Whisper of Scandal (27 page)

Well, it was over now. Joanna brushed a strand of hair away from her eyes. Her feelings for David felt remote and cold. It was as though she had been scoured clean of all emotion for him. He no longer had the power to hurt her because the worst had happened and she had survived it and that was because she had changed, become stronger and braver than she could ever have imagined, and Alex had been by her side.

Her heart did a giddy little swoop as she finally allowed herself to acknowledge how completely she had turned to Alex in her unhappiness. She had given herself to him wholly and without reservation. At first it had sprung from her need to blot out the pain, to forget. But Alex had refused to allow her to use him. He had made her see him as he truly was, a man she loved for his integrity and his directness and his honesty. She loved him for being a man of principle and honor, the hero she had wanted when she had been young, a man who had sworn to protect her and had been true to his word.

For a moment Joanna was filled with elation, excitement and hope. And then the truth of her situation
hit her like a flood tide and she wanted to cry, for she knew that falling in love with Alex was probably the single most foolish thing she could have done. Alex had all those admirable qualities and more, but he was at heart still an adventurer; exploring was his lifeblood and he had never made any secret of the fact. He did not want a settled home or any emotional ties. He had been scrupulously honest in making that clear to her from the start. And now the original reason for their marriage—to rescue Nina and provide her with a secure home—was gone, but she and Alex were still shackled together. And worse, his one demand of her, that she give him a child, would never be fulfilled.

She had deceived him. That was the biggest betrayal of all.

She had to tell him. She could not bear it any longer and now that everything else was at an end it was only right to end this, too.

The crunch of footsteps on shingle drew her back to the present. She raised her head and saw that Alex was standing a few feet away from her. He was in his shirtsleeves. The wind stirred his dark hair. And looking at him it was as though every fiber of Joanna’s being caught alight and burned. Alex, who had possessed her body with such heart-stopping passion and tenderness from the first… Alex, the husband who had become her lover in every sense of the word…

Alex, the husband she had cheated.

She knew she had to end it. She looked away, overcome with emotion, unable to find the words.

“I am sorry I was not back before you woke,” Alex said. “I went to the village to get some food and to send word to the monastery that we were safe.”

Joanna felt a lurch of guilt. She had not spared a thought for any of their companions, who would probably have been beside themselves with worry. She looked from Alex’s face to the rather unappetizing food in his hands.

“Thank you,” she said. She took a deep breath and made what felt like a monumental effort. “I am sorry,” she said. “So sorry that it was all for nothing.”

Alex was frowning at her. “Joanna,” he said, and his gentleness smashed her heart, “you made the right decision about Nina. I cannot reproach you for it. You have been very brave.” He took her hand. “I understand that giving up Nina is desperately hard for you to bear,” he said. “You had built so much upon saving her and caring for her as your own. But in time we will have children of our own. I know you may not want to talk about that now, but once your sorrow has eased—”

Something broke within Joanna. “Don’t,” she said. Her voice shook. “Please don’t say anything else. We will not have children of our own.”

Alex had gone very still. Joanna freed her hand from his. It felt wrong to touch him now. She linked her fingers together to stop them from shaking.

“When we were in London you asked me why David and I had quarreled,” she said. Her voice trembled. “The reason was because I failed to give him an heir. In five years of marriage I was never once pregnant. David and I quarreled because I was barren.”

The word, so harsh and cold, seemed to hang between them in the air.

Alex was staring at her. “But surely,” he said, “that was no more than mere chance. You said yourself—” his voice warmed into hope “—that conceiving a child
was in God’s hands. Unless you are certain that you cannot conceive, unless there is good reason to believe it to be so—”

He stopped. Joanna knew that he must have seen the change in her expression, the guilt she could not hide.

“There is good reason to believe it,” she said.

Alex was shaking his head. His eyes had gone blank with shock. “But when I said I wanted an heir for Balvenie you said nothing!” He was looking at her with incredulity and dawning distaste, and when she did not contradict him he got to his feet and turned away from her.

“Am I to understand,” he said in a tight tone she barely recognized, “that you knowingly deceived me? That when you came to me asking me to wed you and we made our bargain, you knew I was asking for something that you would never be able to give me?”

“Yes,” Joanna said. “Yes, I did.”

Alex rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “And you did this—”

“For Nina’s sake.” Joanna’s voice faltered. “And for my own, I admit. Alex, it was my only chance to have a child!” She looked at him beseechingly. “You know how desperate I was—”

“And you knew that in taking what you wanted you would deprive me of a child of my own, the very thing that I wanted.” Alex gave a harsh laugh. “Oh, I do not pretend to understand what it must feel like to be a woman denied of the chance to have a child.” He shook his head. “But now I know what it is like to be a man deprived of the heir he desires.” He looked down at her. “I pity your loss,” he said roughly. “I might even go so far as to say that I understand your motives. But
the dishonesty of your behavior—” He stopped. “You lied to me,” he said, and the words fell like stones into the quietness. “Ware warned me that you were selfish and manipulative. How ironic it is, when I had at last come to believe that he was the unprincipled one, that he should have been right about you after all.”

“Divorce me,” Joanna said helplessly. It broke her heart to say the words, but it was the only thing she could do to set him free. “You could remarry and beget an heir—” she began.

“No,” Alex interrupted fiercely. “You stay as my wife.”

Joanna stared at him. “But you cannot want that! Why would you do that?”

She held her breath as Alex turned away and paced a little way away along the beach. She knew the words she wanted to hear him say; knew, too, that she had forfeit any right to his love through her deception.

“You will remain as my wife because I pity you, Joanna,” Alex said over his shoulder, and the word made her shrivel inside. “I can see you must have been desperate to do what you did. I will not make that worse by causing a monstrous scandal that will ruin you.” He turned to look at her and his face was as hard as granite. “You may return to London. I will give you a letter for the lawyers. You will have my name and an allowance and you can take up your life as it was before. I shall travel.” He turned away to stare out across the cold gray bay. “I will take ship from here. The Admiralty will probably court-martial me for desertion, but at this moment I find I do not care.”

He walked away and Joanna watched him go. She had thought she had lost everything when she had given
up Nina, but that had not been true. This was more painful, to know that she loved Alex and to see him walk away from her. It was worse still to know that he despised her for her deceit and that very probably he wished never to see her again but that they would be locked together forever in a loveless marriage.

She sat for a time on the cold shore and then, when there was nothing else to do, she started to walk back to the monastery to pack her bags.

T
HERE WAS NO SIGN
of Alex when Joanna returned to the monastery and she was fiercely glad that she did not have to face him again until she felt a little less raw and could conceal her emotions better. In a little while, perhaps, they would have to meet and speak, and she was not sure she could bear it. They had become strangers again in the most painful way possible, ripped apart by her deception after the sweetest and most tender night spent together. It seemed too cruel.

With a heavy heart Joanna dragged herself to the monastery guesthouse, trying to prepare herself to face Lottie’s blatant curiosity and tactless questions. When she walked in, however, it was to find that no one was there. No one except Frazer and Devlin, whose clothes were streaked with white dust and who was wearing a grim expression that sat oddly on his good-humored face. He was pacing the floor whilst Frazer poured huge jugs of water into a steaming hip bath.

“The treacherous, deceitful, conniving bitch,” Dev was saying, and for one terrible moment Joanna thought that Alex had told his cousin everything that had happened, that it was common knowledge, and now everybody hated her. Her heart shrank, but then Dev turned, saw her in the doorway and blushed.

“I beg your pardon, Lady Grant,” he said. “I know she is your friend.”

“You are speaking of Lottie, I assume,” Joanna said, pushing away her own preoccupations. “What on earth has happened? Where is she?”

“She is down in the harbor,” Dev said.

“Good Lord,” Joanna said. “Has she run off with one of the sailors?”

“She’s run off with John Hagan,” Dev said gloomily. “And he has run off with Ware’s treasure.” He ran a hand over his fair hair, making it stand up in spikes. “Damnation take it,” he added a little sadly, “I never thought that she loved me. I was the one who told her that it was over! And now it seems she has taken me for a fool!”

“No swearing in front of the lady, Mr. Devlin,” Frazer said disapprovingly. “Not that Mrs Cummings isn’t as brazen a piece as ever lived,” he added.

“You are going to have to explain this to me,” Joanna said, sitting down. “What is John Hagan doing here? How did he get here? And how,” she added, frowning, “did he know about the treasure?”

Dev blushed an even deeper red. “Lottie must have told him,” he muttered, rubbing a towel over his face. “She…persuaded…me to show her the treasure map when we were back in London.”

“You’re a fool, laddie,” Frazer said dourly.

“I know,” Dev said. “Damn it—sorry, dash it—I went across to Odden Bay yesterday afternoon and dug the thing up myself and brought it back here and did all the dashed work, and then Hagan walks in calm as you please this morning and says that it was Ware’s treasure and since he is Ware’s heir, it should belong to him!”

“I still don’t understand how he got here,” Joanna said.

“He bought passage with Captain Hallows on the
Raison,
” Dev said. “We lost them early on in the storm off Shetland and they only arrived this morning.” He gestured to the wide circular window in the guest-room tower. “The ice vanished in the night. The wind changed and the ice broke up and the ships could get in. Mr. Davy has brought
Sea Witch
round from the Isfjord.”

Joanna went across to the window embrasure with its wide, bright view. All of Bellsund Bay and the mountains beyond were bright and white and clear in the afternoon sun. There were two ships now lying at anchor out in the bay. The diminutive
Sea Witch
looked completely dwarfed by a Royal Navy frigate.

“Purchase has gone to see to the provisioning of
Sea Witch,
” Dev said. “We shall be ready to sail for home tomorrow.”

He looked a little embarrassed and Joanna realized that he knew Alex would not be traveling with them. Frazer, too, was busying himself with towels and hot water and did not meet her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Dev said in a rush. “I had hoped that Alex might—” He stopped; started again. “I cannot understand why he is abandoning his commission, or indeed, abandoning you—” He broke off, looking awkward. Frazer was shaking his head and muttering something under his breath that sounded to Joanna like “bloody fool,” no matter how much the steward apparently deplored swearing.

“Alex is not abandoning me,” she said lightly. The least that she could do, she thought, was to shield her husband from the censure of his friends when none of
this was his fault. “I knew when we wed that Alex would always wish to travel,” she said. “It was agreed between us from the first.” She leaned against the wide stone sill of the window and stared fixedly at the view, blinking to drive away the tears. She knew her voice sounded brittle and unconvincing. She knew that neither of them believed her.

She turned back to the room. Both Dev and Frazer were staring at her with identical expressions of pity.

“You did not tell me,” she said quickly, “what sort of treasure it was.”

“Oh…” Dev’s face cleared a little. “It was not quite as we had imagined.”

Joanna shook her head. “Why does that not surprise me? I suppose this is another of David’s unwelcome jests?”

“It is, in a way,” Dev said, sounding puzzled. “The treasure is a piece of marble. I think Ware must have found a seam of it in the rock here and thought to mine it. Hagan seems delighted at the prospect. He says it is of quality as fine as can be found in Italy and that it will make him a fortune in London.” He set his jaw. “Purchase and I tried to show him the error of his ways, but the abbot prevented us from giving him a drubbing.”

“The abbot is a man of sound good sense,” Frazer said. “Are you going to take this bath or not, Mr. Devlin?”

“I shall leave you to it,” Joanna said, smiling. She looked at the hip bath. “At least you have Lottie’s bath to provide some comfort even if she has betrayed us.”

“I am sorry,” Dev said. “She is your friend.”

“I fear Lottie was always monstrously indiscreet,” Joanna said.

“And monstrously disloyal,” Dev said bitterly.

Joanna shrugged. She found she did not really care for much today. Finding Nina, giving her up and losing Alex were all so immense that she had no time for Lottie Cummings’s perfidy.

She plucked Max from his basket and tucked him beneath one arm. The dog made a grumbling sound to be disturbed. “I am going down to the harbor,” she said. “I need to find Captain Purchase and make a few arrangements.” She went out into the courtyard. She felt enormous relief that the ice had gone and they would be able to return to England soon. She could not stay here in Bellsund with David’s daughter so close by and yet forever out of reach.

As for Alex, she thought, she would make it easy for him. She had chartered
Sea Witch
for the journey home, but she would not be on the ship. Instead, she would take passage with Captain Hallows on the
Raison.
It would be an uncomfortable journey with Lottie and John Hagan on board, too, but she did not care. She could not feel anything now beyond a numb misery that she had lost Alex forever. With the last of her money she would pay Owen Purchase to take Alex wherever he wished to travel. She would be the one to give him the freedom to go wherever he chose. Small recompense, perhaps, for her betrayal of him, but it was the only thing she could do.

She walked out of the huge monastery gates and stood on the bluff above Bellsund Bay. It was another soft summer day like the one that had greeted her arrival in Spitsbergen. A breeze from the south tugged at her hair and danced with her skirts. She could feel the sun on her back and it was warm. The sky was a perfect
clear-washed blue with the mountains so sharp against it that they looked like cutout shapes. The snow was so white it hurt her eyes.

She was going home. It was time to say goodbye.

She looked down on the ships anchored in the fjord below. She was going back now, back to London, back to the same life she had known before. It was odd that in the end nothing had really changed. She and Merryn would live in town and she would design beautiful interiors for people and attend fashionable events and smile and dance and skate across the surface of her life as she had before. She would be Lady Grant rather than Lady Joanna Ware, but it would make little difference because Alex would be in India or the Amazon Basin or Samarkand, wherever that was. She would have to ask Merryn for an atlas or buy a globe, perhaps, so that she might learn where all these places were.

Or perhaps she would not, for following Alex’s journeys across the globe would only serve to remind her how far he was from her.

She heard a step behind her and spun around, her heart lifting with hope, only for it to swoop down into her boots a moment later when she saw it was not Alex but Owen Purchase who was standing there. He came to stand beside her and for a moment neither of them spoke.

“You’re going to run away, aren’t you?” Purchase said. “You’re going to go with Hallows on the
Raison.
”

Joanna shook her head. “I’m not running away,” she said. “I am going home.”

“Come with me,” Purchase said. Then, as Joanna gazed at him incredulously: “We’ll take
Sea Witch.
We can go wherever we choose. Anywhere in the world.”

Joanna looked into his eyes and her heart stuttered with shock at what she saw there.

“Owen—” she began, but he shook his head.

“Don’t say anything. Not yet.” He half turned from her and stood looking out across the fjord. “I never thought I’d do this,” he said, “never thought I would play a friend false by running off with his wife.” He took a breath, looked at her. “But the truth is that you’re too good for him, Joanna. He doesn’t deserve you and it near enough drives me insane.” He laughed harshly. “It sounds so trite to say the words, but they’re true.”

“No,” Joanna said. “No, they are not. Owen, if you knew—”

“All I can see,” Purchase said fiercely, “is that you are here and you are sad, and that Grant is nowhere to be seen and anyway, he is the bastard who has made you sad in the first place and I cannot watch that anymore.”

Joanna struggled to find the right words. “Owen,” she said, “you were the one who told me that Alex was a fine man, and you were right.” She sighed. “I am not better than Alex. It’s simply that he and I are wrong for one another. Something happened, and it can never be put right, and that is why I am leaving.”

Owen took her hand. His eyes were a dazzling blue-green, the color of the summer sea. He looked so handsome that Joanna smiled ruefully, for how many women would have given all that they owned to be standing in her place? Yet she could never go with him, for she loved Alex too much. She would not compound her betrayal of him with another.

She freed herself gently and saw Purchase smile, too,
in wry recognition that she was going to refuse him. She did not say anything. She did not need to.

“Devil take it,” Purchase said after a moment, and there was true, deep bitterness in his voice. “The only time in my life that a woman turns me down and it is the only time that it matters.”

He raised a hand to her in farewell and walked away, his boots crunching on the gravel.

A
LEX HAD SPENT AN HOUR
that afternoon with Captain Hallows, of the frigate
Raison,
a man whom he had always deplored as a stuffed shirt and whom he disliked even more on this occasion.

“I’m anxious to be gone from this godforsaken place, Grant,” Hallows had snapped when they met in the monastery library. “The forecast is bad and the ice could close in again at any moment. We’re reprovisioning now and I intend to sail on tomorrow morning’s tide.”

“Of course,” Alex had said. “Spitsbergen is no place for the timid sailor.” He watched Hallows’s indignant face grow redder and more indignant still before the man marched off toward the harbor to rejoin his ship.

Alex then called for pen and ink, and spent a second hour composing a letter to his London lawyers concerning the arrangements for his wife’s allowance. Joanna, he thought, could take the letter with her on
Sea Witch
when she left. For a moment his thoughts veered, dark and angry, toward his wife, and then he pushed them away, for what was there to think about? Joanna had betrayed him in the most fundamental way possible, with deliberate deceit from the first. He could hardly bear to acknowledge that her perfidiousness hurt all the more because he was in love with her. That was a
weakness he fully intended to exorcise. The hard angry slashes of his pen on the parchment helped express his feelings, but he ruined three perfectly good quills and a number of sheets of paper in the process.

He spent the rest of the afternoon and evening occupied in discussions with Abbot Starostin on the practical and financial arrangements for Nina Ware’s future, for although the abbot had said there was no obligation to fulfill, Alex had insisted that there should be a formal settlement. He was still one of Nina Ware’s trustees alongside his wife and he was determined to meet his responsibilities. In terms of Ware’s so-called fortune, Alex, too, had seen the marble that Dev had brought back from Odden Bay and knew that John Hagan had claimed it as his inheritance. After a few minutes—and a conversation with the abbot—they had agreed that it would be of no practical use to Nina and therefore Alex would not oppose Hagan’s insistence on taking it back to England. Privately Alex thought that Hagan was mad to imagine that he could ever mine the stone in sufficient quantity to make a fortune, for the harsh Spitsbergen climate made a mockery of the plan. Well, Alex thought sourly, let the greedy, unprincipled bastard find that out for himself.

The discussion of business matters soothed Alex, rational and unemotional as it was, but at the back of his mind he was aware that there burned something more dangerous, hot and strong, a feeling of detestation of what Joanna had done to him and a disbelief and dismay at her betrayal of him. Yet his feelings for his wife were anything but simple. He had to accept that Joanna had shown courage and resilience on this journey beyond anything that he had expected of her. She had proved
herself truly generous in leaving Nina with her family. She was kind and loving and giving and he ached for the Joanna he had thought he was starting to know and love. He wanted to find that woman again—wanted it violently, far more than he had ever thought possible.