Wherever You Go (16 page)

He nods.

"Maybe I miss Rob."

Your heart catches in your chest. You feel that glowing feeling again, your energy radiating out but reaching nowhere. If you could, you'd wrap Holly in your arms.

"Everything is different now. Harder. You know?" Her expression seems to say that she doesn't want to burden him.

Aldo smiles softly. "Go to sleep."

She looks surprised at his command but nestles back under the covers, watching her grandfather. He lowers himself into the chair, trying to get comfortable, and then he does the thing you cannot do, will not ever do again—he reaches out and takes her hand.

"Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine," he says, more to you than to her.

And you fade out to find another place to perch, another place to rest your mind.

Another place not to sleep.

***

"Wait. Let me get this straight: you guys kissed?" Marisa said, barely containing her glee.

"Yeah."

The cafeteria was just starting to fill with kids for our lunch period. I didn't see Jason yet, but I supposed he'd find us soon. In chem that morning, I'd focused on small talk and jetted out the door before he could offer to walk with me. I knew it wasn't fair to avoid him, but I'd wrestled all night with what to do and still had no good plan. And already I'd been getting some attention in the hallway, like people knew what had happened between us. That they had seen us together. That we were a thing. Or a something.

Marisa snapped her fingers. "Lady! He took you for a burger yesterday and you made out, and you didn't call me? What is wrong with you?"

"It's not like that, exactly," I said.

"Well, how is it?" Marisa took a bite of her sandwich and chewed it cheerfully.

"I felt weird. I guess there's no other way to describe it."

"I know it's not like you went through a breakup with Rob, but life does go on. Eventually you date someone else and it starts to feel normal. It's like that every time you break up and then start dating a new guy." She took a sip of her sparkling water.

"Right." Marisa lowered the bottle. "I'm sorry. I cI'm and then guess I forgot that Rob was the first."

"And the only, really," I added. I set down my apple.

"Well, it was a while ago, but it happened to me," Marisa said. "That guy Sam from freshman year, remember? My mom hated him, even though we invited him over for dinner and stuff all the time."

"I can't picture your mom hating anyone."

"He made fun of her accent once. It wasn't pretty," Marisa said. "I dumped him, and after that I found Scott Ryder. It was weird the first time we kissed. I kept thinking of Sam. But luckily it turned out that Scott was a much better kisser, and I forgot everything about Sam after that."

"Wasn't Scott the one who broke up with you right before Valentine's?"

Marisa threw up her hands. "Yes. But that is not the point. Are you listening to me? It's not going to be the same ever. You can't wish it back the way it was and have it happen."

"I know," I said quietly.

Marisa reached across the table and patted my hand. "Was it that bad? The kiss, I mean."

"No." I didn't tell her how amazing it had been, about how I could barely find the handle of the car door, about how my lips tingled afterward, until they sipped the chocolate shake. About how I'd freaked a little. "It was nice."

"If I were your therapist, which I'm not, of course, I would tell you that these things take time. My mom is always repeating that to me when I want things to be easy or smooth or to fall into place."

"I miss your mom," I said.

"She wants you to come over for dinner sometime soon. She wants to make some chicken
tikka
for you—teach you the recipe, probably. She knows that I'll never learn it. She likes that you're smart, you know."

"I'm not smart."

"Sheesh. You are supersmart, you idiot." Marisa rolled her eyes and took another sip of her sparkling water. "You've been so wrapped up in all this Rob dying stuff, you didn't notice you're in some pretty smart classes, apparently."

"I guess."

"Well, they're a lot more challenging than my fashion merchandising class, I'm sure. That Mrs. Dolan is totally out of it. She thinks we all want to work at the mall when we grow up. She has no idea that some of us are thinking bigger."

"That's cool that you know you want to be a designer," I said.

"Yeah, too bad my dad wants me to be a software engineer like him," Marisa said. "He doesn't care that I suck at math."

"I don't know what I wa cnowe that nt to do anymore. Or what's going to happen with anything."

"Well, then, maybe you just shouldn't worry about you and Jason. Just worry about you. That's easy enough, right?"

"Yeah."

"And in the meantime, you can see what happens."

"That's the hardest thing to do," I said.

"I know. But isn't it exciting, too? I mean, how cool would it be if it works out with you and Jason, right? He's cute, kind, smart, quiet. Seriously, I don't know why he doesn't have a girlfriend. I mean, well, I guess he does now." She gave me a little smile.

"This is all just weird," I said, biting into my apple again. "It's not what I thought was going to happen."

"And that's a good thing," Marisa said. "If you were going to be doing the same thing and be alone for the rest of this life, it'd get pretty boring."

"Yeah." I stared off into the crowd moving toward the lunch line. I didn't see Jason, and that was just fine. I needed some time to think about what Marisa said.

It's funny how nothing can happen for a long, long time and then everything comes all at once. Grandpa Aldo, Jason, having to think about what kind of a future I wanted for myself. It almost made me long for the time when things were easier, when I was just sad and life ground on day after day. The thing about all the stuff swirling around me was that it was all stuff that had to be dealt with in some way. And I didn't see any rest in sight.

"Hey, wait up." Mark flagged Jason down as he headed out to the parking lot after last period.

Jason paused at his friend's locker, scanning the crowd of kids flooding out onto the sidewalk. He'd missed Holly at lunch, and now he was going to lose his chance of giving her a ride home.

"What's up?" He gave Mark a playful shove.

Mark smiled. "Couple of us are going to have a pickup game out at the park later. You in?"

"Nah. I got this thing," he said.

"Yeah?" Mark stuffed his Mariners cap on his mess of dark hair and slammed his locker shut. His bag was anemic, like there wasn't a single thing inside of it but a Pee-Chee folder or two. Jason adjusted his own bag, heavy with books, on his shoulder. "A thing, huh?"

"Got some plans."

Mark gave him a sly smile. "Hanging out with that Holly girl, huh?"

"That Holly girl?" Jason couldn't keep an icy edge from his voice.

"What?" Mark said, adjusting his cap. "A few weeks ago you were talking shit about her with the rest of us, and now..."

"I wasn't talking shit about her," Jason said. He stifled the urge to punch the crap out of his so-called friend. Mark didn't deserve to see him get angry, to let him get under his skin.

"Hmm. Well, maybe I'm remembering it wrong"—Mark nodded his head thoughtfully—"but I'm pretty sure we were all on the same page about that one."

"Okay, later." Jason started down the hall, weaving his way through kids like they were obstacle cones, but Mark caught right up.

"Wait, man—I get it, all right? You really like her, huh? When I saw you with her in the parking lot yesterday, that's what it seemed like."

Jason gave Mark a hard look. "I've gotta go. I told you I've got a thing later. Okay? I can't hang out with you guys tonight." It wasn't even worth it to explain what he had going. Mark didn't deserve another opening to razz him for anything.

"I'm not saying you can't like who you like."

"Thanks," Jason said.

"C'mon. You know what I'm talking about."

Jason stopped in his tracks and stared at Mark. "What? She dated Rob, so no one else can ever like her?"

"Dude." Mark looked back at him, his face completely blank. Jason thought back to last week, when Mark had seemed to get it, that Holly wasn't to blame for what had happened to Rob any more than Mark was. Maybe less, even. Mark's expression made him wonder if that conversation had all been a dream.

"I thought we went over this the other night," Jason said, deciding to call him on it. Deciding that he couldn't stand Mark's fakeness or denial, or whatever this was.

"Yeah," Mark muttered. He scratched at his forearm, avoiding Jason's gaze now.

Jason pulled his keys out from his backpack and clicked the locks on the Audi. "Okay, so, maybe you're jealous. Is that what this is?"

"Jealous?" Mark let out a little laugh. "Right. Just watching out for you, man." He clapped Jason on the back and gave his shoulder a push. "Damn, you're so serious! You looked like you wanted to kick my ass just then. All over a stupid girl. Nice."

"Yeah," Jason said, still not forgiving him. "See ya."

"Hey, you gotta go meet her now or something? What's your rush?"

Jason sighed. "Why? You want me to drop you somewhere?"

"Um..." Mark nodded sheepishly. "They took away my ride again. Screwed up a precalc test."

"Nah. I got a line on a tutor. She's coming over later tonight."

"I bet she is. Put on your seat belt."

Mark shook his head but clicked the strap into place. "You're such a grandma."

"Whatever. Best friend dies in a crash, you wear a seat belt."

Mark leaned forward in the seat and fiddled with the stereo. "You don't have to remind me."

"Yeah, I do." Jason revved the Audi and they zipped out of the parking lot.

"It's not like I don't think about him," Mark said, rolling down the window. "I miss him."

"Me too."

"He had it all. His life was perfect," Mark said.

"Maybe."

"C'mon. Dude had it all figured out, and he was a good guy," Mark said, sounding annoyed. "Everyone loved him."

"Maybe too much," Jason said.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You didn't see how people treated him different, how he could do no wrong?"

"Now who's jealous?" Mark said.

Jason shrugged. Maybe his friend had a point there. How many times had he wished he had Rob's smooth confidence with girls, his easy way of convincing teachers to give him an extra day on an assignment, the coach to put him in as a starter? Rob had never been awkward. He'd never seemed nervous or unsure about anything. Until last summer.

"Do you think," Jason said slowly, "that Rob seemed different before he died?"

"What do you mean?"

Jason pulled out from the stop sign. "He sure wasn't acting like his perfect self then."

"C'mon. He was just pissed his dad was pushing him about college again."

Jason signaled for the turn ahead. "You don't think it's weird? Perfect family, on track to go to Yale like his dad, pretty girlfriend, star athlete. How do you go from that to dead?"

"That's life, I guess," Mark offered, scooching down into his seat.

Jason gritted his teeth. "It's freaking lame is what it is."

"Yeah, so it's lame. What can we do about it now? cbous new romaYou think I have some deep answers to reveal?" Mark laughed again. "I thought you knew me better than that. Seriously, though, you've obviously been thinking about him a lot. It's from hanging around with her, huh?"

"I don't know," Jason said, making the left turn onto McCallister Road. "Maybe because we all have stuff going for us like he did, and it can all go away in a second."

"Um, I'm not going to Yale," Mark said.

"I don't mean we're exactly like him, you dumbass." Jason stopped at a crosswalk to let some little girls on bikes roll by. Then he gunned it up the hill, only letting his foot off the gas as they rounded the curve.
Rob's curve.

Mark shifted in his seat, eyes forward, away from the view of the guardrail on their left. "If you're looking for some lesson in a great guy biting the big one," he said, "I think it's carpe diem—that seize the day crap. Don't die unhappy."

"Okay, so—you think Rob died unhappy?" Jason said, finally pulling into Mark's driveway.

"Like I would know."

"Bullshit. You were there too—all those weeks before the accident, that night. Did Rob seem happy to you?"

"I don't know, I guess so. He was always up for a good time. You know how he was." Mark gave him a frustrated look. "Dude, how does that matter? I don't get it."

"You and I have this image of Rob, but maybe it was all crap," Jason said.

"Oh, great. What are you trying to do, change history, make him out to be some kind of loser we didn't know at all? That's the real bullshit," Mark said, his eyes hard.