Whiteout (13 page)

“She qualified for Wimbledon, but never competed because she got pregnant with Olga.”

Across the hall, also overlooking the sea, was a drawing room with a Christmas tree. The gifts under the tree spilled across the floor. There was another picture of Marta, a full-length painting of her as a woman of forty, with a fuller figure and a softness around her jawline. It was a
warm, pleasant room, but nobody was in it, and Toni guessed the real heart of the house was the kitchen.

The layout was simple: drawing room and dining room at the front, kitchen and study at the back. “There's not much to see upstairs,” Stanley said, but he went up anyway, and Toni followed. Was she being shown around her future home? she asked herself. It was a stupid fantasy, and she pushed it aside quickly. He was just being nice.

But he had hugged her.

In the older part of the house, over the study and drawing room, were three small bedrooms and a bathroom. They still bore traces of the children who had grown up in them. There was a poster of the Clash on one wall, an old cricket bat with its grip unraveling in a corner, a complete set of
The Chronicles of Narnia
on a shelf.

In the new extension was a master bedroom suite with a dressing room and a bathroom. The king-size bed was made and the rooms were tidy. Toni felt both excited and uncomfortable to be in Stanley's bedroom. Yet another picture of Marta stood on the bedside table, this one a color photograph taken in her fifties. Her hair was a witchy gray and her face was thin, no doubt by reason of the cancer that had killed her. It was an unflattering photo. Toni thought how much Stanley must still love her, to cherish even this unhappy memento.

She did not know what to expect next. Would he make a move, with his wife watching from the bedside table and his children downstairs? She felt it was not his style. He might be thinking of it, but he would not jump a woman so suddenly. He would feel that etiquette demanded he woo her in the normal way. To hell with dinner and a movie, she wanted to say; just grab me, for God's sake. But she kept silent, and after showing her the marble bathroom, he led the way back downstairs.

The tour was a privilege, of course, and should have drawn her closer to Stanley; but in fact she felt excluded, as if she had looked in through a window at a family sitting at table, absorbed in one another and self-sufficient. She felt a sense of anticlimax.

In the hall, the big poodle nudged Stanley with her nose. “Nellie
wants to go outside,” he said. He looked out of the little window beside the door. “The snow has stopped—shall we get a breath of air?”

“Sure.”

Toni put on her parka and Stanley picked up an old blue anorak. They stepped outside to find the world painted white. Toni's Porsche Boxster stood beside Stanley's Ferrari F50 and two other cars, each topped with snow, like iced cakes. The dog headed for the cliff, evidently taking a habitual route. Stanley and Toni followed. Toni realized that the dog bore a distinct resemblance to the late Marta, with her curly black hair.

Their feet displaced the powdery snow to reveal tough seaside grass beneath. They crossed a long lawn. A few stunted trees grew at angles, blown slantwise by the tireless wind. They met two of the children coming back from the cliff: the older boy with the attractive grin and the sulky girl with the pierced navel. Toni remembered their names: Craig and Sophie. When Stanley had introduced everyone, in the kitchen, she had memorized every detail eagerly. Craig was working hard to charm Sophie, Toni could see, but the girl walked along with her arms crossed, looking at the ground. Toni envied the simplicity of the choices they faced. They were young and single, at the beginning of adulthood, with nothing to do but embrace the adventure of life. She wanted to tell Sophie not to play hard to get. Take love while you can, she thought; it may not always come to you so easily.

“What are your Christmas plans?” Stanley asked.

“About as different from yours as could be. I'm going to a health spa with some friends, all singles or childless couples, for a grown-up Christmas. No turkey, no crackers, no stockings, no Santa. Just gentle pampering and adult conversation.”

“It sounds wonderful. I thought you usually had your mother.”

“I have done for the past few years. But this Christmas my sister Bella is taking her—somewhat to my surprise.”

“Surprise?”

Toni made a wry face. “Bella has three children, and she feels that excuses her from other responsibilities. I'm not sure that's fair, but I love my sister, so I accept it.”

“Do you want to have children, one day?”

She caught her breath. It was a deeply intimate question. She wondered what answer he would prefer to hear. She did not know, so she told the truth. “Maybe. It was the one thing my sister always wanted. The desire for babies dominated her life. I'm not like that. I envy you your family—they obviously love and respect you and like being with you. But I don't necessarily want to sacrifice everything else in life in order to become a parent.”

“I'm not sure you have to sacrifice everything,” Stanley said.

You didn't, Toni thought, but what about Marta's chance at Wimbledon? But she said something else. “And you? You could start another family.”

“Oh, no,” he said quickly. “My children would be most put out.”

Toni felt a little disappointed that he was so decisive about that.

They reached the cliff. To the left, the headland sloped down to a beach, now carpeted with snow. To the right, the ground dropped sheer into the sea. On that side, the edge was barred by a stout wooden fence four feet high, big enough to deter small children without obstructing the view. They both leaned on the fence and looked at the waves a hundred feet below. There was a long, deep swell, rising and falling like the chest of a sleeping giant. “What a lovely spot,” Toni said.

“Four hours ago I thought I was going to lose it.”

“Your home?”

He nodded. “I had to pledge the place as security for my overdraft. If I go bust, the bank takes the house.”

“But your family . . .”

“They would be heartbroken. And now, since Marta went, they're all I really care about.”

“All?” she said.

He shrugged. “In the end, yes.”

She looked at him. His expression was serious but unsentimental. Why was he telling her this? As a message, Toni assumed. It was not true that his children were all he cared about—he was profoundly involved in his work. But he wanted her to understand how important the family's
unity was to him. Having seen them together in the kitchen, she could understand it. But why had he chosen this moment to say so? Perhaps he was afraid he might have given her a wrong impression.

She needed to know the truth. An awful lot had happened in the last few hours, but all of it was ambiguous. He had touched her, hugged her, shown her his house, and asked her if she wanted children. Did it mean anything, or not? She had to know. She said, “You're telling me you'd never do anything to jeopardize what I saw in your kitchen, the togetherness of your family.”

“Yes. They all draw their strength from it, whether they realize it or not.”

She faced him and looked directly into his eyes. “And that's so important to you that you would never start another family.”

“Yes.”

The message was clear, Toni thought. He liked her, but he was not going to take it any farther. The hug in the study had been a spontaneous expression of triumph; the tour of the house an unguarded moment of intimacy; and now he was pulling back. Reason had prevailed. She felt tears come to her eyes. Horrified that she might be showing her emotions, she turned away, saying, “This wind . . .”

She was saved by young Tom, who came running through the snow, calling, “Grandpa! Grandpa! Uncle Kit's here!”

They went with the boy back to the house, not speaking, both embarrassed.

A fresh double row of tire tracks led to a black Peugeot coupe. It was not much of a car, but it looked stylish—just right for Kit, Toni thought sourly. She did not want to meet him. She would not have relished the prospect at the best of times, and right now she was too bruised to face an abrasive encounter. But her shoulder bag was in the house, so she was obliged to follow Stanley inside.

Kit was in the kitchen, being welcomed by his family—like the prodigal son, Toni thought. Miranda hugged him, Olga kissed him, Luke and Lori beamed, and Nellie barked for his attention. Toni stood at the kitchen door and watched Stanley greet his son. Kit looked wary. Stanley
seemed both pleased and grieved, in the way he did when he spoke of Marta. Kit held out a hand to shake, but his father embraced him. “I'm very glad you came, my boy,” Stanley said. “Very glad indeed.”

Kit said, “I'd better get my bag from the car. I'm in the cottage, yeah?”

Miranda looked nervous and said, “No, you're upstairs.”

“But—”

Olga overrode him. “Don't make a fuss—Daddy has decided, and it's his house.”

Toni saw a flash of pure rage in Kit's eyes, but he covered up quickly. “Whatever,” he said. He was trying to give the impression that it was no big deal, but that flash said otherwise, and Toni wondered what secret project he had that made him so keen to sleep outside the main house tonight.

She slipped into Stanley's study. The memory of that hug came back to her in force. That was the closest she was going to get to making love to him, she thought. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

Her notebook and bag lay on his antique desk where she had left them. She slid the notebook into the bag, slung the bag over her shoulder, and returned to the hall.

Looking into the kitchen, she saw Stanley saying something to the cook. She waved to him. He interrupted his conversation and came over. “Toni, thanks for everything.”

“Happy Christmas.”

“To you, too.” She went out quickly.

Kit was outside, opening the boot of his car. Glancing into it, Toni saw a couple of gray boxes, computer equipment of some kind. Kit was an IT specialist, but what did he need to bring with him for Christmas at his father's house?

She hoped to pass him without speaking but, as she was opening her car door, he looked up and caught her eye. “Happy Christmas, Kit,” she said politely.

He lifted a small suitcase from the boot and slammed the lid. “Get lost, bitch,” he said, and he walked into the house.

CRAIG was thrilled to see Sophie again. He had been captivated by her at his mother's birthday party. She was pretty in a dark-eyed, dark-haired way and, although she was small and slight, her body was softly rounded—but it was not her looks that had bewitched him, it was her attitude. She did not give a damn, and that fascinated him. Nothing impressed her: not Grandpa's Ferrari F50, nor Craig's football skills—he played for Scotland in the under-sixteens—nor the fact that his mother was a QC. Sophie wore what she liked, she ignored “No Smoking” signs, and if someone was boring her, she would walk away in mid-sentence. At the party, she had been fighting with her father about getting her navel pierced—which he flatly forbade—and here she was with a stud in it.

It made her difficult to get on with. Showing her around Steepfall, Craig found that nothing pleased her. It seemed that silence was as near as she got to praise. Otherwise, she would utter an abbreviated put-down: “Gross,” or “Dumb,” or “So weird.” But she did not walk away, so he knew he was not boring her.

He took her to the barn. It was the oldest building on the property, built in the eighteenth century. Grandpa had put in heating, lighting, and plumbing, but you could still see the original timber framing. The ground floor was a playroom with a billiards table, a bar football game, and a big TV. “This is an okay place to hang out,” he said.

“Quite cool,” she said—the most enthusiasm she had yet shown. She pointed to a raised platform. “What's that?”

“A stage.”

“Why do you need a stage?”

“My mother and Aunt Miranda used to do plays when they were girls. They once produced
Antony and Cleopatra
with a cast of four in this barn.”

“Strange.”

Craig pointed to two camp beds. “Tom and I are sleeping here,” he said. “Come upstairs, I'll show you your bedroom.”

A ladder led to the hayloft. There was no wall, just a handrail for safety. Two single beds were neatly made up. The only furniture was a coat rail for hanging clothes and a cheval mirror. Caroline's suitcase was on the floor, open.

“It's not very private,” Sophie said.

Craig had noticed that. The sleeping arrangements seemed to him to be full of promise. His older sister, Caroline, and his young cousin, Tom, would be around, of course, but nevertheless he was enjoying a vague but exciting feeling that all kinds of things might happen. “Here.” He unfolded an old concertina screen. “You can undress behind this if you're shy.”

Her dark eyes sparked resentment. “I'm not
shy,
” she said, as if the suggestion were insulting.

He found her flash of anger strangely thrilling. “Just asking,” he said. He sat on one of the beds. “It's quite comfortable—better than our camp beds.”

She shrugged.

In his fantasy, she would now sit on the bed beside him. In one version, she pushed him backwards, pretending to fight with him, and having started out wrestling they ended up kissing. In another scenario, she would take his hand and tell him how much his friendship meant to her, and then she would kiss him. But now, in real life, she was neither playful nor sentimental. She turned away and looked around the bare hayloft with an expression of distaste, and he knew that kissing was not on her mind. She sang quietly: “I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas.”

“The bathroom's underneath here, at the back of the stage. There's no bath, but the shower works all right.”

“How luxurious.” She got up from the bed and went down the ladder, still singing her obscene adaptation of Bing Crosby's Christmas classic.

Well, he thought, we've only been here a couple of hours, and I've got five whole days to win her around.

He followed her down. There was one more thing that might get her excited. “I've got something else to show you.” He led the way outside.

They stepped into a big square yard with one building on each of its four sides: the main house, the guest cottage, the barn they had just left, and the three-car garage. Craig led Sophie around the house to the front door, avoiding the kitchen, where they might be given chores. When they stepped inside, he saw that there were snowflakes caught in her gleaming dark hair. He stopped and stared, transfixed.

She said, “What?”

“Snow in your hair,” he said. “It looks beautiful.”

She shook her head impatiently, and the flakes disappeared. “You're bizarre,” she said.

Okay, he thought, so you don't like compliments.

He led her up the stairs. In the old part of the house were three small bedrooms and an old-fashioned bathroom. Grandpa's suite was in the new extension. Craig tapped on the door, in case Grandpa was inside. There was no reply, and he went in.

He walked quickly through the bedroom, past the big double bed, into the dressing room beyond. He opened a closet door and pushed aside a row of suits, pinstripes and tweeds and checks, mostly gray and blue. He got down on his knees, reached into the closet, and shoved at the back wall. A panel two feet square swung open on a hinge. Craig crawled through it.

Sophie followed.

Craig reached back through the gap, pulled the closet door shut, then closed the panel. Fumbling in the dark, he found a switch and turned on the light, a single unshaded bulb hanging from a roof beam.

They were in an attic. There was a big old sofa with stuffing bursting
out of holes in the upholstery. Beside it a stack of moldering photograph albums stood on the floorboards. There were several cardboard boxes and tea chests, which Craig had found, on earlier visits, to contain his mother's school reports, novels by Enid Blyton inscribed in a childish hand “This book belongs to Miranda Oxenford age 9
¹
⁄2,” and a collection of ugly ashtrays, bowls, and vases that must have been either unwanted gifts or ill-judged purchases. Sophie ran her fingers over the strings of a dusty guitar: it was out of tune.

“You can smoke up here,” Craig said. Empty cigarette packets of forgotten brands—Woodbines, Players, Senior Service—made him think this might have been where his mother began her addiction. There were also wrappers from chocolate bars: perhaps plump Aunt Miranda was responsible for those. And he presumed Uncle Kit had amassed the collection of magazines with titles such as
Men Only, Panty Play,
and
Barely Legal.

Craig hoped Sophie would not notice the magazines, but they caught her eye immediately. She picked one up. “Wow, get this, porn!” she said, suddenly more animated than she had been all morning. She sat on the sofa and began to leaf through it.

Craig looked away. He had been through all the magazines, though he was ready to deny it. Porn was a boy thing, and strictly private. But Sophie was reading
Hustler
right in front of him, scrutinizing the pages as if she had to take an exam on it.

To distract her, he said, “This whole part of the house used to be the dairy, when the place was a farm. Grandpa turned the dairy into the kitchen, but the roof was too high, so he just put a ceiling in and used this space for storage.”

She did not even look up from the magazine. “Every one of these women is shaved!” she said, embarrassing him further. “So creepy.”

“You can see into the kitchen,” he persisted. “Over here, where the flue from the Aga comes up through the ceiling.” He lay flat and looked through a wide gap between the boards and a metal shaft. He could see the entire kitchen: the hall door at the far end, the long scrubbed-pine
table, the cupboards on both sides, the side doors into the dining room and the laundry, the cooking range at this end, and two doors on either side of the range, one leading to a big walk-in larder and the other leading to the boot lobby and the side entrance. Most of the family were around the table. Craig's sister, Caroline, was feeding her rats, Miranda was pouring wine, Ned was reading the
Guardian,
Lori was poaching a whole salmon in a long fish kettle. “I think Aunt Miranda's getting drunk,” Craig said.

That caught Sophie's interest. She dropped the magazine and lay beside Craig to look. “Can't they see us?” she said quietly.

He studied her as she stared through the gap. Her hair was pushed behind her ears. The skin of her cheek looked unbearably soft. “Have a look, next time you're in the kitchen,” he said. “You'll see that there's a ceiling light right behind the gap which makes it difficult to make out, even when you know it's there.”

“So, like, nobody knows you're here?”

“Well, everyone knows there's an attic. And watch out for Nellie. She'll look up and cock her head, listening, as soon as you move. She knows you're here—and anyone watching her may catch on.”

“Still, this is pretty cool. Look at my father. He's pretending to read the paper, but he keeps making eyes at Miranda. Yech.” She rolled on her side, propped herself on her elbow, and fished a packet of cigarettes out of her jeans pocket. “Want one?”

Craig shook his head. “You can't smoke if you're serious about football.”

“How can you be serious about football? It's a game!”

“Sports are more fun if you're good at them.”

“Yeah, you're right.” She blew out smoke. He watched her lips. “That's probably why I don't like sports. I'm such a spastic.”

Craig realized he had broken through some kind of barrier. She was talking to him at last. And what she said was quite intelligent. “What are you good at?” he asked.

“Not much.”

He hesitated, then blurted out, “Once, at a party, a girl told me I was a good kisser.” He held his breath. He needed to break the ice with her somehow—but was this too soon?

“Oh?” She seemed interested in an academic way. “What do you do?”

“I could show you.”

A look of panic crossed her face. “No way!” She held up a hand, as if to ward him off, although he had not moved.

He realized he had been too impetuous. He could have kicked himself. “Don't worry,” he said, smiling to hide his disappointment. “I won't do anything you don't want, I promise.”

“It's just that I've got this boyfriend.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yeah. But don't tell anyone.”

“What's he like?”

“My boyfriend? He's a student.” She looked away, screwing up her eyes against the smoke from her cigarette.

“At Glasgow University?”

“Yes. He's nineteen. He thinks I'm seventeen.”

Craig was not sure whether to believe her. “What's he studying?”

“Who cares? Something boring. Law, I think.”

Craig looked through the gap again. Lori was sprinkling chopped parsley over a steaming bowl of potatoes. Suddenly he felt hungry. “Lunch is ready,” he said. “I'll show you the other way out.”

He went to the end of the attic and opened a large door. A narrow ledge overhung a drop of fifteen feet to the ground. Above the door, on the outside of the building, was a pulley: that was how the sofa and tea chests had been brought up. Sophie said, “I can't jump from here.”

“No need.” Craig brushed snow off the ledge with his hands, then walked along it to the end and stepped two feet down on to a lean-to roof over the boot lobby. “Easy.”

Looking anxious, Sophie followed in his footsteps. When she reached the end of the ledge, he offered her his hand. She took it, gripping unnecessarily hard. He handed her down onto the lean-to roof.

He stepped back up on the ledge to close the big door, then returned
to Sophie's side. They went cautiously down the slippery roof. Craig lay on his front and slid over the edge, then dropped the short distance to the ground.

Sophie followed suit. When she was lying on the roof with her legs dangling over the edge, Craig reached up with both hands, held her by the waist, and lifted her down. She was light.

“Thanks,” she said. She looked triumphant, as if she had come successfully through a trying experience.

It wasn't that difficult, Craig thought as they went into the house for lunch. Perhaps she's not as confident as she pretends.