Where You Can Find Me (9 page)

I gave a small humorless laugh remembering seeing my giant brother cry. “Jameson has never cried. At least not in front of me. I had never seen him cry when either of our parents died or when Asher died. So to see him sitting there sobbing, begging me to not kill myself was the reality check I needed. It was so simple and I think it was a combination of everything finally bottoming out, and him showing me how much he needed me there made me realize I was wasting away pointlessly. It made me realize how ashamed Asher would be of me.” I took a deep cleansing breath. “After that I got it together. I started focusing on the things I had left and made me feel happy. I loved science and I didn’t want to waste my degree and all my research. I loved Jameson and didn’t
ever
want to watch him fall apart again. I started seeing a therapist and going to AA meetings. I even started working out. I became the crazy girl who does CrossFit. Nothing is quite as therapeutic as throwing some heavy weights around.”

I could feel Jack chuckle at my confession. “I stopped drinking for a while but realized that I no longer had a problem with alcohol so I carefully started drinking again a few years ago. Jameson of course still worries, but I never drink that much anymore. I have a lot more control over myself now.” I took another breath and finally turned to look at him. “So yeah, that’s my story.”

I didn’t see any pity, thank goodness. I only saw sadness and understanding for everything I had been through. He pulled me closer, giving me a hug, making sure I was okay. More for him than for me. Either way, it made me feel good. Hugs were great, but Jack’s were exceptional. He pulled back and placed a hand on my cheek brushing the tear tracks from my face with his thumb. “You are an extraordinary woman. I don’t know how I got so lucky to find you, but I’m damn glad I did.”

He leaned down, and kissed me softly on the lips.

Pulling back he looked in my eyes before leaning in again and held the kiss a little longer.

On the third press of his lips to mine I pushed my fingers in the thick wavy strands at the back of his skull and held him close. After my confession and emotional loss of control I needed something to remind me of how happy I was now. I needed Jack to make love to me again. So I slipped my tongue out to lick at his lips. With a moan deep in his throat he rolled on top of me.

The first time we made love that night it expressed possession and staked a claim. This time showed tenderness and caring and so much affection I could feel my heart near bursting. I held it close in the aftermath as he held me close and we drifted away to sleep.

B
zzzz
….. Bzzzz ….. Bzzzz.

Jack rolled away from me to answer his phone. As he pulled away he took the warmth with him leaving a cold chill that fully woke me up.

Groggily, he answered, “Ello?”

I curled up tighter in a ball on my side and pulled the blankets with me trying to stay warm as I heard a voice on the other end of the phone.

“Another one? Are you sure it’s the same guy?”

I felt Jack tense and begin moving out of bed to find his clothes. I rolled over to see what was going on and saw his eyebrows furrowed. The conversation didn’t sound pleasant and I couldn’t help but be curious if it had to do with the case Jack was working with the police. Was it another murder? Just the thought of it sent chills down my spine. The thought of Jack being a part of such a gruesome case and placing himself in the sights of a possible serial killer made my stomach churn. What if something happened to him? What if I lost him?

“Where at?” He paused, looking up at me while he pulled on his pants. “Okay. I’ll be there in a few.”

My mind started turning toward the worst-case scenario and I knew I needed to stop that train. I couldn’t do this to myself or I would be alone forever.

After he hung up he pulled his shirt on and gave me an apologetic look knowing he had to leave me so soon after our night together.

“This is not how I wanted our morning to go.” He placed a knee on the bed and leaned in toward me. I sat there with the blankets clutched around my shoulders waiting for his kiss. “I wanted to wake you up with kisses.” He pecked my lips. “All over your body. Ending in between your thighs. I wanted you to wake up to an orgasm from my tongue.” My breath puffed out of me against his lips that brushed against mine as he spoke. “Then I would have mounted you and fucked you hard to make sure you were nice and awake. And while you would have laid there exhausted, once I was done with you, I would have made you breakfast and coffee.”

He really needed to stop talking, otherwise I would keep him here and make him late. In the breathiest, sluttiest voice I could muster I leaned toward him and replied, “I can’t believe,” kiss, “that I’m missing out,” kiss, moan, “on,” kiss, “coffee made for me.” I rolled away with a wink, leaving him leaning over with a dropped jaw. “I mean, I’m sure the oral sex would have been okay. But coffee?” I closed my eyes and bit my lip for effect while I moaned. “Coffee is the
only
thing I need in the morning. Who needs a man when you can have a hug in a mug?”

I opened my eyes just in time for Jack to tackle me to the bed as I let out a yelp in surprise. “You don’t need me, eh?” He began tickling my ribs. Laughs tore from my throat and I gasped for breath, trying to remain stubborn and true to my word.

“No!” I squeezed out between laughs. “I don’t! All I need is ... coffee!”

He tickled me harder.

“Stop! Oh my gosh! Stop!” Tears began rolling down my cheeks from laughing. “Please!”

“Not until you tell me you need me to eat your pussy more than coffee.”

“Never!” I couldn’t breathe. Being tickled was the worst. “Coffee!” My short air supply reduced me to gasping words.

“Say it! You need me! Say it!”

After holding out for another ten seconds I relented. “Alright, alright!”

“Alright, what?” He finally stopped the tickling and pinned my hands up by my head, looking in my eyes, waiting for an answer.

I stared back, pausing for a moment to be amazed by his blue eyes and the happiness I saw there. Not just his happiness, but mine too.

Barely whispering, I gave him what he demanded. “Alright. I need you.”

A smile lit up his whole face, beginning in the creases around his eyes. His irises lightened to a brighter blue, until finally his lips lifted and the lines in his cheeks appeared. He leaned down for a quick peck and said, “Good. I need you too.” And with that he rolled off of me and proceeded to collect his things. “Now stay relaxed in bed. I’m sure you’re sore after being with me last night.” He delivered that line with a cheesy ass grin and a wink.

“Oh yes.” I fell back dramatically and threw my arm over my eyes. “I’ll be surprised if I’m able to walk today.”

“Well, I hope it was worth it.” I pulled my arm back and gave an enthusiastic nod. Then his eyebrows lowered and the smile slipped to a serious line. “I really am sorry that I have to leave like this. I wouldn’t if it wasn’t an emergency. But I promise to give you a call later and we can make plans for this week. Okay?”

I leaned up on my elbows and nodded my head. “Just be careful, okay? I just…” I looked down trying to formulate what I wanted to say. “I just want you to stay safe and I’m sure tracking a killer can put you in a line of danger. So … just be safe.”

He sat down on the bed and pulled me up into his arms for a hug. “You have nothing to worry about; I’m safe. I’m technically not even on the case. No one knows.”

“Okay.”

“Alright. I’m out of here, but I will talk to you soon.” He gave me a lingering kiss before letting himself out.

L
ater that day
I found myself sitting on my couch with Evie. The fire warmed us as we drank our wine and let the TV drone on in the background.

“I haven’t seen you in for-ev-er,” she dragged out like the kid from
The Sandlot.
“I can only imagine it’s because of the new man in your life. You’ve been a tight-lipped bitch about him, too. Is it because you’re in love with him and are already planning to run away and have his babies?” She drained her wine glass with a theatrical eye roll, not at all impressed with that theory. “Or is it because he is hung like a micro-machine and you’re ashamed to admit it?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her highly concerned look. Her eyes pleaded with me to agree with the in love option. “God, Evie. I missed you these past few weeks.” Her eyebrows rose, waiting for a response. “It’s neither of those. I’m
not
in love with him and he is
not
hung like a micro-machine.”

“Oh, thank God!” She heaved a big sigh and laid her hand over her chest as she continued to speak with total sincerity. “I was worried. I think a micro-machine penis would be the worst. I’m not sure we could be friends. I would never be able to meet him without laughing. It would be horrible. I would have to give you gifts like a magnifying glass and those weird finger condoms. Christmas would be a mess.”

We both laughed for a bit as we continued on about the horrors of a small dick. As our laughter settled, Evie’s eyes turned serious. “I know I’ve been busy and we haven’t had time to talk a whole lot, but I’m here now and I have been denied information long enough. I’m assuming he is someone serious because you are so quiet about him. Usually you’re more open about your adventures with guys and I can only assume you feel different for Jack because you are acting different.”

She was right. She tried to grill me after seeing me at our family dinner so long ago when I’d been obsessively checking my phone, but I remained evasive. I gave her his name and that we were hanging out. I told her I would let her know when it became more but that I didn’t really want to talk about it. I never told her about when we had sex in the bathroom. I felt embarrassed at first, then I just became possessive of our time together and didn’t want to share. Mostly, I still felt a little embarrassed, even though I knew Evie would give me a high five and cheer on my adventures.

“So I’ve let you stew, but you have this happy look about you and I need to know now. I have time to listen and I don’t have anymore patience. Spill it, chica.”

I finished the last of my wine and set it on the coffee table before turning to face her. “There isn’t much to say.” I looked down at my fiddling thumbs and chanced a peek to see her giving me a “don’t lie to me” look. Eyebrow raised and all. “Ugh! Fine!” I heaved a big cleansing sigh. I didn’t understand my hesitance to talk about him. Evie was my best friend and she knew everything about me. Why couldn’t I just blurt it out?

“Are you serious right now?” Evie’s voice was almost a shout and she threw her hands up with a laugh. I leaned back with wide eyes, wondering what the hell was going on. She leveled a serious look at me even though the smile still remained on her lips. She had a little bit of incredulity in her eyes too. “Jesus Christ.” She drug it out slowly as if making a discovery. “You fucking
like
him.”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Of course I like him, Evie. I’m dating him aren’t I?”

“No.” She shook her head with a shit eating grin on her face. Breathing out a small chuckle she dropped her bomb. “No. I changed my mind. You don’t just like him. You fucking love him.”

“What?” My eyebrows drew together as a panicked smile spread my lips. My eyes rolled twice as hard as before. But this
, this
was the reason I didn’t want to talk about it with Evie. She forced her honesty on me and I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want her assessment.

“Don’t ‘what?
’
me. This is the reason you’ve been so quiet. Because I would see that dreamy ass look in your eyes and know that it was more. And I would call you on that shit and you would be forced to deal with it.” She rolled her eyes and murmured, “God forbid.”

“That’s not it at all, Evie.” I held strong to my denial.

She leaned forward to grab the bottle of wine and refilled our glasses. “Of course that’s what it is. And you like him. More than like him. Maybe I am off base on the love thing, but you do feel differently about him than any others. I can tell because you usually tell me their dick size by now and how they used it. But with Jack you’re different; you’re private. When you care about someone you keep them close.” She took a sip of her wine. “Shit, maybe you don’t want to jinx it or whatever lame ass excuse you’ve come up with.” She used the hand holding the wine glass and pointed her finger at me raising her eyebrows, giving me that “don’t give me shit” look again. “Either way, it’s more and if you don’t love him, then you are well on your way to loving him.”

We stared at each other for a minute before I grabbed my glass of wine with jerky movements and drained it in one gulp. I set my glass on the table and continued leaning forward, elbows on my knees. Softly, I began to speak the truth. “I’m falling in love and I’m terrified it will destroy me.”

Evie leaned closer to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. “It wouldn’t be love if it didn’t.”

I turned my head and saw the understanding on her face. We both smiled and I sat back on the couch to get comfy to spill all the details to my friend. I still left out some parts, but I shared the majority of the last month, including last night and that I shared my secrets. I think her eyeballs almost popped out of her head when I told her he used to be military. She laughed about how much of an ass kicking Jameson was going to get for hinting to Jack about my past. She gave me her best puppy dog eyes when I wouldn’t give her details on the sex other than that it was hot as hell.

We sat there catching up on the past month until something on the news caught my eye. The newscaster began talking about the murders that had been occurring more frequently. This must have been what the phone call was about that took Jack away this morning.

“Another body was found last night in an abandoned factory near West Sixth Street. The victim has been identified as Isaac Belvue, a thirty-eight-year old man who was last seen leaving Pulse Nightclub last Saturday night. Friends and co-workers reported him missing when they hadn’t heard from him by Tuesday. His sister said she stopped by his apartment and it hadn’t been touched all week.

“It has now been confirmed by a source with the police that these murders are related. People have begun to suspect that these murders were connected based on similarities between the cases and their close proximities. The victims were only identified by dental records due to the state of their bodies.”

“It’s just horrifying that these things are happening.” Evie’s face showed both shock and disgust as she watched the news program unfold. She turned to me with pleading eyes, “Promise me you are being safe and not walking to your car alone at night when you get off work late.”

“Of course not. Jack insisted that I have one of the security guards walk me to my car if I get off and it’s dark. He actually wants me to have them walk me to my car every time I get off work,” I informed her with an eye-roll. I continued to watch the TV as they switched to a reporter at the scene of the crime.

The outside of the building had busted out windows and faded brick, much like most of the older factories in Cincinnati. Caution tape blocked off the broken up concrete parking lot where the police swarmed the premises. I could see Detective Daniels talking to a younger cop. The camera panned back and I clearly saw Jack standing stiffly with his eyebrows drawn low over his eyes and a scowl marring his face as he stared down the younger cop next to the Detective. The younger cop, just a couple inches shorter than Jack but lacking in the same muscle, turned to face him and smirked, almost taunting Jack. Jack’s eyes widened as he drew in a deep breath and looked as though he was barely containing his rage. Another man, not in uniform, stepped up beside Jack and placed his hand on Jack’s shoulder and leaned in to whisper in his ear. The camera moved back to the reporter describing the scene.

Evie must have seen the look on my face because she placed a hand on my shoulder and with a little shake asked, “Hey girl, you okay? You look like you’re really bothered by this. Why don’t we just turn it off?”

She reached for the remote, but I placed a hand on her arm to stop her. I wanted to keep watching just in case I saw Jack again. Who was the guy that leaned in? It seemed to have calmed him down some. I didn’t get to see his face, but something about his profile seemed familiar. Maybe it was Jack’s partner, Grayson, who he always talked about. Either way, I felt my heartbeat kick up with the thought of Jack being on the news around the murder scene.

I knew the thoughts that rushed through my head tipped toward extreme, but I had learned that sometimes the most extreme possibilities that you never thought could happen to you were possible. I didn’t want the world to be swept out from under my feet, so sometimes I gave in to the irrational, extreme possibilities. I had just begun opening up to Jack; I wasn’t ready to lose him. Just this morning he told me not to worry because no one knew he worked the case. And yet now, on the news, he appeared for anyone to see. I tried to let the thoughts pass, assuring myself of the improbability of anything bad happening, but at the same time, a small number of them had taken root in my mind and wouldn’t let go.

Evie’s eyebrows scrunched in concern as she looked at me and tried to understand why I had a look of panic on my face. I had to tell her something before she called Jameson and told him I was losing my shit. “That’s Jack. On the TV. Working the murder. He said no one would know so he wasn’t in any danger and yet there he is. On live television for anyone, including the murderer, to see.” It all came out in a whispered, rushed sentence while I pointed him out to her.

Evie scooted a little closer and squeezed my shoulder. “Okaaay.” She dragged it out as she tried to understand my reaction. “Lu, there are a lot of people on the TV. It’s not like the murderer is remembering every person on TV right now. I mean, look at all those cops. There has to be at least a bajillion of them walking around. No murderer would try to kill
all
of them.” Evie shook her head with pursed lips raised eyebrows, as though she was about to impart obvious information. “I mean that would just be exhausting and where is the fun in that?” With a smile she leaned in, “Amiright?”

I couldn’t help but laugh and roll my eyes at her horrifying sense of humor. “Of course you’re right. You know, you really are horrible. And I’m horrible for laughing at you. I’m going to hell.” I sighed in defeat and let my shoulders fall.

“Don’t worry chica, I will be there to pick you up with tequila.” She winked at me before we both turned to finish watching the news report. My nerves were a lot more calm now that she called me out on being a basket case.

“Right now, there has been no forthcoming information on who may be behind these murders, though police are speculating it could be gang-related or drug trafficking. There has been no connection established between any of the victims. The police are asking that everyone take precautions to remain safe. Our I-team at News Five will be working around the clock to help keep the people of Cincinnati informed.”

After the news switched to the weatherman, I turned off the television. Some of the worry must have lingered in my eyes because Evie reached over and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. Her hugs felt the best. Better than anyone’s I knew. They gave me strength and got me through the toughest times. “Don’t worry, chica. I’m sure he will be fine. Besides, from what you told me he is one hot, strong, security badass.” She leaned back and placed her palms on my cheeks, looking me in the eyes, making sure I heard what she was about to say. “Just because you have loved and lost, doesn’t mean every time you love you will lose again. Be the strong, brave woman I know you are.” She leaned in and pecked me on the forehead and then, pulling back, slapped my cheek a little. “Besides, you love the hell out of me and you will
never
lose me. I’m like herpes. Never really gone.” She ended her deep speech with a wink and a gun hand gesture and I laughed at her disgusting analogy.

“You’re lucky you have me to laugh at your crazy comments. But someday you will find a man just as equally disturbed as you. I’m sure you two will be happy with each other.”

Something crossed her features, but left before I could pinpoint it. Her face settled into a look that I know had made many men crumble at her feet and beg for just one night with her. “And until then, if ever, I will test out all the cocks of the land and find my favorites!”

I raised my refilled wine glass and shouted out a “Hear! Hear!”

We clinked our glasses together and drained them in one gulp. After a little more time indulging in girl-talk, Evie let me know she had to get going. The next day was Sunday and while I could sleep in to my heart’s content, Evie could not. She said that lately, she found her best inspiration in the morning, so she needed her beauty sleep. We said our goodbyes and I refilled my wine glass before sitting in one of my high-backed armchairs by the fire.

I picked up my latest research paper I had been reading earlier in the day and tried to get into it. The wine all of sudden hit me and I began to feel drowsy. As my eyes grew heavier, I set my paper down to rest my eyes for a moment.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I awoke to the sound of my door being knocked on and my fire just a pile of ash and smoke.

I jerked when the doorbell rang and looked at the clock on the shelf to see it was just past midnight. I had slept for almost three hours. My heart raced with the possibility of who could be at my door. I grabbed my phone and made sure it was on. Hesitantly and quietly I made my way to the door and looked out the peep hole. With a sigh of relief I opened the door to Jack. But when my gaze made it to his face, the smile forming around my lips faded. He stepped into the light of my entry, illuminating the shadow and swelling around his left eye.