Whiter Shades of Pale (16 page)
Products Made by People Named Tom
A product named after a single person is very comforting to white people. Burt’s Bees and Newman’s Own are just two examples of how white people like to believe that they are buying their beauty products and salad dressing from a real person and not a corporation. Of course, in many cases they actually are buying these products from a big corporation, but it’s best not to point that out. It could ruin their enjoyment of an eighteen-dollar shampoo.
But of all the names that are popular with white people, nobody seems to make a better product than a man named Tom. The first popular white Tom is the man behind Tom’s of Maine, a company that produces a full line of all-natural products that don’t work. If you’re ever stuck behind a white person on a humid day and the body odor is overwhelming, don’t think the white person is a victim of poor grooming. Well, unless they have dreadlocks—then, yes, they are guilty of poor grooming. But more likely they have just made the false assumption that an all-natural deodorant and antiperspirant will work. Or even worse, they’ve been tricked into thinking that a crystal will somehow stop them from smelling when they sweat. Yes, you did read that correctly: virtually every white person has tried and regretted using a deodorant made out of a crystal. This is not a joke.
The other famous Tom for white people is the one who created TOMS Shoes. These canvas shoes are all natural and are sold in Whole Foods. Every time you buy a pair of shoes they donate a pair to a child in need in the third world. Of course, instead of buying a pair of shoes a white person could just donate the money they were going to use on shoes to the TOMS charity and let
two
people in the third world get
new shoes. But that’s not a realistic possibility, not with summer right around the corner.
If you ever want to completely blow the mind of a white person who owns an old pair of TOMS, simply follow these directions. Step one: Purchase a pair for yourself, the rattier-looking the better. Step two: Ask the white person where they got their shoes. It is a known fact that it is impossible for white people to not tell you the charitable story behind their purchases. When they get to the part of the story where they say that TOMS gives a pair to a child in the third world, simply lift up your pant legs to reveal your shoes and say, “I know … thank you, Jacob.”
WARNING:
The white person will try to hug you after this.
Roller Derby
If you meet a white girl with black hair, tattoos, and a passion for horror films, there is a 100 percent chance that she plays in some sort of Roller Derby league. The sport reached its height of popularity in the seventies, thus all but guaranteeing that white people would eventually resurrect it in a fit of nostalgia and irony. But the sport draws in white people for many other reasons, including funny costumes and the opportunity for women to compete under clever pseudonyms like Arianna Puffington and Sarah Nailin’.
Once a league forms, schedules are made, websites are put up, venues are booked, and tickets are sold. In all, it’s a
testament to the incredible work ethic that white people have when it comes to a whimsical activity.
Should you choose to attend an event, you will be shocked at the sheer volume of mustaches and black rock-and-roll T-shirts, and the complete lack of anyone with a full-time job. When the activities start, the women will start skating around in a circle. There are rules and points and strategies, but at most Roller Derby matches the only people who seem to be aware of them are the people playing.
If you know someone who plays on a Roller Derby team, you should treat them like a white person who does improv. Encourage them in their efforts, but make it clear that you will not pay money to watch their hobby.
Stuff White People Think
You
Like
African Americans
- Soul food
- African art
- Tyler Perry
- Hip-hop
- Toni Morrison
- White people who are marginally familiar with anything on this list
- Slam poetry
- Your grandmother
- Spike Lee
- The Democratic Party
Asian Americans
- John Woo
- White spouses
- Math
- Asian food (regardless of ethnicity; e.g., “You’re Korean; you must love Chinese food”)
- Margaret Cho
- White people who ate tripe once at a dim sum place
- Anyone named Murakami
- Buddhism
- Classical music
- Dance Dance Revolution
Native Americans
*
- Nature
- Wolves
- White people apologizing
- People who are one-sixteenth Native American
- That Rage Against the Machine video; you know the one
- Turquoise jewelry
- Dream catchers
- Using every part of the animal
- Lacrosse
- Stories about Andrew Jackson being a dick
Indian Americans
- Slumdog Millionaire
- Aziz Ansari
- That Jay-Z song with Panjabi MC
- Engineering
- Vegetarians
- Cricket
- Dr. Sanjay Gupta
- Gandhi
- White people who are thinking about taking a trip to India
- Spices
Latinos
- Jesus
- Mariachi bands
- White people who took Spanish in high school
- Immigration reform
- Che Guevara
- Y Tu Mamá También
- Soccer
- Gotan Project
- One Hundred Years of Solitude
- Buena Vista Social Club
*
White people, on average, have met one actual Native American in their lifetime.
Santa Fe, New Mexico
- Overview
Santa Fe is known around the world for having some of the toughest building requirements of any city. Everything must be made in accordance with Santa Fe style. White people who live here usually focus on their spirituality, which is some sort of mix between Buddhism, Native American wisdom, and a strange worship of crystals. Though little is known about this religion, one requirement seems to be the purchase of an inordinate amount of pottery and furniture made from logs. - Strengths
Learning Annex courses have taught them to make Native American pottery. - Weaknesses
Will try to give you the pottery as a “gift.” - Secret Shame
Once coveted a non-adobe home.
Dyed black to help highlight 1/64 Navajo (according to 23andMe), but does not like to be reminded that 63/64 of her heritage is responsible for the death of the remainder.
Sweater provides spiritual connection to “the land.”
Cold after holding protest sign in front of planned development that didn’t conform to Sante Fe style.
