's gotta smell sweetâforget it. No love letters!
April 15
Dear Diary:
Guess what? Chicago is history. She got dumped. Well, first Jaquel's mom got on the phone and said her son wasn't sending her money for nothing, so she should stop asking. I asked Jaquel how his mother knew stuff about him and Chicago. He said him and her talk a lot. I like that. A boy who is close to his mom will do right by you every time. Anyhow, that same night he dumped her, he called me. All he did was talk to me about her. I ain't care. See, the way I figure it, one day he's gonna stop talking her up and then he'll see I'm the one for him.
April 22
Dear Diary:
Jaquel's mother came to class. He forgot money for his SAT test and today was the last day to turn it in. She embarrassed him, too. She walked right up to Dominique and asked to meet Jaquel's partner. We weren't even doing letters then, so I wasn't sitting by him. I raised my hand when she said my name. “I just wanna invite you to dinner,” she said. Nobody else heard. Jaquel turned red, even though he didn't know what she said. I told him later on. He just shook his head. But he didn't tell me not to come. So I came three days later. I never saw anything like it. The tablecloth was thick and white. The candles were long and pink, and they matched the flowers on the plates and the water glasses with the long, skinny stems. I sat in between Jaquel and his little sister, Janice. All the time I was chewing the chicken and swallowing the pink lemonade I was thinking, this is gonna be me when I grow upâme, Jaquel, and our seven babies.
April 25
Hey, Devita Mae.
Y are you mad? Did I say you was my girlfriend? Did I invite you to dinner that day?
No. My mother invited you. I told you I liked
the girl in Chicago. We break up all the time.
That's just how it is. Now we're together.
Stuff happens.Jaquelâ
This assignment is almost over. When it's done,
don't talk to me. And you know what? I hope
that Chicago girl hurts your feelings real bad.
Just like you hurt mine.Dâ
I'm sorry. Some girls just get under your skin.Jaquelâ
I bet that Chicago girl is like the girl on the bus who kissed the boy she didn't even know. Bet she is kissing some boy right now, and you're here waiting for her to call you on your cell or go to that ball with you. Boys get just what they deserve, 'cause when you are mean and stupid, why shouldn't bad things happen to you?
April 29
Jaquel:
I talked to Dominique. I told her we didn't have no more stuff to write about. She said we can finish up early, and do silent reading till this is over next week. That works for me.Devita Mae Calloway:
Why can't girls keep their emotions out of stuff? We don't have to write about you and me. We can write about other things like that new movie that just opened up.Jâ
I thought you didn't like to write. So quit writing me. This is my last letter to you. And while I'm writing it, let me tell you a few things. I am an A student. I am on the softball and tennis teams, in case you didn't know. I am cute and I can have any boy I like, but I like you. Only, you know something? I ain't always gonna like you, so you better figure this thing out quick. I'm giving you one last chance to choose me.Devita Maeâ
You can't bum-rush no dude. I got me a girl.
You just my friend. And if you don't wanna be
my friend, oh well.Jâ
Oh well! Don't write me no more. Don't call me no more. Don't speak to me in class. Don't come crying to me when Chicago drops you like a pack of crackers crawling with ants.
May 15
Dear Diary:
Dominique says she is collecting our letters and diaries in two weeks. You know what that means? I will have to start a new diary. That's the one I will turn in, not this one. Dominique don't have to know all my business. Besides, I don't want nobody reading my thoughts on Jaquel. He and me still ain't speaking.
May 31
Dear Diaryâ
Guess what? Jaquel's mother called me. Well, that's not what really happened. I saw her in the store. She came over to me and asked me to come to dinner again. I said no. That's all I said. It was she who said she was glad Chicago was out of the picture and that she always liked me best. Then she asked how come I never call their house. I told her I was not chasing Jaquel no more. She winked. Said that was good. “Sometimes a girl needs to step back and let a boy see what he's missing.”
