Whistling Past the Graveyard (25 page)

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addy paid for three breakfasts that didn’t get eaten. Mamie would have had a hissy fit seeing all that food go to waste. But I reckon my story sucked away Daddy’s appetite just like it did mine. And he really must not have known where to start, ’cause he hadn’t said a word after saying that. He’d just sat there for a minute, then picked up the bill from the table, slid out of the booth, and headed to the cash register. I had to pee so bad by then I had to run straight to the bathroom, which for some reason was at the front of this diner, not the back near Eula where it should have been and I could have let her know what I’d told Daddy.

I went as fast as I could, not even stopping to wash my hands. I needed to talk to Eula outside of Daddy’s hearing. But when I come out, they was both already gone. I pulled the front door open. A lick of panic went over me when I saw Eula was already in the backseat and Daddy was behind the wheel. They were talking!

I run and jerked the car door open.

Daddy was saying, “. . . me about your husband and—what you had to do.”
I looked at Eula and thought she’d stopped breathing for a minute.
“Sorry to keep you waitin’,” I said, real cheerful. “Don’t you need to use the restroom, Daddy?” I tried to tell Eula with my eyes that things was okay. But she kept looking at her lap.
He gave me a wrinkled-forehead look—which he didn’t do often, so I had to respect it or else. “Not a question for you to be askin’. And you’re interrupting.”
Daddy said to Eula, “There’s no way to repay you, but I’ll do everything possible to see you’re treated fairly by the police. I’ve got a friend who’s a county deputy . . .” He stopped, like something just come to him. “Where’s your house?”
She told him and he looked some relieved.
“Good. Maybe I can get Don to help us out then.”
“I’m ready to take what’s comin’ to me, sir.” She kept her eyes low and not looking direct at Daddy. “And I thank you for your kindness.”
I wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to be scared of him like she was most white men, but the scarder she was, the less likely she was to go spillin’ the beans.
When Daddy turned back around and started the car, I pisst-whispered at her. When she looked up. I made like I was lockin’ my lips together with a key. The look in her eyes made my stomach flip over. I wanted to jump over the seat and put my hands over her mouth.
“How much longer till we’re home?” I asked, trying to get Daddy distracted.
“A few hours. Now shush. I’m tryin’ to talk to Eula.” He gave me a look and I closed my trap. I needed Daddy happy, not all mad at me. He pulled us back on the road, then looked at Eula in the rearview mirror. “You only did it to save her—like self-defense. The law should be on your side.”
“Baby James might be harder to explain.” Eula’s voice was quiet, but not so quiet that Daddy didn’t hear.
“I done told Daddy all about Wallace takin’ him ’cause he thought you needed a baby.” I made my eyes big and raised my eyebrows so she’d get the message. “And that Wallace was crazy.”
Daddy looked over at me. “Starla, I’m pretty sure that part of your story was . . . modified.”
My heart started to beat fast. I should have remembered Daddy always knew—even when I got Mamie to believe my truth stretchers. He didn’t always say, but he always knew.
“It’s what happened!” I said, knowing it was a waste of breath. “And Wallace was crazy!”
“A man like that wouldn’t care if Eula had a baby or not, but if it helps Eula, that’s our story.”
My body got like Jell-O. (Thank you, baby Jesus.)
“I took him,” Eula said, and my heart fell to my toes. “I did.”
Before Daddy could say anything, I said, “But he was left on the church steps by a colored girl like I said—the white Methodist church. Eula thought it’d be bad for a colored baby to be left there, so she took him. And it was Thursday; Wednesday prayer meeting was over and it was a long way till Sunday. What if nobody found him? And she didn’t know he was white until after she got out of town . . . he was all wrapped up. Please, Daddy! I know some awful things get done to colored folks. I can’t let that happen to Eula. If you won’t say Wallace done it, tell them I took him from the church! That’ll be okay. I’m a kid—and white. I’m goin’ to reform school anyhow.” Somehow I’d started crying.
“Starla, Starla. Relax. We’ll figure out somethin’.” He patted my leg. “Nobody’s reported a missing baby. Whoever sent him to that church doesn’t want to get found out. And you’re not going to reform school.”
“I’m not?” I sniffled.
“Of course not.”
“But Mrs. Sellers—”
“Has been worried sick since you ran off. Both her and Jimmy spent time with the search parties.”
“Search parties?”
“The whole town’s been lookin’ for you, afraid you’d gone off somewhere and got hurt or lost.”
“The whole town?”
He nodded.
I frowned. “Mamie is gonna be so mad.”
“Might as well get ready for it.” After a second he said, “How did you think you were gonna travel near six hundred miles on foot in the first place?”
Now that just made me sound stupid. “I didn’t know it was that far.” I decided Daddy had some questions to answer himself. “How come you never told me you and Lulu was divorced?”
He sighed real long. “You were too young at first. Then”—he shrugged—“it just didn’t seem to matter. Lucinda was gone and was gonna stay gone.”
“Well, it mattered to me!” My ears caught fire. “All this time I been thinkin’ good things about her, wishin’ we was all together again. Thinkin’ she loved me—” A breath jerked inside me, like I was gonna get a sob going. I gritted my teeth to keep it in. “She’s horrible.”
Daddy ran a hand through his hair. “She sent you birthday cards to show she loved you.”
“Big deal. And she didn’t when I turned six.” Now that I’d seen Lulu, I knew that one didn’t get lost in the mail.
“Baby, I didn’t know—that you thought that way about her, I mean. You were so little when she left, I didn’t think you remembered her hardly at all.” His lips bunched and he shook his head. “I thought it was better you didn’t know about her . . . how she is. I didn’t want her to hurt you . . . but she has anyway.”
Eula coughed a fake cough.
Daddy’s eyes went to the rearview mirror. I don’t know what kind of face Eula made; I was too mad and sorry to look. But right away Daddy said, “Your momma does love you, Starla. As much as she can love anybody. She’s not like the rest of us inside. She can’t show you like she should.”
I didn’t say anything. Couldn’t say anything without blubberin’. Someday I might cry about Lulu again, but not for a long time. I had to hold on to the mad so the sad didn’t drown me.
“How did you even find her?” Daddy said it, but it was more like to himself than to me. The light glittered in his eyes, like he had some tears wanting out. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m not very good at this. I was wrong not to tell you.”
Hold on to the mad.
I crossed my arms. “Well, it sure woulda saved a whole lot of trouble.” Without a place to go, I might never have run away for real at all. Eula’d never have picked me up. She and James could have stayed together out there in the woods—I stopped right there. Dreamin’about Eula and James being happy living out there with Wallace the Bear was as crazy as me thinking Lulu was famous and really wanted me and Daddy to live with her.
Truth be told, me and Eula needed each other—we had a gift together. If I hadn’t run off, we’d never have found it.
I wouldn’t give up on her—ever.

After a little while, I spent some time telling Daddy how hard Eula worked to get the money so she could take me to Nashville. I told him she was the best momma ever to me and James, even though she wasn’t our momma at all and could have just left us when things got bad.Then I spent some time reminding him about how she’d saved me at least three times—first from dyin’ of thirst on the Fourth of July, second from Wallace drownin’ me in the swamp, and third time with the skillet. “Oh, and then when she got me well at Miss Cyrena’s. I was pretty sick, so I reckon I could have died then, too.”

Daddy had his elbow on the car door and was rubbing his forehead. He was starting to look sick again. “I get it, Starla. I already said I’d help her.”

“But what if the police don’t listen to you? What then?” “We’re just gonna have to take things one at a time. It’ll work out.” I leaned closer and whispered, so Eula wouldn’t hear over the wind

coming through the wing vents and partway-open windows, “How do you know?”
“I don’t. We just have to hope for the best.”
That worried me. I’d been
sure,
not just hoping, that Momma would help Eula. But Daddy was sounding a little perturbed so I shut up. I leaned against the window, liking the way it vibrated against my head; then I started to change my plan.
I musta fallen asleep, ’cause I woke up when the car started to slow down. I was mad at myself; I didn’t want Daddy and Eula talking without me. Then I saw where we were and about had a kitten.
“What are you doin’?” Daddy looked startled and I realized I’d yelled it.
“I figured we’d take a restroom break and get lunch—”
“No! Keep goin’.” I never wanted to see Riedell’s Diner again.
“But—”
“I ain’t hungry. Go.”I looked on down the road, feeling like Riedell’s was a wild animal I was afraid to look square in the eye.
“Starla, what’s going on?”
“That place is horrible. And”—I slid over to whisper—“they don’t serve colored people.”
He got back on the gas and we went on by. I slumped back in the seat. “Thank you.”
Daddy kept his eyes on the road and nodded. “We’ll find someplace else.”
“Good. I’m hungry.”
Daddy laughed and looked at me. “You are somethin’ else, you know that?”
I just smiled back.
Daddy found us another place not far down the road. I looked for

signs in the window that said
WHITE TRADE ONLY
or
NO COLORED SER
VICE
, but didn’t see any. It made me wonder why the bus stopped at Riedell’s when maybe all the passengers could eat here.

“I’ll run in and make sure this place is good,” Daddy said. “Be right back.”
Eula was changing James’s diaper. “There now, little man, you all fresh.”
I knew she wasn’t gonna like my new plan.
“Eula, you gotta go. Now.”
She frowned. “What?”
“I’ll take care of James. You get out of the car and hide somewhere until we’re gone. I’ll tell Daddy you got in a car with some colored folks and run off.”
“I do no such thing!”
“You have to. Then get to Miss Cyrena’s. You’ll be safe there.”
“Safe from what?” Her mouth was all puckered.
“From the law.” I got on my knees and leaned over the seat and flipped the back-door latch. “If they don’t listen to me and Daddy, things could be bad.”
“You not thinkin’ straight. If them Jenkins boys find me, it for sure be bad.” She pulled her door closed again. “I done made up my mind from the start. I take what comes, but I ain’t spendin’ my days hidin’ like a river rat. I gotta tell what I done. If the law says I need punishment, that the way it’ll be.”
I unlatched the door again. “But you don’t deserve to be punished! Get outta here.”
She pulled the door closed and pushed the lock down. “Stop this foolishness. You make me get out here, I go straight to the law right now.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I do. I understand real clear. A body can’t run from what they done. They carry it with them inside. It fester and spread like poison if it’s buried. It gotta be out in the air where it can heal.” She opened her palms to the sky. “Someday you understand that, too.” She locked her eyes on mine. “I hope someday real soon.” The look she gave me threw water on the hot coals burnin’ inside me.
She’s ashamed of me. That thought coming clear sucked the air from my lungs. I wanted to lay down in the front seat and hide my face.
Daddy come back and opened my car door. “Okay. Let’s go in.”
I spun around.
“Why are you cryin’?” he asked.
I got out and walked past him. “I ain’t.” I didn’t stop until I was inside the restroom with the door locked behind me.
The roads started to get some familiar and I got to itchin’ all over. Then I saw the water tower and my stomach tied itself in a knot. The sun was low, making the tank look orange instead of silver, and the paint that said
CAYUGA SPRINGS
look black and not blue, but we was home. I wanted to tell Daddy to stop the car and wait until dark before we drove into town.To let me out so I could run off. My ears got hot when I realized
I
was the one I wanted to keep safe from punishment. I was shameful and selfish, just like Eula thought.
“Does everybody know?” I asked.
“Know what?” Daddy looked at me. “That we found you?”
That wasn’t what I meant. I wanted to know if everybody knew I run off to my momma and she didn’t want me, but I couldn’t make myself say it out loud. I nodded.
“Of course. Otherwise they’d have kept worrying and looking. We told Sheriff Reese and he spread the word.”
“Oh.”
“Why do you sound so disappointed?”
Right then we turned a corner and passed Patti Lynn’s house. I sat up straight, hoping to see her outside, but the sidewalk and porch and driveway was all empty. A big yellow bow was on one of the porch posts. “What’s that?”
Daddy smiled. “It’s a sign that someone is waiting for you to come home.”
“For me?”
“Yep. Mamie said it’s something folks did back in the War; girls wore yellow ribbons for their soldiers. There was a song or a movie or something about it.”
“Did Mamie wear one for Granddad?” He didn’t come home from the War, so I wondered if she did, how she decided when to stop.
“I reckon she did, since she was the one who told me about it.”
I turned in my seat to stare at the ribbon that said Patti Lynn missed me. It made me feel really good and more ashamed at the same time.
We drove the rest of the way home, going the same way Patti Lynn and I rode our bikes to each other’s house. I wished Daddy could have just let me off at Patti Lynn’s, where I was missed.
Our house didn’t have a big, fancy front porch like Patti Lynn’s. It had a cracked-up set of concrete steps without anything to keep the rain off you when you rang the doorbell. Out in the front yard was a sweet-gum tree. Tied around it was a yellow bow. This one wasn’t big and puffy like Patti Lynn’s, more like a stringy afterthought. But it surprised me that it was there at all. Then I remembered Daddy had been home from the Gulf for two weeks.
Knowing he missed me and didn’t just come get me ’cause Lulu was throwin’ me out and he didn’t have a choice made me feel some better. I pointed at it. “You missed me, too.”
“I did. But I wasn’t the one who tied that ribbon there.”
“Patti Lynn?”
He shook his head like I was being silly. “Your mamie put it there.”
You coulda knocked me over with a feather. “She did?”
“Why do you sound so surprised?”
“Mamie hates me.”
Daddy looked like he wanted to jump out of the car; he never liked arguing with me about Mamie. But he stuck. “No, she doesn’t. She loves you.”
“She wishes I wasn’t never born, so I’d say she hates me all right.”
His face got dark red under his tan. “Did she say that?”
Daddy sounded so mad, I almost lied. But Eula had said a person had to own up to what they done. “She did. Once . . . or twice, I don’t ’member. She was mad.”
Daddy was breathing real loud. It went on so long, I got worried. “Daddy?”
“She didn’t mean it. She says a lot of things she doesn’t mean when she’s mad.” Then he looked at me. “You get your stubborn streak from her, you know. Sometimes watchin’ you two is like watchin’ two mules standin’ eye to eye in a road plenty wide for you to pass.”
“I ain’t like her. Not one little bit.”
“Okay. Think what you want.”
I crossed my arms. “I will.” Then I caught myself with my lips all pinched up like Mamie’s when she was exaserbated with me, so I smoothed ’em back out, careful not to look over at Daddy.
I wished I could go live with Daddy on the oil rig and Mamie could sit here and eat all of her special bridge-club snacks without me. I wouldn’t have to go to school then either. I could maybe earn my keep by making beds or doing dishes. I was spinnin’such a good picture in my head, I was a little startled when Daddy said,“Mamie does love you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t care how you behaved as long as you were out of her hair. She was a wreck while you were gone—she couldn’t eat or sleep. She’s just so afraid . . .”Then he stopped and scrubbed his hand over his face.
“Afraid of what?” I knew exactly what she was afraid of, she’d told me a hundred times. But I didn’t know if Daddy knew.
Then I could see. He knew. He just didn’t want to say it. Probably ’cause he was afraid of the same thing. After meetin’ Lulu, I was some scared myself.
“Mamie just wants you to grow up to be a good person,” he finally said. “To learn to live right, get along with people, and be happy.”
“Ha!” I slapped my knee. “That’s a good one. She’s only worried about what people will think.”
“There’s more to it than that, Starla. Even if it seems like she’s just trying to make your life miserable, she does want you to be happy. Part of being happy in life is accepting the rules. I’ve asked a lot of her . . . I didn’t realize . . .”
“You asked a lot of me, too!” My ears was getting hot again. “I never wanted to live with Mamie. Nobody ever asks me what I want!”
All the sudden my door opened up. Mamie pulled me out onto the grass between the sidewalk and street. She hugged me tight. I could hear her breathing was ragged. Just when I started to think things was gonna be all right, she grabbed my shoulders, her fingers diggin’ in, in that too familiar way. She got right so we was nose to nose and I knew what was coming. But it come so fast, I didn’t get braced. She shook me so hard my teeth clacked together.
My head spun and my tongue bled copper in my mouth.
Such commotion broke out that I had a hard time keeping up with what was happening. Daddy yanked me away from Mamie at the same time Eula jumped out of the backseat. Baby James didn’t like being left so he started caterwaulin’. Mamie first was crying to Daddy that she was sorry, then started shoutin’ and swattin’ at Eula to get away from her. Ernestine come running from the LeCounts like she expected a fire.
“Mother! That’s enough,” Daddy yelled. “Enough!”
“She’s attackin’ me!” She took another swat at Eula.
Eula wasn’t doing nothin’ but standing in between Mamie and me. She wasn’t even looking at Mamie. If Mamie’d hold still for half a second, she might figure that out.
“She is not,” Daddy said. “Calm yourself down.”
Ernestine was standing off to the side, wringing her apron.
I spit the blood out on the ground. I was some mad at myself. I hadn’t been caught that unprepared for a long time.
Daddy put his hand under my chin. “Let’s see.”
I stuck my tongue out. It was still numb and hadn’t started hurting yet.
“Go inside and get some ice on that.” He looked at Eula. “You and the baby go with her.”
“That colored—”
“Stop! Just stop, Mother.” As I climbed the steps, I heard him tell Ernestine thank-you and to go on home. Then he said to Mamie, “We need to talk.”