White Trash Beautiful (27 page)

“No. It wasn’t your fault. Not mine either. It was self-defense. He can’t hurt you anymore. That’s all that matters.”

I clung to Tucker as if he were the oxygen that I breathed.

“No one will ever hurt you again. I promise.” Tears began to fall down his cheeks as he pulled me tight against him.

—

I was released the next morning from the hospital. Tucker rented a car so I wouldn’t have to sit on the back of his motorcycle. He took me to the drugstore to fill my prescription. The woman at the counter looked horrified when she saw my bruised and swollen face. She glared at Tucker, but he didn’t say a word. He didn’t care what anyone thought. For once, my guy only cared about one thing: me.

We stayed locked away in a hotel room where no one could find us, only leaving for my mother’s funeral. We had her buried in Eddington Cemetery, just a mile from the trailer park. Aggie and Larry showed up to support me and pay their respects to her. The preacher who ran the NA meetings we’d attended said kind words about her, never once bringing up her struggles and addictions. I left the teddy bear she had given me when I was a child in front of the plaque that marked her grave.

I never attended Jax’s funeral, but I knew that one day I would need to visit his grave. Whether to condemn him or forgive him, I
didn’t know . . . but one day I’d need to make peace with everything Jax had given me . . . and taken from me.

“You don’t need to go there, Cass. It’s only going to make things harder on you.” Tucker sank down on the hotel bed and scrubbed his hands over his face.

“Harder? I don’t sleep, I can’t eat, I hate myself for what you’ve had to go through. I don’t see how it could get any worse.”

“Please don’t put
yourself
through anything more. Give your body and heart time to heal.” He rubbed the pad of his thumb over my bruised cheekbone, causing me to flinch.

I stepped back from between his legs and stormed off into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

He was at the door in seconds. “Come on, sweetheart. I’m just trying to make you feel better.”

I didn’t respond. I had no idea what to say.

“Fine. Do what you want.” He kicked the door gently, but it still caused me to jump. “You’re not the only one who’s hurting here, Cass.”

“I know.” I clenched my jaw.

“He
killed
our baby. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy. He deserves to rot in hell.”

I sank down to the floor and hung my head in my hands. I had no sympathy for Jax. Not anymore, but I deserved to have my say, to feel the way I felt. And I deserved to tell him how I felt. The door to the hotel room slammed and I knew that it would be hours before Tucker returned. I pulled open the bathroom door and shut off the lights before crawling into bed and crying myself to sleep.

Tucker missed countless concerts and his band had to cancel the rest of the tour. He didn’t care, but I knew that I was killing his dreams the longer he stayed with me. I knew they had to hate me by now, but Tucker assured me that they only wanted what was best for the two of us. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe in fairy tales anymore. How could any relationship survive what we had been through?

Jax had killed me in that trailer. I no longer lived, no longer smiled. I could feel nothing but sadness and pain.

I forced myself to get out of bed every morning and get ready for the day even though I had nothing to wake up for. I hadn’t been back to the trailer park since that night. I couldn’t work again until my bruises healed. The doctor gave me medication to cope with the pain. I refused to take it. I had grown accustomed to pain and it would be too easy to slip down the path of addiction, which had ultimately ended in the deaths of three people. I deserved to suffer through everything that was dealt my way.

Tucker spent his days writing songs and silently dealing with all of his own pain. I encouraged him to meet with his band. He needed to get back to what he loved doing. He told me he didn’t want to ever leave me alone again, but I knew he missed his old life, and I was sure he resented me for all I put him through. I knew he regretted stepping foot into Aggie’s Diner that day. I had to make it right for him.

While he was taking a shower one morning, I called Dorris and let her know where we were. The band was waiting for Tucker by the time he came out of the bathroom.

“What the fuck is this?”

“I knew you weren’t ever going to call them.”

“So you went behind my back?”

“I’m not doing this
to
you. I’m doing this
for
you.”

“Funny. I thought I should have a say in what I want out of my life.”

“Tuck, we know your hurtin’, man, but we need you, too. You can’t just give up on your entire life.” Terry stepped forward, taking the heat off me momentarily. I was grateful.

“I’m not giving up on shit, Terry. In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t ask for any of this.”

“Did we?” Eric crossed his arms over his chest.

“This isn’t fair.” Tucker paced the floor like a caged animal.

“It’s not. None of this is fair. Are you going to let him win? He’s
destroyed everything you worked your entire life for and you’re just letting it happen,” Chris interjected.

“Fine. I’ll try. That’s the best I can do. I’m not making any promises.” Tucker ran his hand over his unshaven face.

He was angry, but he didn’t say a word to me. In fact, he pretty much gave up on talking to me altogether. I lashed out at him, with no one else to direct my anger toward. Neither of us knew how to deal with such a great loss. It was impossible to describe loving someone you had never even met. The band told Tucker they would wait as long as he needed for him to get past all he’d been through. If they waited for him to be ready, they would be waiting a lifetime.

A week later, after several secret phone calls to Dorris, the band had set up their first gig in over a month. They would be playing a small set at the Lucas Theatre in Savannah. It would kick off the second leg of their tour. I spent the morning looking for apartments in the local paper as he prepared. He was nervous.

“I have to go. The guys want to rehearse the new song before the concert tonight.”

I smiled as he kissed me on the forehead. “Are you sure you’re up for this tonight?”

“You didn’t leave me with much of a choice, Cass.” I looked into his eyes and he grinned. “Thank you for that.”

“You refused to jump. I pushed you. Break a leg.” I winked at him and he laughed, running his hand through his hair.

He kissed me again and looked down at the paper. “I pulled out cash from the ATM. You can check out some of these places, and if you find one you like, put down a deposit. The concert starts at six. Don’t be late.” He pulled out a stack of money from his wallet and laid it on the bed next to me.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He grinned as he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight. I squeezed him back, not wanting to let him go, but I knew I had to. I had to let him go so he could go on to be the rock star he was destined to be.

“Good-bye, Tucker.”

“See you later, Cass.” He left the room and I finally let the tears fall. Once again, it was time to let him move forward with his life.

I grabbed my purse and flew around the room, gathering my belongings. I had four hours before he would know I was gone. Four hours before I broke his heart. I had no other choice.

I made my way down to the sidewalk in the bright afternoon sun. I had to work fast. I hurried down a few blocks and made my way across Bay Street toward the river. I slipped past the Chart restaurant to Scarlett’s.

“I saw your ad in the paper for help,” I told the woman at the register. She smiled brightly as she handed her customer change.

“Do you have any experience in retail?”

“I’ve worked as a waitress, but I’ve always loved your shop.” I thought back to when Tucker bought me my first dress from here. I hoped he would forgive me for what I was doing.

“Well, I just need someone who can run a register and help customers find their sizes. You think you can handle that?”

“Absolutely.”

“Great. Be here at seven in the morning and I’ll show you the ropes.”

“Thank you so much,” I squealed. I hurried out of the shop to execute part two of my plan. I needed to find an affordable apartment not too far away. The paper was advertising low-income housing just a few blocks from Bay Street, and I knew with the cash Tucker had given me, I would be able to pay the deposit and the first month’s rent, with plenty left over for food until my first paycheck rolled in.

I knew Tucker would be crushed when he didn’t see me at his concert, but I also knew I owed him this. One day he would thank me for letting him go. And if I wanted to get my life back together, I needed to be my own white knight for once.

I found my way to the apartment buildings. They weren’t much to look at, but anything was better than the trailer park. I would
never go back there. I met the manager, and after giving him my mother’s name to make sure Tucker couldn’t track me down, I rented my very first apartment. I figured this was my story and I could rewrite it, starting with a new name for my new life, just like Tucker had.

“Here ya go, Anne.” The manager held out a set of keys.

“Thank you.” I spun around to look at my new place as he left. It was about as big as a box, but if I stood on my toes, I could see some of the river from my living-room window. The furniture was old and musty, but it would do until I could save for something a little newer.

I curled up on the corner of the ugly hunter-green couch and pulled my knees to my chest as I waited for the next hour and a half to tick by. There would be no turning back now. I let my tears fall freely as the minutes inched on until it was six o’clock.

I knew I was doing what was best for Tucker, but it still hurt like hell. I didn’t regret the time I had spent with him. I had finally felt loved and was able to love someone else, and that was truly amazing. Tucker had helped me realize that I was worth something, that I deserved something better out of life, and I would never be able to repay him for that. But I could act on it.

I hoped he would forgive me one day for putting him through all of this, and I hoped he didn’t regret the time we’d had together.

T
HE WEEKS TICKED
by and I began to fall into my place in life. I worked endless hours to make money for the bills and even a little extra. Now that I had only myself to support, I was able to save a bit, too. I refused to let myself sulk over what had happened to me. I knew if I worked hard enough, maybe one day Tucker and I would cross paths again. I planned on being worthy of someone as kind and caring as him when that time came.

I began attending the local NA meetings. I still struggled with my anger and pain from what drugs had done to the ones I loved. I learned a lot about myself. My bruises had healed, but the pain in my heart still lingered. I needed to learn to cope with it and forgive the ones who’d wronged me in my life.

I gathered my things as I looked at the clock that hung in the kitchen. It was almost time for the first band to play over in City Market. I grabbed my purse and made my way through the crowded streets to Café.

“Hey, Anne. There’s a good band tonight.” The hostess adjusted her flaming-red ponytail.

“I heard. I’m really excited.”

“Hard tea?”

I nodded and sat on the bench just outside the restaurant. The air was warm and heavy today, even as the sun began to sink behind the buildings.

“Here, darlin’.”

I held out a $10 bill to Jewels.

She waved it away. “You know it’s on the house as long as you stay and keep me company.”

“Where else would I go?” I shot her a smile as the band began to play behind me. I recognized the first few chords to “Loved” instantly. It was ingrained in my heart. I jumped up, nearly spilling my drink as my eyes searched out the band. The lead singer had long, shaggy hair and a full beard. It wasn’t Tucker. I sat back down on the bench with a thud as my heart broke all over again.

“You all right, Anne? You look like you saw a ghost.”

“I was hoping to.” The lump forming in my throat nearly blocked my airway completely.

“Just breathe, sweetie.”

“I’m fine. I’m sorry, Jewels. I’m just not feeling well. I think I should go back home and lie down.”

“Yeah, all right. Want me to come by and check on you after I get off?”

I stood and drank down my tea as quickly as I could, hoping the liquor would dull the aching in my chest. “No. I’ll be fine. I just need more time.”

She drew her brows together but gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded.

“Maybe next weekend.” My life was like Groundhog Day. Every weekend I forced myself to come to the Market. Most times I made it two or three songs before the memories became too hard to ignore.

Music used to be an escape for me, and I desperately craved that again.

I made my way back to my apartment, defeated once again. Becoming someone else was nearly impossible when your old memories refused to fade.

I grabbed a beer from the fridge and kicked off my sandals, settling in on my couch. The house was so quiet. Something I used to pray for when I came home from the diner. Now it was all-consuming. The silence was deafeningly loud. My next purchase would be a television, I decided, as I took a long pull from my beer. I picked at the label as the minutes ticked by, turning into hours. Finally, exhaustion took over and I could no longer fight sleep. I curled up on the couch and let one day fade into the next.

I awoke to a pounding on the door. “Not today,” I moaned, and pulled a throw pillow over my head.

“No rest for the wicked, Anne.”

“Ugh.” I threw the pillow at the door and pushed myself up from the couch. I ran my fingers through my hair before yanking open the front door.

“Well, aren’t you Miss Sunshine. Here.” Jewels held out a cup of coffee for me and stepped inside.

I groaned. “It’s only noon and my day off.”