Where You Can Find Me (15 page)

“I’m going to get some blankets. You can sleep on the couch and I’ll sleep on the floor.”

The relief of not being alone lifted a weight from my chest and caused a surge of tears to burn my eyes. I just looked at him and thought about telling him he didn’t have to do that. Instead, I nodded my head and felt grateful to have a brother who knew me well enough to not leave me alone. We left the TV on and I begrudgingly fell asleep to dreams of torture and loss.

I
woke
up to the sounds and smells of Jameson making coffee. I rolled over on the couch and looked at the clock on the cable box to see that it was already after eight. After tossing and turning all night I finally fell asleep a little after four. I stumbled my way off the couch and walked up to the small counter off of the kitchen to watch Jameson poor us each a bowl of cereal. Cereal always comforted me when I was stressed. He placed the bowl of Lucky Charms and a coffee cup in front me and added milk to both. I took my stuff back to the couch and soon he joined me before turning on HGTV.

He didn’t waste time with small talk and trying to bring me out of my shell. He just gave me my comforts and let me sit in silence. He knew I would talk when I was ready. But when would that be? When would I ever be ready to talk about seeing a murder scene? When would I be able to process seeing someone like that when I first met her laughing and flirting with Jack and Grayson?
Whitney.
How did I try to come to understand that? It was one thing to hear about strangers on the news and another completely to come into such close contact with the murder victim.

I didn’t think I would ever be able to understand that.

So instead, I sat there and ate my Lucky Charms and clutched my coffee to my chest to warm me up while we binge watched
House Hunters
. It didn’t last long before Jack and Grayson came to Jameson’s to take me home. I could hear the angry rumble of Jameson questioning Jack but I just waited. I didn’t want to move. I should’ve gone to the door and hugged him and asked him how the rest of the night went, but I wasn’t eager to face the events from the previous night. So I put it off, waiting for him to come and get me.

“Hey, Lu.” Jack came around the couch and sat down next to me, putting his arms around me and pulling me in for a hug. I glimpsed Grayson in the corner before burrowing into Jack’s chest. In that moment, I could have broken down in his arms. I almost did. Panic began to rise up my throat and tighten my chest as tears burned the back of my eyes. Taking a deep, shaky breath, my fingers clutched his shoulders, bunching up his shirt. When I finally felt like I completely controlled my emotions, I pulled back and gave him a quick kiss before asking him how he was doing.

“I’m fine, babe. I’m more worried about you.”

I gave him the best smile I could muster and shook my head. “Don’t worry about me. I had cereal this morning and a wonderful hug in a mug. I’m all good.”

My hug in a mug comment drew a chuckle from him and even if it was forced, the smile and laugh eased some of the ache in my chest. “Well, how about Grayson and I take you home? Maybe pick up some lunch on the way? My girl needs more sustenance than cereal.”

As I hugged Jameson goodbye, he clung to me a little bit tighter than usual and I almost caved to my emotions again. There was something about being in the arms of someone you trusted that made you want to let it all out. But I also needed to hold my shit together. With a quick kiss on his cheek and a whispered “thank you,” I pulled out of his arms and left with Jack and Grayson.

The drive home was made in silence. We stopped to pick up lunch from Penn Station because the guys hadn’t eaten since the night before and I needed more comfort food in the form of fresh squeezed lemonade and French fries. We parked and headed to the house, passing Grayson’s truck already sitting in my driveway. Apparently, they’d dropped it off before coming to get me since it was on the way.

Once inside, they plopped down at the table and commenced to annihilate their sandwiches. Even watching my two brothers eat while growing up hadn’t made me used to the way men ate. Or the amount they ate. By the time they were done, I had barely made a dent in my French fries. We finally progressed on to small talk, but it didn’t last long before Grayson asked me how I was after last night.

“I’m not going to lie, Grayson. Pretty fucking freaked out. But what can I say? What can I complain about? I’m alive, right?”

“That’s a fair response. More positive than most.” He seemed impressed with my ability to avoid being a blubbering mess and, honestly, so was I. “That’s pretty sexy of you to be that strong. Most people
would
be a blubbering mess.” He gave me a wink before talking to Jack. “You got a keeper here, Jack.”

Jack chuckled and the light flirting set me at ease. It felt normal and normal felt phenomenal right now. But it was short lived. My shoulders tightened up again as soon as the guys started talking about the case.

“So does this mean you are going to start working on the case again?” Grayson asked Jack.

Jack glanced at me to see my response to the subject. I schooled my features to be neutral and I guessed it worked because he continued the conversation. “Yeah, I’ll need to pass off some of the smaller cases to the other guys to finish up while I get back to devoting more attention to the case again. Especially the next few days to see if anyone saw anything. I need to get it while the trail is still warm.”

“Yeah, maybe track down the person who called in the sighting of the killer.”

They both leaned back in their chairs, looking exhausted. Grayson let out a deep breath through pursed lips and ran his hand over his face. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in a week. The stubble suited him and gave him a rugged look, but the dark circles under his eyes made him look tired. I couldn’t help but take notice of his large biceps and as he locked his fingers behind his neck.

Jack’s whispered words rushed through my head and I felt heat creep in my cheeks to think of it at a time like this. I dropped my eyes to my fries as the guys continued their conversation.

“The medical examiner thinks the killer might have wanted to be seen. After not being seen for so long, being spotted seems out of his MO. But who knows? Maybe he messed up this time.”

Grayson pondered Jack’s words. “I don’t think he messed up. This isn’t some random, short-lived killer. This guy is smart and knows what he is doing. I think he is taunting you. And the cops. I think he wants to be noticed and remembered in history. Just like the medical examiner said.”

Jack looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t fucking know, man, and this shit is wearing me thin.”

I hated seeing him so defeated. I had a better understanding of what he had been going through the past few months and I knew that added to his stress. Reaching over, I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“I know, man. I know it sucks. But the way things are going, it’ll be over soon.” Grayson’s eyes dropped to our hands before speaking again. “I’ll let you two have some alone time, I’m taking off. Get some sleep now because the next couple of days are going to be long.” Grayson stood up and threw his trash away before coming over to me. He leaned down and placed a lingering kiss on my cheek. “Take care of our guy, alright? And yourself. Get some sleep. Have your friend come stay with you for a few days.”

He slapped Jack on the shoulder before heading out the front door.

Grabbing Jack’s hand, I led him to the shower. We cleaned off the remnants of last night. At the end we wrapped our arms around each other and just held on, thankful for the contact. After drying off, we buried ourselves in blankets. We lounged in bed all day and only left it to grab pizza from the refrigerator. It was just past eight when we decided to call it a night but the last twenty-four hours had exhausted us.

“I’ll probably leave before you’re awake in the morning.”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to be busy the next couple of days.”

“I know. It’s okay, Jack.”

“Okay. I love you.” His eyes pleaded with me to understand how much he meant those words. I pressed a heavy kiss to his lips.

“I love you, too.” After that we both fell asleep.

W
hen I woke up
, I couldn’t believe I had slept the whole night through. Jack’s arms fought away the nightmares and kept me safe from my memories. Rolling to my stomach, I stretched my arms wide, stopping when I encountered the cold sheets. My eyes popped open to see the empty side of the bed where Jack should have been. My stomach sank, hating that he left without waking me up. Sitting up, I noticed the note on the opposite night stand.

I
couldn’t decipher
between the emotions pulling at me. I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to see him, angry that he didn’t wake me up, worried about the work he would be doing, and happy that he let me sleep. I did need it.

I grabbed my phone and flopped back on my bed, pulling up my messages. I talked to Evie earlier last week and she told me that she had a meeting in Columbus that week and left Friday to go shopping over the weekend. She asked me to go with her, but I had my date already planned with Jack. I checked the time and saw that it was late enough to give her a call and check in. On the second ring she picked up.

“What up, bitch?”

“It always warms my heart when you greet me so nicely.”

“What can I say, I know the way to your ice cold heart.” We both laughed for a minute before regrouping.

“So what are you up to? Have you bought enough, yet?”

“Never,” she mock gasped. “I am currently sitting at a cafe down the street eyeing this delicious sex on a stick piece of man meat. He’s been eye-fucking me since I sat down and I’m trying to remain coy. Frankly, I just want to go up to him and straddle his thick thighs. I wonder if his thighs are any indication of his di—”

“Evie! Stop,” I interrupted.

“What? I was just curious. I’ll let you know later.”

“Why, thank you.”

“No problem, babe. So how have you been? How is that delicious man of yours?”

After a deep breath I broke down and told her the whole gory story.

“Shit, Lu.” There was a pause. Sometimes Evie kept her words to a minimum and other times she was eloquently long winded. I just needed to give her time to think before I realized which it would be. “I’m leaving now. I’m cancelling my meetings and coming to stay with you. I don’t want you alone.”

“No. No, Evie. I can’t let you cancel your meetings. This is a big project for you. And I’m fine. I won’t be alone. I’ll go stay with Jameson if I need to.”

“There is no
if
about it. You
will
stay with your brother. And don’t think I won’t call him.”

“Alright, alright,
mom
.” Usually, I was the one that worried, but when Evie acted motherly and protective, she went all out and I liked to give her shit about it.

“Ha. Ha. But seriously, call me. Day or night. You know I’m here for you and that shit is scary. I don’t want you alone. I love you, chica.”

“I love you, too, mama.”

After that, our conversation wrapped up and I called Jameson because I knew Evie would in ten minutes to make sure I called. We decided on him staying with me since my place was bigger than his.

Not hearing from Jack that day, I sent him a message before bed and woke up to nothing.

When I never heard from him again on Monday, I tried not to worry. He told me he would be busy and I tried to be understanding. But he also said he would get a hold of me if he could.

Tuesday turned out to be the same. By Tuesday night my worry had taken full affect. To make matters worse, Jameson wasn’t able to stay with me that night. My nightmares seemed harsh and realistic. When we pulled up to the body, Jack got out and was captured by the killer in a black mask and murdered in front of me.

I woke in a puddle of my own sweat and tears streaming down my face. My breaths struggled to move past my constricted airway closed in fear.

Wednesday morning, when I still hadn’t heard from him, I called his office. A nice man named Andrew informed me that Jack had been in recently, but wasn’t in at the moment. I decided not to leave a message because at that moment my fear turned into a burning anger.

Jamming my finger on the end button, I tossed my phone onto the table. Breaths came hard and heavy through my clenched jaw. Crossing my arms over my chest, my face heated with my building rage. He couldn’t have taken two damn minutes to freaking send me a response. He
knew
how much I worried. He
fucking
knew. Just a quick
I love you
was all I would have needed. Hell, an
I’m alive
would have been much appreciated. Grabbing my coat roughly from the closet, I shoved my arms in the sleeves and slammed the door on the way out. I went to work and seethed all damn day imagining a thousand speeches I would give him when I saw him again. I imagined all his excuses and how I would call bullshit on all of them.

Jameson stayed with me that night but gave me plenty of room when I slammed my bottle of wine around and huffed and puffed around the kitchen. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep in anger.

Thursday, I still woke to no response and wasn’t a big enough person to not say something. I sent a quick message to express my feelings:
Fuck YOU!!!

It made me feel better in a hollow way, but I would take anything at that point. Jameson didn’t work that day so he took me to and from work. By the end of the night we sat on the couch watching the Food Network when the doorbell rang. I opened it see a tired looking Jack standing on my doorstep.

I just stood there staring at him in shock as I held the door, not letting him in. A flood of emotion poured over me. My skin tingled from the rush of adrenaline at seeing him. It quickly changed to a hot flush consuming my body making all my muscles tense from the rage boiling inside. My brain raced, trying to process it all. Relief, anger, happiness. So much anger.

“You
asshole
!” I screeched it as a burning behind my eyes turned to tears and my body moved into action. I let go of the door and swung my arms at him. “You goddamn
asshole
!”

My body shook as my fists began pummeling his chest, my open palm slapped his face. Once. Twice. I shoved him as hard as I could. “You
fucking
asshole!” My voice shook from the sobs slipping from my chest. Jack let me take it out on him. I wasn’t sure he understood my feelings, but he did understand that I needed to let the emotions out. “How
could
you? How
could
you not give me one
fucking
response to let me know you were okay?”

My body trembled and began to tire as the emotion ebbed but I didn’t give up. My arms still had enough energy flowing through them to deliver more punches and shoves. But not enough to stop him from working his way inside and closing the door. “Do I mean so little? You
knew
I would worry.
Why
?
Why
couldn’t you have sent me one message?” I wasn’t sure he understood any of what I was saying because it all came out in broken sobs. By the time my anger diminished I was mostly left light-headed on trembling legs of relief.

Jack wrapped his arms around me as I cried out the last of it all and rubbed his hands up and down my back. “Shh, baby. I’m so sorry. I’m an idiot.” He kept whispering words to calm me down and tell me how sorry he was. How much of an asshole he was. How much he loved me. I heard Jameson leave and murmur to Jack that he ‘better fucking fix this,’ before he walked out, leaving us alone.

Jack directed me toward the couch and pulled me on to his lap. I went without a fight because it felt too damn good to be in his arms again. It felt so much better than the fear and rage I had wrapped around myself the past week. I took a deep breath and got myself fully under control. I looked up at Jack and he wiped away the tears from my wet cheeks.

I finally looked at him and registered how tired and worn he really looked. His eyes were a little bloodshot with dark circles that stood out against his pale cheeks. I worried about everything he had been through the past few days and wanted to kiss his worries away, but I couldn’t let go of my anger so quickly. All I could get out was the one question I needed answered. “Why?”

“I don’t know, Lu. Because I’m a dumb ass.” He shook his head in regret and exhaustion. “I hate that I don’t have a better answer. I got so damn busy and my hours were fucked up and I didn’t know what to say. There was another murder and I’m just at the end of my damn rope. I don’t know what to do. And I’m sorry. None of this excuses not sending out a quick message. I’m an ass and I can only promise that it won’t happen again.” It all rambled out and I couldn’t help but let a little of my anger fade away when I saw how mentally beat down he seemed.

Placing my hands on his cheeks to lift his face to mine, I laid my lips gently on his before pulling away and making sure he saw the sincerity in my eyes. “Make sure that it doesn’t. I won’t tolerate it again.”

And that was it. I didn’t want to keep arguing. He nodded his head in understanding. Me being mad for longer wouldn’t have solved anything and I just wanted to feel him again. As quickly as all the emotions came on, they left, leaving me exhausted with relief. I got off his lap and led him upstairs to shower before we both fell into bed. He squeezed me tight as he whispered how sorry he was and that it wouldn’t happen again. He told me he loved me and needed me. And with those words, we held each other tight as we let the physical and mental exhaustion take us over.