Whimper (8 page)

“I’m sorry,” I stammered again and headed back towards the basement steps. She needed space. I’d thrown a lot at her at once. It would be hard for anyone to absorb all of that so quickly. Hell, Brianna hadn’t even adjusted to what I’d done yet and she’d even been involved from day one. It would be better if I backed off and gave Zoe some space and time to think. Especially given that our next interaction would likely involve me jamming a needle into her vein.

My chest throbbed at the thought, the panic rising. There was no way she could be infected. She hadn’t shown any symptoms. I’d have noticed, even as doped and distracted as I’d been. I would have
noticed
.

I made it to the bottom step of the basement before my stomach heaved. Thank God there was a laundry sink down there. I never would have made it back upstairs in time. The retching continued long after the few eggs I’d eaten were gone, as if my body was trying to purge my emotions along with the food.

Eventually, as I heaved, I felt Zoe’s warm hand slide comforting circles between my shoulder blades. I didn’t want her to see me like this. It was mortifying, to be hiding in a basement puking my guts out in front of her. A part of me did find it reassuring that she’d come downstairs and was trying to comfort me. Of course, she could also have been making sure that I wasn’t dying down here. It’d be hard to explain my “already declared dead six months ago, but freshly dead again” body to the authorities.

“Thanks,” I mumbled in a strangled voice, washing my face and mouth out with cold water. Disgusting. I kept running the water, washing the evidence of my weakness down the drain. I sure wished I could do that with everything.

“Need to lie down?” Zoe asked, but her voice sounded odd. When I looked up at her, I realized she was crying. Shit. I had no clue what to do about that. Should I ignore it? Ask what was wrong? I had a pretty damn good idea what was wrong though. I’d done it. I’d brought it here.

“Hey, I’m sure you’re fine. The blood test, it’s only a precaution, okay? You don’t need to worry. If you were infected, we’d already know. It’s okay.” I reached out to touch her face, but then remembered how gross my hands probably were and pulled back.

Zoe hiccupped and wiped her eyes, smudging her mascara into dark streaks on the back of her hand. “That’s not what I’m upset about,” she sniffed. “Go lay down. You need to rest.”

I shifted a step, baffled. “But, what are you upset about then?” Maybe she’d changed her mind about wanting us to stay. “I can call Brianna now and meet her at the hotel. It’s okay.”

“Would you lie down!” she huffed, angry. “I’m upset that you’re sick, alright! I’m crying because you’re, well you’re basically dying! So even though I like you, it’s not as though we have much of a chance. It’s not like we’d have a future. It just makes me sad. Now lie down and rest!”

I was stunned into silence, my entire body frozen in place except for the almost audible slamming of my heartbeat. It beat like it was trying to fight its way out of my chest. Then, I did the only thing a rational man could do. I lay down on the bed like I’d been told. It only made sense to do that much for her.

“I’m not…Zoe, I’m not dangerous. I’m keeping the virus at bay for now, but I can’t promise you how long that will last. I’ll know before it gets out of hand though. I won’t hurt anyone. I’ve made arrangements for that.”

“What kind of arrangements?” she asked, suspicion evident in her voice.

“There’s an injection I’ve prepared. I always have it with me. It’s the red one marked ‘Ctrl-Alt-Del’. If I inject myself, or if someone else injects me, it will keep the virus from taking over.” I didn’t say that it would only prevent that because it would in no uncertain terms
kill
me. I hadn’t even told Brianna. I’d told her that it would put me into a coma until a cure could be found. It would really kill all brain functions and stop my heart. Dead. No attacking people, no hurting anyone I loved. It would just end. End for me anyway. I hated to think what it would do to Brianna, or possibly Zoe now.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Zoe asked, her head tilted and eyes narrowed. She knew somehow. “
How
does it keep the virus from taking over? Does it kill you?”

I opened my mouth to lie, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to be caught in a lie at the end. “It will kill me before I hurt anyone else. But don’t tell Brianna. She would try to stop me from doing it. I can’t bear the thought of losing myself and hurting one of you, especially not you or Brianna. I’m still up in the air about Zack,” I joked, trying to make her laugh.

“Ha ha,” she deadpanned. “You are going to do everything possible to make sure that doesn’t happen, right? This is only as a very last resort?”

I nodded. “I’m not ready to give up, and meeting you has only strengthened my resolve. I’m going to fight this with everything I have so that I can fix the mistakes I’ve made and spend as much time as possible with you.”

“You can only catch the virus through blood to blood contact, right?” Zoe asked, kind of out of the blue. “Not through saliva or anything like that?”

“Yeah, it has to be direct blood to blood transmission. Now, if two people both had bleeding cuts or sores in their mouths or something like that then it could pass along with the saliva but…” My oh-so-sexy description was cut short when Zoe pressed her lips to mine, wrapping her arms around my neck.

Oh God, this was going to complicate things so much, but I didn’t give a damn. It felt too good, too right. I groaned, losing myself in the kiss as I tangled a fist in Zoe’s hair, pulling her closer and trapping her between my body and the air mattress. We kissed hungrily, passion with a generous dash of desperation mixed in. When her hands slid under my shirt and traveled over my back and chest, I took it as an invitation to do the same. I rolled slightly to the side, pulling her with me so that I could reach the clasp of her bra strap under the soft dress that had already hiked up past her waist. Sighing with fascination, I ran my thumb over the silky smoothness of her breast and moved to kiss her lips again. She arched under me, and our mouths crashed together awkwardly, teeth clicking before we found the right rhythm. Zoe giggled, and then gasped when we both heard the front door open upstairs.

“Guess this will have to be postponed,” she sighed, swiping at her mouth with the back of her hand and attempting to rearrange her dress. Something about her hand caught my attention, and I reached out for her wrist as she struggled to re-latch her bra. A very slight red smear marred her pale skin, and all at once my nausea returned. With shaking hands, I touched my own lips to see if I was bleeding. Zoe blanched when she realized what was on her hand, touching her own face in concern.

“It’s mine! It’s not yours! It’s not your blood. I just nicked my lip a little on my tooth. I didn’t even notice it. It’s okay, Elliott!” she exclaimed, touching my face and shoulders, trying to draw a reaction from me. I’d gone blank, too focused on the maelstrom of thoughts and emotions raging inside my own skull to even respond to her. Slowly, I backed away and retreated to the freezer. My body temp hadn’t even started climbing, I simply needed space. I had to get…away. I had to get away from all of this.

I sat inside the freezer, not bothering to turn on a light. Zoe was the only thing that made me feel alive while I was busy dying. But humans are so damn fragile. What if I was the next to bleed? What if I killed her right along with the rest of the world? Surely that would send me straight to a special spot in hell. God damn it! As if I wasn’t in a special hell already.

I must have drifted off in the freezer, because the next thing I knew Brianna was standing over me, hands on her hips and the light glaring from an overhead bulb. A pile of my own clothes slammed down beside me.

“Zoe is out there wringing her hands and worrying that she did something to make you worse. I don’t want to get into the middle of it, but I will if you make me. Zack and I already brought everything in and I’ve set it up. You have work to do. Now get your ass up, and stop feeling sorry for yourself!”

Shivering, I hauled myself off the cold metal floor of the freezer. I think I gave myself frostbite zipping the fly of my jeans before I stumbled out the door. It was still nice to wear my own clothes, and after spending time in the freezer, the basement air felt downright balmy.

The air bed had been moved aside to make room for card tables set up along the wall containing my equipment. My microscope, centrifuge, autoclave and various other devices covered the table top, all plugged in and ready for use. Brianna, Zack, and Zoe all loitered nearby, quietly watching me. I wasn’t sure what they expected me to do or say. Even though I owed an explanation to Zoe, it was easier to avoid the topic and slip into “professional” mode. I kept my back to them, gathering my supplies and preparing the syringes to draw samples. I pulled a thin latex band out of my bag, pocketed sample tubes, and snagged a needle.

“Zoe, why don’t you have a seat and I’ll take a few samples. I’ll run a few tests and we’ll know for sure what we’re dealing with, okay?” I requested. Even I could hear the distance, the detachment, in my voice.

Zack pulled one of the folding chairs out and set it down for Zoe, patting her on the shoulder as she brushed past. It was one of the first “brotherly” gestures I’d seen him make, but neither seemed aware that it had happened.

“We?” Zoe asked, looking up at me. “Are
we
really dealing with it?” I flinched a little, but avoided the conversation by tying the stretchy band around her arm, just below the elbow. Slipping on surgical gloves, I gently touched the smooth skin of her arm, feeling for a vein. Once I was certain I’d found a good spot to draw from, I inserted the syringe, and popped the vacuum tube onto the needle. Dark red blood bubbled into the tube, slowly filling it. I filled four tubes so that I wouldn’t have to do this again. I hated having to hurt Zoe, and didn’t want her to have any more open wounds than absolutely necessary.

Once the tubes were filled, I slipped the needle out and pressed a cotton ball to the wound. “Just hold that there for a minute while I get you a bandage, okay?” I asked, keeping my voice soft.

“You’re good at that. I barely felt the needle,” Zoe murmured, staring at the tubes of blood in my hand.

I nodded, uncomfortable with her praise. I popped the tubes into the centrifuge, locked it down, and flipped the switch. While the samples spun, separating the blood into plasma and red blood cells, I found a bandage.

I opened the wrapping, smoothing it over her skin until I was certain that it was sealed to my satisfaction. Plus, it was another excuse to touch her, but with safe boundaries.

“I think it’s as stuck as it’s ever going to get,” Zoe observed, a smile on her face as I traced the edge of the bandage with my fingers one more time, wishing that I wasn’t wearing the gloves so that I could actually feel the satin of her skin under my fingers.

Zack and Brianna chuckled behind us, and my eyes jumped to them. They weren’t laughing at me after all, but engrossed in their own conversation. Gazing into each other’s eyes, he leaned towards her, one hand brushing her arm. I should have felt protective of my sister, and I did to a certain extent, of course. But mostly, I felt jealousy. They had a chance to do all the things that I’d never live to do. Sure, I’d made this choice. That didn’t make me feel better about it.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned back to my makeshift lab space. I understood this. I could handle research. Whatever was between me and Zoe? That was far more chaotic and confusing. The centrifuge shut down, and I moved on to preparing my slides for analysis. I wanted to be absolutely certain that Zoe was healthy, so I focused entirely on the task at hand. If the virus was in her blood, I’d find it. After I knew that she was okay, I’d move on to the other samples.

Zack and Brianna lost interest pretty quickly and wandered out of the basement together once Elliott started working with his equipment. I knew I should go find something else to do, but it was Sunday, so the bar was closed, and after yesterday’s drama…Well, I didn’t really want to go back by myself, but I didn’t want to have to ask anyone to tag along either. Plus, I was enjoying watching Elliott work. He was completely focused and obviously more in his element than I’d ever seen him. Every move he made was confident and controlled. It somehow reminded me of watching my uncle Rick with his microbrewery in the basement of Firebrand.

I could tell that his hands had performed the same tasks thousands of times. He didn’t have to think about what he was doing, he just did it. I wasn’t sure there was anything I was that competent at. Maybe someday I’d get to that point with the bar, but that wasn’t exactly in the same caliber as the work Elliott did. I barely understood why he would be interested in me. I could never hope to understand a fraction of what he did professionally. I passed high school Biology and Chemistry, but Elliott obviously operated on a level light years beyond that.

I tucked my feet up on the edge of my seat, clasping my arms around my knees as I watched Elliott move from one machine to the next. He was studying slides under two different microscopes, moving back and forth between the two and taking notes. I enjoyed the view, but staring at his back while waiting for news was getting old, plus the metal folding chair was making my butt go numb.